Tuesday, November 27, 2012

‎*Tap Tap Tap* Is this thing on?



Hi BOOBHs!  Boy, it has been ages.  You all look fabulous, but you knew that.



I haven't been blogging on outofbevshead recently, but I just renewed the domain name for another year, so anything is possible.  Don't lose hope!  In the meantime, if you're missing my unique brand of Bevisms, come visit me on my new humor site: About Web Humor.  I blog there a couple times a week, plus I write articles about all of the cool, funny web humor stuff that we all love so much.  

Feel free to "like" the About Web Humor Facebook page too, so you'll never miss a thing.  Hope to see you all there!

XOXO,
Bev

Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween 2011: All Dressed Up and Too Much Snow

Oh, New England, you old trickster, you!  Just when we thought we were safe from the onslaught of winter weather for another month, along comes a big bad Nor'easter to remind us of how dependent we are on such luxuries as heat and electricity.

That's right, folks.  It started snowing on Saturday afternoon and didn't stop until the wee hours of Sunday morning, which was long enough to dump an astounding TWO FEET of heavy, wet snow on those of us who are crazy enough to live in New Hampshire.  Normally I wouldn't mind an early snow, especially when it hits us on a weekend.  I'm always looking for a good excuse to stay home and do nothing, after all!  But this year we had plaaaaaaans, man, and this storm really cramped our style.

Saturday night was our annual Halloween bash and Mala and I had perfected our costumes and were prepared to see a lot of blank expressions from people who are A) born after 1985 and B) not a fan of the BBC.  Here's what we were going to be:

Haha, gotcha!  
No, Coco beat us to this... whatever it is.  Good thing we saw her costume first so that we didn't wear this costume too -- boy, would THAT have been embarrassing.  ;)

Nah, we were really going to dress up as Patsy and Edina from the hilarious British sitcom Absolutely Fabulous:
Boozy, chain-smoking, fashion-obsessed middle-aged party girls?  Yeah, I think we can pull that off:



We used fake cigarettes, never fear.  Not that it mattered because we had no sooner wriggled into our wigs and stuffed stryrofoam into Mala's beehive when the babysitter called to cancel because she couldn't get her car up the hill to Mala's house.  With no sitter and the snow piling up to our knees outside, we did the only responsible thing; we put the kids to bed, raided the liquor cabinet, and took pictures of ourselves in costumes.


Shut up, we had fun.


Getting into character was a snap!
Joe and Jim were ready to party on! 
Oh well, it was still a fun night.  The next morning we came home to 2 feet of snow and no power in the house, but thankfully our generator (AKA: best purchase ever!) got us back up and running in a jiffy.  We didn't get cable back till this morning, and since I usually try to sneak into my bedroom for some quality time with my pjs and remote control on Sunday afternoons, I really missed my weekly dose of E!.

Thankfully Samsmama informed me that it was 4 hours of the Kardass-ians so I didn't feel like I was missing anything after all.  You all know I hate dem bimbos.

Speaking of the KKKs, did you all hear that Kim's very fake marriage is ending in a very real divorce after only 72 days?  Righteous.  Maybe Kim got tired of craning her neck just to kiss her gigantic husband.  Or maybe Kris just wasn't into water sports.  Who knows?  What I really want to know is if this means that they will return all those ridiculously expensive wedding gifts that they registered for?  Yeah, I don't think so either.

Bimbos.


ANYWAY.

More like this, please!
What else is new?  I've been busily collecting photos for the new book that I'm working on, and things are going very well there. I'm getting some VERY funny photobombs from all over the world.  If any of my BOOBHs want to be included, please let me know!  You can read all about the project here.  Last week I had the privilege of being interviewed by The Huffington Post about the book, so I'm hoping that once that article comes out I'll get even more great pictures!



One last thing before I go -- am I the only one whose blog has become a lightning rod for SPAM?  Good lord, it's constant.  I'm getting 3 or more spammy comments per day, most of which are in Russian.  It's making me miss the Mumbai Escorts!  (Not really)  But then, mixed in with all the spam, I've been getting some truly lovely (but anonymous) comments like these:

Thankfully some bloggers can still write.


Thanks for this article!!


I couldn't agree with you more!


All 'round great blog.

Isn't that nice? I'll take more of those and less of these, please:

This is a simple case of the nut and the bolt. Where the bolt is male.
Here's one. Why is a ship female. It is acting on the water. So male, right.
And might verpa be more like 'willie' connecting to the morel that the harsher erect dick or cock.

AHEM. We clear, spammers? Great.

Have a very HAPPY HALLOWEEN, everyone!
xoxo

Friday, October 21, 2011

Rants and Raves, Bev-Style

Man, am I ever grumpy today.  I would say that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but since I barely slept that's not entirely accurate.  I had one of those inexplicably shitty night's sleeps that happen once in a while; I had weird dreams featuring random, annoying people, and I kept getting woken up all night long by stuff like the cat clawing at the carpet and my husband tripping over a laundry basket on his way back from the bathroom.  


Highly annoying.  So now, even though I have a ton of work I should be doing, I'm staring at the wall and wondering if I can get away with taking a nap under my desk, Costanza-style.  In an effort to stay awake, I've decided to squeeze in a little OOBH time--I've got a few things to get off my chest, and this cantankerous mood I'm in will surely add fuel to that fire!  Here goes.


Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay

This is your FIFTH mugshot in four years, and you're only twenty-five.  I can't help but notice that this mugshot looks a little different from the others, and not just because of your ridiculous Barbie hair (which is the brassiest shade of blonde ever bottled, IMO) or the fact that you (thankfully) have stopped fake tanning yourself into Snooki territory. It's not even because you let your teeth rot thanks to whatever it is that you're smoking these days.  No, this mugshot is different because of your eyes, which finally look as they should look: scared, and a little bit desperate.  I do believe you have finally lost some of your swagger, and that is both a good and a bad thing.

Did she do her make-up in the dark?
It's a good thing because you have been entirely too blase about what is happening with your life.  You're delusional and think people will still hire you and work with you even though you're a perpetual screw-up and you spend more time and effort making excuses for your bad behavior than it would take to just DO THE RIGHT THING.  You know what the right thing is: get clean.  Do whatever the court tells you to do to stay out of jail, permanently.  Get a job, show up on time, and be respectful to everyone on set, from the caterer to the executive producer, and I can't believe I even have to tell you this, but stop stealing shit and generally acting like a spoiled, entitled little twat!

Losing some swagger is bad, however, because now I'm a little bit afraid for you.  I honestly think you're heading for entry into the Forever 27 Club, and that's not a glamorous or elite club, that's just sad.

At least we will always have Mean Girls.

Slutty Nurses and Kitties and Witches, oh my!

I have seen no fewer than three posts in the last week about how pathetic it is for women to use Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty.  Most of these posts come from middle-aged moms just like myself who think it's somehow anti-feminist or just plain stupid to pull on some fishnets and a push-up bra and do it up a bit on Halloween.  I'd like to offer them all a brimming goblet of Shut The Hell Up.

Sure, not all costumes have to be sexy and not all costumes SHOULD be sexy.  If you want to be a big greasy slice of pizza or an Angry Bird, go for it!  I'm certainly not going to judge you, in fact I'll probably laugh and tell you I like your costume, because I would like it.  But Halloween is a fun holiday, a holiday in which adults get to act like children and play dress-up, and that doesn't necessarily mean that we have to dress up in children's costumes -- we're adults!  We have sex!  We like boobs!  It's a fact.

I grew up doing theater so I'm all for pretending to be another character, and since most of us dress like frumpy middle-class suburbanites every single day of every single year, if someone wants to do something a little crazy, a little outside of their usual comfort zone, what's the harm?  It's the one night out of every year that you can get away with dressing like a French Maid if you feel like it, and I personally hope that you DO.

Oui, oui, work it, sistah!  Don't let the haters get you down.

Xtina's "Delusions"

So I'm not sure if you guys have noticed, but Christina Aguilera has put on some weight.  She's now got bitchy Kelly Osborne, who let's not forget would be an absolute nobody if she didn't have a famous father, publicly calling her fat every chance she gets on national television.  She's got bloggers saying she's a fall-down drunk, making fun of her ass, and saying that she has some sort of psychological disorder that makes her not realize how awful she looks in outfits like the one pictured above.

I feel for her.  I've put on some weight myself, and I'm also kind of the delusional type in many ways.  It's not that I don't acknowledge the extra poundage, it's that I always still think I look okay.  Self-esteem?  I haz it!

Right up until I see a picture of myself, then I'm like, "HOLY FUCK, WHO STOLE MY CHEEKBONES?!"  Does this mean that I am psychologically deluding myself into thinking I am thin?  Hell, no. I know I'm not thin, but I don't really care all that much.  I still dress nicely and put on some make-up and get my hair done, and I still feel like myself.  I'm also blessed with friends and loved ones who still love me no matter what I look like.  In fact, my horndog husband is always shocking the hell out of me by thinking I look great when I feel like I need to be rolled down to the Juicing Room to be squeezed.

I've got it good, which makes me feel even worse for ol' Xtina.  I can't imagine being in the public eye and having to hear such hateful things said about you.  I sincerely hope Christina can ignore them all... and get a much better stylist who knows how to dress someone who is only 5'2" and no longer svelt.

Finally, the last thing I want to say is this:

Can someone please make this stop??!

Okay, folks.  That's all I've got. I don't know about you, but I sure feel better after getting all of this off my chest!  Have a groovy weekend.

xoxo

Monday, October 17, 2011

Cell Pic Round-Up!

Hola, darling BOOBHs!  How's it going?  I'm sorry I've been a bit MIA 'round these parts. I've been a busy beaver, as usual--not that I'm complaining. Time is money, and I'm usually short on both.  :)

Just keep swimming!

Work is going well!  I've got some really exciting projects in the works, and recently I had one of those awesome moments when you know that you're in the exact right place at the exact right time.  Those feelings are so rare, aren't they?  But they're so encouraging; it's like the Universe looks you right in the eye for a split second and says, "It will all be worth it.  Keep your eye on the prize."  Or something like that, I don't know, but it sure felt good.
Speaking of feeling good, today I totally don't--I've got a cold.  BOO.  I just want to curl up in my jammies at home, but instead I'm propped up in my office chair wearing big-people clothes, including pants with a button and zipper.  Ugh--you know how I feel about pants.

I hate them.
Anywho, I haven't done a recap in ages, and today's as good as any, so here goes!  Here's what I've been up to, according to me and my cell phone photo album:


I saw this in Walmart not long ago and had to physically restrain my husband from buying it for pure comedic value alone.  It's a head to toe fleece outfit with a hood and a... wait for it... a trap door.  A trap door, people!  You don't even have to take this thing off to do your dirty, stinking business!  Wow.  I mean, there's lazy, then there's FOREVER LAZY.  I think we all know where I fall on that spectrum.  *ahem*

Of course, I'm not one to judge because just yesterday I fell victim to a little "As Seen On TV" product myself.  Yes, folks, I bought myself a 3-pack of something called an AHH-Bra, and I can't freaking wait till they arrive (in 2-3 weeks, which?  WTF?  Do they ship by Pony Express?).  While I'm doubtful that anything designed for comfort will ever contain *aaaaaaalll this*, they sold me with their relaxed-looking models wearing WIRE-FREE Ahh-Bras.  They just looked so darn comfortable and satisfied with their purchases that I had to try it.  $70 later, I'm sure I'll wind up with some more pieces of useless fabric in the drawer next to my unused Spanx and Lipo In A Box, but this is one of those "I MUST KNOW" moments.  I'll keep you posted.

Let's see... in other news, we took a little trip to Mohegan Sun recently, which was fun.

We started with martinis in a very cool, very posh martini bar.  My husband was in rare form -- in fact, he almost fell backwards 3 stories while taking this picture of me and my friends Jill and Mala.  That's dedication (and alcohol)!

We ate the most magnificent meal at Todd English's Tuscany.  Most of us went with the Chef's Pairing, which was a four course meal with wine pairings.  Everything was delicious!  We got a little silly towards the end, naturally. Check this out-- just to prove how little warning she needs to summon her inner sex kitten, I literally said to Mala, "Give me sexy" as she was eating her dessert, and this is what she gave me:

Yet, when she said it to me, this is what SHE got:

Why is the cork on the fork?
The next day we decided to do something edumacational, so we went to Mystic Seaport, CT.  It was a beautiful day and we all had fun climbing aboard different kinds of ships and talking like pirates.  Ric even got himself a funky new hat:
And Jim had his own private Titanic moment:
His fart will go on
It was a fun weekend!  Okay, I have to get a move on.  Believe it or not, I started this post about 6 hours ago and then kept getting sidetracked, so if it reads like it was written in installments, I have no idea what you're talking about.  heh.

Oh, one last celly pic.  This one's for defunct blogger Samsmama!
Look what I found!  They do sell it here in the Northeast!  I can't wait to try it.  :)

Later, taters!
Bev

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Unsexy Sex Tapes (NSFW)

This post is going to be full of NSFW* goodness, so anyone with prudish tendencies, sorry.  Better luck next post!  For the rest of you, let's do this thing.

Yesterday, when I should have been writing but wasn't because I just didn't feel like it, I was catching up on my celebrity gossip when I came across an item on Dlisted about Tupac Shakur's rumored sex tape.  Now, I like Tupac, and yes, he was very, very good looking... but from the description of the tape, this sounds like possibly the unsexiest sex tape ever made.  By all accounts, the tape shows Tupac walking around a Vegas hotel room with his pants around his ankles (which sounds tricky, but whatever).  He's got a drink in one hand and a joint in the other.  There are other people in the room, both men and women, but that doesn't stop him from selecting a groupie from the pile and having her give him some California Love right then and there, in front of everyone, while he sings along to one of his own songs and enjoys his libations.  In fact, another dude comes over during the festivities and Tupac loops an arm over his shoulder and they sing together, all while the groupie does her thing.

I don't know about you guys, but that scenario sounds about as sexy as a root canal.  Sure, that's how I have always assumed that gangsta rappers rolled, but dude.  I really, really don't need to see that.

This newest recording got me thinking about celebrity sex tapes in general; I have seen a fair number of them, though some I've avoided because quite frankly, I am not a big fan of choking back vomit when I'm trying to watch people get their freak on.  Below are a few tapes, most of which I've witnessed with my own eyes, that are not only unsexy, but quite frankly, pretty revolting.

PS) I know I've mentioned one or two of these tapes on the OOBH before, but I'm too lazy to look them up and link to them.  Huzzah!

Kendra Wilkinson

The Good: She's young and pretty, and this was made before she got her giant fake jugs.

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  The guy in the video is FUG to the LY.  Seriously, ew.  It's also all kinds of awkward, and Kendra doesn't forget the camera is there for one second.

Kim Kardashian


The Good: They're both attractive people.

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  Sure, Kim looks like a rather boring lay, but at least she's up for water sports, eh fellas?

Wait, what?  Oh, sorry -- you didn't know that Ray J PEES ON Kim during this sex tape?  Yeah, that's the rumor, though you won't see that on the edited version that's available now.  Those Kardashians are klass acts, korrect?


Paris Hilton

The Good: Well, hmmm.  She was famous once?

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  Speaking of boring lays, this bitch is so not into it that she even answers her cell phone during the deed.  That's hot. (not)

Colin Farrell

The Good: Colin Farrell is hot.  Also, seems quite adept at... um, well.  Look at the pic, will you?

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  The happy couple are in a dingy-looking apartment, and they keep getting up and wandering around during the sex.  Neither one of them looks particularly into it... or maybe they both have some serious ADD and can't stay focused on the task at hand?  IDK, but it's just weird, and kind of boring.

Dustin Diamond
Note: I won't watch this one, but I've seen stills and read enough about it to know that I will NEVER subject myself to this trash.  In fact, I won't even put up a still from the video because it's just too nauseating.  Instead, we'll look at Screech's OH face and use our imaginations (sparingly, though).


The Good: Absolutely nothing.  Not even his surprisingly-large junk can salvage this abomination.

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  It's Screech, talking non-stop and getting it on with two women.  And if you think Kim's golden shower was bad, how do you feel about a little fellow named Sanchez?  Yeah, that's what I thought. This is the stuff nightmares are made of, people!

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer
Note:  Again, haven't seen this, because there's no way in H-E-double-hockey sticks that I am going to pay cash-money to see Chyna's lady-peen.


The Good:  Fuck no.  There's nothing good about this!

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  It's Chyna, who made a career out of being as manly-buff as possible and kicking people's asses.  She's still all 'roided up even now, years after quitting the WWF, and holy shit, have you seen her face?  Totally jacked!

But that's not even the worst part... the worst part is that Chyna's lady bits look a lot more like dude bits than they should, by at least 3 inches.  YES, really!  I've seen a still of that shit (again, thanks Dlisted!) and it's every bit as bizarre as you'd imagine.  Google it yourself, if you must, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, and while I was searching for a picture of Joanie I came across this great recap of her sex tape.  Looks like it was even written by a fellow Granite Stater, and while I don't know him I'm grateful to him for watching this mess so that I don't have to.

There are way more, obviously, but I will stop now.  I think we've covered a lot of ground, don't you think?

Got any to add?

xoxo
Bev

*Funny story: I can no longer use the NSFW abbreviation without giggling.  Not long ago we got an angry email from one of our readers at Oddee.  The reader was in a rage that we would label some posts "Not Safe For Women;" who did we think we were?  Sexist assholes!  After we stopped laughing, our chief editor explained to her that it means "Not Suitable/Safe for WORK," and oh by the way, all of the current writers on Oddee's staff are women, so no, we're not sexist.

Just sex-aaaay.  ;)

Thursday, September 29, 2011

10 Good Reasons To Be A Swedophile

Yes, folks, it's official, I love Sweden.  For the first 30-something years of my life, I can't say that I ever spent much time thinking about Sweden, or Swedes in general.  But these past couple of years I've noticed that a lot of the stuff I like happens to hail from that beautiful Nordic kingdom in northern Europe.  How did this happen?  How did I become a Swedophile?  Well, the short answer is this:

#1. Alexander Skarsgard
Oh, Alexander Skarsgard... you may not look much like the Eric Northman that I envisioned while reading the Southern Vampire Mysteries, but you have become the main reason that I eagerly look forward to True Blood every Sunday evening!  So tall.  So blond.  So... scary.  Sexy-scary.  Mama like.

There were other Swedish things though, subtle things, that crept into my subconscious and implanted themselves there before I could help myself.  Maybe it's the fact that they're just so foreign; my ancestors hailed from various parts of Europe, but there's nary a Viking in my bloodline.  I'm not sure what it is, but I don't really care.  So here's my list of Swedish stuff that I totally dig.

#2. The Meatballs

Because they're just farking delicious, that's why.
 #3. IKEA
Cheap stuff that looks decent?  I'm in. 
#4. Abba
Yeah, I said it.

 #5. Stieg Larsson
Dude could write.

#6. Swedish Massage
Hurts so good.

#7. Robyn
The most underrated pop/electronica album (and artist) in a decade.
 #8. Rose Nylund
Thank you for being a friend!
 #9. The Swedish Bikini Team
Why the fuck not?
 #10. The Swedish Chef
Bor-de-bor-de-borg, BORK BORK BORK!
Oh, and bonus list item... let's not forget the love of our Chatroulette paramour, SVEN!


Oh, Sven... how we miss you!
So there you have it.  Sweden?  I heart you.  Don't ever change.

xo
Bev

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Hey Facebook, you look like crap today.

Boy, so Facebook really screwed the pooch this time, eh?  Today my news feed was abuzz with friends who were complaining about ANOTHER new layout change implemented by Facebook and demanded by absolutely no one.  I don't usually complain about layout changes; I don't like to brag (ok, maybe a little), but I'm pretty tech-savvy and don't normally have a problem figuring out computer stuff like this.  But this, well...  this is a huge steaming pile of road apples, IMHO.

We fear change.
The new layout is distracting, irritating, cluttered, and invasive, and the worst part is that we have no choice but to use it.  If I could, I'd turn off the scrolling, repetitive status updates on the right-hand side of the page, but can I do that?  NOPE.  Instead, as I'm reading my news feed (middle column), I'm seeing the same damn status reports on the right side, plus I'm seeing every conversation every one of my friends is having, most of which are none of my goddamn business, nor do I care that So-and-So just said, "Lulz!" on SomeGuyIDon'tKnow's status.  I also can't seem to hide that helpful little box that's suggesting I subscribe to Fucktard McNobody's status updates, either, and the actually helpful stuff like people's birthdays...?  Hidden somewhere amidst the verbal debris, never to be seen or heard from again.  In other words, don't expect any birthday greetings from me for a while, friends.  Sorry.



Blogger recently changed their layout, and quite frankly, The Bev does not approve of that either (see Garth, above), but since they're not run by Mark Zuckerberg (yet), I was given the choice of whether to use it or not. Imagine that!  What a fucking concept--giving the people a choice?

"This does not compute." ~ The ZuckBot 3000

I wonder what Godfather Baby has to say about this?


I've been trying to visit the F-book less lately anyway, which is proving pretty much impossible because I have an iPhone, and Facebook and iPhone go together like popcorn and dental floss. It's just too easy, too accessible, too always-on.  I'm doing better during the day though; I'm not keeping my email and F-Book windows open all day long like I used to, but I still take frequent breaks to check out the 5-6 friends' status updates that Facebook has deemed important enough to show me.  It's a hard habit to break!


Well, as always, I'll try to look on the bright side -- maybe this new layout will be just what I need to visit that addictive little microcosm of gossipy goodness even less.  It still looks pretty normal on my phone, so maybe I'll just use that more instead of the full site.  In which case, expect more typos from me, friends, because that whole Damn You, Autocorrect thing?  It's totally real, and I've fat-fingered some really awkward responses to people as a result.  True story.

Okay, I've ranted enough about something I can't control.  I'm going to go do some writing on this little story I've been working on for months now, off and on.  The other night I had a little epiphany about where my story is going and how it should have started, so I want to get it out while it's still fresh and before I lose my momentum and start goofing around on FB again.  Have a groovy day, BOOBHs!