Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Ass Bruise

So, my husband is one of those "suffer in silence" types. He often hurts himself whilst out doing his manly things in the woods, and I don't know that he has hurt himself until I find bloody Band-Aids in the garbage, notice he's missing a fingernail (ew!), or see him hobbling around more than usual. Maybe that's a good thing, because hey, no one likes a whiny bitch, now does one?

Nice, Bev. Nice.

That being said, two weeks ago the dude went skiing and fell down. Hard. Again, it's not unusual (Tom Jones - shout out!) for him to hobble a bit after a particularly grueling day on the slopes. He often takes a couple of days to walk normally and can be found on the couch, nursing a beer, elevating and icing his knee. Have I mentioned he's had two ACL repairs? No? Well, yeah, there's that.

So I didn't blink when he was looking even worse than usual last week, walking a little sideways and a lot stiffly. In fact, I am so unobservant that he managed to hide his GIGANTIC SWOLLEN AND PURPLE ASS BRUISE from me for almost 5 full days. When he finally showed it to me, I could not believe it. He has shelf-ass.

His hip is swollen out at least 8", it's rock hard, and is the most vile purplish-blackish-yellowish-greenish color you've ever seen.

< This is where I'd put the picture of it if my stupid camera hadn't stupid broken, and if he hadn't threatened me with the posting of some of our more unsightly photos of me from our collection if I dared take a photo of his swollen ass bruise. >

Now, 9 days later, the blood seems to be draining from said wound down his leg and pooling into his freakishly-deformed caveman foot. It's completely revolting, and I cannot believe he didn't go see a doctor. I mean, dude, your leg is the size of a Redwood and is turning nauseating colors. What would it take to make you go see an MD?

In related news, here's a tip for ya: don't Google Image "ass bruise." Seriously, don't.


Harmony said...

LMAO this is beyond hilarious!!!

Oh man, I suddenly have this horrible urge to google "ass bruise"...telling me not to, was not a very productive thing to do. LOL I did it Normal showing off the ass-bruise she got from flying off the truck. What an odd name "Normal"

Ant (my husband) is ALL MAN, when his friends are around...as soon as they leave, he is all whiny and calling me from his cell phone while I was at the back end of the house folding the laundry, because he needed more ice for his sprained ankle...ummm, for instance?

I am more of the hiding of pain type than my husband is. LOL

Hope your hubby's ass gets better real soon...nothing hurts more than a pain in the ass!

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

i'm sorry, you lost me at 8" and rock-hard...

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

okay, now that i've gotten over the 8" and rock-hard thing. heh.

lol @ googling "ass bruise". dude, you will have SO MANY hits based on that search term alone. believe me, i know! (based on how many people get to me by typing "lactating fuck". don't ask.)

i have had giant fucking hematomas like that before. there is the risk of clotting, so he should definitely see a doctor!

also, my husband is NOT the suffer in silence type. he hobbles around constantly and i always have to hear about how his neck and back hurt. i like to ask him if his pussy hurts. hehehehehe.

Samsmama said...

The most disgusting thing I've read in quite some time. I'm almost thankful that your stupid camera isn't stupid working.

And now, I'm off to google ass bruise. Because I must. It's just like telling a person not to google "two girls one cup". You know they will if they haven't already.

Samsmama said...

No, surely her name isn't really "Normal". Second thing that popped up? Your blog, baby.

Mala said...

I was a bit freaked out last weekend when it looked like he was gonna drop his drawers to show us!

Hey, I like your new look. Something in the air? I spent like 5 hours tweaking mine until an unrecognizable piece of shit!

Bev said...

Harmony - Thanks! I was giggling at the image of your guy calling you from inside the house to ask for stuff!

MOFM - LMAO! Totally didn't catch that when I wrote it. Whoopsie! Also, love your "pussy" question - definitely gonna save that one up to use it later!

Samsmama - Sorry! Maybe I should put a disclaimer up?

All - SOOOO glad my blog is now coming up in the googleverse under "ass bruise." Mission accomplished. (slapping forehead)

Bev said...

Mala - I know! Once he finally confessed, he was more than willing to show it off, huh? Braggart.

And yes, I finally managed to figure out the html crapola. I saw that Samsmama had used some website for her layout, and that site worked way better than the one I had tried to use a couple of weeks ago and had a giant FAIL moment. As in, everything went "poof" and I freaked out and reverted back to my original format.

garrito said...

Wow, you are now #8 on Google for "ass bruise"! Good job.

I will not, however, type in "lactating fuck", MoFM, on the off-chance someone uses my laptop and starts typing in a search starting "L" and "lactating fuck" immediately pops up. Nuh-uh. "Ass bruise" I can live with.

"Two girls one cap", Samsmama? Really, didja have to remind me? *violent shudder*

Brooklyn ML said...

Oh, the hilarity!
Who's Normal???? Haaahaaaahahahahahahaha!!!

Bev said...

Garrito - I'm up to #6 now! Go me! What's truly hilarious is if you click the tabs on Google to see the various available stuff, you can find Maps, videos, etc. pertaining to ass bruises. Helpful, that Google.

Btw, I've always managed to avoid actually SEEING the 2 girls/1 cup thing because I was lucky enough to have it described to me when it was omnipresent a few months ago. That was more than enough to deter me from searching for it. EW!

Mae - You just never know what you'll find when you hit my blog, eh? You're welcome. :-*

Cary said...

I suspect buggery.

Bev said...


I had a conversation along those lines last night with some girlfriends of mine. My poor husband was indeed the BUTT of many strap-on related jokes. Har-dy har har. He's SO gonna kill me if he reads this!

Elliott said...

I took a header at my sister's wedding last year, and spent the rest of the day (photos, reception, etc) with Lori asking if we needed to go to the ER. I finally got x-rays a month later when it still hurt.

However, when I had crippling chest pains for 24 hours, I did finally break down and drive myself to the emergency room.