Thursday, June 11, 2009

5 ways in which I FAIL

No, that's not me, but sometimes it feels that way.

Here's a list of things I suck at:

1. Exercising regularly. I go in spurts; I'll get all gung-ho about going to the gym for a month or two, and then one day I'll just not feel like going so I won't. Then I don't go back for 2 months, for no good reason. I don't cancel my membership, because somehow paying for it each month is like my penance for being a lazy fuck. It's like my own personal self-imposed sin tax.

2. Keeping my car clean. Before I had kids, the inside of my car was always immaculate. I'd bust out the Armoral wipes and always removed trash promptly. However, since having two messy children in the car, things have gone to pot. Once in a while there will be a (an?) horrific odor and I will have to go hunting for the errant sippy cup filled with chunky milk that got wedged under a seat. The backseat area is ankle-deep with books, crayons, coloring books, and Happy Meal toys. Since they've basically trashed the place, I seem to have given up as well, because my coffee holders are grimy, my dashboard is dusty, and there is a Danny-sized hand print on the inside passenger-side windshield that has been there for literally 5 months now. It's disgraceful. I am ashamed of myself.

3. I start writing novels and then lose interest and/or decide they suck, and never finish them. I got to 170 pages on my last attempt. 170 farking pages, people! Oh, and I never let anyone read them, so don't even ask.

4. Phone etiquette. I'm terrible about returning phone calls, and I almost always screen my calls. Especially lately; if you've reached me by phone in the last month, feel special, because you are. Most folks are going straight to voicemail, baby!

5. Keeping in touch. Unless people are on Facebook or email me, I tend to fall out of touch. This is largely because of my phone aversion, but also because I hate writing letters and sending cards. I can usually motivate to send a b-day card to family members, but honestly, not always. I totally suck at keeping up with stuff like that. Thank-you notes? Yeah, don't expect those right away, either.

And there you have it. Certainly, there are many more, but that's it for now, so I'll leave you with this:

Why? Just because, that's why.

Buh-bye now!


Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

FIRST! (unless one of you A-HOLES beat me to it while typing my long as fuck comment. ahem.)

1, i exercise regularly but that's because i'm a bit OCD when it comes to maintaining a certain weight. but this has only been lately. i've been known to say "fuck it!" for years on end. and i don't pay for a gym. i have a treadmill FACING THE WALL in my basement.

2, OMG MY CAR! before kids, my car was emaculate! i washed it on weekends, windexed the windows, cleaned the wheels, vacuumed the inside... now? stray cheerios, happy meal toys and shit keira stole from nate's classroom litter the back. oh, and stinky soccer gear. such a nice aroma.

3, i want to read it.

4, i never pick up the phone to call anyone. but i will return a phone call. maybe. within the year.

5, i'm NEVER on facebook anymore. and i get endless shit for that from my so-called friends. i have managed to keep in touch with the important people without utilizing facebook though.

lastly? I LOVE YOU!

Harmony said...

Holy shit..I couldn't figure out what the last picture was forever. I mean I stared at it with extremem curious intent to decode what type of freaking animal that was. Imagine my surprise to find it was just a dog fucking another in the face. BJ attempt?

I go through random spurts of working out also, I am currently at the dip feature signifying that I am doing nothing at all. I see MoFM is OCD about it, and well her results can't deny that.

I was never super clean about my car before having kids...however it looked nothing like what my car looks like now. Kids having a whole row of seats to themselves is the exact recipe for disaster. They could give a fuck, and after a while you lose interest too. Until that dreaded fucking carpool and then it's haul out the trash bags we're going in.

Can I read it? Come knew I would ask. So can I?

I talk on the phone a lot..but only with certain people. So I guess I am the same way.

Facebook...argh! I really believe my internet service is incapable of holding a connection long enough for me to get anything done on it. Seriously..applications take So I hide from that shit.

I can't remember what else you put, it appears that I am using MoFM's comment as a template to my response to you.

Mala said...

Yeah, about that right to voicemail crap.... knock that shit off! I'm trying to call you right now about a sweet pair of tickets to Wicked!!! Answer your GD phone!!!

Oh, yeah, the gym. Fuck. Note to self: cancel that shit.

Now, back to redial.

Samsmama said...

Harmony kills me! Poor thing, not being able to figure out the picture. I think it's sort of a reverse 69 attempt.

I'd tell you to call me so I could tell you my fails, but I wouldn't answer. And I'd never call you back.

Now I need to take my non-gym going ass out to the garage and figure out what the rank stench in my car is.

Cheasty said...

ok, next you owe us FIVE WAYS IN WHCH YOU ROCK!!!

MtnMama said...

Oh, I laughed at this list!
- I used to be "the jock" and as I got older was so smug about not getting all sloppy. And then I went back to school while holding down a desk job and Poof! Sloppy. And no gym or place that's safe to walk in sight. ARGH!
- my car sitch is the SAME and I only have ONE KID! I suck.
- yeah, I want to read it too. As soon as I graduate and I don't have to read textbooks any more.
- I only have a cell (no landline) and the reception here in Bumfuck NoWhere is piss-poor, so should anyone actually call me, I couldn't hear them anyway.
- FB is too much of a time-suck and I've got plenty of those already. Plus I'm leery of cyberpsychos, so I tend to avoid being too "visible".

I think you are too hard on yourself, but then, you post pictures of dogs fucking, so... maybe not... ;)

(by the way, my word verif? "citints" is that supposed to be some form of "sentence"???)

Bev said...

MOFM - Firstly, I love you back. :) And why am I not surprised that you and I are simpatico on every level... except that you are buff, and I am... not. It's ok, though... hopefully your OCD will rub off on me in a good way and I will suddenly feel the urge to exercise again! Fingers crossed.

Harmony! You're adorable. I can't believe you couldn't decipher the dog effing. Too freakin' cute!! Also, I talk on the phone a lot too, but only to about 3 people...

ONE OF WHOM IS MALA. Don't let her fool ya! Just because I was makin' the copies while she tried me at work (for the 4th or 5th time today, I might add) doesn't mean I screen her calls! As a matter of fact, hers are sometimes the only ones I take in a given day!

Samsmama - I would totally take your call, lady! Except that you'd be too cool to call me, I fear. And thusly, we reach an impasse. ;)

Cheasty - HA! Sometimes I fear that this whole blog is about ways in which I rock! But thank you for your concern! oxoxo

Mtn Mama - HA! I also live in Bumfuck, but we do get cell reception here. Except if you drive by power lines or go into a valley, and then you're scrod. ;) Oh, and so far the only cyberpsycho I've run across on FB is Frank, and I'm reasonably sure he's harmless. Mostly.

Kate said...

Do you guys remember that episode of "Friends" where Monica gives the really awful back massages and Chandler says she is the champion of bad massages?

Bev, look at it this way---You're a CHAMP!!

Cary said...

It's only a fail if you give a shit. And most of us fail at that. So technically it's not a fail at all.

It's not that we're lazy. It's that we... whatever.

Bev said...

Kate, YES! I'm awesome at being awful at these things! YAY, me!

Cary, I love how you're too lazy to even finish the quote. You... eh, whatev. You know what you are!

calicobebop said...

I fail all of those (except #3 - yet) right along with you.

And yes - paying for the membership without going? I'm the QUEEN! I finally stopped my WW membership after not going to meetings for nearly a YEAR! Sin tax indeed.

Jillinator said...

Okay, little late, but gotta respond... I LOVE YOU MAN! Except for ever having kept my car clean (you've seen it more than once... YIKES... now hearing that you're into clean cars I'm even MORE shamed, I won't do anything about it, but I'm shamed) or writing a novel your post could be me (okay - so that's 40% off... whatever)

oh, and todays' word: "tescrool" sounds like an injury to testicles to me