Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Truthful Tuesday

AKA: It's my blog and I'll rant if I want to.

I came back to work today, and am regretting that decision. My boss hasn't darkened the doorstep yet, but I'm dreading the moment he does. He'll be nice and all, but he's just so self-involved that it's bound to be one of these conversations:

Boss: "I'm so sorry about your dad. Are you ok?"
Me: "Thanks. I'm doing ok. Not great, but ok."
Boss: "When my wife's father died... blah blah blah, lots of redundant crap that's supposed to somehow make me feel sorry for his wife for her loss a YEAR ago."
Me: "Yes, that's very sad. I remember. How's she doing now?"
Boss: "She's alright. She still gets sad... more stupid annoying tripe about himself and their coping mechanisms from the death of an 86-yr-old man a YEAR ago."
Me: nodding sympathetically and making low sounds of consolation.
Boss: "So anyway, about those TPS reports...."


So far the rest of the office is leaving me alone, thank goodness, but I'm sure that won't last. I'm just glad my crazy cat-lady coworker isn't in today, because all she will do is blab for five straight hours about every person she's ever known who has died, EVER. Because that is exactly how she rolls. Jerk Store! I might just snap and kill the bitch. It's been 6 years of listening to that harpy drone on and on and on, and this might just be the event that snaps my patience in two!

On a funny note, a friend of mine recently suggested that I get an air horn and give her a good blast whenever she starts up. HAHAHAHA! I think that's an excellent idea, but she is old, and I don't want to kill her, just shut her up. Still... I might consider it.

UPDATE: While I was writing this, boss came in, and the conversation went exactly as I had predicted. HA! I rule! Also, I was just thinking that I was a teeny bit peeved that no one from the office bothered to send me a card or some damn flowers, and Boss tells me that he and his wife are having a tree planted in Israel for me. Um, thanks. That's very... thoughtful, I guess. Whatever, dude.

Ok, more truths.... Things that have bummed me out this week:
Ads for Father's Day
My father's empty chair at the lunch table
Mala's woes... I will be busting some skulls if need be. Trust.
Being forced to shop yesterday for clothes to wear to this big family wedding we have this week.

Oh yeah, that's another thing. Jim's brother is getting hitched on Saturday. I LOVE this BIL, love him silly, and I love his bride-to-be (BTB). But, do I feel like schlepping my entire family onto a plane to Philly on Thursday, getting us all looking halfway decent, and putting on a smiley face for the entire group of in-laws and BTB's family all weekend long? HELL to the muthafuckin' NO.

Things that have made me happy this week:
My friends are awesome
Online chats
Plans for future fun
Getting mobile web for my phone (it's the little things)

One last bit of truth for now: My boss is sitting at crazy coworker's desk today for no good reason. He does this now and then, and it pisses me OFF. I mean, the man's got a perfectly good office, yet he sits 4 feet away from me? He's not even working, he's looking at CNN and ESPN. Goddamn it!


Ok, anyway. That's what's new today. Aren't you glad you checked my blog? Ha ha... sigh. Ha.


Cary said...

Aw, B. So sorry. The empty chair thing 'bout made me cry. Ya know, my grandpa died back in '86 and it was rough. He went so suddenly, it really caught us off guard. He was only 109.

AIR HORN! hahaha

Harmony said...

I'm with Cary, the empty chair thing..*tears* So sorry Bev.

If the air horn thing is a bit much, maybe you should develope a weird twitch whenever she starts to bug you. You could smack her arm without realizing it, and only apologize after she brings to light that you just smacked her. Or you could suddenly burst out into song. Or forget the song, you could do the angels choir sound "aaaahhhhhh". Or be more direct, and keep a squirt bottle full of water. When ever she sprays you down with her ranting ways, you can return the favor and ask her "wasn't that refreshing?" in a completely cheerful and innocent voice.

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

lmao @ I VANT TO BE ALONE! that's me, like ALL THE TIME.

i love how you perfectly pepper pop culture references into every single post.

sending happy thoughts your direction, lady.

that is all. :)

Kate said...

That just sucks Bev. I am sorry.

I do think that you should go ahead and kill cat-lady. Think of it as therapy AND community service!

Oh good grief, I just realized what Cary's profile picture was. Now I am going to have that damn song stuck in my head all damn day.

Mary said...

Ok- I think I may have an idea- anytime crazy cat lady comes near, start fake sneezing uncontrollably....directly at her. Eventually tell her either you're allergic to her or her crazy cats(wait, are the cats crazy, or is she?)...then possibly you can ask to be moved to another desk b/c you're allergic to her.
sending warm thoughts your way :)

MtnMama said...

Someone once suggested to me that I turn a hose on some constantly arguing neighbors. I never actually did it, but I'm thinking that may be just the ticket for your office pal. Like Harmony's idea. Not fatal, but unpleasant.

Your boss is a tool.

The rest of our building was notified of 58 more layoffs yesterday, so it was a FUN PLACE to work all day. Today, eerily quiet.

Well, I'd better get back to my TPS reports! yeahhhhh.

Samsmama said...

I was working up a really nice comment until I read about the tragic passing of Cary's grandpa at such a tender age. FML, I'm laughing too hard.

The air horn is brilliant. But I also like Harmony's squirt bottle idea. Eh, fuck it, just taze the bitch.

Heidi Renée said...

Really? Has America run out of places to plant trees?

rkintn said...

LOL at Samsmama! I totally have the taser for you too! I got a mini taser from my ex sister in law this past Christmas. It's no bigger than medium sized stapler and it has a holster and everything! I haven't actually used it on anyone yet but it makes a wicked electrical sound when you push the button! It actually plugs into the wall to charge, too:)

Harmony said...

LMAO @ Heidi Renee..Exactly! What the hell is up with people doing things in your "honor" without any physical proof?

Mala said...

Late to the party. again. GD you blogger!!!
A tree in Isreal? A tangerine tree, by chance? Is he going to send you there to see it? I was told it was going to be flowers!(hee hee - I just told Joe and he's all 'what the fuck?')
And just so you know, I've sponsored a wild squirrel in your honor.
I second the water bottle idea. I do that to keep the cat off my bed. Works pretty well. But just to up the anty, it doesn't have to be water...*evil laugh*

LOL my word verf. is "endshevo"
"To plant de tree we must dig a hole andshevo the dirt."

Bev said...

HA! You guys are the bomb diggity. Oh, how I enjoy your witty banter! :D Srsly, thanks.

Cary - my sister called me to tell me that you made her pee her pants with laughter today with this comment.

Debbie, if you want to refute that claim, you need to start posting comments, ya lurker! Oh, and love ya!!

I am definitely thinking that a spray bottle filled with skunk spray (urine? what is that stuff, anyway?) might be the way to go. Then, when she's wet, maybe I'll tazer her for the full effect. After that I'll go with Mary's idea and say I have an allergy that causes me to do crazy things. I'm sure she won't press charges. After all, it's all part of the grieving process!

Oh, and yes, I agree - the tree in Israel is like the equivilant of a donation to The Human Fund, am I right? Oh no, don't send flowers... that's so cliche and touching. Heck, don't even give ME a tree to plant in my own GD yard in his honor. Plant the tree in Israel. B/c that makes perfect sense.


Samsmama said...

Human Fund? Seinfeld reference?

Word verf: boama

I got your Obama RIGHT HERE!

Harmony said...

Human Fund...definitely Seinfeld! LMAO, I cannot believe I passed up a chance to use that. *smacks head*

Steph said...

So, this tree in Israel...are you going to get photos and updates about it and shit? You know, like when you send money to the kids in Africa and you get your very own kid who tells you how your $18.99/month is putting him through law school? Because that would be awesome, except the tree probably won't finish law school, and that would be disappointing.

Bev said...

Samsmama - This is me we're talking about. Of course it's a Seinfeld reference! (blush) I can't seem to go a minute w/out throwing one out there. But, in my defense, is it MY fault that Seinfeld nailed every bizarre idiosyncracy in American culture? I think not. Hey man, don't shoot the messenger!

Harmony - No problem, girl! I know you get the jump on me with the next one. You keep at it. ;)

Steph - HAHAHA! TOTALLY! Love it. Jim's family has like 10 of those sponsored African kids. they always have pics of them on their fridge, and I'm the skeptic who's like, "Yeah, that's not where your money is going. Your money is going to produce the 4 minute ads featuring starving fly-ridden children that they air late at night when I'm most vulnerable." But that's just me.

Courtney said...

Wanna borrow my BB gun?

Shit I'll hide out in the corner of her office and pop her a few times if you want? Just trying to help.

Bev said...

Courtney - Yes, please!!! I love the image of you popping out while she's sipping her cup o' soup or something. HA!!!