Monday, June 29, 2009

Two Tales of Weekend Debauchery

Tale One: It ain't a party till someone breaks a tooth!

So Friday night was Girls' Night In at my friend Sarah's house. Laurie and I decided that we'd make a night of it and go out for sushi beforehand, which we did, and it was fantastic. Seriously, thanks to Laurie, I'm now in love with sushi and could eat it every day. I'm not talking about hunks of raw fish, don't get me wrong; I'm talking about the adorable little rice, avocado, shrimp, crab, seaweed, and tempura concoctions that you dip in soy sauce and wasabi (Bev likes her sushi spicy!) and eat with chopsticks. But ANYWAY, I digress.

We had a lovely meal and great conversation, as always, then we headed on over to Sarah's and met up with some other girls. We met a new chick who seems nice, and I like making new friends, so that's cool. We were drinking dirty vodka martinis; which is basically just Kettle One vodka shaken up with olive juice and with a couple of good quality green olives in there. I love olives, I love salty foods, and of course I love(d) vodka, so I had... a few. Ok, I had three (ish). Yeah, I was pretty sauced, but I wasn't driving and I was being my usual sociable and charming self (heh), so it's all good, right?

At one point we had to look something up online, don't remember what, and Sarah made the mistake of leaving herself logged in to Facebook. People who know me know to NEVER, EVER DO THAT. We updated her status tout de suite, and then we might have joined a couple of groups that I thought Sarah might be interested in. You know, like "Sarah is now a fan of pussy," "Sarah joined the group 'Pig Fuckers United,'" and Sarah just became friends with "Randy Lickers."

In retrospect, I guess I had it comin'.

Next thing I know, I'm standing in the kitchen talking to my new friend Jen & we're still giggling over our little adventures in Facebookland. La la la... everything's dandy... when suddenly 5'9" of liquored-up brunette hit me from behind and pulled me over onto the floor. HARD. All I saw was the shocked looks of people around us and then the ceiling, and my teeth smacked together with such force that I instantly knew something bad had happened in there. I tasted a little piece of something... at the time I feared it was a filling that had been jarred loose. I now know that it was actually a piece of my freaking back MOLAR that had been broken off by the impact of my friend's surprise tackle. Fucking great. I guess I should be grateful that it wasn't a hip or something, because I am clearly getting too old to drink heavily.

That's when Sarah's husband came down and gave us the bum's rush, and we went back to Laurie's house. Where apparently, we hung out for a little longer, but I couldn't say I remember that part. Nor do I remember the part of the evening when Laurie claims I said, "I am just gonna lie down for a minute," and then I crossed my hands over my chest and lowered myself straight back onto her couch, in her words, "like a vampire lying back into a coffin." Nice.

I spent the next day lying around pledging to never drink again. Those salty drinks sapped my body of every last drop of moisture! I looked something like this all day on Saturday, though I certainly was not rockin' out to my boom box.

In a related story, I will never drink Dirty Martinis again. The End.

Tale Two: I think you underestimate the sneakiness!

Unbeknownst to us, last night our son sneaked down from bed and hid out in the kitchen while we were watching TV. We were just killing time until True Blood came on, so we watched a DVR'ed episode of Arrested Development. I thought I heard something at one point, and Jim went and investigated and decided it was the cat moving his cat dish. Okay, cool. We reverted back to our TV coma. When it ended, we had about 20 minutes still so I put on Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. We were laughing away, and it was the part of the movie when John Cleese starts giving the Sex Ed class. You know, the part where he starts clinically detailing the acts of foreplay and sex:

"Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson."

We were laughing away, and we had just gotten to the part where the professor's wife comes in and they're lying face to face about to demonstrate for the students when I heard a noise from the kitchen.


So I pause it, and of course it's such a ridiculously suggestive freeze frame that I instantly start blushing, and we discover Danny hiding under a kitchen bar stool, watching the TV. Oh, SNAP. Jim starts grilling him about how long he'd been watching, and I went from annoyed to bemused in about 3 minutes... right around the time Danny outed himself and said, "I haven't been here very long. It was the cat moving his dish!" Hahahahahahahahaha! Busted!

In case you haven't seen it, check out the scene here:

The moral of these stories: Choose your drinking buddies carefully, and don't assume your children are asleep at 9:45 PM just because they've been in bed for almost two hours. They are sneaky little mofos.


Organic Meatbag said...

Wow, so it sounds like broken teeth are the perils of Facebook I need to hack my brother's Facebook account and leave the status "is busy sucking a cock"...hahaha!

calicobebop said...

OMG! Your poor teeth! I hope it's not still hurting!

And your son? Genius. Pure genius. Hiding under a stool! I remember sneaking out of my room one night and watching "Life of Brian" from behind the couch. My brother was supposed to be babysitting but he had a friend over and they were watching tv.

Kids = sneaky.

onebadmamajama said...

Ouch! I hope your tooth is feeling better today.

I can remember sneaking down the hallway when I was kid and watching tv on the sly. I also remember getting caught LOL If you think he's sneaky now..just wait LMAO I have teenagers:)

BTW, I wanted to give my condolences to Jill and her family. My thoughts and prayers have been with you guys all weekend.

Courtney said...

LIAR LIAR LIAR - I give it a month or less and you will be drinking dirty martini's again!!!! Who you think your are foolin woman?

I'm going to leave the "I like salty stuff" comment alone... I'm sure someone else will handle it for me. ha

Hope the fangs are OK.

Kate said...

So did the brunette attack you or did her drunk ass fall into you and bring you down? Was she intending for it to be a full on chick fight?

Tell your son to close his eyes next time. If he can't see you, then you can't see him. At least that's what I thought when I was a kid.

I love how John Cleese continues to reprimand his students through it all.

Bev said...

Org. MB - Do it! Srsly, nothing gives me the giggles like making my friends look insane on FB.

Calico - Thanks! It doesn't really hurt, thank goodness, but it's all jaggedy. My dentist will be adding a new wing onto his house this summer thanks to me.

Rhonda - Thx for the condolences. I will pass them along to Jill.

Also, when I was 9 I sneaked downstairs and watched "Poltergeist" without my parents knowing! Except, I started sobbing during the swimming pool scene and gave myself away!

Courtney! Ha ha! Yes, I'm sure our lovable resident pervs will love that visual.... LMAO @ fangs!

Kate - believe it or not, she was trying to be affectionate.... Yeah, I know. She was trying to give me a huge hug from behind and got a little carried away. Aggressively affectionate, that's Sarah. :)

Kate said...

Love hurts baby.

Mary said...

oh good god- I can't quit laughing! I remember the day I vowed off blue drinks- and for years after, when I got wasted, I would shout, NO BLUE DRINKS... EVER!!!!!
Oh it was pathetic alright.
Anyway, you're my new best friend b/c you dvr'd Arrested Development.
Call me every 5 minutes :)

p.s. I've made a huge mistake

Samsmama said...

Absolutely hysterical! I can't tell you how many different drinks I've sworn off over the years. I think the only two I've held my ground on are Rumple and Goldschlager.

Sam snuck in on us one time. Let's just say that I'm glad he's too little to fuck with the internet. Because he'd surely have updated my FB status to "Is busy sucking a cock."

PorkStar said...

hahahahahaha awwww poor thing.. about the tooth, let's mix it up with the facebook thing and all together sing along: "Karma is a bitch".

As for the second part, I used to do the same and I was NEVER ever caught.... however, my taste for love and debauchery may have something to do with that, now that I think of it.

MtnMama said...

My god, Bev! You are MUCH more sanguine about having to get a crown than I would be! (15 years in dentistry, don't ask)

I love wasabi and ginger, but not raw fish. So sometimes I tag along to sushi places and steal ginger off of others' plates.

I would have done the FB editing too; I wouldn't have been able to resist. It's part of the deal I made with my Dark Side; I let her run loose on the "harmless pranks" thing, as long as I don't have to pay too dearly for it later... but the dental work would have qualifies as "too dearly", so... I don't know what to say. :(

When I snuck out of bed, it was to watch the old "Time Machine" - with Rod Taylor, and Morlocks! Bad dreams for years!

Bev said...

Kate, did you just quote Bon Jovi to me? ;)

Mary - HILARIOUS!!!! Omg, I don't know what part of your comment I like best, but I think it's the part where I became your new bestie! No, no, it's the image of you drunkenly shouting "No blue drinks!" Yup, that's it.

Samsmama - so funny... so disturbing. Have I told you lately that I love you?

Porkstar - Oh, trust me, my parents weren't always watching horror flicks. My dad loved boobies too, and his love for them lives on in me. It's the circle of life, really.

MtnMama - Yes, I am surprisingly sanguine about it, but then again, I have not yet received my BILL. My husband is not nearly as relaxed about it all, and isn't eager for me to hang with Sarah again any time soon. *sigh*

Also, this wasn't my first time hacking someone's FB account. Heh heh... but most of the time I got away without having anything broken. Eesh.

Cary said...

I'll have to be sure and welcome Sarah to the "I Love Pussy" group.

Bev - I wanna party with you, cowgirl.

(Or reverse cowgirl, if that's yer thing. ZING!)

laurieliz said...

Again, that was some crazy night. I feel so bad you broke off part of your tooth though! Geez! Sarah sure can tackle....must be all those new muscles...she doesn't know her own strength.

I have to say it is soooo fun being the non-drunk girl (which does not happen often). You girlz made me laugh allll night! And I'm prolly sharing too much but, when we left, you (VERY LOUDLY) insisted we go the wrong way home...I'm like...this is the wrong way. "NO! Just keep going up here to the light" I finally had to distract you so that I could turn around and head home...

And Sarah must have really thrown you cuz the falling thing didn't stop at Sarah's. You stepped out of your car and boom hit the ground when we got to my house (I was dd)...then we were chillin on the couch and you somehow fell off of that! Poor Bevy must be one big bruise right about now!

And the vampire-style sleeping thing DID happen....I tend to think you may have been doing it for dramatic effect...and it worked...I think I spit out some of my water giggling.

Danny sneaking out to watch Monty frickin funny! I bet you couldn't help but laugh...and at least he has good taste!

Samsmama said...

The comment from laurieliz is quite possibly the best thing ever written. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that she weighed in on the matter. Had to distract you to get home, you fell off the couch...holy shit, that's funny!

Bev said...

Cary - Oh, I forgot, you're not only the President of "I Love Pussy," you're also a client!

Laurie - DUDE. thanks for that. Here I've been insisting to everyone that I wasn't falling down drunk.... well, shit. Guess I was!

LMAO! Can't believe I told you the wrong way home. I was probably trying to take you to MY house.

And yes, I am one big bruise. I keep finding new ones in the weirdest places!

Samsmama - laugh it up, girly! At least I didn't wake up naked in the shower like someone else I know.... HEE!!


Samsmama said...

Now wait just a darn minute! I most certainly did not wake up in the shower. I merely said that I remember my husband putting me in there, but nothing after that. I woke up naked in bed. So pffft!

Bev said...

LMGDAO! Tomato, tomahto....


MtnMama said...

Ah, yes, great stuff here, ladies! You are all invited to come drink with me anytime. (I have some stories that would make you all feel so much better about yourselves)

I just wanted to add what I forgot before:
When I was waiting for M to wake up to see whether we were going for my big Red Lobster dinner or not, I was happily sitting on the couch drinking a glass of wine, watching this very movie! (for the 483rd time, I believe!) - I should have stayed where I was! ah, hindsight...what a bitch you are.

oh, and word verif? "shiners" hmmm...

PorkStar said...

oh and by the way i still can watch the vid : (

Mala said...

Laurie!! No pictures?!!! WTF?! Vampire Bev made me giigle... Now, was she wearing her "I Hump Fangs" (or whatever it says) pin?

Ahhh, Bevers, you know how I hate missing good drinkin' times with you. But I loved how you were back on the wagon (or is it off the wagon?) by lunch on Sunday! *evil laugh*

Bev said...

MtnMama - yay! So, it's kind of like we were watching together. COOL!

PStar - sorry, bro. It may be because this YouTube vid is age-restricted. YouTube doesn't think you're old enough to watch it, clearly. Heh.

Mala - It's FANG BANGER, damn it! And heck, I only had wine with lunch to help out Joe. Gotta take one for the team, am I right?

Jillinator said...

okay - so I was needing a laugh right about now and so went back to re-read this post... as having been on the receiving end of fb hacking I promise I will never tackle you (the whole falling off the bed incident did not include any pushes by me if you remember!)
Danny peeking on the TV cracked me up... Andra has done that on more than one occassion (luckily not while cathouse was on... something about that show makes me have to watch it.. damn! another reason you're gonna say superfreak was the right ringtone for me!)
you're evening with the girls makes me giggle like a school girl - you truly can party like a rock stah!
Thank you to everyone who has sent their love to me... relatives are still in town but instead I'm staying in today, drinking a beer, looking at all my half-unpacked crap from our trip and thinking I *should* be cleaning up but instead i'm spending my time on the computer swinging between laughing at crap that helps me to get in a little happiness and re-reading the sweet and touching things people have said to me. Ugh, I'm having a beer (fuck the calories) and and thinking about zoning out and emptying my dvr of some of the stuff sitting on it.
oh, word verf: elerius, as in when I'm drunk and miss letters "Bev is freaking elerius"

Elliott said...

I appreciate the video, but could anyone have NOT seen this? (Other than Lori, who despite all of her other fine qualities, just doesn't get MPFC.)

As for the dirty martini, beautiful things. I'll have to try the vodka, I prefer Hendricks or Bombay Sapphire gin with my olive juice.

And I have done the "I'm just going to lie down for a few minutes" and then passed out for the evening, leaving Lori and our friends to listen to my snoring. Good times!