Thursday, July 23, 2009

Do your boobs hang low?

Do they wobble to and fro'?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?

Yesterday we went to a water park. Since my youngest son is too little to ride most of the good rides, I spent a lot of time floating with him in an inner tube in the "whirlpool." The whirlpool is a large round pool with currents that move you in a slow, lazy circle not unlike circling the drain in a giant toilet bowl. My kid sat stiffly in my lap wearing a huge orange life vest, and the inner tube was so big that basically my entire mid-section was in the water, leaving two legs, two arms (filled with said life-vested almost-two-year-old), and my little wet head sticking out of the top. Quite a sight, really. If only I'd had a camera... however I don't allow cameras in the vicinity when I plan to spend the day swathed in Lycra and dripping wet. That's just a no-no on many levels.

While drifting in the overly-chlorinated bacteria-trap, I had time to observe some of the other park-goers and reflect upon the cruelty of time and gravity on the human physique. People come in all shapes and sizes, which is the mantra I've drilled into my 6-year-old's head whenever he asks me why someone is fat or old or just plain ugly.

I saw all kinds of people in the Fug Parade: pre-adolescent girls in bikinis with remarkably smooth, un-stretch-marked stomachs, teenage girls who had eaten one too many Big Macs but who were also shamelessly sporting bikinis and belly rings, moms in tankinis who needed a little more support to keep the spare tire under control, old men with moobs, guys with hairy backs, lots of regrettable tattoos, and cellulite and thigh dimples galore.

What struck me most was the ta-tas. I've never seen so many saggy funbags in my life! Why aren't these people buying better bathing suits? Underwire is your friend, girls! Here's a tip for you: if you look down and can't see the shape of your nips through the fabric, you need a more supportive bathing suit top! Just sayin'.

Looky here: If a beautiful woman like Uma freakin' Thurman can be caught in a bad suit, it can happen to anybody. Get thee to the bathing suit store and lift those thangs up! I'm personally not happy until mine are cranked up to 11, which puts them up somewhere just under my chin. Sure, it hurts like hell, but come on! Being fabulous hurts sometimes, and if you don't believe me, just check out most womens' footwear.

Frankly, though, I really long for the days when bathing suits looked like this:

*sigh* Times were so much simpler then. A swim dress sounds awesome. I could totally get on board with that.

Anywho, while I was hunting down pictures for this post (would you believe that it was surprisingly difficult to find pics of saggy boobs? I was shocked, shocked, I tell you!), I found a delightful little product that looks like a good stocking-stuffer for all of the women in your life. Check it out:

GENIUS! Sure, it looks like you're sleeping with a dildo between your boobs, but whatev! Mrs. Cunningham, er, Grandma sure looks happy about it.

So, there's that.

Oh, and after going down a couple of those waterslides, I am in the market for some sort of painful-wedgie-remover product AND a new bathing suit. Some of those things hurt like a mutha and wear out the seat of your suit! There was one slide that actually slammed you in the face with a wall of water at the very last second. Thanks a-fucking-lot! Ouch! Along the same lines, I think it's a good thing my husband and I are done having kids, because the Geronimo (straight down) slide did something quite wrong to his twig and berries and he's still walking funny today. Poor guy. They really ought to put a warning on those things.


tonya said...

WHOOT WHOOT!!! FIRST COMMENT WHOO HOO, THAT IS A FIRST FOR ME, sorry for the caps, Very funny story, i agree i wish we could go back to the old days as well, my baggy saggy ass is being hidden under a skirt bathing suit this year, as for the girls they have lost all life after the last baby, ok so its been almost 10 months and i should have lost some weigth by now, but its only been 10 months, but i live in florida and i by far am not the nastiest thing on the beachfront. hope the husband feels better soon, that does not sound comfortable . poor guy

The Peach Tart said...

Last weekend I went to the pool and experienced more saggy boobs than I need to see in a lifetime. I mean they do make Wonderbra bathing suit tops for Christ sake.

Frank Irwin said...

I think I've been to that water park (there can't be too many in that area, can there?), but I forget the name of it. I remember the Geronimo, I always felt like I was goign to fall forward on it as I hit the steep section.

Elliott said...

I don't do waterparks. The pool is fine at home, but I try not to inflict my paleness on the general populus. There's a reason they tell you (or SHOULD tell you) to cross your ankles tightly before going down the slide. Otherwise, swimwear tends to get crammed where it shouldn't be, regardless of the safety of one's personal area involved.

Tonya, I'm more impressed with the human handbags on the beach than anything else. Do you really need to tan when you're already wearing an aligator purse?

tonya said...

my eyes, my eyes, have seen the most horrid things at the beach here, 100 yr olds with speedos and string bikinis, it should be a crime

Samsmama said...

July is almost over and I've been to the pool approximately zero times. And it's because I don't have a swim suit and have refused to go buy one. Not to mention, I have some really odd tan lines that I didn't feel like sharing.

Sorry about your husband's junk. Take him out for ice cream. It helped Sam.

Kate said...

You mean that they DON'T have the standard "twig and berries" warnings posted. You should sue. Either that or men should learn to wear sliding shorts under their bathing suits.

My boobies are like an orange in a tube sock or a water balloon tacked to the wall. Seriously. They're disgusting. But us moms know that soon enough they will be both the size and firmness of watermelons, with a leak. Very sexy.

Uma should know better.

Word Verf: pudess

Can I pudess dildo in between my boobies instead of spending money on a Kush?

Bev said...

Tonya - wooot, indeed! Go you! Oh, and 10 months ago you had a baby? Shoot, girl, cut yourself some slack! 9 months up, 9 months down, and then at least another 3 for good measure. I say.

Peach Tart - YES. Exactly. Miracle Suit, tummy control, underwire... what have you. There are lots of ways to not look like 10 lbs of shit in a 5 lb sack at the beach.

Frank, this was Water Country in Portsmouth, NH. There's another one up north that we'll try out next time, but this one was closer. I didn't do the Geronimo, myself, or the one that you go down face-first. I like a good thrill, but I don't have a death wish!

Elliott - I'm pale & proud, brah! Besides, let's talk to those "human handbags" in 10 years and compare wrinkles, shall we?

Samsmama - funny you should mention that! We totally hit DQ on the way home. ;) Didn't stop him from bitching about his 'nads, tho. Men.

Kate - I love you, and your soon-to-be-leaky melons. Oh, the lactation stories I could tell... but I'll spare you all today.

Mala said...

Hee hee - we renamed the Geronimo to the Wedgie-mo. Hours of entertainment sitting down at the bottomof that thing, I tell ya. What?! I'm not a perv! That shit's funny. Everyone has their own method of wedgie-removal-before-standing... and some don't. And of course there's those skinny bitches who attempt the Wedgie-Mo in their teeny bikinis... serves them right when they franticly fish the pieces of their swimwear out of the water! *evil laugh*

Mala said...

and I'm back.... damn follow button!

onebadmamajama said...

The really huge fat girls in bikinis always amaze me. I have to wonder where they got their mirror at home and how much would it cost for me to get one LOL

Sorry to hear about the "twig and berries". Hopefully he'll get to feeling better soon;)

LMAO my word verification is...bratop!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Of course Grandma looks happy. Where do you think that thing was BEFORE it was between her boobs?!?

Also...based on a search I just did for the Friday Latin Lesson...finding saggy boobs isn't a problem.

Finding saggy PG boobs, now there's the challenge.

Steph said...

You can still get swim dresses. Sort of. Rockabilly chicks rock some mad fly swim gear. Just sayin'.

Dude, what is that Kush thing supposed to do? IDGI. And I'm afraid to Google it.

calicobebop said...

Oh my God, - the Fug Parade! You really know how to turn a phrase! I agree whole-heartedly with your assessments. And when I went shopping for a new suit I made sure I could ratchet the girls up to my chin before I bought it! Very important, yo!

Bev said...

Mala - the Wedgie-mo! Seriously, they should set up lawn chairs at the bottom. That's just good clean entertainment!

OBMJ - I need one of those fun-house mirrors, too! Actually, no I don't. I have a rather delusional self-image as it is. Whenever I see photos of myself I'm like, "No way! THAT'S what I look like? Fuck me!

mjenks - yes, because I'm always so concerned about keeping my blog PC. Heh heh. Oh, and Grandmas need good vibrations, too!

Steph - sign me up for 3 of those swim dresses. Also, don't google "kush," unless you like seeing tons of pictures of sticky marijuana buds. Just FYI. Not that I know or anything.

Calico - thanks! And yes, it is important! There is nothing a good underwire and halter can't fix!

Courtney said...

I think that you need to gently caress and suck his twig and berries... just my opinion.

LOL at Samsmsma - "approximately zero times"

Bev said...

Courtney, is that your medical opinion? New nickname: Dr. Goodhead?

Though really, that's more of a Samsmama nickname. ;-)

Cary said...

A co-worker of mine gave the perfect description of a water park to a woman who asked him what they were like (she'd never been).

"Have you been to Six Flags?" he asked her.


"Well, it's all the same people, except now you are bathing with them."

That said, we'll be going to a water park next week at the beach. I might wear a wet suit and a plastic bubble over my head. That won't look bad.

Samsmama said...

Did somebody page Dr. Goodhead?

My word verf is lounge. It's like it knows it's me. Seriously, even my words are lazy.

Bev said...

Cary, that IS the perfect description! Bravo!

Also, pics, please. :)

Samsmama - I knew that if I mentioned the words "good" and "head" together, you'd come running! LOVE THAT!

Heh heh, lounge. I swear that Blogger hand-picks the word verifications based on content. Oddly enough, my gmail's user-generated ads always include sex stuff. Hmmm.