Saturday, July 11, 2009

Pretty fly... for a white chick

AKA: Tipsy blogging.

Yes, it's Saturday night, and I am where I almost always choose to be: curled up on the couch with my laptop and my (2nd) glass of Cab. The hubster is up caging the children for the night, I've got some silly pop culture VH1 show on the TV, and I am officially me-llelow like Jell-o. Today was a nice quiet day at home. We had big plans (weather permitting) to go to a water park today, but the little one woke up at 2 AM last night burning up with fever. I found myself on the couch at 2:15 with both kids drinking from their little Capri-Sun flavored water pouches, accepting the proffered Motrin droppers with such little fuss that it was clear they weren't feeling well.

So, we stayed home today. I love staying home; I am a home body by nature, after all. However by around 3 PM I start to get a little stir-crazy. I wish my attention span would make a come-back. I used to sit and read for hours and wish I had more time to do it, but lately I just can't seem to find a book that holds my attention. I have about 4 of them bookmarked, and I'll sit and read a chapter here and a chapter there, but never feel that pull to sit and finish it. The same goes for my writing; I feel no inspiration whatsoever. Hopefully my broke-down crack whore muse will return at some point so I can get the creative juices flowing again. Until then, I will just bore you all with my little bloggy thoughts. Like these:


Why does self-tanner have to smell like crap?
Let it be known that I am generally at peace with my paleness. I am simply not someone who gets bronzed in the summer, and I am beyond trying to fake it. I love to go sit in the sun to soak it in to raise my spirits, but always with sunblock and I can really only stand it for about 30 minutes before I start feeling hot and sweaty and need to seek shade. I don't turn "tan," I turn red and freckle-y, so what's the point?

BUT, I do like to wear skirts and shorts and I like bare legs, so that means I feel the need to keep the glare down to a minimum. We don't need people driving off the road because they are blinded by the brilliant flash of white that occurs when sunlight meets my bare legs, after all!


Every summer I try the various lotions that claim to have "subtle self-tanners" in them, and every year I find one that is... okay. Not fantastic, just okay. What irks me is the smell. Why is it that they can't seem to formulate a subtle self-tanner that doesn't smell like... I dunno, there's no comparison. It's such a distinct scent. Stale skin? A "used diaper filled with Indian food?"

Yeah, that's about right.

It's not a scent that I enjoy, that's for sure. Why must I be forced to make this choice? I can be ridiculously pasty OR smell like unfiltered desperation? *sigh* It is tough being a girl.

I yearn for the days when being pale was in.



That's all I got. Happy Saturday night, everyone!
oxoxoxo

31 comments:

Samsmama said...

As you know, I'm ghostly white as well. I don't mess with self tanner anymore. It never fails that I miss a huge portion or inbetween my fingers gets the majority of it. I give up. Also? I don't know what the stank smell is, but I can smell a person that just got out of a tanning bed from 100 yards out.

Hope everybody is feeling better. I'm off to make my first drink. It's 8:15 and I'm WAY behind schedule.

And here's TMI, I've been giggling to myself all day because I stumbled across a pair of thong underwear I've had for years. They came from my bartending days when a sponsor came in. Know what they say? Tastes Great, Less Filling. HA! I'm dying to get that kid to bed. Sorry, someone had to know.

Samsmama said...

Don't mind me, clicking for follow-up comments. Go about your business.

Bev said...

Smama - Palefaces, unite! :) Also, I want some of those undies. Hilar!

oxox

MtnMama said...

Darling, I suspect your "broke-down crack whore muse" will return once your boys are past needing 2 am Motrin. Just a wild guess on my part, not that I know anything about that... ;)

I DO tan... eventually. If I am allowed some uninterrupted time to get some sun, which until the last couple weeks, was something that was FEW and far between. So I know all about blinding strangers with my pale legs. And now I have other "interesting" things going on with my legs, (like weird veiny things), that a tan would really help diffuse. You got it, my friend; it IS hard being a girl!

And Samsmama? someone has to be getting some. heaven knows it ain't over here. you enjoy yourself. I'll just live vicariously through you and Bev...

Kate said...

Everyone else I have talked to doesn't smell that smell. How is that possible??? The expensive ones and the cheap ones leave you with that unmistakable "is that sweat and cumin or did you just step in something?" kind of smell.

Broke-down crack whore muse? I laughed so hard I almost peed a little. Okay, so I didn't ALMOST, I actually did....but just a little.

Word verf: winessul as in "Bev was very winessul when writing this post."

Samsmama--less filling? does that mean you have a shallow vagina? (Did that just go beyond the bounds of good taste? Yeah, probably.)

Frank Irwin said...

Nice work, Kate!

Hair remover is pretty stanky, too.

calicobebop said...

First off - kudos to you for being up with sick kids in the middle of the night. That sucks, we've all been there and it's no fun.

Secondly - two words. Mystic. Tan. I know. It costs money and involves going somewhere - but FOR REAL! Best invention EVER! Just saying. If pale isn't your thing? Spray on baby, spray on...

Kristen said...

Pale isn't in? You should move to Cali...we are all pale. Sure...
Look at it this way. When we are all in our 50's you and I will have way better skin then those crackled sun worshippers!

Mary said...

just wanted to say 'nice job' on the nod to Anchor Man...one of my favorites :)

Mala said...

Samsmama - that would be the smell of several layers of dermis crisping. Mmmmmmmm......

Bevaroni - I hope the munchkins are feeling better. And we all know you are totally fly! Shall we add Mystic Tan to our laundry list for Wednesday?

hee hee, my word verf is WAYAGN
Woo-hoo I can't wait to get wayagn!

moffum said...

bev, you should post more often when you're sleep-deprived and on your second glass. ;)

anchorman is one of my all-time favorite movies. well, that and blades of glory. i'm will farrell's brokedown crack whore muse.

kate me me LOL at the "is that sweat and cumin or did you just step in something?" SO TRUE! i just don't understand how some people's noses just don't work.

Elliott said...

Thanks to my German and Irish roots, I am a sunburn waiting to happen. At least once we moved to Florida, my legs started getting freckles, a step in the right direction away from Ghostly Chicken.

On the up-side of perpetual paleness, I've worked with a few leather handbags down here, and I just can't imagine - does your will dictate that your family make luggage out of you when you die? As Fat Guy, I don't want to look like that, I might get tagged as a walrus and taken back to the zoo.

Sorry about the sickies, but at least you have a nice cab to offset it.

Bev said...

MtnMama - you are such a sweetheart. Thanks for saying that I'm uninspired in part b/c of my Momly duties - I honestly didn't think of it that way, but it makes sense! Also, you made me LOL with the "other interesting things" and living vicariously thru us. Stick with us, gf, and we will have you rockin' highlights and gettin' biz in no time!

Kate - BEST. COMMENT. EVAR. If I gave out awards, yours would win. "is that sweat and cumin or did you just step in something?" is the most perfect line I've ever heard to describe self-tanner scent. For REAL. It rocks!! ;-) Also, you are knocked up, so it's acceptable for you to pee when you laugh! Embrace it, and go change into your "Less Filling" panties, k?

Frank - Do I want to know why you are familiar with the scent of depilatories? Do cyclists Nair their legs, like swimmers? Do tell!

Calico - Hold up! Does Mystic Tan NOT have a smell?? I hear they can draw on some abs with that shit, too! Beach Body here I come!

Kristen - Believe me, that very thought keeps me warm at night. I may be opaque now, but some day they will look like an old shoe and I will still be porceline. So there. :)

Mary - You're welcome. You know this is your 1-stop-shop for silly movie quotes!

Mala - Yes! First, massage and/or facial, then mani/pedi/"only for you, baby!" then Mystic me up! We won't even look like ourselves by the time we hit NYC!

Moffum - Believe it or not, I actually usually try to refrain from drunken posting/commenting. There's nothing more annoying than reading someone's blog and thinking of my comment, then when I get there I see that I already commented... and it's totally incomprehensible blathering! Ooopsie! But, for YOU, I will consider doing more "1/2 in the bag" blogging.

Elliott - Ha! See, I am a mixture of so many pale nationalities, I can't even just blame the Germans or the Irish! I blame them, sure, but also the Scots and the Poles! I'm such a mutt.

You made me spit out a little coffee with "handbags!" HILARIOUS! And so true!! Hey, but be careful where you mention the walrus thing -- I hear Cary has a thing for Walruses.

Frank Irwin said...

Yeah, Bev, it's a cyclist thing. Those depilitory creams don't work. Now I use an epilator. :-D

onebadmamajama said...

OMG! You mean Frank epilates? Thinking about that makes me feel all funny and tingly when I think about it. lol

My name is Rhonda and I tan..in a tanning bed. I'm SORRY..but I also have mild psoraiasis and so in order not to look like a total freak by summer I gotta get a few rays to brown me up a bit and to but the ole psori in remission. BUT I don't look like a leather handbag cause I only go about three times a week, just to keep things mellow.

If I had wonderful pale, psoraiasis free skin I wouldn't tan at all. I'd proably burst into flame when I stepped into sunlight lol

Bev, I think our muses may be hanging out in the same spot. When I do have a quite moment in which I could write a little bit, I am totally uninspired so I end up watching Anthony Bourdain on the Travel channel. Come to think of it, that may not be helping lol

Samsmama said...

Kate, sweet Kate, "less filling" means that when you're eating

Ok, forget it. I don't want to get my commenting priveleges taken away.

Samsmama said...

Ok, second blog in a row that Rhonda has squeezed in a comment while I was typing mine. Just wanted to mention that. She did it to me over at Mary's place, too.

onebadmamajama said...

GMTA, Samsmama!

Samsmama said...

GMTA?

Samsmama said...

Color me stupid. And not a GM. I figured it out.

onebadmamajama said...

NUH UH you are far from stupid:)

Courtney said...

Haha - Boob Sweat - Kate asked if you had a shallow vagina....

Muffin - The only thing that is really tan on me is my arms from going to the barn on the weekends. My legs look freakishly white compared to them...

Oh and sorry but 2nd glass of wine - by the time you posted this, I was way deep in the cups. Just ask Boob Sweat.....

Bev said...

Frank - the image of you using an EpiLady is not one I'll be rid of anytime soon. Thx.

Rhonda - For shame! Tanning beds are the devil! Oh, and sorry about the psoriasis. That sux.

Samsmama - as IF I would ever revoke your commenting priviledges! I live for your comments, and am not easily offended. Heeeeee!

Rhonda - I still have no fucking clue what GMTA means. Please share with the rest of the class. :)

Courtney - who says I stopped at 2 glasses? :-p

onebadmamajama said...

Bev,
It means Great Minds Think Alike:)

MtnMama said...

obmj: Thanks. I am acronysm-deficient. I always feel old and retarded when people use them, and then sometimes I have to google them because they drive me crazy.

which reminds me: what the HELL is "bollads" ? please someone show some mercy...

Bev said...

Thx, Rhonda! I think I might've known that... once!

MtnMama - yep, they always take me a min. too! Sometimes if I get too stumped I just ask, but sometimes I'll google that sh-plit too.

Samsmama said...

MtnMama, "bollads" was something created in a commenter's head on LoTD, as opposed to LOL. I can't recall for sure, but I think she said something along the lines of "busted out laughing like a damn seal". I think she confused a TON of people when she left it as a comment much later on.

And I only got GMTA by googling it.

Kate said...

Thank the Lord someone explained what GMTA means. I was thinking it meant "Genetically Modified Total Annihilation." I was SO confused.

Frank Irwin said...

Kate, I was also thinking, "Genetically Modified Total Annihilation"! I guess it's true, GMTA!

verf: erack - "I like going to Bev's blog so I can ogle her erack."

Bev said...

Actually, it's more of a ddrack. Just sayin'.

Harmony said...

FML..I will never get caught up at this rate.

EVERYONE had me laughing out loud with their comments. Of course I was totally stumped with GMTA..as I am sure Samsmama already knew I would be. I am awful with that shit.

Sorry to hear that kids weren't feeling well...it just breaks your heart when they take their medicine so eagerly.