Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Google me hard! (ETA)

I don't go one day without using Google in some form.

Google Analytics

I admit, I'm terrible about actually looking at the data collected by this little widget. I forget for months at a time, but when I do it's always fun to see who came from where, if they were referred or have a direct link, and of course, what they might have searched for that brought them here to my little corner of the internet.

Side note: Once upon a time, there was a smart and funny blogger whose very name can no longer be uttered in our circles. She Who Must Not Be Named, let's call her Straightforward Mama, had to abandon her hilarious and popular blog, and she is sorely, sorely missed. Since she can't do her Google Analytics posts any longer, this one is for her.

Straightforward Mama, we love you! Your memory lives on.*


Anyway. Here's what crazy shite brought people to the OOBH recently:

do your boobs hang low
I get a ridiculous number of hits on this post every. single. day.
Other variations: Saggy boobs, boobs hang low, low boobies, saggy boobs floating in water, saggy funbags, saggy funbags sex

1000 words for boobs
Jeez, I DO talk about boobs a lot, huh? OOPSIE.

it's like i want to throw him out into traffic
Been there.

the naked nymphomaniac

man babies, you're welcome
Got 'em, and yes, you are welcome.

adolescent girls in bikinis

"rib tips" vacation clip
One of my favorite 2 second lines from Vacation, and one nobody ever gets.

beach chairs for boobs
Your boobs need a whole separate chair? Daaaaamn!

"nyc" places to pick up milfs

big tit milf

And while we're on the subject of MILFs, I also got these:
milf and fuck and manhattan
milf pick up places in nyc
milf-o plaza
milfs glasses big tits
milfs take it all
mothers love giants cocks
my milf bev
old fay milfs giving head

can women put their boobs over their heads and tie them into a bow??

clone a cock
I'd love to.

giant cock picture
What about it?

fat retired guy big glasses no tie shoes pictures
Wow, that's specific.

i'm going to be 30 and i have no career
Join the club, brotha. NTTAWWT.

i'm like put my hand in your boobs
Frank, is that you?


And my personal favorite:
pictures of men putting their heads into womens boobs

Straightforward Mama LIVES! Or so someone called Anonymous (if that is her real name) said in the comment section. Anon was kind enough to share the following list from her old site. I think you'll see why I was inspired to carry on in her honor. ENJOY!

since you mentioned me, (kinda... and because i still have some old search terms saved in a text file that is easily accessible) here are some for your reader's reading pleasure - you know, for old time's sake:

the not-so dirty--
fuck marriage baby
what do you do when you hate the in-laws
lactating mother how to manage in office
how do you draw a eaten sandwich
shitty mother in law
fuced by in-laws (india)

the dirty--
mommy fuck bound
the sun fuck the mooms
fuck moms very well
daddy suck my breast milk
lactating fuck milk


YAY. We love her, don't we? :) Ok, back to the original blatherings by yours truly....

Google Images.

You all know I am having a torrid love affair with Google images, right? I just love throwing in whatever bizarre thought has popped into my head and seeing what crazy crap Google throws back at me. Here are three of the best ones I have found this week (so far). These are the first images that appear in the search, not necessarily the best ones.

Search Term: "Birdy Num Num"
This is a line from a Peter Sellers movie called The Party. I dig it, but I don't know what made me think of it the other day. At all.

I don't know WTF this hand-puppet/Oobie-looking shit is, but rest assured that Peter Sellers was indeed the SECOND picture that came up. Thank goodness.

Search Term: "Giant Hole."

Heh heh. Indeeeeeeeed.

Search Term: "I hate that cat."

Because yes, I do hate that cat. All of our beloved pets have gone to the big dog park/litter box in the sky, except for this bedraggled half-wild furbag. He bites. He's incredibly stupid. He wakes us up all night long, wanting to either come in or go out. He poops outside of the litter box - right outside it! And now... the last straw... he peed on my dining room carpet out of spite and spite alone! He is clearly the devil.

I have no idea how one goes about getting rid of an unwanted 14 year old bastard cat, but I'm thisclose to putting cat nip under my rear tire and letting nature (and automatic transmission) take its course.

(J/K, don't call PETA on me. I could never hurt an animal. I think.)

In other news, my blog doesn't even come up when you search for Ass Bruise anymore, which is probably a good thing, but I can't help but feel a teensy bit empty inside. Sigh... it was fun while it lasted.

So there you have it: fun with Google.


Organic Meatbag said...

I'm googling as hard as I can! I couldn't possibly google any harder! Uhhh...never mind all that...hehehehe...

I do know that I found your blog by googling "Peasant Libyan clowns that place their penises in cookie dough while talking dirty with extreme circus midgets"... worked like a charm for me!

Frank Irwin said...


Well, close. I googled, "i'm like put my hand on your boobs".

Courtney said...

Fucking meat cracks me up.....
Oh how I miss her too.... so sad. :(
I need to go check mine.... hmmmmm.

The Daily Wit said...

Sorry about the adolescent teen girls. I was looking for my 14 year old daughter who ran away from home. Putting a picture on a milk cartoon just seemed so early 90s, so I thought I google for her.

Is this believable?

MtnMama said...


I can't have my blog Google-able - too paranoid about M's bio dad - and SheWhoMustNotBeNamed did nothing to ease my worries, btw.

But your post cracked me UP, and I even went back and read about the cat. Ugh... I am currently pet-less after having dogs for decades. I've had a few cats, but after one used my houseplants for a litter box constantly, I swore off them forever. (thank goodness it was my roommates' cat. much easier to boot) You never forget that stench.

Mr. Condescending said...

I was wondering how I found you. "Big tit milf" Hah

New England Girl said...

hahaha... I think you just convinced me that i need to start using google analytics. It seems like too much fun to pass up. :)

Samsmama said...

Underneath that sign, you'll see a Torino with no wheels. Inside that Torino is my cousin Jimmy. Just sayin'.

The Peach Tart said...

google analytics is the best foreplay ever. Most recent "peach on a penis" - somehow not sure how that happens but OK I'll give it a try

Kate said...

I never knew your blog had anything to do with MILFs or boobs. Hmmm.

I hate cats. They are the devil. Ship that bastard down to me and I will take care of him. (The shipping of the cat itself might do the trick.)

Organic Meatbag's googling habits scare me....and intrigue me at the same time. No one should ever do that with cookie dough. It's just wrong.

Elliott said...

I never knew I could add this to my blog, I'm excited to see what kind of depravity I actually attract.

Anonymous said...

i love you for the shout out, bev. you are the bestest EVAR! ahhh yes, my google search posts were the stuff of legend. i love how perverts and idiots and the like string together random words in an attempt to get to that perfect "lactating fuck" site.

(btw, my favorite in this list - while very hard to choose - has to be "old fay milfs giving head" because a well-placed typo makes me lol every time.)

since you mentioned me, (kinda... and because i still have some old search terms saved in a text file that is easily accessible) here are some for your reader's reading pleasure - you know, for old time's sake:

the not-so dirty--
fuck marriage baby
what do you do when you hate the in-laws
lactating mother how to manage in office
how do you draw a eaten sandwich
shitty mother in law
fuced by in-laws (india)

the dirty--
mommy fuck bound
the sun fuck the mooms
fuck moms very well
daddy suck my breast milk
lactating fuck milk

Frank Irwin said...

"what do you do when you hate the in-laws"

However did that lead someone to your blog, Anonymous????


Anonymous said...

gee, frank. no idea. ;)

Samsmama said...

I really like the comment from Anonymous. Matter of fact, I love it!

Bev said...

OM - Yikes! That brought you here? How odd. I haven't blogged about circus midgets in months! Hmmm....

Frank - LMAO! Thanks for clarifying, and for coming clean.

Courtney - Check and report, lady!

TDW - A likely story.

MtnMama - Cat piss is probably the smell that I would most quickly equate with Hell. I can't stand it. I even hate those evergreen trees that SMELL like cat pee.

Mr C - Ah, mystery solved! Glad to have you. You have come to the right place. ;)

NE Girl - Definitely! And report back with your findings, pls.

Samsmama - Have I told... you lately... that I wanttohumpyourleg? You complete me.

TPT - Peach on a penis! Awesome. Sounds delish.

Kate - Not the observant type, clearly. HA! Oh, and when you get a strange wiggling box (ith air holes in it, maybe) in the mail in a day or two, don't look at me.

Elliott - you mean, more depraved than me & Samsmama?! Reach for the stars, bro.

Anon/Straightforward Mama! FUCKING hilarious. I'm adding that to the post!! Miss you....

Mala said...

Fabulous post. LOVE Goggle search terms. And lets be happy that all roads of MILF leads to you!!!

I'm the #1 search result when you google "When sheep herders get bored" *sniff* I'm so proud!

onebadmamajama said...

The most interesting google hit I've had lately was "hell". Tells you how bad things have gotten LOL

I, too, miss shewhomustnotbenamed/straightforwardmomma. I'm glad she is still able to make it around to comment:)

OH and a word of warning...never google any kind of medical issues symptoms you may be having unless you have been diagnosed by a REAL dr. Google was mean to me and for about 2 weeks last year, I thought I had Lou Gehrig's disease. I didn't but it freaked me the fuck out!

Stacie's Madness said...

I usually do a google (search on myself) analytics on my blog, but haven't in a while...

Orgie...damn dude. Calm down sparky.

I miss "Miss Anon" too...*shakes fist at sky screaming whhhhyyyy*
It's not fair. LIFE'S NOT FAIR.

Apparently, my g-d damn pmsing is making me overly dramatic. go figure.

Bev said...

Mala - you are a rockstar! Why, just yesterday I was hungry for more info on sheep herders, and BAM - Mixed Nuts had it goin' on. WTG!!

OBMJ - Step AWAY from Dr. Google! I love Google, but I'll never google medical conditions again either! I had a terrible experience with just that type of thing... lesson learned!

Stacie - it took me a few minutes to realize that you were talking to Organic Meatbag when you said "Orgie!" I was like, "when did I type "orgy?" Ha! Only b/c earlier today, I was drafting a future post in which I actually needed to google image search "orgy." Coincidences abound!

Cary said...

Hilarious! I love these Google search results posts. You sure get a lot of MILF stuff, but then, that's no surprise.

I get a lot of "hot tub" queries and these two all-time favorites:

"woman average pubic hair count"

"Gerald Ford dead today and I'm gay"