Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I come by it honestly!

Some of you who know me personally or who have been reading my blog for awhile now know that I'm kind of a perv. I'm not a sicko or anything, I just like dirty jokes and I like goofing around about the sexy times. I'm okay with it. Not only am I okay with it, but I revel in my perviness. I love a good bawdy joke and am always quick with a nasty quip or an off-color zinger. It's all part of what makes me, well, me.

I do draw the line at potty humor. I don't like poo, I don't like thinking about poo, and I don't like talking about poo.

That's all I have to say about that.

Anypoo, er, anyWHO, I was thinking about how and why I came to be such a dirty girl, and I am pretty sure I was just born that way. However, as with everything else in my life, I can also pinpoint certain elements from pop culture that influenced me from a very young age. I'm not pointing any fingers, but here are three memories off the top of my head that helped shape me into the handmaiden of smut that I am today.

My dad's Playboys.

There were at least two of these glossy bits of confection stuffed between his mattress and box spring, and there was one in his underwear drawer. How did I find them? I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure my older sister probably showed them to me. Kids are terrible snoops, and I remember shamelessly pawing through my parents' bedside table drawers (condoms: check; unlocked, loaded handgun: check; Bible: check), sniffing out the Christmas presents before the big day, and of course, reading my sister's diary whenever I could get my mitts on it.

I used to look through the Playboys pretty regularly as a kid. I particularly liked the cartoons of leggy ladies in various stages of undress doing naughty things and making snappy remarks. Oh, and I loved how the centerfolds had their own handwritten "likes and dislikes" section; their handwriting was always big and loopy, with their "i's" dotted with fat little hearts.

Quite frankly, I liked looking at the naked ladies, pure and simple. I've been steadfastly heterosexual for my entire existence, and haven't wavered in my desire for men, but that doesn't mean it's not cool to look at pretty naked women with hot bods, am I right?

The one I remember most had Bernadette Peters on the cover. Since it came out in 1981, I was either 6 years old (yikes!) or, more likely, my dad just had had it for a few years before I discovered it. There were two photo spreads in his collection that I can still remember very vividly: the half-naked cowgirl shoot and the one with all the tattooed people getting it on in a typically-Playboy-clean sort of way. I've gotta say, as far as dirty magazines go, I still think of Playboy as being the classiest of the bunch. Go, Dad.

The VHS movie collection.

When VCRs came out and it became clear that VHS was going to win over Beta, despite the fact that Beta was the better product of the two, Dad bought two decks. We then proceeded to rent (and illegally dub) several movies per week over the next, oh, I dunno, decade? By the time we were finished, we probably had well over 500 movies on tape.

My sister and I had a mental catalogue in our heads of every movie in our collection which contained nudity or sex scenes. We were the Ms. Skins of our VHS library. Consequently, the minute the parents left us alone, we'd be cuing up the shower scene in Stripes or the part in a Charles Bronson movie where there is a 5 second flash of male frontal nudity.

Our favorite scene came from the most unlikely of sources. There was a movie about Supreme Court Justices called First Monday In October, starring Walter Matthau. In that movie, there was a film within a film called... wait for it... "The Naked Nymphomaniac." The clip was about a minute long, and didn't even show actual fucking, but it was AWESOME. I'm fairly certain that we wore that part of the tape out.

The satellite dish.

We lived in the sticks, so we couldn't get good TV off-air, and we certainly didn't have cable. When I was about 13, we got a satellite dish. Before we'd had it a week, I discovered the scrambled porn channels waaaaay up high on T4 or some crazy satellite where no one in my family ever went. It's amazing the things you can pick up even though the video is scrambled; also, the audio usually comes through loud and clear.

A year or two later, my dad brought home a descrambler box (shhh), and OH BOY, did my world open up. You see, gentle readers, there's this channel called The Spice Channel, and it might even still exist, IDK. Oh, how I loved TSC. It was good pron (not a typo - I get enough freaky hits from Google searches on this blog, thankyouverymuch), not disgusting pron. It was clean(ish) pron. It was just good clean sex and nothing too out there. It was awesome. I watched it a lot, and I'd have sleep-overs and we'd all watch it, too. My house was pretty popular for a while, believe me.

So, there you have it. Three reasons why I'm a delightful perv. You may all point and laugh, but don't judge. I'm a product of my white bread, church-going, quaint Vermont village-bred environment... and all the raunchy media on which I could get my hands from the time I was a small child on.

31 comments:

Cary said...

You are writing about my childhood. Playboy... VHS... scrambled porn channels (you could at least hear what was going on). I remember the Bernadette Peters Playboy (she didn't show anything, as I recall) and recently saw scans of some of my favorite old centerfolds and laughed at all the crazy pubic pelts. Muff for days! All the boobs were real, too -- so much better.

Courtney said...

Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!

What's not sexy about naked Cowgirls?

Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!Poop!

Samsmama said...

Hold up! Is that Bronson movie "10 to Midnight"? That movie scared the ever loving hell out of me for some reason.

I love your preverted ass!

Kari said...

Shut up! I swear the scrambled Spice Channel brought me through puberty. I think that's why even to this day I would rather listen to pron than actually watch it.

Did I just overshare? Damn.

Mala said...

Well, well, well, look who shows up when you mention pron.

No cable, no satelite... did we get mail?? I don't know. I guess I had a sheltered childhood. So there goes that theory..

Kate said...

Have I mentioned Isaac's diapers lately? Oh wait, sorry, poo is banned.

It's good to know that your roots are in porn--it gives you a good foundation on which to raise your kids.

I do remember watching 9 1/2 weeks at a young age. Young Mickey Rourke...mmmmmmmm......

Kristen said...

I didn't grow up with any of that shit {except a bible}...so why am I a perv? I always thought it was catholic school.

calicobebop said...

Gotta love the Playboy stash and descrambled Skin-a-max. I'm still a sucker for both! :)

Bev said...

Cary - LMAO @ "oublic pelts!" So true... those were so much simpler times. And no, Bernadette did not give up the goods! Even as I child I was vaguely let down by that fact.

Courtney - ha ha. Hey, I'm a mom, I get my share of poop. It's not like I'm phobic about it, I just don't care for it. Or do it myself. ;-)

Also, I LOVED the naked cowgirl pictorial, obviously! I still remember it 30 years later, so clearly it made a lasting impression!

Samsmama - OMG! I can't believe you got the movie! You SO rule. You... complete... me. *sigh*

Kari - there is NO such thing as oversharing here at Bev's blog. You just pull up a chair and tell me aaaalll about it, sistah-friend. Hmmm, you know, your comment was kind of a "lightbulb moment for me." Maybe that's why I like dirty talk so much? WOW! I'm firing my shrink! (if I had one)

Mala - you were just blessed with a naturally dirty mind! Also, watching all those animals doing it out in the country might've inspired you. Of course, seeing real human male sex parts must've been quite the disappointment, in that case. Ahem.

Kate - Oh, my kids are already obsessed with boobs, so don't you worry. And isn't it a shame what Mickey Rourke did to his face? He was once so dreaaaaamy....

Kristen - again, it must be natural! Be proud, woman! Oh, and nuns are sexy... or so Cary told me.

Calico - Totally! So am I. I even thought of getting "my husband" a subscription. He says he doesn't need one, but... well, I like it. BAD!

PorkStar said...

hahahaha, awesome! we should have known each other way earlier in life too, im sure.

So gald to have you as part of the club, you fit right in with the rest of us...

Long live perv-dom!

Mr. Condescending said...

The first porno mag I saw was tossed in the road while I was walking to school and it was called "kinky perversions". A lot of weird sh*t in there!

And a lot of hairy bushes.

Samsmama said...

I was going to comment on the quote from Hef, but then I just noticed that bats hanging in your belfry. That's what I love about stopping by your place, there's always something new going on!

onebadmamajama said...

My dad had a collection of pron Westerns! LOL I wonder if he ever noticed all the naughty parts were dogeared? He kept them right next to the biggest bottle of Wild Turkey I have ever seen, under his bed LOL

Jillinator said...

wow - except the VHS part that could be my life story too! Dad had the mags under his mattress (not playboy though... much dirtier... wonder if THAT's why I'm a superfreak?) and I loved trying to catch peeps of body parts I could decipher on the scrambled channels.
Oh, and word verf: purep funny because today's word verf should be anything but something with "pure" in it!

Jillinator said...

okay, as soon as I hit send a new word verf came up... toakin - waaay more fun than pure ;)

Mary said...

oh lord- that was funny!
Especially the scrambled pron and the spice channel?
My parents never wondered why my brothers and friends slept in the basement- always- after we got our 'descrambler'?
come on!

oh- poop.

Kate said...

LMAO Bev..must be a New England childhood thing. My Dad had Hustler, an unloaded gun, and condoms all of which I have vivid memory of my brother showing me. I also remember my Dad had a b-day card that he kept in his drawer that my brother also read to me and it referenced them having sex a lot and my mom wrote some comment about how "true that is". Ugh..something I do not want to envison on a Wed morning. I can still picture that card. We kept our Bible in the our downstairs bookshelf.

Oh and that descrambler...we had a cable box so we used an index card to try to get HBO and cinemax but once again I have very vivid memories of my brother putting on porn and us watching it..who would think an index card could do that?

Thanks for the laugh on a Wed morning. And who isn't a perv?

I love your blog..

Bev said...

PorkStar - My mom likes to say, "Water seeks its own level." Heh heh. So true.

Mr. C - Kinky Perversions? Jeeeeez, that's a rough introduction! Maybe some time I'll tell you about the time in Montreal when my teenage friends and I bought a nude male magazine and realized later it was for gay dudes.... Oh, wait. I guess I just DID tell you.

Samsmama - Yep! I am never satisfied. Out of Bev's Head is an ever-changing mecca of good times. Make a note of it. ;)

OBMJ - Wild Turkey and naughty cowgirl smut? Now THAT is a good time! WOOT!

Jill - Ooh, the truly dirty mags? I didn't see those until I was in my teens, for sure. I remember looking at some of those extreme close-ups and thinking, "It looks like a sunset...."

Mary - Yeah, sure... your BROTHERS slept in the basement... heh. Those pervs. ;)


Kate - Thanks! How funny! Maybe it is a NE requirement to have loaded guns, condoms, and male-curiosity lying around for your kids to find? Woohoo, NE rocks!

Cary said...

I remembered something this morning. When I was a pre-teen I sent off for a FREE PAMPHLET ABOUT SEX from an ad in the back of one of my sister's magazines (Teen Beat or something of that ilk). When it finally arrived about 36 weeks later, it was just a two or three-page explanation of the menstrual cycle, which I already knew about. I was so pissed.

jennybean79 said...

I love it! As a kid, my best friend Sarah and I would sneak into my dad's Playboys too. I remember the Latoya Jackson one best. We would also divy through my parents drawers, one day we came across an ancient box of condoms in my dad's sock drawer. We stole one out hoping my dad wouldn't notice (he had an uncanny ability to notice when something was even slightly moved) and we took the little prize out back behind my house out of sight of any parent's prying eyes. Anyway, we opened it up, giggled at it for a bit but when it came time to get rid of it, neither of us knew what to do. We did what any 8 year old girls would do in the end, we hid it in a bird house that Sarah's dad had nailed high up on a Pear Trees gnarled brances. Ha ha ha, I truly hope there were no birds inhabitating that box!

Courtney said...

LOL @ Cary - 36 weeks later

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

You don't like poop...and yet you read my blog.

You're a walking paradox.

Brooklyn ML said...

Oh my, true confessions...My grandfather totally had a Playboy collection that I would read whenever we visited. I liked the cartoons, and to be honest, still get a little hot & bothered by cartoon sex, like in comic books and animations. Weird. And later I found he also had a collection of erotic books with big-titted witches doing naughty things to stranded pilots on far away planets.
And then another time, a girlfriend and I raided her parents' porn collection. A few memories...Giant dongs getting ridden by "Girl Scouts," some lady trying to stuff her mate's entire package (twig AND berries) into her entire package...Should I continue?

Samsmama said...

Brooklyn, yes please!

MtnMama said...

Hey, Girlfriend! Spending the morning catching up – and what an auspicious post to end with!

Yeah, we found my dad’s Playboys – in his file cabinet! I’m sure that was due to my mother not wanting anything so “dirty” in her bedroom. This was the 60s, so I laughed at Cary’s description; it WAS pretty clean stuff and the boobs were all real. And I did like the cartoons and I did read the articles. Interesting stuff.

When I was in junior high, Playgirl launched, and of all my little girlfriends, I was the one who was brave enough to take one off the rack at the Woolworth’s (or some drugstore like that) and bring it over so we could giggle and peek. I remember distinctly being disappointed that the twigs were all soft.

My husband liked the raunchier stuff like Hustler and such. Too clinical for me... it seemed like a gyno visit or a biology class rather than a turn on. Also? The pron flicks he wanted to watch were so badly done that it was distracting! For years I wished they didn’t make me laugh (at them, not with them) and I still can’t hear the awful music without remembering him!

Oh, and in the first year or so of Cable, I had roommates that watched Spice Channel and a channel that was supposed to be “exercise” that I believe one of our roomies (all male) wanked off to. In the livingroom. eeeeeewwwww.
aaaahhhhh, memories!

Elliott said...

How the hell did I miss this???? Yes, Playboys are the norm. On Mjenks TMI Thursday, I declared that it must be law. My dad had a whole drawer full, and after my grandfather passed away, I remember my dad collecting all the mags and selling them for .25 a pop at our rummage sales. That meant that between rummages, the box was carelessly stored with the rest of the unwanted junk in our basement, readily accessible.

Bev said...

Cary - LMAO @ "36 weeks later." I once wrote to Seventeen magazine with my tale of teen angst ("my mother doesn't understaaaaaaand me!") and was equally disappointed by their response, which consisted of photocopied articles from their magazine about getting along with your parents. Assholes.

Jenny - disposing of the curiosity products was always the worst part! I burned that gay porno magazine, and was terrified when bits and pieces of dick pics started fluttering around the back yard. Eek!!

mjenks - I'm a walking pair of -what? ;)

Mae - "GIANT DONGS!" LOVE IT!
More, please. :)


Mtn Mama - welcome back!! I missed you. Ugh, Hustler et al? Yuck. I like my pron a little more wholesome. I'm such a nice girl. Heeeee!

Elliott - Grandpa's pron stash... a proud tradition, handed down through the generations! Gotta love that!

Cary said...

I never cared for Hustler and the like. I don't need to see the actual uterus to be turned on.

Oh, and for the record, I'd just like to add that there is nothing wrong with hairy muffs. I'll never get used to the bald look.

Elizabeth said...

I think everyone discovered dad's Playboys somewhere! Ours were in a crawl-space and were from the mid-1950s. More current ones in the underwear drawer!

Bev said...

Cary - Touche, my good man. Extreme close-ups scare me. They're a little too clinical, IMO. Also, long live hairy muffs!

Elizabeth - The underwear drawer was a popular spot, huh? I mean, why would your kids ever look there? Ha!! Poor dads... no privacy.

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