Friday, August 14, 2009

If you don't TELL them that you're nuts...

... HOW WILL THEY KNOW?!

It's Friday! Yay!

I only worked two days this week, so that rocked. My crazy cat lady coworker (AIR HORN!) worked her three days while I was out, so I didn't even have to see her ALL week. It was everything I hoped it could be, and more. As usual, she did a bunch of ridiculous tasks around the office to somehow try to prove her worth, then detailed them all on a note for me in her loopy, crazy-as-fuck, i's dotted with circles, dingy old lady script. If I had a scanner here at work, I'd totally scan it for you, but instead I'll just tell you what she said. Just make sure that you add the silent "because you didn't do it" to everything she says, since she is a passive-aggressive asshat. My comments are in italics.

Enjoy.

*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Bev,

1. I had to change your password encryption to xxxxxxxx.

Ok, that's reasonable, but how 'bout you just stay the fuck away from my desk and computer instead, biznatch?

2. Straightened up closet some. The deposit receipt books are in the box on the shelf in order of year. They probably can go to storage next time someone goes over.
Thanks, idiot. I guess you haven't noticed that we stopped using those over a year go because it's all online now. You keep at it, though! I know how you love to alphabetize, which is odd because you suck at filing.

3. The phones that were in my window are in a gray plastic bag in the closet.
Nicely done. It takes real skill to bag up some old phones that have been sitting next to your desk for 6 months. You go, girl. Oh, and thanks for making sure I knew what color the bag was. That's important.

4. I dusted the window sills etc and found 4 spiders in corner behind lamp - yikes!
Wait, how many spiders? Four? But I could have sworn I put 7 over there. Huh.

5. AMP stationery is in cabinet by my desk - 2nd shelf - just the loose stuff. It does NOT have "Advanced Advisor Group" printed on it.
That's where it has always been, but thanks for the reminder. Oh, and I'm sure our clients are really gonna wonder why that new line of text isn't on their envelopes under the name of the company. How ever will they know who it's from?!

6. Only 1 full box of envelopes left - see attached. (paper clipped to the note is an envelope, in case I forgot what they look like or something)
She seems to be forgetting that she's in charge of ordering stationery. It's actually one of the few things she can be trusted to do correctly. She can't even answer the phones without disconnecting people.

Hope you had a great few days off. See you Monday.
Signed,
Crazy Cat Lady Who Needs a Reason To Live So I Work Here Because My Boss Is Too Nice To Fire Me, Even Though He Clearly Wants To


*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hmmm, maybe you had to be there. Whatever, I laughed, and I thought you might, too.

Have a nice weekend, everyone!

22 comments:

Kate said...

As usual, I can totally relate to your work stories and I thoroughly enjoy them :) No matter where I work I always end up sitting next to the wacko jacko who feels the need to tell me their life. For example, Dawn, she finds the need to tell me day after day about her boyfriend, Lou who is a complete and utter asshole..who will not let her eat what she wants and makes her go to bed at a certain time. Although I do have to say, her stories are more interesting than the woman that used to me her wood whittling stories and what it was like to be president of a Wood Carving club.

Happy blogaversary..I love it!

tonya said...

that was great, wish i could tell a story like you, i cracked up thanks for the laughs, i have been getting the silent treatment all week long because i am "selfish and rude" as if!!! the bitch that sits 5 feet away seems to think that about me because i basically told her flat out that i had no interest in her problems, their like assholes everybody has them so what-ev ....thanks for the laughs!!

Kate said...

You are HYSTERICAL! I was cracking up at your comments, especially #4.

Cary said...

Bitch is probably so deaf she wouldn't even hear the air horn. She'd think you were spraying Renuzit at her.

Four spiders? I'll alert the media.

On the bright side, she'll probably die soon, so hang in there. She'll be one of these people they don't find for weeks until the stench of decomposition starts annoying the neighbors. They'll find her starving cats eating her eyeballs.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

We have a crazy cat lady here, too. Well, two of them in our group.

Wait a minute...

Both of them make me want to stab a fork in my eye when I'm around them.

I'm sensing a pattern here.

Samsmama said...

Cary paints such a lovely picture.

#2 made me laugh out loud, "You keep at it, though!" Way to encourage her.

Love the gray plastic bag. Not to be confused with the red plastic bag full of phones.

I'm glad she attached the envelope. I'm a sucker for visuals.

Why can't we know your password? I told you mine. Or is it really XXXXXXXX? That would be easy to remember. Genius, actually.

Have a great weekend!

Elliott said...

I would randomly move things around in the boxes she alpabetized, because I'm P.A. that way.

Thanks for reminding me that it could be worse.

Oh, and Smama...the RED bag is only for the hotline-to-the-Kremlin phones.

Courtney said...

I will totally trade the crazy cat lady for my CW!!!! I'm almost jealous of you right now....

Sad I know.
Have a great weekend.

Jillinator said...

okay, I'm cracking up picturing all of this. The funniest part was the attached envelope!

New England Girl said...

hahahaha.... I just laughed out loud at that and Mr. J goes, "why are you making fun of me!" [we were on the phone, so he couldn't see what I was doing], which only made me laugh even harder. You provided a double whammy of hilarity! I can only imagine you rolling your eyes at all of these useless, unimportant and downright ridiculous little notes. I don't know if I could work with someone like that. :) Glad you got a week off from her! :)

Harmony said...

You should leave her a note of all the things she didn't do, starting with those damn envelopes. I'm positive her old aging eyes allowed her to miss a few spots while dusting.

Great post I loved your comments!

Kristen said...

Wow. I feel so much safer knowing that she is on this Earth.

And I so loved your spider comment.

Samsmama said...

HOLD UP! I just now noticed the t-shirt on the sidebar. EXCELLENT!!!

MtnMama said...

As ever, kiddo, I loved this post. Gee, I don't miss MY job at all, I wonder why?
The fact that she felt it important to not only catalogue her deeds, but illustrate them in such lurid detail (FOUR spiders, attached envelope sample) is just so perfect.
She reminds me of my mother, except my mother would never have a cat - too messy.

Mr. Condescending said...

The spiders were the best! Haha happy weekend!

Stuart said...

Yeah, but did you tell her that you're now using a new cover letter on the TPS Reports?

DID YOU?!

Sorry. OCD there. I'll get you some fresh coffee and a croissant with raisins.

Mala said...

Fabulous!!! Just fabulous.

She didn't find the venomous snake? Odd?

Have a wonderful weekend!

Bev said...

Kate - Yes! I miss your woodworking work buddy. I need to hear about your new coworkers!

Tonya - You're welcome, and thanks for reading! I think we can all relate to sucky coworkers, fo' sho'!

Kate - Thanks, girly!

Cary - IDK why, but your comment made me die laughing! I had tears. Just struck me funny! I think it was the Renuzit.

mjenks - Yep, that's a common feeling when confronted by crazy cat people. Wouldn't it be nice if we could get them all working at the same place, thereby leaving us alone? Oh wait, I think that place is called Walmart.

Samsmama - you got me! All of my passwords are xxxxxxxx. I have no short-term memory thanks to that boating accident a few years back.

Elliott - Oh, I definitely move shit on her! I also take a sort of bizarre pride in the fact that she doesn't know how to attach a doc to an email.

Courtney - Let's have a naked Jell-O fight between your CW and my CCL, k?

Jill - Yes! THe envelope was the kicker, for sure.

NE Girl - Glad I made you laugh!! Go ahead, laugh at my pain! It's my gift to the blog world.

Harmony - thx!! Yeah, I should do a passive-aggressive note of my own, you're right! Will get on that.

Kristen - Ha!! Seriously, counting dead spiders? And she gets paid for that shit? Eek.

Samsmama - Oh, I'm totally making those!! I'll email you. You're the first person to notice them, so you win. :)

Mtn Mama - Sadly, she reminds me of my mother, too. Working with my mother - how could that possibly go badly? Oh yeah....

Mr. C - thanks! You have a great one, too!

Stewart - YES! She's all about the TPS reports. Also, I'd like my croissant without raisins, please. Thank you.

Mala - You know I'm thisclose to killing the old bird myself. Venomous snake, you say? Not a bad idea....

Reality Therapist said...

Stumbled upon your blog. This is f-ing hilarious. Laughed several times. Good stuff.

mo.stoneskin said...

"closet some"

Now that is a poor list item!

Bev said...

RE: Welcome, and thank you! Hope you'll stop by again.

Mo - Yes, she has a knack for using expressions like that one, and it used to drive me crazy before I stopped listening to her.

My "favorite" was always: "So I says, _____." SAYS? Ugh.

laurieliz said...

So funny, Bev! I swear I had the same woman working with me. She was 60 something, never married, and the biggest and hairiest Greek woman that looked like she dyed her BRIGHT RED hair with fruit punch Koolaid! She would only let you take 1 pen from office supplies (her one power over all of us) and write down the date and literally say, "You could not have used all the ink in the LAST pen by now" if you DARED ask for a new one. She tried to make me use old scratched up and cut up binders with Bank of America printed on them or NY Life (not our company). Dude, Im in sales. I have to look at least a LITTLE professional! However, her extreme frugality did not extend to the 47 calls she made to her mother and sister every freaking day! " Do yous guys want to go to the 99 or Applebees? Well, you have to make a decision by this thuuuurrsday or we wont be able to get in!" Ummm...since when do you need to make a reservation for Applebees?!?

I vote you write back a sickeningly sweet and condescending note right back!!!!!!!! She prolly wouldn't get it but would be so fun to write!