Thursday, August 27, 2009

Quick Story & a Game

Last night I was sitting on the couch around 11:30, sleepily flipping channels. Jim was sitting over at his computer when I noticed him checking me out in that way. I ignored him.

A minute later, he gives me one of his classic, oh-so-smooth & charming pick-up lines, "So, uh... ya wanna fool around?"

So romantic.

I looked at him like he'd sprouted a second head. The look on my face must have said it all - I was wearing elastic-waist shorts and a baggy, faded t-shirt, my hair was in a messy knot on top of my head, bangs held back by the glamorous and tres chic bobby pin, glasses on, and I was presently chewing on a handful of Tums (shut up). Sex KITTEN, that's me!

I just don't "get" men sometimes.


Ok, let's play a little game of "Bang, Marry, or Smack." This is a variation on the Howard Stern "Fuck, Marry, Kill," game, but just slightly nicer because, well, I'm slightly nicer than Howard. I think.

Here are your choices, and the rules are simple - of these three celebs, who would you bang, who would you marry, and who would you smack upside de heyd?

For the Men: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Mariah Carey and Kate Winslet. Go!

For the ladies: Bill Murray, Russell Crow, and Christian Bale. Go!

Don't forget to tell me why, and feel free to do the same gender options if you're so inclined. The OOBH is a judgement-free zone. :)


Courtney said...

Muff - come on and give up the goods... you know you were looking sexy as all get out.... you aren't fooling us....
I always ask the man if he wants to hump and he tells me that I'm the most romantic person he has ever met... LOL

I'm going to play your game....
Women first:
Bang: Kate
Marry: Julia
Smack: Mariah

Bang: Russell
Marry: Russell
Fuck: Russell

Elliott said...

Nothin' says sexy like GERD, baby. I got yer little purple pill right here. Well, it's not a pill, per se, but...


If Mariah would pay homage the patron saint of ninjas (St. Fu) during coitus, she'd be bangable. Otherwise:

Bang: Julia
Smack: Mariah
Marry: Kate

MtnMama said...

Bang, Bang, Smack.

Anonymous said...

men have balls that need to be emptied on a regular basis. at least, that's what i am told.

ooh, i love games!

women: shit, i'd bang all of them. except for mariah. she's looney! but for seriously...
bang-- kate. she's fucking hawt in that picture.
marry-- julia. i'm a sucker for a funny woman.
smack-- mariah because the bitch is crazy.

bang-- bill. i'm a sucker for a funny guy.
marry-- russell. because he has lots of money.
fuck-- christian. because it would be really intense! you know, because there is always the chance that he will throw on some Huey and chop me into pieces.

Anonymous said...

i didn't play by the rules, did i? courtney's wording got me all confused because she wants to do all those things to russell... i think you get what i'm saying though. right? ugh.

MtnMama said...

I couldn't even be in the same room with Mariah or Christian. Kate I'd probably follow around like a stalker, Julia I'd want to have drinks with and talk. Russell is too violent (so I've heard) but yummy nonetheless, Bill is my kind of wacky, but I've sworn off marrying.

oh! word verif: irepel
is that what you were trying to say about last night? ;)

Samsmama said...

So, uh...did ya?

My husband speaks the same language of love. Only less subtle. He ended our phone conversation last night by saying, "Fuck ya later." Hot.

Games, YAY!

Bang: Kate
Smack: Mariah
Marry: Julia

Julia would keep me entertained for life, and I'd love to go out dancing with her. Mariah is surely carrying disease.

As for the men, you threw me off when you added Bill Murray to the mix. I think he's funny, so I don't want to smack him. But I don't want to marry him, nor do I want to bang him.

And I get this weird feeling that Courtney likes Russell Crow, but I'm not sure.

Organic Meatbag said...


Bang- Kate (until my penis simply fell off)
Marry: Julia
Smack: Mariah

Frank Irwin said...

My first thought was to smack Mariah, but I'd rather bang her than Kate, so I'd have to smack Kate, instead. No offense intended, Ms. W!

I'd marry Julia, then, because she seems more normal, and is hella funny (even though I'm not a big "Seinfeld" fan).

Stacie's Madness said...

hmmm, I'd bang 'em all and smack 'em all around....

cause, I sure as hell ain't marrying any of 'em.

calicobebop said...

Aww, geez. It's way easier to do the girls than the boys!

Bang - Julia (funny = fun)
Marry - Kate (classy)
Smack - Mariah (just cause)

As for the menfolks...

Bang - Russell (YowZA!!)
Marry - Bill (funny = sexy)
Smack - Christian (cause he seems like kind of an ass sometimes)

There we are!!

Bev said...

Courtney - LOL! I lady never tells... and neither do I. ;-)

Elliott - LOVE that quote. Stealing it for my header - thanks!

MtnMama - chitty chitty bang bang?

Anon - that's why God invented masturbation.

Oh, and I love your choices! Banging and fucking are kind of different... I guess. HA!!!

MtnMama - best word verif! I totally repel. And your reasoning is perfection, btw.

Samsmama - "fuck you later?" LOVE that. Stealing it, thx! Your lady selections are the same as mine, btw.

OM - Heee! Sorry 'bout your penis falling off. I'm sure that won't be off-putting for Kate. At all.

Frank - REALLY? You'd rather bang Mariah than Kate? Wow, you really DO like boobs, don't you?

Mariah seems like a high-maintenance fuck, but that's just my opinion, man.

Stacie - likes it rough. Duly noted. :D

Calico - totally! Those are my choices, too. I have a tremendous crush on Bill Murray and have ever since I was a wee lassie. I've heard he's kind of a dink to women, but... meh. I think I can handle him. (AND HOW!)

Frank Irwin said...

What can I say? I do have a thing for the fun bags.

word verf: cremeall (how apropos)

Stacie's Madness said...

"he's a dink to woman"

muahahah, maybe he has a little "dink", I'll just smack him around still.

Courtney said...

HOLY FUCK Samsmama - Have you not seen 3:10 to Yuma? Holy fuck me, Russell Crowe is some kind of hot in that movie.... And the horse he rides in that movie... WOW!!!! Can't decide what I like more, the horse or him....

um, OK that didn't come out right...

Bev said...

Frank - slap that on a t-shirt!

Stacie - you're a tough cookie, sistah-friend.

HA HA - Courtney just admitted that she's turned on by a horse.

Courtney said...


Samsmama said...

LMAO @ Courtney! You can love your horse, just don't love your horse.

Kristen said...

Girl. You are always hot. And isn't it sweet he still wants to have sex with you. Or was there nothing on TV?

Come on now. Two of your three are known for smacking the shit out of peeps...ironically they are the ones I would screw.

Bang- Russell Crow {He's almost a has been. So not gonna marry him}
Marry- Christian Bale {Ehh. Why not}
Smack the shit out of- Bill Murray {Hell NO!}

Fun game. Gimme more!

Courtney said...

Yeah EXACTLY Samsmama...... way to hit publish comment before actually reading it...

Bev said...

Anyone ever see Equus? You know, the play in which Harry Potter got naked whilst seducing a horse?

Just wondering....

Oh, and Kristen - it was definitely "nothing good one TV," not my magnificent beauty that drew him in.

Also, I believe that, in retrospect, 3 out of 3 of my male contestants were once accused of smacking a woman. OOPS! Time to fire that research intern here at my blog!

onebadmamajama said...

Well, Bev, I say take it anyway you can get it! LOL

Let's see:

Bill Murray: smack..cause word is he's a real asshole

Russell Crowe: Bang..just cause I don't want to smack him (he might smack back LOL) or marry him (cause he's not as all that as he thinks LOL)

Christian Bale: Bang..just cause I don't really want to marry him either LOL But, I bet he'd be fun to bang:)

Mala said...

See, that's why I don't make direct eye contact with Joe! ever.

OK... for girls, not that I swing that way..NTTAWWT
Marry - Kate (she's down to Earth)
Bang - Julia
Smack - that skank whore Mariah... coz she's a skank whore.

and WHAT??? No Ralph Fiennes?? DAMN!!!!!!!! well then...
Bang - Christian Bale (but I'd shave his head first a la Terminator)
ehhhh, Bill and what's his face are neck to neck for the other 2 catagories, cause, well, I just don't care.
Now give me some Ralph Fiennes to do all of the above with!

Stuart said...

Mariah - Smack

Julia - Bang, Marry, Smack, Bang

Kate - Bang, Marry, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang ...

Of course, none of these will ever happen, because JWKMIIEETAI.

Samsmama said...

Jodi would kill me if I ever even thought about it?

If I'm right, I deserve some sort of award.

*Gotta love subscribing to follow up comments!

Samsmama said...

And all day long I've been meaning to give Elliott props for his GERD comment. Nicely done!

Stuart said...

Jayzus, SM ... you're good. I mean like spooky good, like that guy at the fair who guesses your weight when you stand on that platform.

That kinda good.

Bev said...

OBMJ - Bill Murray, an asshole? NO!!!!! That cannot be. I refuse to believe it! (putting fingers in ears and saying 'blah blah blah blah')

Mala - Re: the no direct eye contact thing - I think you're on to something there!

No Ralph this time... maybe next week. :)

Stuart - as usual, your comment cracked me up (I feel the same way about Kate W, btw) and perplexed me....

THANK goodness Samsmama was here to clear things up. That is AMAZING acronym-interpretation, lady. Srsly, YBMMWYSL!

Elliott said...

Thanks, Smama...and thanks for interpreting Stuart's acronym, it was making my brain hurt. Of course, now I have Bev's to figure out. All I'm getting is "you burn my mouth with your smokin' legs", but that doesn't quite make sense.

Samsmama said...

I'm just guessing, and I might be wrong, but I'm going with, "You blow my mind with your skills, lady."

Stacie's Madness said...

You blow somethin.

Samsmama said...

The big limb, Stacie. I blow the big limb.

Stacie's Madness said...


Bev said...

Holy shit! Now that's just CREEPY. Smama - I bow down to you, woman. All hail The Queen of the Acronym!

Webster World said...

Bang:Mariah Smack:Julia Marry:Kate

laurieliz said...

I like Bill Murray too but since he's fug I neither wanna bang nor marry him. Therefore, I can not play your game. I could say bang Christian (he is hot- even tho a total prick)maybe smack that drunken, hot mess Russell (sorry Courtney...he's ALL yours:), and Ill marry someone else entirely. I can think of a few;)!