Saturday, August 1, 2009


As I say the word "romance," feel free to picture me with my head cocked to one side, like a dog listening to a high-pitched sound coming out of a squeaky toy.

If you were sitting here with me right now, I'd throw a Seinfeld quote your way just because that is the way in which my media-sodden brain works. I picture what Elaine looks like when she is tilting her head and curling her lip and saying, "Grace?"

Of course, if you were sitting here with me right now at my dining room table, I'd probably have to go put on some pants, so it might be better that you are there and I am here.

My point, and I do have one, is that I miss romance too, sometimes. This morning I read an excellent post from the always entertaining and oftentimes seductive Mr. Condescending. Seriously, go look at his blog and try not to get a little turned-on by all of those artsy pictures of sexy people doing sexy things. But, go read it later, ok? I'm not finished with you yet.

Mr. C asked his readers to share their most romantic memory, and I started racking my brain because it has been a while since I've had anything truly romantic happen in my life. I'm not talking about sex, because heck, I am married and I do think sex ("Coitus. The physical act of love.") is indeed a "zesty enterprise." I'm not even talking about lust, an emotion with which I am also intimately familiar (but don't tell my husband). Ha ha.

I'm talking about romance. I'm talking about bodice-ripping, breath-taking, starry-eyed, endorphin-producing romance.

Obviously, I love my husband and would lay down my life to save him from an oncoming bus if need be, but over the course of our long relationship our feelings have morphed and shifted into something much different, and much deeper, than the romantic lovey-dovey shmoopy phase. We've been in a committed, monogamous relationship for almost 13 years, married for just shy of 8 of those. In that time we've partied heartily together, moved together, linked ourselves financially numerous times, survived cancer together, survived the deaths of loved ones, survived two pregnancies and births together, and somehow, somehow... we are surviving raising our children together.

It's hard to feel romantic when you're sleeping in shifts and every restaurant visit wraps up with that moment when you have to get the check RIGHT EFFING NOW or risk an embarrassing toddler melt-down. It's hard to be romantic when your day to day conversations are about work, kids, and the "business" part of your lives instead of the fun stuff.

We love each other. We are affectionate to each other. We get each other and never really fight. However, it would be nice to be swept off my feet once in a while, and I'm sure he feels the same way. In fact, I made him read this post earlier today, before I put it up (for the first time - yes, I chickened out and deleted it once already), and he agreed that I spoke the truth, but then declared that he obviously needs to step up his game a bit. Heh.

I have hope that someday, when our children don't need us quite so much and we're able to have a conversation without being interrupted twenty times by a child asking us where his light saber is, we will get some kind of second-wind in the romance department. Eventually, when the little attention-vacuums leave the nest, you rekindle the spark and have some sort of second honeymoon phase. Right?

I'm choosing to believe that that is exactly the case. Until then, we are partners in poopy diapers, comrades in crappy kid attitudes, and soldiers in the war against insanity that rages in our household every day.


Organic Meatbag said...

Very poignant and well-written, Bev... it is all truly a journey...

Heidi Renée said...

I miss romance, too. We've only been married three years... and no kids. *sigh* Where does it go?

onebadmamajama said...

That was very well written, Bev. I certainly hope you get to the second honeymoon phase. Cause I really believe there is one:) Try to remember that you guys really are very lucky and very blessed. How many people can say they have fought the fight and done the work to stay together for 13 years?! Not many...myself included. You must remember that love is worth the work...which is kind of a romantic notion itself, dontcha think?

Teresa said...

There is hope...I have been with my hubby for 15 years and married for 10 of those.

The romance now is different, more special, deeper, but once in a while when one of us has been on a trip for a week or more and we talk on the phone, we flirt, we miss each other and the romance is a bit more noticable. It flits in and out rather quickly, but it is still there.

And the real true deep love is so much more...

If you want some romance to flit in, I suggest you try calling hubby and flirting or something along those really does help.

I really love your blog, keep up hte good work!

Samsmama said...

We're about 6 weeks shy of being together two years and I'm struggling to think of a single romantic thing. It's not really how we roll. But we are ridiculously affectionate and I need that very much. It's all the little things that he does, that's what does it for me. During a recent discussion about adultery he said he couldn't find anybody better. Completely out of nowhere at a restaurant he looked at me and told me I'm adorable. Those kind of things. He completes me.


Samsmama said...

Oh, and thank you for mentioning that this post was up once already. For hours I thought I was hallucinating.

Samsmama said...

Last thing, promise.

LOVE the Shery Crow lyric! :)

Mr. Condescending said...

Very nice to see you post this :)

I do hope you find some hot romance spark up in the near future. I get jealous of seeing long time lovers doing lovey things, so get to it!

Thanks for the shout out a ton ;)

calicobebop said...

I hope the second honeymoon phase comes quickly for you too. Romance is a lost art - too much of our time is devoted to other people in our lives! Sometimes one just needs to step back and remember to smell the roses. :)

Kristen said...

Romance... Right now I just want some good ol' passion. *sigh* It would be even better if I wasn't by myself.

Mary said...

such a good post- well written and...true.
And yep the day will come when no one needs to find their light saber and just remember this moment- and be happy :)

Elliott said...

I'm not romantic. Really, just ask Lori. However, romance is the little things that you share DESPITE the 400-odd things going on in your lives. And it is difficult when there are those 400-odd things, and you get caught up in the trappings of life.

Somehow, all that comes to mind is Homer talking about a little cartoon called 'Love Is....' It's about two naked five-year-olds who are married.

Oh, and my word verf is 'ovelevol', two bastardizations of the word love. Should I be worried?

Bev said...

OM - Thanks, buddy! Yes, it is a journey. "Fasten your seatbelts... it's gonna be a bumpy night!"

Heidi Renee - Interesting! I always blame my kids, but maybe it's just the passing of time. Where DOES it go?

OBMJ - Thx, my friend. I am extremely grateful for my life & the love therein. You're right, it is worth working for.

Teresa - thanks for the comment! I agree 100%, and will definitely get my flirt on and see what comes of it. ;-)

Smama - Awwwww! He's a sweetheart, and you two are adorable together. <3

Oh, and that's one of my fave Sheryl Crow songs, too!

Mr. C - you're welcome! Love your blog, and not just for that one particular picture of the man pinning the woman's arms over her head.... Wooo, baby... is it hot in here?

Calico - yes! Very well-said.

Kristen - Hey, self-love is important, too! Just make sure to buy yourself some flowers afterward! Ha ha.... Also, I hope you get some good romance soon, too. You're a lovely smart lady and any man would be lucky to have you!

Mary - So true. I love reading your blog because it reminds me of how fleeting this child-rearing phase is, and you give me some big mom shoes to fill, too. I admire your well-adjusted and gorgeous teenagers SO MUCH!

Elliott - Ok, laugh of the morning goes to YOU! Love that Simpsons reference. LOVE. IT.

Scope said...

I'm in the very early stages of my relationship, so it is all filled with romance (le sigh).

But for me, the most romantic moment was when, atop the Seattle Spaces needle, in the swank, rotating restaraunt, it leaned across the table, looked her square in the eyes, and said, "I love you." for the first time.

So, we is my word ver "disesse"?

laurieliz said...

I got your romance right here!'s my 2 cents....

Often with diapers and tantrums we are not in the mood to put forth the effort needed to make romance happen. We prioritize our lives and it comes way down on the list. Look, I am 34, married 8 yrs- together 10, I have the man, the kid, the gram to take care of, oh ya, and I own a business. I have had my share of letting romance fall by the wayside. I have realized though, that romance is not just some notion. Its not something in the air that floats into our lives making our emotions swirl into a lovely ray of colors and butterflies. I believe romance is hard work and requires both people in a marriage or relationship to commit time and energy to keep it alive. Romance in a marriage is as essential as any other part of a working relationship.

My suggestion, for what it's worth, it is to take action. And, girl, you know I'm all about the action..;)

As you know, it's about intimacy, not sex. And there is no reason why you cant pull off some romantic gestures to get the ball moving. Maybe, put the kiddos to bed and sit on ur deck with some candles, wine, cheese and crackers and some Nora Jones, Etta James, or Billy Holiday playing, take the kids for a walk and let them run around while you hold hands, slip a love note into his underwear drawer or leave one on the fridge or a lil post-it on his steering wheel, drop the kiddos with a friend (I volunteer) and go to the Currier or to a movie or to the beach and watch the waves come in, or to Boston for the day strolling by the Charles. There are millions of ideas rolling about in my head (making me the perfect husband should I ever get a sex change).

If you need any help, what-so-ever, you know I am here for ya!

Love ya!

Bev said...

Scope, you are a lucky man! Enjoy the first rushes of true love!

Laurie - Ok, I'll bring the kids by in an hour.


Thanks, girly. We do get away when we can, so it's not like we're completely devoid of romance. It's just a lot harder and less frequent these days!

Cary said...

Romance takes work. And who wants to work when you're already working all the GD time on everything else? But it's worth it. Or so they say. I wouldn't know. I'm about as romantic as a rattlesnake.

Cary said...

I like romance
When it happens in my pants.

Sorry, just testing out some phat riffs. I'm an aspiring rapper.

Bev said...

Cary, don't quit your day job. ;-)

I'm into romance... when it's a lap dance!


Stacie's Madness said...

ah yes...however, you CAN try to create a night of romance...candles, soft music, massage oil...etc.

Bev said...

Stacie, are you hitting on me?