Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Dear Sadistic Pilates Instructor,

Listen, bitch, I hate you and your toned physique. Your shoulders are so muscular that you look like a dude, Serena Williams, and just because you CAN count to 10 then backwards to 1 again several times in a row without taking a breath does not mean that you SHOULD. Also, an hour is 60 minutes, not 70. Maybe next week you'll wrap it up when you notice the impatient aerobics class attendees peering through cupped palms at the glass doors, gawking at our sweaty, prone asses.

Oh, and one last thing: you SUCK. I want to punch you in the face.

See ya next week!


The seal-like human flopping gamely around in the 2nd to last row. Well, the one wearing the purple top, that is.


Yes, folks, after many months of doing no more exercise than leisurely walking (to my car) and raising the TV remote, I decided that today would be a great day to hit the gym with a vengeance. Truth be told, I decided that last week was a great time to go back to the gym, but... let's just say that my gym bag decided to just take a nice ride in the car for a few days instead. I think it really enjoyed itself, and I gave myself points for even getting it packed up and into the car. Go, me!

I honestly thought about walking out of the class when I noticed that we'd only been crunching and reaching and balancing on our butt bones for 30 minutes and I was already sore and sweaty. When she started with the "planks," which are like Jack Palance one-armed army push-ups, I came close to blurting out, "Oh HELL NO," and slinking out the door. However, being in an all-mirrored room reminds you of why you are there in the first place, so I stuck with it.

I am happy to report that I made it through the entire class without crying.

Later, in the locker room, I attempted to collect my belongings and slither out the door before the stiffness overtook my limbs, but the (bitch slut whore!) instructor held court and said that we'd all start seeing "real body results in just 30 classes." THIRTY FUCKING CLASSES? 3-0? Goddamn it, woman! Lie to me and tell me it's three weeks to a hard body! Since I'm only planning on going to class once a week, that's a really long time to wait for results! Sonofa....

Anyway, now that the gym staff knows I'm not dead, I will try to go a few times a week. But I've said this before, and we all know how that worked out. I'll keep ya posted, though if I never mention the gym again, you'll know I've fallen off the wagon and am presently stuffing myself with wine and chips & salsa while watching Project Runway and criticizing those heifers they call models. That is exactly how I waddle.


Stuart said...

I swear, every time I see the word "Pilates", I think of "Kegels". Not that there's anything wrong with that, is there?

Oh hey - can you open this jar for me? Wait, not like that ...

Kate said...

Planks suck, suck, suck!!

Good luck to you and your Pilates ambition. I did it once, I repeat, once. I will cheer you on from the sidelines.

Stuart, you are farking hilarious.

Heidi Renée said...

I definitely judge the stick figure models while I sit on the couch eating. It's more of a profession than anything else. Although right now I'm eating and judging my fellow fatties on More to Love, so I guess I'm an equal opportunity bitchy fat girl.

Frank Irwin said...

Maybe your instructor can give those extra 10 minutes to Beck's speech therapist.

Good for you for starting an exercise regimen! I should really get back into the gym, since I've been paying for it and not using it the last 10 years or so.

The summer I spent in Lousiana, I joined a YMCA so that I had a place to shower. No, I didn't live under a bridge, but the house I was renting only had a bath, and I hate steeping in my own fetid juices. Anyhow, they had a class called "Belly Busters" that was 30 minutes of just abdominal exercises. I had trouble sitting up to get out of bed the day after my first class.

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Elliott said...

Kegels...aren't people who bowl called kegelers? I knew I was doing something wrong.

I don't do group exercise, especially under fluorescent lights, so more power to you for doing so. I'm picking up weight like nobody's business, thankfully cooler weather is coming and I can drag the mountain bike out to some trails without dying of heat exhaustion.

And I've heard tell of planks, I want nothing to do with them.

Courtney said...

Funniest letter EVER!!!
Good for you getting back to the gym...
and now I've lost my train of thought becaue of Stuart's comment.

Stacie's Madness said...

keep it up, i've heard pilates is the shit...or didn I hear it makes you shit...regardless...it's all good. :)

I have an award for you.

MtnMama said...

You went; that is far better than leaving the bag in the car.

I haven't gotten past the contemplation phase yet. Maybe you'll inspire me.

Anonymous said...

congrats on the comment spam, bev. ;)

good for you for taking the time to make it to the gym and do stuff. if it weren't for the fact that my gym exists in my bedroom, i certainly wouldn't make the effort.

@stuart, LMAO!!

Kristen said...

"Criticizing those heifers they call models" lmfao! Lets just not talk about the gym...ummkay?

Samsmama said...

Excellent! Good for you for going to the gym! I've been walking in the evenings and it's doing nothing for me.

I've discovered it's impossible to read the word "kegel" and not do one or two. I'm probably alone on this one. Oh well...and 10, and 9, and 8...

Laura said...

Awesome letter! I would like to steal it and substitute "jazz teacher" for pilates instructor. I start pilates on Monday so I'm sure I will need to steal the letter again in it's current form. :oD

Gold star for you, enjoy the "day 2" pain, I can't wait to feel my calves tomorrow morning...ugh.

And Stuart, holy crap that is some funny shit...haha!

onebadmamajama said...

Isn't Pilates what Madonna look like she does? Or is that yoga? Either way...don't turn into Madonna..she looks like shit!

Congrats on finding the willpower to work out though..cause I sure don't have any :)

Mala said...

While you were voluntarily putting yourself through torturous poses and burning mad calories, I was at the same time, picking up gas station chinese takeout. You rule... I suck.

Does that bitch whore pilates instructor also provide speech therapy? Seriously, when it's hurting and torturous, 1 hour equals 70 minutes. When you're paying $100 and hour for speech therapy, one hour equals 45 minutes. What the funk?

Also, you should totally come and do hip hop with me.

Anyway, keep up the good work! *reaching for an eggroll*

Elliott said...

I don't know if it's more frightening that they sell Chinese take-out at the gas station, or that it actually sounds good about now.

Bev said...

Stuart - I am genuflecting as I write this. I AM NOT WORTHY of your AWESOME COMMENTING SKILLZ! Wow. Honestly, I chuckled about the jar/kegals thing for at least 24 hours. Well done!

Kate - YES, the do, do, do! I used to do pilates twice a week and it was starting to feel easy. Now I can barely get up off the floor. *sigh*

Heidi Renee - ha!! Hey, at least you're fair!

Frank - I hear that! I have been paying for the gym all this time and not going as well. Oh, and when we had a big ice storm/power outage last winter I went there just to shower, too.

And yes, getting out of bed was a challenge yesterday, but it always is for me. This time it was just a physical pain instead of just a mental one.

OWV - Welcome!

Elliott - if you're doing kegals, you've distroyed everything I thought I knew about you.

Oh, and putting on weight? It might be the pie. Or the bacon. Though there's no scientific proof to support that statment. ;)

Thank goodness they turn the lights off for class so I can hide in the back and flop like a fish.

Frank Irwin said...

Hey! Guys get benefits from kegels, too!

I almost spit my coffee at your "flop like a fish" comment.

Bev said...

Courtney - thanks, girl! I'm gonna keep at it... I think. I hope.

Stacie - well, as you know, I don't shit, so we're all good there. ;)

MtnMama - I'm glad I can inspire you... to do something other than drink, that is.

Anon - HA! I know - the spammers found me, fo' sho'. Bedroom gymnastics, eh? You're the best wife evah.

Kristen - Ok! We won't talk about it.... trust me, I'll be off the wagon soon enough.

Samsmama - that's my line! I say that all the time: "Hell, I'm exercising right now!"

Laura - good! We can comfort each other as we roll like turtles on our backs b/c our abs are so sore.

OBMJ - UGH! I think it's more than just pilates that made Madge look like the crypt-keeper.... but I'll be careful, I promise!

Mala - I'm gonna need to try that gas station Chinese food you're always talking about. Srsly.

Bev said...

Thanks, Franky!

You're totally right. I mean, we don't do kegals for anything other than to improve sex for the guys, right?

Well, that and so we don't pee a little when we sneeze or laugh. But, you know, mostly it's for you.

Cary said...

30 classes? Way to send them packing, lady. They need to make her marketing director.

Honesty is almost always a good policy, I guess, but it's like wasabi and best given out in tiny amounts.

Srsly, she should really consider the AA approach: one day at a time. Because exercise is every bit as painful as rehab, I'm sure, if not more.

PorkStar said...

You was sweaty and all that... hmmm
and doing squats...... hmmm
there were mirrors.... hmmmm

letting imagination run wild now...... : )

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Mala said...

I totally agree with Outside Wedding Venue, little exercise....very, very little.