Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Me and Braggy McGee

I don't get braggarts. I've never understood what causes people to toot their own horns or try to one-up others in a conversation, and I've noticed that it starts really young. There's a kid up the street, and because of his multiple annoying qualities let's go ahead and call him Little Douchebag - LD. This kid is always bragging and lying to Danny, and he blatantly lies to all of us in the process. It's kind of funny, except that my kid actually buys his BS and I don't like how that makes him feel sometimes. One time LD came over and started spouting off about how he plays Rock Band on the expert level, which is total BS. I love the game, but only play on Medium difficulty - the Expert level is ridiculously hard!

So we just said, "Sure, ok LD, have at it." and watched as he got boo'ed off the stage over and over again within seconds of starting a song. Jim and I just stifled our smirks and asked if maybe he'd like to try a different level, and the little turd actually lied again and said that he was used to Guitar Hero (which is much better, in his opinion), so naturally it's our game which is at fault, and not his superior playing skills.

It's easy to see right through 'em, isn't it? I wonder if they know that we see that they're full of shit?

Jim seems to attract the boastful type to him like flies to honey. Perhaps it's because he is so confident and non-competitive that they feel the need to best him. IDK, all I know is that the worst tall-tale-tellers I've ever met have been acquaintances of my husband. His cousin B used to be the WORST for that. He spoke fast, like a coke head, which only added to his resemblance to Quentin Tarrantino. B loved to brag about himself and his accomplishments, which gets old about 90 seconds into a conversation.

Last weekend Jim went to Oregon for the wedding of an old college friend. A second wedding, as it turns out, since all of his college buddies are now moving on to their 2nd unions as they approach their 40's. Jim was really surprised when his friend T started yacking about his sex life with his new girlfriend, in vivid detail. This old friend T, whose wedding we went out of our way to attend in fraking Delaware just a few years ago, is newly single and dating a gymnast.

I'm sure you can see where this is going. Gymnasts are flexible. She is younger and they are enjoying the first blooms of romance, so they get it on like horny teenagers several times per day. The bastards. T apparently went into embarrassing detail about fantastic positions, frequency, and of course, tall tales of his own sexual prowess. He did his best to make his audience of college buddies believe that he is an epic and skilled lover who "opened the door and turned on the light" for his girlfriend, sexually. Yes, he actually used those words. *retch*



I was trying to think of something I might have been guilty of bragging about recently; aside from my glorious rack, that is. I'm sure I've bragged about my kids, but I reserve the right to do that whenever I feel like it. ;) Another thing I thought of was kind of bragging to myself, which I'm not sure counts. See, there's this radio program that I keep catching every morning after I get D on the bus - a caller has to answer 5 pop culture trivia questions and then the female DJ tries to answer the same questions. So far, no one has beat Kennedy the DJ, but I know the answers every day! I need to get that number and call in myself, because I'm convinced that I can beat Kennedy's smug ass.

Anywhooooo, thus ends my rant on bragging. We are all guilty of it from time to time, I'm sure. I'm not talking about the casual, recreational braggarts. I'm talking about the pros - the blowhards, the self-involved yahoos. Knock it off! It's unbecoming and narcissistic, and nobody buys it anyway.

I'm watching you....

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

how old is LD?

now that my oldest just started kindergarten, i worry about bullies and braggarts. I HATE BRAGGARTS. (of course, i hate bullies too, but that's not what we're talking about here.) when i first started this job - 13yrs ago, at the tender age of 20 - i worked with a woman who did the constant one-upping throughout every conversation. since then, i have met many more like her, but i will always remember her as my First Asshole Braggart.

i play GH on medium, too. i can beat it that way! i just can't get my pinky to do all those crazy acrobatics!

speaking of acrobatics... i got the skeevies when you mentioned the gymnast girlfriend. but remember that seinfeld episode? hehe.

WV = hydro

Anonymous said...

ooh! and your first pic of the woman and the "smells like bullshit"... my mom had an aerosol can of "Bullshit Repellant" in her office when i was a kid. no idea what was actually in that can, but still - funny.

Bev said...

Anon - LD is 8, almost 9. My kid is 6, so LD is always trying to one-up him. Sooo irritating.

Coworkers who do that are the WORST. I cannot stand that kind of self-congratulatory shit. Drives me nuts!

Yeah, Medium is hard enough, right? It's supposed to be fun. Whenever I try a harder level I get stressed out, so what's the point?!

Courtney said...

*snicker snicker* I did gymnastics for 15 years.... I know EXACTLY what this guy was talking about... It's all about the "bedroom olympics"..... I'm just sayin... sorry LOL

Frank Irwin said...

I dated a woman who was quite self-congratulatory. Perhaps you've read about her. :-) Our relationship was over when I decided that she congratulated herself enough for the both of us, and I didn't have to pretend to be impressed, anymore. For some reason, that upset her. Go figure. *shrug*

Stacie's Madness said...

ugh, kids like LD turn into assholes...as proven by your hubby's friend. :D

Organic Meatbag said...

Glorious rack... *mind trails*...

Frank Irwin said...

Jim seems to attract the boastful type to him like flies to honey.

Careful, there, Bev. :-D

Bev said...

Courtney - thanks for that visual. haha

Frank - yeah, women don't like it when you don't at least feign interest. Make a note of it. :)

Stacie - Right! LD will someday just be Regular D or Big D.

OM - as it should.

Franky - I knew someone would go there, and you were in my top 3 possible commenters who I thought would say it. Congrats! :D

Harmony said...

Ha! Most of my husbands "friends" are the same way. How can anyone call themselves a friend when they are constantly trying to belittle or "outdo" you? That's what I want to know. Do they actually think they are being friendly? From my experience with people like that, they are usually trying to make up for something they are lacking in. Hmmmm.....

Bev said...

Harmony - ITA! Over-compensating, for sure!

Kate said...

Good call Frank! If one out of 3 people are crazy and the two people standing next to you are normal, well..... Nah, seriously Bev, brag about that rack all you want and your kids too. Both deserve a lot of blog time.

Don't forget the other thing about gymnasts---they have NO BOOBIES. (Except for those of us who used to be gymnasts and have failed to take care of ourselves leaving us with droopy water balloons that no one finds appealing.)

Frank Irwin said...

I was just feigning interest, is all, Bev.

You're welcome.

Bev said...

Kate - I'm sure your rack is nothing a little Frederick's of Hollywood couldn't fix! Once you pop this kid out, buy yourself something pretty - your bod deserves it! :)

Frank - I always suspected you were feigning it in!

MtnMama said...

IF, he did, indeed, "[open] the door and turned on the light" for his girlfriend, sexually" then she was not getting out much before him, hmmm? Because what woman really experiences new worlds with a guy who is so obviously narcisistic? It is the lovely GIVING ones who show us the colors, baby.

We just wag our pinkies at guys like that. (mimicing what we surmise the size of their equipment really is) compensating, every one of 'em. For something, at least!

ugh, I hate having to deal with the little creeps in our kid's lives! I've got a lying little bitch living across the street from us that has already taken something and not returned it - even after being directly asked to. Don't make me come over there and toss your bedroom, missy! Don't think being 5 will get you off easy...

Mary said...

ahhhh the braggarts.
I actually have quite a few in my family! They REALLY do not like it when you're not impressed with them. So, naturally, I am EXTRA not impressed with whatever they have to say.
My most hated SIL heads the top of the list- even trying to impress me with who her son is friends with...I just sit there and say things like- "I have no idea who you're talking about"...or "I have no idea what you're saying"...the good thing about braggarts- if no one's impressed, they tire out easily :)

Mala said...

I would Ban that little shit from playing with Danny... just because he's annoying.

So I'm the only one who still plays on beginner, eh? Actually I'm too bummed to play since the Beatles show no love to GH!

Did Jim come home with any new *requests*? And please tell me that Jim referred to this dude's girlfriend as a handyman's dream (ya know, flat as a board and easy to nail???)???

New England Girl said...

Ugh! These sorts of people annoy the heck out of me!! I used to be close with one high school friend, and because his habits of lying, upstaging and bragging have gotten out of control, I can no longer speak to him. He knows more about everything and is better at it than anyone he knows or meets. I loved your account on these braggarts though, because it sums up everything I feel about them. I'm insecure about the stuff I know- I don't want to broadcast it to everyone and find out just how wrong I am about everything! :)

Samsmama said...

I hope I was on the list of 3 people that would make a comment like Frank. Why? Because I'm a fabulous person. I play Rock Band on the expert level. Blindfolded. I did gymnastics for years, yet my rack is spectacular. My husband is extremely well endowed and we have amazing sex daily, nightly, and ever so rightly. What were you saying?

Bev said...

MtnMama - "show us the colors." Right freakin' ON, lady. I need to see some colors, STAT.

Mary - great point! I'm gonna try that clueless routine from now on. Sounds like it would really take the wind outta their sails!

Mala - oh, you know we have a strict "no douchebag" policy 'round these parts! His contact with LD is limited, to say the least!

You can come play Beatles Rock Band anytime. Our NYE party is gonna be more rockin' than ever this year!

NE Girl - Sounds like you're better off without that dude in your life! Braggarts are so tiring.

Samsmama - Of course you were in my Top 3 - always! ;) And you are clearly very talented and modest, which is why we all love to stalk yo' crazy ass.

Cary said...

That's nothing, we have TWO annoying braggarts on our street.

Kristen said...

You mean guys talk about sex in detail? I thought only we did that. Bragging. I might mention my killer sunglasses and how I always get checked out when I wear them. But that's cuz I don't get checked out normally. Oops, I mean I always get checked out by hotties. Always.

Bev said...

Cary - are you bragging about having more braggarts than I do? Sheesh.

Kristen - I need the 411 on these shades of yours. I'm in the market for a new pair, and I could use an ego boost. ;)

Cary said...

It's not bragging if it's true. Or so I choose to believe.

Kidding aside, when people start going on about how great they are, I almost instinctively roll my eyes and do the jerking-off gesture. You should try that with this kid. He'll have no earthly idea what you're doing, but you'll feel better.

WV = weake. Weake me up before you goe goe...

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