Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Silence can be bought...

...in 5 minute increments. Turns out, $3.18 will buy you two small milkshakes at McDonald's, which in turn bought me 5 minutes of sweet, sweet silence this weekend.

I needed it.

I would have paid much more.

It was a good long weekend, but nothing to write home (or blog) about. On Saturday my mom came down from Vermont and she and I took the boys on a road trip to NY for a family function. It was actually ok, despite the fact that I drove 4 hours down there to spend 3 hours with the fam, then drove 4 hours back home to NH. Oy. It was nice to see everyone, though, and I was able to save the day with my omnipresent little Nikon when everyone assembled for our obligatory group shot and my cousin's camera wouldn't take the pic. I might as well keep my camera on a holster at my hip because I whipped it out and nailed the group shot on the first attempt, WITH a 30 lb. toddler on my hip, no less. WOOT! I rule.



This particular branch of the family is really religious and smart - it's like a PhD convention with extra Jesus. My mom's cousin has two PhDs and teaches religion at a college, and his wife is a Nuclear Physicist (we'll call her Nukey) who grew up in Japan because her parents were missionaries. She has 4 kids and homeschools them all until middle school. Yeah. Talking to her is awesome, though - she's very sweet but kind of socially awkward, and she has this full-body laugh that I freakin' LOVE. My sister and I had her going - she was laughing so hard and for so long that Debbie and I were just kind laughing and looking at each other with a "Can you believe this?" expression. Yeah, we're funny chicks, but... wow.

Of course, I had to constantly edit myself because my sense of humor runs toward the bawdy (maybe you've noticed?), so several times I had to bite my tongue. I'd look at my sister and wish we were telepathic because I HATE having something funny to say and not being able to say it. At one point Nukey was talking about taking three kids to Japan when they were ages 5, 3, and 1, and I came thisclose to blurting out, "There's not enough Xanax in the world for me to make that flight, even if I gave it to the kids!" But I managed to stop myself just in time. It was close.

Speaking of my sister, she gave me the green light to post some of her/our more embarrassing childhood photos, and I'm looking forward to doing so. I bought a new scanner this weekend and did a bunch of pretty funny pics, so those will be making an appearance here and there on the OOBH. Aw, heck, let's do one right now, shall we?



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!!!!

I don't know what is funnier - Debbie's ruffled shirt and ribbon string tie, or my crooked bangs and apparent cold sore. Or the death grip she has on my shoulder. Or the blank expressions we're both sporting. Eh, screw it - it's all hilarious, IMO. Stay tuned for more awesomeness from the Vault in the coming days/weeks.

Ok, I've rambled on enough for one morning. Better get to work. Oh, who am I kidding? I just need to go because Lady GaGa is going to be on Ellen any minute now, and you know how I love the GaGa.

32 comments:

Mala said...

BAHAHAHA!!!!

First, I'd need the Xanax and a fist full of Aquadots to make the trek you did on Saturday! Kudos to you, my friend.

And I LOVE that picture. Pensive? Give me pensive!
Deb is rockin' the far away look. Really, like Ty-Ty says, it's all in the eyes. I think she nailed that one. Way to go girl!

And Bev, I totally cut my own bangs right before picture day at that age too.

Samsmama said...

"it's like a PhD convention with extra Jesus"...I just wet myself. That was AWESOME!

I love the visual image I got of Nukey and her full body laugh. Again...awesome!

The group family photo is wonderful! How weird is it that I think 3 people look familiar?

The childhood pic is stellar! Looking forward to more!

New England Girl said...

Hahaha... you never fail to make me laugh out loud. Love it!! I would have crumpled over from laughter at your "PhD convention with extra Jesus" -- that stuff gets to me like nothin' else! I am glad I can live vicariously through you though. :) So happy you had a good weekend!

Anonymous said...

"it's like a PhD convention with extra Jesus" made me pee myself too. oh, how i heart you.

re: nukey and the fact that she was laughing so hard at you guys... aside from the fact that you are fucking hilarious, awesome, etc., etc., i think that people like nukey (the highly educated/ thick with jesus) laugh so hard at the likes of you because they don't have much humor in their lives. think about it! you are a breath of fresh air.

oh, and re: the xanax comment. i would have thought the same thing. was there booze involved, or do the churchies not drink? because i probably would have let that comment slip if there was some imbibing taking place.

lastly, i agree that 5 minutes of silence is worth way more than $3.18. ;)

Bev said...

Mala - I'm not even sure I cut my bangs, I think my mom did it! Somehow that makes it much, much worse, am I right?

Samsmama - LOL! Maybe we're related. Do you heart Jesus and higher learning? Wait, never mind....

NE Girl - Thanks. So glad I could make you laugh today!

Anon - Drinking?! BWAHAHAHA! No, no they do not drink. In fact, they are dry as BURNED TOAST. Besides, I had to drive 4 hours home, so no booze for me, although my sister and I were totally ready for a drink by the end of the event.

And you're right - we must be a breath of fresh air! Do they think that, or do they just say extra prayers for us sinners at the end of the day? Something tells me it's the latter.

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahahaha, I love it!! Cute little Bev and her little bangs!

Stacie's Madness said...

love the picture...lmfao. I've posted some of me and my brother from back in the day too. (long time ago...I'd link ya up, but I'm too fucking lazy, er busy)

I have a friend that I've been friends with for a very very long time, she works at a Christian school. This weekend was her annual labor day party, so she invited me (of course) and some friends from the school she works at. Wouldn't you know it? My favorite word of the night was "JESUS" nice...

Stacie's Madness said...

follows.

Kristen said...

OMFG! I love the pic.

As far as the super smart fam...I wouldn't even know what to say to them. Duh...uh.. 2+2 is 4. Duh...

Elliott said...

Yes, I think it's official, 'PhD convention with extra Jesus' is the funniest line in the whole blogosphere today. It almost brought me back to an even keel, I nearly cracked a tiny smile, and that's an accomplishment today.

Mala, I still cut my own hair now, I don't see what the big deal is. Picture days sucked.

Actually, bad days suck all around.

WV: cultin

Elliott said...

And this has nothing to do with your post, but the new word verf is COWEAD.

What does a Cockney gangster use to make you an offer you can't refuse? A cow 'ead!

Sorry.

Heidi Renée said...

Your sis looks like the creepy little girl from that Orphan movie. Don't worry, though, my sister was routinely mistaken for a little boy when she was a child, so it could have been much worse.

The Peach Tart said...

Fabulous picture. Great hair do. I love me some Lady Gaga too.

Bev said...

OM - I haven't changed a bit, riiiiiiight?

Stacie - Ha!!! I need to see that pic, for sure. Also, why is it that what is taboo becomes what you cannot stop saying? That is the story of my life. Tell me, "Don't mention such-and-such..." and that's ALL I'll wanna mention....

Kristen - Yeah, we all feel a little inferior in that crowd, I think. I comfort myself by remembering that I am fun and cool, and they are... not. At all.

Elliott - YAY! I'm glad I got you to ALMOST crack a smile. I'll keep at it and have you guffawing by quittin' time, I promise!

Cowead! LOL!

Heidi - Oh, she's gonna love that comparison! ::snicker:: Wait till you see us a few years later when we both had Duran Duran-inspired haircuts - short & feathered, baby.

TPT - thanks! I'm eagerly awaiting Gaga's U.S. tour dates. Wild horses could not keep me from going to that show.

Stacie's Madness said...

Bev- http://www.staciesmadness.com/2007/11/old-school.html

the last picture is also me, pre-weight watchers...wow, what a reminder.

Deb said...

To say that I went through an awkward stage is quite the understatement. But just wait until Bev opens the vault again - I promise you, it gets worse! If you think Lurch and Pugsley here are bad, then fasten your seatbelts, because you are in for a wild ride!!!

MtnMama said...

Personally, I think every PhD convention should be served with extra Jesus... way to go on the group shot, Bev; very nice.

I have been known to pull through the McD drivethru just for the dollar-menu cone, and nothing else, just to shut up M - I mean, make my daughter happy. It cracks me up when they can't believe that's ALL I want to buy.

Your serious face in the picture is so funny! And your bangs look better than mine did...

Mala said...

"Lurch and Pugsley"!!!!! OMG!!!!! I.CAN'T.STOP.LAUGHING!!!!!!!!

Samsmama said...

OMFG! I just went and looked at Stacie's old pictures. The set of her and her brother fucking killed me! I don't know why, but I'm laughing so damn hard! Must have been wonderful for Stacie to grow up in the Alps.

*wipes tear*

Stacie's Madness said...

Samsmama- YOU BET YO ASS, *slippery slopes ahead*

Ms. Case said...

Alright, I laughed at the old picture of you and your sis! HAHA!

'PhD convention with extra Jesus'...but that line made my day! LOL

Cary said...

That pic is the bomb. Looks like something included in a ransom note. "If you ever want to see your kids again..."

I concur re: the extra Jesus bit. I laughed.

Can't wait to see more.

Samsmama said...

A ransom note??? OK, now that's some funny shit. Now when I look at the picture I visualize you holding up a copy of today's newspaper.

Laura said...

PhD convention with extra Jesus....bwah ha ha. I would deffo need the Xanax for that!! Great pic too, I have some doozies of me and my brother but I'm not brave enough to post them. Blech.

Thanks for visiting my blog :o)

Laura

Harmony said...

I too concur, extra Jesus..Hilarious! Happy to see that you pulled through with your picture taking skills..awesome. I love the kiddy picture of you and your sister. When I was a kid I was bawling during every single picture. Can't wait to see the rest.

Kate said...

Interesting, I didn't know that PhD conventions came with a standard serving of Jesus, not to mention an extra serving. Good to know. I will inform my bible study group at once.

And honey, I ain't to proud to be either (that is to beg my children to shut the f**k up sometimes by giving them WHATEVER THE HELL THEY WANT at that very moment, even if it is that very sharp pair of scissors to play with. They're happily quiet until the blood curdling screams start.)

Stuart said...

As much as I'd love to say something snarky like "Was your hairstyle done by beavers?", I shall refrain because I have way too much fucking class for that.

And yeah - snortage at the PhD con Jesus line. Nicely done.

Frank Irwin said...

I LOL'ed at "Lurch and Pugsley." I may have peed in my pants, but I'm not sure, as they were already a bit moist.

Harmony said...

No and then!

Bev said...

Lurch & Pugsley?!?!?! Freakin' hilarious.

Love your pics, Stacie!

Heee, you guys seriously kill me. And by "kill me," I mean make me laugh and make my day.

outdoor wedding venues said...

The pics are really awesome.

Mala said...

I totally agree with Outdoor Wedding venues, those pictures ARE awesome!

*hiding behind a shrub, ready to club Elliott*