Thursday, October 29, 2009

Festivus is early this year!

It's not even December, but it's already Festivus for the rest of us!



How else can I explain this Airing of Grievances? Get out the aluminum pole and limber up for the Feats of Strength, people, 'cause here it comes.

First of all, Gmail is spying on me.

Stop looking at me like that! I know it sounds paranoid, but Gmail is freaking me out lately. You know how they have those keyword generated ads along the right column of the page? I find them so intrusive, don't you? Just now, for instance, I was tapping out an email in which I called something or someone a pain in the neck. Next time I glanced over Gmail had helpfully suggested several cures for neck pain and a few chiropractors in and around my city. On occasion I've been known to pen a dirty email or ten (shut up) and you would not believe the smut Gmail slams me with during those instances. Buncha pervs! Gmail needs to mind their beeswax, I say.

My kid got sent home sick today. Again.

Yet he doesn't act sick at all. In fact, he's quite energetic and annoying. He doesn't lie around, glassy-eyed with fever, quietly sipping juice and calling me "Mother Dear," he bounces around touching everything and making constant, irritating, grate-on-your-nerves noise! He's not one of these kids who loses his appetite either; nope, he's asking me for things to eat every 5 minutes only to eat two bites of it and say he's full. For this, I keep missing work! Not that I'm missing it, but that's beside the point. I'm bored at home, simple as that.

I still don't know what I'm allergic to.

Sure, the rash is gone, and I'm reallyreallyreally glad about that. But why must my left eye keep swelling?! It's like all of the mystery whatever-it-was has all landed there in one eye. This morning I woke up feeling pretty darn good; after all, I was home with my kid all day yesterday and managed to sneak in a 2 hour nap while he played Wii! It wasn't until I glanced at myself in the bathroom mirror and saw that I resembled Rocky Balboa after going a few rounds with Apollo Creed that my spirits took a nosedive. Also, I think I'm developing some sort of dependency on Benedryl and Zyrtec.

On a related note, the Google image search results for "swollen eye" are terrifying.

Daycare centers suck.

There's this woman at the daycare whom we privately refer to as the Chicken Lady. She has yellow hair and bulgy, bloodshot eyes, she's skinny and has a prominent Adam's Apple and a beak-like nose. She clearly earned the nickname by virtue of her looks alone, but we'd never have started calling her that had she not also been a raging biotch as well. She's one of these drill Sargent types who takes no guff and has the children marching in little lines. Our oldest son toughed out a year under her reign last year for Kindergarten and we thought that would be the extent of it now that he goes to the public elementary school. As it turns out, he still has to deal with her in the after school program.

Lately she has been nitpicking every little thing the kid does and making a federal case out of it when my husband goes in to pick him up in the afternoons. Jim started to dread pick-ups because it was always something: D stood up before the bus came to a complete stop and angered the driver! D and his friends licked their hands and laughed about it! D and his little friend were talking about *gasp* their weiners! Sounds like typical 6 year-old-boy stuff, right? That's what we thought too! But no, everything is a huuuuuuge deal to the Chicken Lady.

Well, yesterday the shit hit the fan and she managed to anger my mild mannered professor/hey-man-it's-cool hippy of a husband so much that he actually yelled back at her. Yeah, The Jim yelled back! Definitely a first. So now we have to go have a conference with the owner of the daycare and the Chicken Lady, but the long & the short of it is that Jim told her to stop treating him like a child and she told him to stop blowing her off when she tells him all about what is "wrong" with our kid. Really productive. The good news is she kissed my ass thoroughly this morning, so now I get to be the sensible, reasonable parent in the equation instead of the one who is usually overly-sensitive to the fall-out caused by their banal little microcosmic existence.

So there they are, my grievances. You'd think I would feel better, but not so much. Maybe after the Feats of Strength? Come on, who's gonna try to pin me first? I'm all kinds of irritated right now, so I'm pretty sure I can take all y'all! ;)

37 comments:

Stacie's Madness said...

ok this post made me giggle...and i was all ready to pounce in here and comment, cept, I got nothing.

fuck the chicken lady, i've always preferred pork.

get rid of the eye makeup if you're using any.

oooohhh or maybe it's a sty, those bastards hurt, itch and cause swelling.

I think yahoo might do the same with ads, yet, I've never noticed...too into my dirty emails to see what's going on to the side.

mmmk. there you have it.

MtnMama said...

Oh, I'm ALL OVER the Festivus, Bev! Most people look at me like I've got two heads when I quote that one, so extra hugs and kisses for you!

The chicken lady is soooo out of line. Thank god that hasn't happened to me yet, because I have to be Bad Cop All.The.Time. Laughing at the role reversal with you & Jim.

Crap tends to drain down one side of my head whenever I catch something foul. Warm compresses may help. Hope it clears up soon; Rocky doesn't sound like a good look for you.

onebadmamajama said...

I keep telling my kids we are having Festivus instead of Christmas this year. I seem to be the only one who gets the reference LOL

Good for your hubby for standing up to her! People like that will run all over you (and sadly, your son) if you let them! Take her out, I say!

As for the rash and eyeball..please don't consult Dr. Google! I would advise a RL dr. if at all possible.

Word verif: carkwe--the sound The Chicken Lady will make when you finally snap and choke the living shit outta her:)

Mala said...

Frank put your hand down!!!!!!!!

Mala said...

OK, now that I got that outta my system....

I agree, you might need to ditch any and all eye makeup, it may be contamenited and you're just reintroducing it with each use. (on a side note: if you need to make a trip to Sephora... I'm your girl!)

I LOVE Chicken Lady... but not your chicken lady. That biatch necks her neck wrung! So when's the comference? And can I come?? I'll bring a side dish.

Mala said...

Fuck me and my spelling! Damn it!!!!

(please mentally spell check my last comment. Thank you)

Samsmama said...

They licked their hands and laughed about it? I sure hope you punished him severely! That is uncalled for behavior and should not be tolerated!

Fucking chicken people, they're an angry species.

Elliott said...

Serenity Now!

Sorry, I'm sure that's the alcohol or pork fat or beef marrow or somesuch thing talking.

I'm actually having a problem typing this...I suppose trying to work at this stage might be a bad idea. I think I'll go lick my hands instead.

Elliott said...

and no, I was safe and let the hotel shuttle drive me to an unknown neighborhood and leave me to my own devices.

In case you cared.

Harmony said...

Wow Chicken lady sounds like a real pain in the neck. What's the cure for that again, Gmail?

Sick kids are the worst for multiple reasons.
1. They're whiney
2. There demands are exhausting.
3. Sometimes they barf and you have to clean it up.
4. Sometimes they forget to fart on the toilet when they have diarrhea and you have to clean it up.
5. Sometimes when cleaning kid barf, the smell of said barf makes you barf and you have to clean that up too.
6. You will never sleep again, until they are better.
7. You tend to hate on yourself for being so annoyed with your sick children.

Then they start the whining again. It's a vicious circle.

I had really hoped that you had seen the last of that rash. I think Stacie and Mala nailed it with the makeup. I hope it clears up soon.

Elliott said...

Oh, and I concur on the gmail stalking, FB and MySpace do the same thing. Not surprisingly, most of my ads are for bacon and pie.

Elliott said...

did I mention I've been drinking?

Elliott said...

And yes, this is just pitiful, but a word verf like this CAN'T go to waste:

WV: nualiked - Ah nu a liked u for a reason! (and yes, now I'm sitting in my hotel room channelling Forrest Gump. Run, Drunkie, run!)

MtnMama said...

Elliott! I'm snowed in and I ran out of booze on Tuesday! NOT polite to rub it in! Bad dog, no biscuit!

Samsmama said...

I totally want to hang out with drunk Elliott.

Elliott said...

MtnMama - How does that happen? One must be prepared for these circumstances - hence the four dozen bottles of wine and fully stocked liquor cabinet at home - hurricane season isn't over yet. I feel so bad for you, that's never a situation I'd want to be in.

Drunk Elliott is fun, especially if you're my go-to drunk dial (or you're with me when I drunk-dial). What're you wearing?

Samsmama said...

My Snuggie, Elliott. Just my Snuggie.

MtnMama said...

Ah, thanks, Elliott! I wish I were as well prepared as you! I am such a nutter for letting that happen. Especially snowbound with my 5 1/2 yr old who hasn't been to school in two days!

Elliott said...

Mmmm...Snuggie Sutra...

MtnMama, I'd ship you some emergency Scotch, but I doubt it would get there in time to avert disaster. Might be time to let the apple juice sit on the radiator with a piece of bread in it, while Googling recipes for bathtub gin and pruno.

MtnMama said...

Oh, Elliott! How did you know scotch is my favorite? Damn, just FedEx your own self - I could really use a man like you... sounds like you have skills. But bring the scotch, too, k?

Elliott said...

Wait - you're not just suckering me in to make me shovel the driveway when I get there, are you?

MtnMama said...

I have staff to do that. (ok, they refer to themselves as property managers, but...)

Elliott said...

well in that case...

onebadmamajama said...

You two keep it up and the snow is just gonna melt right off the sidewalk LOL No scotch required ;)

Frank Irwin said...

I didn't think that Dads ever had to pick up the kids from school, because no one ever told them where the schools are.

At least that's what I hear.

Mala, where would you like me to put my hand, hmmmmm?

outdoor wedding venues said...

I enjoy this discussion and post. I see nice word exchange between all of you. Mala and Elliott keep it up.

Mala said...

What? How did I get pulled into it? I was simply offering advice to the bevers about dumping her eye makeup... it was Elliott and Samsmama, and Elliott and MtnMama who turned this into to Sexy, Snow-shoveling, Snuggie-Sutra Sex Party.

So I'll ammend our friend OWV comment to : Elliott Keep It Up!!!!!
*snicker*

Mala said...

What? How did I get pulled into it? I was simply offering advice to the bevers about dumping her eye makeup... it was Elliott and Samsmama, and Elliott and MtnMama who turned this into to Sexy, Snow-shoveling, Snuggie-Sutra Sex Party.

So I'll ammend our friend OWV comment to : Elliott Keep It Up!!!!!
*snicker*

Deb said...

Google really is spying on you; it's called spyware and it sucks. Run a "Search & Destroy" utility asap and get rid of it!

Run one on the Chicken Lady too - that shit has got to stop. Go Jim!!

Bev said...

Jeepers! Happens every time -- I go to bed early and you guys have a party without me! Sheesh!!

I've yet to find my bra... gotta go check the freezer. And God only knows what that crusty mess on the Snuggy is! Ew.

Drunk Elliott - WOOOT! Love me some Drunk Elliott.

DecaturHeel said...

I can think of a lot worse ways to spend the holiday than celebrating Festivus. Just tell the Chicken Lady to repeat "Serenity Now!" over and over.

Lindsey Himmler said...

The chicken lady sounds horrifying...like some weird drug-induced horror-film. Not that I know.

Anonymous said...

i miss the kids in the hall...

wow, mala and elliot getting a shout out from OWV. holla!

you people crack me the fuck up. and bev? i can totally relate to the asshole daycare lady thing. the after-care lady at nate's daycare occasionally pulls the, "we need to work on our listening skills..." no fucking shit, lady! he's FIVE.

calicobebop said...

That bitch is a control freak - no two ways about it. How people like that are allowed to supervise kids is beyond me. I hope she gets her ass chewed out by the manager.

Nuff said.

Cary said...

Rock on, Jim. Even Wayne Brady knows when to choke a bitch.

I know what happened to your eye. You threw down with Chicken Lady, didn't you? You guys duked it out and you kicked her ass, except she got one good lick in. Don't be embarrassed to tell us you were in a chick fight, Bev. It's a real turn-on.

Next time keep your feet moving and she won't lay a glove on ya.

Kenna Christensen said...

your blogs are so entertaining! i absolutely LOVE THEM!!!!!! hahaha love your stuff!! :)

outdoor wedding venues said...

Festivus for the rest of us....I'm so excited I cant wait....I have the pole up and everything. I'm going to serve dessert this year because I dont want everyone sitting around...like idiots...without cake