Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Hey Kids

Just a little friendly reminder from your ol' pal Bev:

Drink in moderation, do drugs rarely if ever and never hard ones, and above all, sunblock, sunblock, sunblock!

What in fucking fuckerson has happened to Lindsay Lohan?! I know, I know, I've asked this question before. But lately every time I see her picture she looks like she just blew a homeless guy in an alley in exchange for a half-eaten ham sandwich and a ride home. Well, assuming homeless guys have cars, which I'm not exactly sure about. I guess it depends on the homeless guy.

Whatever, my point is that she looks like Tara Reid if Tara Reid had been deep fried in bacon grease and left baking in the Arizona desert for a several days. Heck, I'd even venture to say that Tara Reid never looked this bad in all her alcoholic stupor Franken-tit glory days! When you are being unfavorably compared to a washed-up "coulda-shoulda-been" like Tara, it's time make some tough life decisions, LiLo. And for god's sake, exfoliate & moisturize that shit!

She is only 23 years old. TWENTY-THREE. When I was 23 I did not have a single line on my face. Not one! I have photographic evidence to prove it, too!

Remember, just a few short years ago, Lindsay looked like this.

Alrighty then, now that I've gotten my little PSA off my chest, let's get on wit' it, shall we? I know you're all DYING for an update on my rash, and who am I to leave you hanging? When last we saw our heroine (settle down, Lindsay, not that kind of heroin) she was moping and strung out on Benedryl. Well, this morning my rash had all but disappeared, but my left eye was swollen almost shut when I woke up. WOOHOO! So I popped some more antihistimines and went to see a doctor, and wouldn't ya know it? By the time I got there everything was gone. HAHAAHAHAHAHA! My life totally rules.

Needless to say, he didn't have much advice for me. I'm a mystery wrapped in a puzzle with a side dish of enigma. Delicious! The good news is that I've decided not to give a fuck anymore. If it happens again I'll just take the dang Benedryl or Zyrtec or whatever and wait for it to pass. Life's too short and I hatehatehate having something wrong with me, so I'm taking the Ostrich approach from now on. Denial, hurray!

Aside: While searching for that Ostrich image, I came across this little gem:

AAAAAAAACK! I know it's fake (right?!), but... wow. It is fake, right?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Okay dokey, I've confused you all enough for one day, I'm sure. I'm gonna go ahead and blame this entire post on the Benedryl. Well, and the Meth. Mmmm, delicious Meth.

Gotta go!


Frank Irwin said...

Thanks for the new avatar, sweetcakes!

Bev said...

Frank!!! You must be psychic, man, (or I am) because as I was writing this earlier I almost wrote something about this being Frank's new avatar.

LMAO! Use it in good health, my friend.

MtnMama said...

Damn. 23, huh? At 23 I looked 12. Smoking doesn't help; as I get older I notice more and more how big a difference it makes. But the horrid bleach job doesn't do her any favors, either. I just don't get the obsession with the yellow hair - it simply is not the best look on everyone. And the constant bleaching makes it into fried straw. YUCK!

Lindsey Himmler said...

That poor girl is gonna kill herself. She used to be absolutely the cutest thing. Tina Fey, save that girl!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

You know...the ostrich can kick the jaw off a lion.

Cary said...

Lilo's such a wreck. It's pathetic. She was so cute in The Parent Trap. I'm being serious for once. She'll be dead by 30. I hope I'm wrong.

I hear Tara's in the new Playboy and looking bueno. Pass. I'm sure she looks like every other chick in Playboy: blonde, fake tits, bald downstairs. Yawn.

Love your description of her blowing the guy for a ham sandwich, though. What an image. Or maybe he just put his thang between two pieces of bread and said, here's your ham sammich. (?)

All that said -- I would do her. But not before giving her a stern lecture about getting her shit together. Is that hypocritical? Oh well.

Samsmama said...

I'd say she owes you a big thank you, as I've certainly seen worse pictures of her popping up recently. She's a hot mess, and headed in a horrible direction. Little sister will probably do the same. Great parenting, Dina & Michael! (I HATE that I know that.)

Seriously, that picture is fake...right?

Frank Irwin said...

Mjenks, I guess that after he kicks the jaw off a lion, he puts it in his own mouth, eh?


Mala said...

It's seriously overcast here but after looking at that picture I'm totally slathering on the ol' SPF70, PRONTO!

And thank goodness for Jenksy, adding a little edumacation to your helpful PSA. I feel all bubbly with knowledge.

And I'm totally bringing an epi-pen for you Bevers on our next roadtrip!

Elliott said...

Just to add...having shingles sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Glad you don't have it, and trust me, you'll know if it really happens.

That aside, LiLo's quite sad looking, but knowing that Drew Barrymore went through a rough patch, we can hope she pulls it together, gets the girls out in film and print, and just turns into a hot 30-something babe.

Like Bev.

Elliott said...

Dammit, now I just got the greatest word verf of all time.

WV: gomblys - I can't believe I just had the gomblys to hit on Bev in my last comment. But I'm glad I did.

Elliott said...

Am I climbing in the comment race yet?

Frank Irwin said...

There's a comment race?

WV: dedmlogo - The best kind of mlogo.

Samsmama said...

Elliott, relax. We all know you leave Bev lots of comments. There's something wrong with that widget anyway. I'm fairly certain I've left more than 13. And over at my place Bev is #1 with a whopping 10. She's left me at least 12 this year.

New England Girl said...

Lindsay is SUCH a mess. It's painful even looking at recent photos of her. It makes my eyes hurt! Ack. I never liked her, but she used to be so pretty... what a fugly she's turned it.
Glad to hear your rash and swollen eye have both hit the road!

Bev said...

oooooweeee! Elliott, why I never! Ok, yes I have, I lied.

Mary, I didn't get the whole widget thing for a while either, what it does is count up your comments out of the last 100 comments. So the top 10 has to equal 100. Or something like that. IDK, I don't -- how you say? Do zee math.

Mary said...

what the fucking fuck IS wrong with these young thangs? Let's face it, all they have going for them is their looks (and in Tara Reid's case, not even that) and they just ruin themselves.
When I was 23 I still got carded everywhere I went and really didn't have one wrinkle. Things are much different now, but I still think they could be mistaken for over 30 easy.
My biggest question about these young party girls? Am I crazy, or isn't it illegal to drink under the age of 21 and aren't illegal drugs, um illegal?
oh I'll stop now.
The comment about blowing the hobo for ham sandwich was awesome- you rock!

Stacie's Madness said...

*mental note, lay off spray tan*

The Peach Tart said...

Lindsey looks like warmed over shit.

Carol said...

well as far as Lindsay goes she's heading down the path of rock bottom. Hope she wakes up before the thud. Love that monster ostrich thing.

onebadmamajama said...

Yeah, there's a whole bevy of beached up washed out starlets making the rounds in Hollyweird..or so it seems.

Cary, the thang ham sammich...priceless! LMAO

I'm glad your rash has disappeared!:)

onebadmamajama said...

Comin' back to stalk ya! And get a little up in the comment race ;)

Samsmama said...

The ham sandwich thing was awesome, but it implies that LL eats. I bet she'd love a dick sandwich, hold the bread. Or, wait, isn't she into mexican food?

Elliott said...

I thought she liked clams, but I don't follow the tabloids, so I could be wrong.

Samsmama said...

Crap! That would have been funnier! I was aiming for tacos.

Bev said...

You guys are right! She probably would have preferred a nice roast beef sandwich.

I doubt Lindsay eats much of anything unless you count cigarettes, vodka, and sweet, savory cocaine.

outdoor wedding venues said...

ostrich image is really very wonderful. It scary me when i see it first time.

outdoor wedding venues said...

@Frank irwin-- Its nice avatar man. I also wanna that one,

Heidi Renée said...

I prefer "fat" Lindsay. I had the girl hots for her circa Mean Girls. I can't stand her as a blonde. It just looks wrong.

Those ostrich teef are looking capuchin monkey-ish to me.

Harmony said...

Bev, you are hifrakinglarious. I love the way you think.

"if Tara Reid had been deep fried in bacon grease and left baking in the Arizona desert for a several days." ~ Seriously brilliant.

I laughed throughout this entire post. Well with an exception to the killer ostrich..that was terrifying.

Cary said...

Re: Tara's "frankentit" (HA!!):

It scary me. I don't wanna that one man.

Frank Irwin said...