Thursday, October 8, 2009

Unintentional Hilarity

Good morning, my lovely bloggy buddies. Have I told you lately that I love you? 'Cuz I do. Sorry, I'm feeling a little shmoopy this morning. It happens -- ignore me.

No, wait, don't really ignore me! I have stuff to say!

This morning when I got to work I found a little bit of comic gold waiting for me. I'm sure you all know by now that part of my job is to be the office manager for a group of humorless assclowns financial advisors, which basically means that everyone in the office feels entitled to bother me with all of the office's perceived flaws and short-comings. If we're down to 3 rolls of TP in the closet, you better believe I'm gonna hear about it. If the copy machine sucks in more than one page of paper at a time, it's my problem. Low on coffee creamer - RED ALERT! Drop everything!

You get the idea. It's super fun (NOT) and I can't believe I've been selling myself out for as long as I have, but whatever. It pays the bills and it couldn't be more easy or flexible, so I put my ego and sense of self-worth in a jar each day between the hours of 8:30 and 4 and suck it up. Today when I got to work I found this note, and I couldn't help myself; I pulled out my cell and took a picture and said to my crazy cat lady coworker, "I just have to prove to my friends that this is really my life."

Behold the lameness:

I'll alert the media! Shall I get out my sledge hammer and hard hat and start busting open the walls to locate the decaying rodent? Perhaps I should call the police to come investigate to make sure it's not a dead hooker that someone stashed in the utility closet? Honestly, what is it that they expect me to do about a mysterious odor with no apparent source?

The solution I'd LIKE to use is to drop off a box of Glade Plug-Ins on the note-writer's desk and leave her a note of my own. Something along the lines of,

"Maybe these will help with the mysterious odor. If you need ideas on where to stick them, just let me know."


What else is new? I had a nice day off yesterday, so I'm feeling sprightly and refreshed today. No, really! I did some laundry then went and got my hair done. Obsession is a strong word, so I'll just say that my fondness for Zooey Deschanel has peaked, so I decided to go all out and get some bangs because I dig her look. I don't think this pic does my 'do justice -- I got a bunch of funky highlights that you can't see in this light, but you get the idea:

After my hair appointment I went over Laurie's and hung out a bit, then she and her daughter and I went and did a little shopping and had dinner. Laurie's new car is pretty sweeeeeeet - she's got a bright red Mini Cooper convertible, and I can't wait to ride in it this weekend with the top down. I'm gonna don a head scarf and go all Thelma & Louise on yo' asses. Trust.

So, all in all, it was a great day. I shall cling to it today as I suffer the quiet desperation of my day-to-day work existence. Good things lie ahead for the weekend, and I plan to rock n' roll all night (and party every day)... and you know I'll take pictures.

Back to the shmoopiness -- you're all awesome and intelligent and The Bev loves you. Can you feel it? (no, not that... pervs) One last thing -- congrats to Frank for making it to numero uno on the comment list! It's so nice when hard work pays off. Well done, and thank you all for your hilarious comments. I live for them.


New England Girl said...

Oh my gosh! That note had me cracking up. Seriously, what do they expect you to do?! Some people are so lame. I love your humor about it all though. :) And I LOVE your hair... looks so cute!

Harmony said... are definitely rocking those bangs. Hawt! Your so freaking cute.

My right eye began to twitch a little upon reading the note left on your desk, as it reminded me very much of my last job. The one I had to quit because every time my boss would start talking my right eye went to twitching. Crazy! I do wonder just what it is she thinks you can do about it that she can't.

I say forget about the Glade plugins and send out an interoffice memo regarding the odor while referencing the note leaver, asking everyone to politely disregard the smell while she works out her personal issues.

Word Verf: rudeson LMAO!

Organic Meatbag said...

I think it's hilarious when somebody mistakes me for being "intelligent"...I'm as dumb as a carp...

MtnMama said...

oh Bev! ack! I swear to god, my BFF here in CO is the office manager for a bunch of lawyers, and I am going to forward this to her. I'm sure she will think you are twins separated at birth! (which is prob why I love you both) I almost spit coffee when you talked about suggesting a place to stick the air fresheners - so my line.

The hair is su-weet! and I also adore the Zoey. it is a good look on you, my dear.

I like Minis, but they'd be totally impractical at 6000 feet. I could rock the Grace Kelly with ya, though. Chiffon is the way to go - doesn't mess up the 'do as much. just saying.

Elliott said... had bangs in that picture? Better scroll back and check again. Nope, still not seeing it.

OOOOHHHH...sorry, I wasn't looking up high enough.

And never one to support animal cruelty, but the little feeder mice at the pet store are like $1, you could euthanize one, leave it on her desk with a note that says 'Found it. What next?'

And I'm so sad, my comments are dropping like flies. No, not those flies.

WV: amist - something's amist with my comment count. I could have been a contender! But now that a co-worker interrupted me, I doubt I'm the first commenter.

Elliott said...

See? Fifth.

Harmony said...

LMAO Elliott..that's PERFECT!

Harmony said...

Also? You're not fifth, I'm fifth. Chin up and smile!

Anonymous said...

i don't even rank, people! wait, can anonymous even rank? whatever.

bev, my dear you are fucking hawt. also, zoey looks like katy perry to me.

as far as office manager bullshit. boy, howdy do i hear ya! everything from "it's cold in here." to "the soda machine only has diet dr. pepper." is heard in my cube. my go-to analogy is ass-wiping ... they either need their asses wiped by me, or i need to remind them to wipe front to back.

Bev said...

NE Girl - Thanks!! Glad you liked the note. As soon as I saw it I knew "THAT'S GOING ON THE BLOG!"

Harmony - OMG, the eye twitch thing cracks me up! I have something similar, except mine is uncontrollable eye rolling and clenching and unclenching my right fist.

OM - Oh, sorry. I meant everyone but Billy. ;)

MtnMama - haha!! I would love to meet your BFF. I'm sure we'd have LOTS of stuff to talk about since lawyers and advisors are peas in a pod.

Elliott - lol! Yeah, eyes up here, buddy. Oh, who am I kidding? My tits are fantastic - get an eyefull. Have at it! I don't mind.

I love that mouse idea!!!

Harmony - chin up, indeed. I say you all duke it out for #1 in a cage match.

Bev said...

Anon - I don't know if anon comments count, but they should! Keep at it so we can see, k? :) You know I *heart* you.

Thanks for the compliments! You're right, she does look like Katy Perry, but I think she's pretty too. Go figure.

I'm so glad that you can relate to the daily gripe-fest. You'd think they would know by now that I don't give a fuck and I rarely do anything about their complaints... they go in the ol' circular file, mostly.

Mala said...

first, Frank you bastard!!! How did that happen?! Sonofa....Elliott had me so distracted I didn't even notice you slip on past us.

I love Elliott's idea... well, except for killing the little rodent. Maybe you can go to the pet store and just inquire to see if they have any already dead...I'm certain they do, at half price.

Orrrrr.......... get a bunch of those NASTY "little green tree" air fresheners and a super size box of moth balls and go crazy in her office. It will be the last time she'll EVER complain about a dead mouse smell.

orrrrrr....... you could just calmly explain to her that someone pissed you off last week with some stupid nonsense, bullshit complaining... and that smell should disappear as soon as the body decomposes a bit more.

Elliott said...

Actually, my pet store sells frozen ones, pre-dead. Go for that.

Mala said...

or... really throw her for a loop and see what else the pet store has dead... gold fish, parakeet, chinchilla, kamono dragon... then just leave it on her desk with Elliott's little note.
Maybe buy their entire stock of dead critters and leave the little cornacopia of critter carcasses on her desk with the note "well, THAT explains the smell!"

Mala said...

oh and before you re-enact pet cemetary, are you sure it's not just someone's lunch?????

Bev said...

Omg, you guys are killin' me! FWIW, I just went to the lobby & I didn't smell anything! NADA!

Mala, you're right -- I think Parag just ate a particularly stinky lunch yesterday.

I want a bumper sticker that says, "Cornucopia of Carcasses." Or a tattoo.

Frank Irwin said...

"Cornucopia of Carcasses" would make a good band name.

I was going to suggest that you reply to the note that the smell came from the last person who left stupid notes, but your and the others' ideas are all so much better.

And Mala already said it, so there.

I have no idea how I got to the top of the comment count. I notice that our Vacationer friend isn't there at all.

I love bangs. The kind you wear in your hair, too.

Kate said...

Dang Bev, you have become the incredible shrinking woman! Hot, hot, hot!!

My suggestion is to leave you own note saying,"Mouse? Nah, smells more like gopher to me."

MtnMama said...

omg, Elliott is KILLING me. "pre-dead" ! hahahahaha

Mala said...

wait, wouldn't "pre-dead" mean alive???

either way, it's a great term.

Bev said...

Frank, I know! I don't know what is up with the commenter widget, but it was broken for two days and when it came back up it was aaaaall different. I have no idea. Just savor the moment, k? Don't overthink it.

Oh, and good bangs are terrific, aren't they?

Kate - Oh Kate, how I love thee, and not just b/c you said I've shrunk (haven't lost a pound, but thanks!). That gopher comment is DA BOMB. I'm stealing it for my subtitle quote -- thank you!

Mtn Mama & Mala - I know!! He's a hoot. We love us some Elliott!

The Peach Tart said...

Your hair is fabulous. Your office is a trip.

Elliott said...

I like to think of 'pre-dead' like 'pre-cooked' or 'pre-sliced', but you're right, maybe I should just switch to 'snuffed for your convenience'.

Samsmama said...

Whatever absolutely hilarious comment I was going to leave completely vacated my brain after reading all of these. Well done, peeps, well done!

I'd just avoid the lobby, but that's because I am hands down the laziest person you'll ever come across. Sometimes I don't even have the energy to finish my comme

Samsmama said...

OH! And the new hair is rockin'! I love it!!!

Heidi Renée said...

Stop being so cute! Stop it! I have bangs-envy.

Frank Irwin said...

I see that Mala is again on top, as it should be.

Samsmama said...

And I'm in a 3 way with Frank and Elliott...

Brooklyn ML said...

Your hair looks amazing! So chic.
Maybe you could send your note-writing coworker a pile of shit, delivered with a singing telegram.

Mala said...

I am???? Oh Franky, you know how I like it!

Bev said...

TPT - Thank ya ma'am!

Elliott - "Snuffed for your convenience" is another good band name!

Samsmama - this is why we get along so well. I am also one of the laziest creatures in existence... ok, well maybe just unmotivated (to do anything). 99.9% of their assinine complaints fall on deaf ears.


Heidi Renee - thanks! "Bangs-envy." heeee. Frank has that too.

Frank - Mala does love to ride.

Maeghan - thank you! Love the singing telegram idea. Are you volunteering for the job? Pleeeeease?

How about,
"I heard you smelled a yucky smell
But Bev doesn't care,
so go to hell!"

Frank Irwin said...

That's right, Beverly! The last time I tried "bangs-ivy," though, I got a rash.

Bev said...

HA! Don't joke about rashes; it's a sore subject.

So Frank, gonna start calling me by my "real" name now, eh? Guess that means I should start calling you Frankenberry?

Or is it Frankton? Francis?

:) J/K, you can call me Beverly if you wish. Some of my favorite people do... oh, and some of the a-holes I work with do too, but they don't count.

Frank Irwin said...

My birth certificate says:


Elliott said...

Lighten up, Francis.

And no crossing swords.

Bev said...

THANK YOU, Elliott!

I was waiting for that.

"My mother called me Francis once. Once."

Leanne said...

You look beeyooteeful! LOVE LOVE LOVE your hair! (and I love you too, especially 'cause you're a perv, hehe)

indoor funeral parlors said...

oh beverry, i ruv you so. prease to be my fliend forever and ever. it is good to be fliends and moist decadence bedroom paper keyboard.

Harmony said...

Holy shit! IFP..hilfuckinglarious!

Can't breath........

Samsmama said...

"Can't breathe", meet "Funeral Parlor." "Funeral Parlor", "Can't Breathe."

Elliott said...

I can't believe you got 40 comments on one post today! I don't think I'm at 40 for the week. And even so, somehow I've fallen to 4th on the comment list.


WV: coitj - because without us, it's just coit. With a j.

Lose That Girl said...

Lovely new 'do. Zooey is fab, I have a bit of a girl crush too. :)

Cary said...

Bev, I wish you wouldn't post photos like that. I just pissed my pants. Wait -- that's not piss. Oops.

Damn, you fine, girl. Shit.

Oh, and I love the note. Not even a call to action, just a simple statement. Is it a haiku? No, too many syllables.

You could kill her, but then the mice would probably leave you a note complaining about her smell.

Cary said...

The dead mice, I meant.

Stuart said...

Okay, fess up. You just posted that last picture so we could all admire your ... bangs.

So yeah, thank you.

Inasmuch as the odd, deadish smell? Do what I do and blame it on Linda in Accounts Receivable. Even if you don't actually have one. Trust me on this.

On a total brain-dead side note ... tonight's verf is "cocooty".


Jillinator said...

Love the do... if that doesn't do it justice then Jim won't be able to keep his hands off you this weekend!

Also - I think Elliot's suggestion is GREAT! I'd have reverted to 5th grade and said it was just her breath blowing back in her face and leave her a toothbrush. yeah, totally immature but FUN!

outdoor wedding venues said...

Lovely hair style. I like it and your humor is very nice I love that.

Kate said...

I absolutely love your work stories! Your co-workers are so similar to my jack-holes. For example, I listened to someone drone on for 20 minutes about her cat's seizures and just this week I was asked to be involved in an "intervention" for the woman that sits next to me! But that is a long drawn out story! LOL

Your hair looks fab!

We really need to meet up in Boston.

Frank Irwin said...

Kate, when you say "long drawn out story," you mean, "upcoming blog post," yes?

Bev said...

Leeanne - Thanks, girl!! Love you back!

I honestly almost had to leave work yesterday when I read "Indoor Funeral Parlors" comment. Srsly. Freakin' WOW, woman, you are HILARIOUS!

Elliott - what about coitus? Ya got my attn.

LTG - welcome!! And thank you!

Cary - *blush* Thank you! I had the same thought - haiku? But sadly, nothing so clever as that.

Stuart - Hey man, I just put the pictures up. You people see what you want to see. ;)

Linda from Accts Receivable - love it!

Jill - thank you! But I don't see MY picture in the HIppo... sheesh! Where's my spread?

OWV - you I thank.

Kate - Definitely! Sheesh, we've been talking about meeting in Boston for years now! Gotta get to it!!

Frank - different Kate!

Stacie's Madness said...

that note from co-worker is HILARIOUS...but your response back (even if you didn't really do it) is fucking CLASSIC!!!

Love your hair you hottie you!!!!

outdoor wedding venues said...

Your hair is fabulous. Your office is a trip.

tonya said...

i was the bitch for that as well when i had a job.... When ever any body needed anything they came running to Tonya , tonya we need paper, 15 different people would feel the need to tell me this. I wonder what they are doing without me to take care of them?? Oh well I say fuck em if they couldnt appreciate me. I worked my ass off for them, to get fired by a fucking phone call!!! oh and i finally posted a new post !!

Kristen said...

Love the hair. I am so glad you didn't waste the new do and stay home. There is nothing worse then getting your hair done and having no where to go and show it off. Okay...maybe there are worse things...maybe.