Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Dr. Duk Dong, I presume?


This post isn't entirely P.C., so skip it if you're easily-offended. I mean it. I might've offended old people, Asians, and possibly even my fellow ladyfolk. So be it.

Last Summer my doctor retired, which was both a blessing and a curse. It was a curse because now I have to find a new doctor, which is a hassle, but it was a blessing because he was getting super freaking old and it was awkward to see him tottering around at our appointments. He was still mentally sharp, yes, but his wrinkly skin was all liver-spotted and he had yellow teeth and a serious case of Old Man Smell. That being said, I fear change, so I never would have left him had he not decided to head for the golf course full-time and let his patients find new caregivers.

I had my first appointment with the new doctor today and it was cuuuuuh-razy! Allow me to set the scene:

I worked today so I was wearing a nice enough outfit: fitted black top, cute plaid skirt, black tights, black flats. I felt polished and confident and NOT SICK AT ALL, mind you. So I'm sitting on the exam table after chatting with the nurse and in walks a short little Asian dude who seriously looked and sounded exactly like Long Duk Dong. NTTAWWT! Doesn't matter to me, yo. He could look like Barney the fuckin' dinosaur and I wouldn't care as long as he can solve this problem (like Maria) that I've had for over 10 years now. (More on that later -- another post for another day.)

He walks in and does a double-take, then says that I look familiar to him. (insert joke about how he looks like every Asian stereotype I've ever heard here) We go through my medical history, he does a brief physical exam, and all the while I can't help but notice that he's looking at me funny.

You girls know the look I'm talking about -- the kind of look that a guy might give you in a bar? Yeah, that one. So after most of the talking is done he scoots his little stool over to me, so close that he is almost touching my knees, and says in this smarmy tone, "You very pretty! You so pretty, you look so healthy!" I smile and say thank you, and inside I'm thinking, "Ok, this is getting weird."

Then he asked me where I work. I tell him, and he gets all excited and says he lives in the same town. Then he tells me where he lives, right down to the condo number. He looks at me and waits a beat, expectantly. I smile lamely and say, "Um, that's nice." He throws his head back and laughs, scoots his little stool away and starts writing in his chart again.

"Do you smoke?" He asks. "No."

"So you good lady, live a good life?" He says.

"Yes, but I do drink."

Hey man, I'm nothing if not honest.

Another big laugh, "Ha ha! But not too much?" He asks.

"No, not to excess," I say... and I'm thinking, Except for once in a while, but ya know... we all have our moments.

"You fun lady!," He says, "I gonna write on here that you so pleasant to talk to," he says, "I can't say that for all my patients you know!" He laughs loudly at his own joke again, then I swear to God I heard him say under his breath, "Maybe after your treatment done we mumble mumble mumble!"

I just stared at him, too confused to ask him to repeat it. At this point I start to feel really hot and sweaty and I know I'm blushing furiously. He finishes scrawling his lab orders on the paper and hands it to me, and I waste no time in jumping off the table and reaching for my coat and purse. It is now that I see that at 5'7" tall, I am at least a foot taller than he is.

He looks up at me and says - and I am NOT making this up - "You so pretty! You look like model or some sort of Hollywood type!"

In these types of situations I do what comes naturally to me -- I make a little joke. So I said, "Oh thanks! Ha ha! I'll have to come by more often. You're good for my ego!"

Then I ran for it.

Oh, and I get to see him again next week. Huzzah!

Now, just to make sure that my head didn't inflate to the size of Texas I immediately called two friends and laughed about my inappropriate new doctor. Then, after I picked up the kids at daycare/after-school care, I ran over an orange traffic cone in the parking lot and got it wedged under my car. I got out and tugged at it, and it didn't budge. I cursed and tugged some more, this time in earnest. Nada.

I backed the car up a bit and pulled at the cone harder. That bastard wasn't going anywhere. I had to laugh. I mean, why must the universe mock me with moving vehicles every chance it gets?

I GET IT, I'M A BAD DRIVER. Point taken, universe!

After just a few agonizing moments of me laughing at my own idiocy and trying to be lady-like in my skirt while putting all of my meager upper-body strength into removing the squished cone, some dude came over to help me. Thank goodness he did, because even he couldn't get it out right away. Before long he was lying on the cold pavement pulling on the damn thing while I stood there and twirled my hair nervously, cursing myself for being the world's worst representation of a woman-driver. Hello, ugly stereotype! Nice to see ya! Again.

What goes around, comes around, clearly. And now I am drinking heavily, because I am a fun girl. My doctor said so.

26 comments:

Lindsey Himmler said...

OH MY GOD. Don't go back. Or at least tell us about it if you do!!

onebadmamajama said...

Please tell me he is just your GP and NOT your lady bits dr! I say find a new doc ASAP. Take hubby with you to the next appointment or you could try not to look so damn hot LOL

Samsmama said...

Ok, that is absolutely creepy. And I agree with Rhonda, I'm hoping he never gets a chance to peek at the goods, upper or lower. Did I ever tell you about the time I received an unnecessary rectal exam? Good times.

MtnMama said...

That's what comes from having big boobs...

seriously, though, I don't know what's worse: being hit on (eeewww) or having some Thumper OBGYN call me out as a trollup because I'm not married and yet interested in birth control (GASP) and am a single mother to boot! (because you know, once we've fulfilled our "mission" we're supposed to turn it in and throw away the key). It sucks to be at their mercy, either way.

Frank Irwin said...

ROR!

I have my chance at a physical exam tomorrow morning.

Heidi Renée said...

Oh my gosh, what OBMJ said. Imagine him giving you his address while he's coming at you with a speculum. *shudder*

Stuart said...

test

Kari said...

I was waiting for him to say, "What's happening, hot stuff?"

Please resist the intense sexual chemistry between you and Dr. Dong. You might get knocked up and the combination of your woman-ness and his Asian-ness would ensure that your kids would be the worst drivers ever.

Organic Meatbag said...

Well Bev, you can at least say that Dr. Akiko Jellyfingers has good taste, right?!

Mala said...

Oh Bev... I don't even know where to start. This post is all kinds of awesome-ness. I can't say I blame the little dude, you=hotness. Me love you long time too.

And what's wrong with you?! No pictures of the traffic cone? That's so un-Bev.

"You might get knocked up and the combination of your woman-ness and his Asian-ness would ensure that your kids would be the worst drivers ever." OMFG! I will totally heart Kari forever for this comment!

(and I'm going there.... I had no idea OWV had his PhD!)

Brooklyn ML said...

Yeah, PLEASE say this guy is not looking at your lady muffin! And do let us know when you go back, this stuff is comic gold!

Bev said...

Lindsey - I know, I know! I kind of must at least once more. You'd better believe I'll keep you posted!

OBMJ - No, no, he's definitely NOT my OBGYN. Furthermore, if he ever needs to sedate me I'm bringing either my husband or Mala to guard my lady parts while I'm under!

Samsmama - LMAO! "Unnecessary" and "rectal exam" should never go in the same sentence together!

MtnMama - WTF? I'd definitely get a less-judgmental doctor! Eesh! I think I'd rather get hit on than judged like that.

Frank - I'll give you Dr. Dong's number if you want. ;)

Heidi - SHUDDER indeed! EEEK!

Stuart - it worked!

Kari - and the award for BEST COMMENT EVAR goes to you for today, lady! F'awesome.

OM - Oh sure! He's clearly very discriminating and professional. heh heh.

Bev said...

Mala - the traffic cone incident happened so fast, and I was so embarrassed... yeah, no pictures!

Ha!! OWV is an MD? Yeah, news to me too!

Brooklyn - Yeah, it is comedy gold! Which is totally worth getting violated for!

Susan said...

do you pick your word verification? You must, this time around it is Kinki...ok, spelled wrong, but still!

Anonymous said...

samsmama, UREs are the best!

bev, i love that you did the preemptive, "this may offend asians, old people, etc..."

did he really talk like that? you'd think he would have at reast been able to rearn the engrish ranguage in medical school. huh. also, his behavior is just plain inappropriate and WRONG. next time, don't shower or brush your teeth and go in sweats. STOP BEING SO HOT!

and you're totally not a bad driver - you're fine! it's those damn asians who can't drive. ooh, speaking of stereotypes, my (black) coworker and i were discussing the ethnicity of the dude who manages our bldg garage. i said, "you know, that asian guy." and she said, "no, he's hispanic. i know because he's from manassas." (they're all hispanic in manassas.) i said, "oooh, he would have been asian if he were from ROCKVILLE!" (they're all asian in rockville.)

sorry for the stupid comment, but your stuff always elicits lots of random thoughts.

Bev said...

Susan - Hi! I wish I had picked the w.v. but they're automatically generated. Although Google spies on us, so I have a hunch that they are subject-matter related, too! Kinki, indeed!

A-non - I know! He really talked like that. It took several minutes for me to get the "hang" of understanding him. Talk about a rearning curve!

I'm so glad I'm not the only one doing some stereotyping!

Your comment was hardly stupid! I loved it. My posts summon your random thoughts because they're so long and rambling, I think!!

Carol said...

OMG it's worth it for you to go back for a second time to blog about Dr. Dong. At least you could take him if he got out of hand. Unless he knows martial arts. hmmmmmm....Maybe you shouldn't go back
Funny you one hot lady!
Loved the old man smell part.

Jillinator said...

tooo funny - first Dr Dong, then you're little vehicle incident - busy day!

Stacie's Madness said...

hahahaha.
my "family" doctor says things to me that makes me cringe too.

"oh. you should come in more often. I don't see you enough."

or

"hey, you know I do pap smears too, no need to go to the ob/gyn"

and

"you even have a nice sinus cavity"


hahahah, what??? lmfao

Kristen said...

Ok. That Dr. is creepy! But he is right. You so pretty. You Hollywood model girl. And can you please record your next appointment? PLEEEAAASE?

Elliott said...

I'm just waiting for Doc to find a reason to hug you, or use the ancient Chinese secret method of monitoring your heart rate (no stethoscope).

"Oh, sexy American PA-tient!"

"Autoimmune?"

There are no end of LDD quotes that could be adapted to the medical arena.

(And I am going to comment you long time, since somehow I missed this post last week.)

Road cones are suicidal, I'm convinced. I've never pegged the little ones, but I understand it's their job to wedge irreversably under cars. Being the overachiever I am, I only hit the giant barrels.

And yes, my WV is 'derfe', like the bad exclamation one makes when one does something unbelievably stupid, like hitting a construction barrel.

Cosmetic Makeover said...

There are too many variables, including where these people live and were raised, what socio economic class, etc. In general, young people don't know celebrities from a certain time period.

Frank Irwin said...

Cosmetic Makeover is plagiarizing their comments.

Heh.

Bev said...

What? You mean CM isn't being completely original and honest with us? I feel so hurt and cheated!

UGH. Sorry, guys... I'll try to be be faster at deleting the spambots. You wouldn't believe how many I've deleted today alone. Why me? Whyyyyyy? Is this because of my amazing rack?

Elliott said...

I'm sure that's precisely why. It's why I post here...

Frank Irwin said...

The spams don't bother me so much. When I stalk, I'll received them regardless of whether or not you delete them.

Plus, what Elliot said.