Monday, November 16, 2009

Misery, thy name is Monday


Sorry I've been a bit absent lately. I have no real excuse for not blogging these past few days except that I've got a head cold and work has been issuing daily beatings in the form of irate clients and cantankerous coworkers.

My weekend was pretty good, but boring. D won first place in the Cub Scouts soap box derby, so it was a proud day in the Bevtastic household.

<---- "I piss excellence."

His prize was a $15 Walmart gift card which immediately started burning a hole in his pocket, so J took him there to exchange it for an Indiana Jones Lego kit and some candy. The thing about my kid is that sugar hits him exactly as I suspect crack cocaine might hit him; within a minute or so of consumption his eyes start darting back and forth and he gets really spazzy. In fact he acts kind of like a dog who is chasing his tail, except with more noise and less slobbering. Well, usually less slobbering.

What else? Hmmm.... Okay, two little things about my crap job that are both irritating and cracking me up today. The first is that my boss is in the hospital suffering from kidney stones, poor fellow -- I've heard they're terribly painful -- so I'm manning the fort here with just my crazy cat lady coworker. As usual she is jabbering at me even as I write this blog post. Hard to believe, right? I'm THAT good at ignoring her! It has taken me 6 years to perfect my aura of impenetrable calmness, but I think it was worth the effort.

Anyway, boss called me a few hours ago all doped up on morphine and tried to work through his haze, because heaven forbid he just take the freaking day off once in a while. It must be hard to be so indispensable, but I honestly wouldn't know. ;) He tried to give me a few instructions for some client work that needs to be done, and those instructions went a little something like this:

1. Sell all of Client McStinkypants' Chevron stock. It's in one of her accounts.

2. Call Client Dingleberry and tell them mumble-mumble-money-eat-paste-mumble.

3. I got that check from Client Golddigger on Saturday, but I'm sorry I don't remember where it is. Maybe my briefcase? Or on my desk? Maybe on the floor of my car? Can you find it because it's for $90,000 and we should probably overnight it to the home office. (I can't find it, btw)

After that fun conversation I got to talk to a certifiably crazy woman who recently inherited $5,000 and you'd think that if she didn't get that money yesterday that the world was coming to an end. Now, over the course of my strange little life I have talked to some incredibly stoned people who made far more sense than she did, so frankly I wonder what she is on. I wish I had some of whatever it is, 'cause that must be some good shit! Talking to her got me all agitated and made me see red for a while I admit, but then I pictured her wearing a tinfoil hat and eating a corn dog and I felt better. It's the little things, you know?



So that's what's going on with me! How are all my paz-eeps today? Good, I hope! I need to go eat something before I gnaw through my desk like a wee little beaver. Yeah, I said beaver. Ya heard me.

28 comments:

Whiskey Girl said...

I'm giggling cause you said beaver... yes I'm 5.

Elliott said...

All I saw was 'eat...beaver'. The rest was a blur.

Oh, and boss's opiate-induced ramblings sound like me leaving voicemail. Sober. I hate the voicemail.

Organic Meatbag said...

Bev, sounds like you need to stop by my blog, because I'm trying to help people find their happy place ... I totally feel your pain!

MtnMama said...

Well, I've been wondering how you were doing. I was worried Swinethrax might have taken you all away from us (*sob*) but now I see it is just ennui.
Crappy jobs can be such a brain suck. Cute picture of your son; I've never been part of soapbox derby stuff, but it looks fun.

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm impressed that you have been beating cantankerous coworkers. Sounds like they deserved it.

Bev said...

Whiskey - I'm 5 too, so I understand.

Elliott - Actually I said "gnaw...beaver," so... ow!

I'd love to hear an Elliott vm! Sounds wildly entertaining!

OM - I'll be right over!

MtnMama - Thanks for wondering about me! No Swinethrax here, just a case of the sniffles and the Mondays. Brain suck is a good way to put it. I can feel the suck right now, actually. It hurts.

Bev said...

Mo - Ha! Yes, if only. Instead it is my crap job which beats me. Why do I stay here? Beats me.

Cary said...

There's beaver here that needs eating?

:: Steps up :::

Elliott said...

I read vertically, what can I say.

Harmony said...

"It has taken me 6 years to perfect my aura of impenetrable calmness" ~ Awesome..can you teach me how to do that? I could really use some impenetrable calmness.

Once while I was all doped up on Morphine I had made a shit ton of business calls, I am only now (after reading your post) wondering how those went. Damn it!

Harmony said...

Stalk..double damn it!!

Stuart said...

Sadly, all I read was "impenetrable ... beaver".

*sigh*

Stuart said...

forgot to add:

wv - toser: a non-lethal weapon used on Canadian doofuses (doofii?)

Anonymous said...

ahhh... crazy cat ladies, dumb ass clients and doped up bosses. what a terrific monday!

yay for cubscouts and soap box-ey things! :)

PorkStar said...

I'm laughing too because you said beaver.. and i'm actually blushing because you said the B word!!

*giggle
giggle
giggle

Sell all their shit and crappy stocks, I would do that.. haha

Then I'll see the red lights flickering on my stock chart and then some rainbows, wooo hooooo!

calicobebop said...

OMG - wearing a tin foil hat and eating a corn dog. You are remarkably serene. And kudos to the little man for being a winnah! Awesome!

Mala said...

Stones, corndogs, crazy cat ladies, Goldfinger, tinfoil headwear and morphin... gawd my Mondays are just plain boring!

Samsmama said...

I just can't get over the very interesting names your clients have. I feel so bad for my child, stuck with a last name like Lipshitz.

New England Girl said...

Oh, this post made me crack up... just what I needed! I hope your cold is feeling better. I think I'm coming down with something, which will turn me into an absolute wretched witch. So, I'm hoping the sick fairy skips my house. Yikes. And tinfoil hat and a corn dog, huh? I'll have to remember that next time I'm getting made at someone... :)

Lindsey Himmler said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lindsey Himmler said...

I hope HE actually used those names in his call.

Bev said...

Cary - I hear they taste like chicken.

Elliott - you are a talented dude!

Harmony - HA! Would have loved to hear those calls!

Stuart - If it were impentetrable I'd be seeing a doctor, STAT.

Anon - Yes, just business as usual around here. BOO.

PorkStar - Glad I coaxed a giggle from you!

Calico - You know I love corn dogs. ;)

Mala - I'd rather have boring, trust me!

Samsmama - LMAO! You kill me!

NE Girl - I cannot imagine you ever being a wretched witch, sweetie! Feel good.

Lindsay - He might've... it was hard to tell what with all the slurring.

Cary said...

Bev, I'm happy to report that it's not true.

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