Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Horny Mustangs & Musical Tuesday

On Saturday I found myself in the redneck purgatory known as Walmart, perusing the toy section with my kids. It didn't matter that D had received umpteen-million carefully-selected and pricey new toys for Christmas because he had also received a crisp $5 bill, which was burning a hole in his little pocket. He sat in the front of the cart waving the bill in the air like a flag on an explorer's canoe, as if we were navigating a vast, uncharted wilderness.

It is exceedingly difficult to find a toy that is exactly $5.00 in Walmart. While D searched among the disorganized post-holiday shelves and mumbled something about Darth Vader's light saber I wandered further down the aisle to the clearance section, and that's where I saw this:



I snorted and fumbled for my cell phone. Oh, he's wild, alright. How I longed to turn that mare around in the box and make this officially "found porn," but instead I just took a photo for you, my lovely readers. You see, I am always thinking of you.

When I had finished documenting the unintentional hilarity of the Wild Mustang almost-gang-bang I escorted my children to the check-out so that D could purchase his Han Solo action figure with bonus Storm Trooper disguise, and yes, I had to lend him two bucks to make that happen. Fuckin' expensive toys.

So it's Tuesday and my in-laws are at my house right now, drinking coffee in their PJs. Happily, I am not; I'm working today in my quiet office while my boss is on vacation in Florida and my crazy coworker is holed up at her house because it's -10 degrees out and she is old. Life is good on days like these, although I've been feeling so groggy lately and I just don't know why. It's like I'm underwater for half the day. I'm having trouble finding the funny, I'm not picking up on good movie/music quotes that I know like the back of my hand, and I'm feeling pudgy and fugly after all the holiday binging.

In short, I don't know what I need, but I need something!

I have been listening to lots of good tunes lately, though. I cannot get enough of these three songs:

Not Big by Lily Allen

I just love how Lily's voice sounds so sweet and girlish (not to mention her killer accent!) but she's SO f'ing harsh! Just do me a favor -- listen to this (NSFW) song and try to tell me that it doesn't ROCK. Note: I won't believe you.



Lisztomania by Phoenix:

Funky.



You and I by Wilco (hi Shannon!) with Feist.

Sweet.



So there you have it. Go forth and download. Tell 'em Bev sent ya'.

Have a good day!

21 comments:

Mala said...

You know what you need... Another road trip with yours truly, all 'Thelma and Louise' style!

You know you do!

Stacie's Madness said...

i love lily allen too. check out kate nash too...good shit.

fucking $5, but the "wild mustang"? totally worth the trip to Hellmart.

Heidi Renée said...

So you're expecting the little guy to pay you back those couple of dollars you lent him?

Maybe he can beg it from your in-laws. Extorting the grandparents is a good skill.

onebadmamajama said...

Of course, since I am the Hellmart Queen around here, I'm gonna be spending my lunch hour scouring the toy shelves trying to outdo the Wild Mustang porn LOL I did happen upon the notorious found porn Elmo w/lunchbox just last week, while working!

Pretty sad that you can't buy a toy with $5 anymore.

Bev said...

Mala - YES. That is exactly what I need! Where are we with that?

Stacie - I have some Kate Nash on my iPod but haven't gotten to it yet! Thanks, I'll check it out.

Heidi - Nah, I know he's no good for the money. I shall extract it from him in other ways. Muahahahaha!

OBMJ - ha, yes! I was thinking of you while I was there, no doubt. My mom also works there and loves it, so I shouldn't make fun... but I still do. :) It keeps me warm at night.

Kate said...

I hadn't heard of Phoenix before, but they now have a new fan.

The mustangs? In the immortal words of a great mind, "That's hot."

You haven't been to Hellmart until you've been to Hellmart in Texas. Everything IS bigger, especially the asses roaming through the aisles.

Elliott said...

Love Lily Allen, I'll have to listen to that and the others when I get home, where wireless broadband flows like water.

And even though I'm approaching 40 like a bullet-train, I still check out the Hot Wheels every chance I get. You can get four or five of them for $5 if you play your cards right. So I already have 200 or so from my childhood? They still come up with something worth having from time to time. Eventually I'll sell them all and buy a real car, since the old ones can be worth that much.

CatHerder said...

oh HAHAHAH...your post made me laugh out loud. Years ago (pre-digital camera and pre-cellphone) I was standing in line buying my sons xmas toys...only to look over and see the "barbie" of the year...it looked like hooker barbie...my sister and i laughed for an hour! happy holidays...love your blog, thanks for making me laugh today, i needed it

Harmony said...

Road trip!!!! You two, should head out to California! Or you know..somewhere closer and less of a hassle. But one day you should come this way.

Great song picks..LOVE THEM!

Frank Irwin said...

I like the image of D waving his $5 bill like a flag.

You'll get back ito the swing of things when you get back to a normal schedule, after the holidays.

Or after your next road trip with Mala.

Shannon said...

I just flipping screached out loud like a howler monkey-twice. First time-Han Solo action figure with Storm Trooper disguise? Color me much jealous. And time number two was of course my Wilco shout out. Hey! Shout out! Hey!

Senorita said...

I've been feeling groggy lately too, a little pissy even, lol.

But I am also paying my monthly bill right now. Just thought you'd want to know that, lol.

Bev said...

Kate - Oh, you simply must bring your camera and snap a couple of shots of those "People of Walmart" for us. I once got the most amazing wedgie/dissected ass shot in Sam's Club. It was perfection.

Glad you liked the song!

Elliott - I love Hot Wheels too, but my kids aren't into anything that low-tech just yet. I seem to remember playing with cars a lot when I was 8 or 9, so I'm holding out hope....

Catherder - welcome, and you're most welcome for the laughs. Hooker Barbie? I think they call those Bratt dolls now. SNAP! :)

Harmony - We've done CA in the past, so be careful what you wish for.....

Frank - you know me well, my friend. I do think this is largely holiday-induced malais and fudge-induced lethargy.

Shannon - I live to make you screech like a howler monkey! WHEEEEE! Glad you liked it.

Senorita - Ya know, I'm so cranky that you'd think I was also hosting Aunt Flo, but no. Just lucky I guess.

MtnMama said...

Yes, the image of your son waving the five is indeed a good one. I do NOT go to Walmart, but was persuaded to go when I bought M's bike. And yes, the price was low, but good god, that place is scary. I have not been back.

My "present" was a Jillian Michaels CD. M is all excited about it, because she recognizes her from Biggest Loser. I am doomed... although it has not yet been opened.

Bev said...

MtnMama - that sounds more like a punishment than a present! Egads. That Jillian Michaels woman is Satan's Little Helper, I think.

Cary said...

I hate Wilco but the other two are great. I love Lily Allen, and not just because likes being photographed with her tit hanging out -- well, poking out. They don't really hang.

I think the horny mustang was hoping for some oral, but if I were him I wouldn't. Horses have some big ol' teefs.

Samsmama said...

You're always thinking of us, or you're always thinking of porn? Be honest with yourself.

I'm in a major funk mood, too. Hell, the other day by the time I officially got out of bed it was already dark. No lie. Not to mention the fact that my PJ bottoms have formed to the shape of my body. When I take them off (for the rare shower) I just stand them in the corner. Geez, I might need some meds...

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

Redneck Purgatory - OMG LOVE IT!

I'm happy you found my blog so I could find yours! Nice Mustangs ;)

Carol from said...

Loved your music selections especially Lily Allen.

Nice visual on the bill flag waving. Thanks for the laughs, with the mustang porn. I know about that post Christmas blurry, fubsy feeling, I got it too. You found your wit though, mine, well it must be way deep down right now.

calicobebop said...

Poor kids and their money - can't seem to save it to save their lives!! Must Buy New TOY!!

Love the mustangs - works cannot express the love.

Happy New Year!

saltsays said...

That horse is HILARIOUS. OMG I can't stop laughing. Thank you so much for thinking to take a picture of that. :)