Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The fattest month

AKA: I hate you, January.

I feel so pudgy right now. I hate how my face gets fat when I put on a couple pounds. You can disguise 4-5 lbs under sweaters and ignore snugness in your waistband, but you can't deny a puffy face or double chin. This is the time of year, after the dust has settled on the holiday binging, when my friends all laugh at me because whenever someone takes our picture I immediately blurt out, "You look great, but I look like the kid from Mask!"

Every single time. My face... it just expands!

Time to cut some calories. I suppose I can start by discontinuing the Hershey's Kisses I've been sneaking here and there, and of course I'll have to put the kibosh on allowing any more Tostitos into the shopping cart.

*sigh* I miss those crunchy, salty bastards already, but I miss my cheekbones more.

One quick funny before I go. Last night Jim and I were watching a Family Guy rerun in which Brian shows Stewie the infamous "Two Girls, One Cup" video:

Now, I've never watched the 2G1C video because I was fortunate enough to find out what it was before anyone tried to scar me for life with it. This piece of filth is so far away from anything I would ever willingly subject myself to, it isn't even funny. But yeah, I live in these United States, I listen to the radio and watch the teevee, so I am aware of it.

My husband, not so much. Sweet, clueless Jim. He turned to me, questions written all over his face, his little brow knitted with confusion, and asked me what Stewie was watching that was so horrifying.

I could have been mean & made him watch it, but I didn't.

I may have given him a somewhat kinder, gentler idea of what the video was about. After all, why plant that mental image in his head? Shielding our loved ones from life's many horrors is but one job we wives and mothers share, is it not?

Just kidding - I told him, and I told him good. ;) How could I not?

Latah, tatahs!


Stacie's Madness said...

i don't think i want to know...but i wanna know..no! NO I DON'T.

*runs away*

It's my "pudgy" month too, but I've reaquainted myself with my lover, the elliptical, so hopefully by FEB, I'll be SMOKIN HOT ;) again.

Mala said...

HA!!! I love that picture!! Good times my Bevers.

And seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about?! Pudgy? No way!
By the way, I made chocoloate cake yesterday, but I put some bananas in it... voila! Instant guilt-free health food. Right?

2G1C - Ack?! How in hell do those girls even show their face in public? Can you imagine? 10 years from now, sitting at their kid's soccer game: "Hey, aren't you that girl from...?"

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

I feel your pain 10 fold. I always ask (after my picture is taken) Who the hell invited my double chin to the party!!!! Ugh it's horrible.

And we watched the family guy with that last night too... 2G1C - SO GROSS! I haven't seen the whole video either and I don't want to.. SICK!

Elliott said...

I shaved my chin once, last summer, after not seeing my chin for 13 years. With any luck I won't see (them) again, at least not until I drop 40-50 pounds.

And yes, I think I was smart enough to Google the 2g1c description before I accidentally stumbled upon it whilst browsing for pictures of drunk college girls exposing themselves.


That, and tubgirl.

wv: fortigh - the number of pounds I need to lose before I can stop talking like an 1800's prospector.

MtnMama said...

Nice picture. I'm also trying to improve on my winter physique but not getting too enthusiastic about the effort involved.

Good GOD. The words "scat" and "film" should only ever be used together if someone is trying to make pets flee. Seriously.
I'm all for exploring one's --- no. Some things just require therapy and medication, not an audience.

mo.stoneskin said...

Go on, have a crunchy, salty bastard, one won't do you any harm.

onebadmamajama said...

No, Stacie's Madness, you DO NOT wanna know! It's that damn gross!

Bev, if 4-5 pounds is the problem, then count yourself lucky! You'll be back in fightin' shape in no time:)

Senorita said...

2G1C is something I won't be watching....... EVER !

My face has been pudgier lately, even though I've lost some poundage from my hips and butt.

Not fair !

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

If he was a real man, immediately upon being told what it was, he should have gotten up from the bed and been like "No fucking way. I've gotta see this shit."

Hee hee. I made a pun.

Bev said...

Stacie - No, you really don't. Don't watch it!

Mala - Love that pic too, and who knew it would come in so handy all these years later? And yes, I was also thinking about the "where are they now?" potential for the 2 girls in the video. Of all the ways to become (in)famous.

Kelly - Double chins are the WORST. You get points for even trying to watch the vid, too!

Elliott - I don't know what tubgirl is, and I don't think I want to know.... I have a bad visual image.

MtnMama - Exactly. I try to be open-minded, but some things just make my mind snap shut like a bear trap!

Mo - if I could stop at one, I'd be golden! alas....

OBMJ - Oh, there are a good 20 lbs that I could stand to be rid of, but I don't care enough about those to work at it. These 5, though, these are the ones that put me over the edge into "chubby" territory as far as I'm concerned!

Senorita - If I could take fat from my ass and inject it into my forehead, I wouldn't mind. Might smooth out some wrinkles. However, my fat seems to hang out in the jaw area. Not pretty.

Jenks - EW. No, he had the same reaction I had -- "WTF is wrong with people?!"

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Someone needs to hand in his man card.

calicobebop said...

Damn those calories!! I hate them too!

And now I'm off to google 2G1C before I go insane with curiosity!

btw - word ver = backate. My backfat ate my bra?

calicobebop said...


Anonymous said...

is it, like two women eating poop or something?

omg, i just googled it and the one sentence descriptions were enough for me to NOT GO THERE.

calico, i can't believe you went there.

yes, i have about an extra 20 lbs to lose. yup. twenty. fucking. pounds. i've basically been eating, drinking and being merry for the past month or so. and i suppose i can blame a death in the family and the whole quitting smoking thing... but i'm gonna take it off again, damnit! grrrr...

Frank Irwin said...

It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one with incredibly shrinking shirts.

onebadmamajama said...

We told you not to look! LOL

Salt said...

I love that Family Guy clip! And thankfully that is the closest I have ever come to seeing the actual video. Seeing Stewie's reaction is reason enough for me to never want to subject myself to that. :)

I think January does this to everyone. I know it does to me. That's why I'm waiting until the last possible moment to take my wedding dress back in for an alteration. God knows what will happen with my weight over the next couple weeks.

Heather said...

I would have showed him and covered my eyes whilest snickering uncontrollably.

Heidi Renée said...

I considered wearing sweatpants out to dinner last night. I know I have a problem, but Thai food is so good that it's almost worth the sweatpants. I would be an excellent alcoholic.

To my credit, I wore jeans.

Bev said...

Jenks - Lots of manly-men don't want to watch that crap (literally!), so I don't think that's a great measure of a man!

Calico - Don't say we didn't warn ya!!

Anon - 20? Really? Dude, I'll believe THAT when I see it. You're a twig, girl!

Frank - TIme to get back on the bike, eh? I'm actually glad that even fit people get the chubz after the holidays!

Salt - Yes, a wedding dress is definitely great incentive to pass on the chips & dip!!

Heather - HA! That was my first instinct, for sure.

Heidi - Well done! I would wear sweatpants in public for good Thai food, definitely.

Cary said...

Never saw it. Never wanna. I saw Goatse and Tubgirl. Those were enough.

Weight goes to my face, too. I hate it. I might jam a shunt into each cheek and let the fat drain out. Wonder how long that would take? I'd probably stay home until it was done.

Kate said...

I'm with Stacie! I want to know, but I don't want to know. As an avid Family Guy fan, I have always been curious....but not curious enough.

I have dubbed myself, "Fatty Fat Fatterson." And it's not just baby weight, I lost that then gained holiday weight. Ugh.

Bev, you are a total hottie. Don't forget--most men like a little junk in the trunk. Right? RIGHT???!!! Oh good God I hope so.