Thursday, January 7, 2010

If I weren't a big chicken

I'd post some vaguely creepy and funny (to me) status reports on Facebook. Why? Because I feel like it. It's kind of like my version of shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die.



I mind my manners on FB, and not just because my mom is one of those silent observers on my friends list who doesn't ever post anything but I know she can seeeeeeeee me. Not that her pseudo-presence has stopped me from being my usual pervy self at all; there's no force in nature that could transform me into a boring ol' prude.

No, I edit myself because I do believe that a little something called TMI exists when in the mixed company of FB and other social networking sites. Here on my own personal blog, however, I can be as crass and boob-centric as I want, right?

AND YOU WILL LIKE IT, gosh-darn it.

::GRIN::

Ok, without further ado, here are some of my most recent status report rejects; I'd have loved to post 'em, but didn't due to my high levels of class and good taste. [cough] Shut up.

Beverly...

is regretting the lunchtime burrito that resulted in scorching, room-clearing gas.

thinks you're a dumbass.

just made sweet love to a bowl of Breyer's Vanilla Fudge Twirl.

is poppin' 'dat ass.

thinks people who write half-page status reports chronicling their every waking thought and bodily function (and those of their children) should probably get a fucking life and should definitely STFU.



absolutely loathes someone on her FB friends list. Is it you? Heh heh.



There, I feel better. Just had to get those out there.

In other news, this morning I heard SpongeBob utter the words, "Patrick, how are you gonna beat off two guys at once?"



That's all I got. I'm cranky as a mofo today, so my work peeps best leave The Bev alone or risk getting their heads bitten off. Seriously. I'm in no mood for BS.

All of the mock good will and harmony from the holidays has dissipated and I'm back to thinking they're all a bunch of whiny asshats with nothing better to do than bitch about the coffee machine or count the number of burned-out light bulbs in the lobby ceiling and report back to me. True story.

They suck.

You, however? You I like.

Have a pleasant Thursday!

43 comments:

Frank Irwin said...

She likes me! She likes me!

Or does she think I'm a dumbass?

Or loathe me?

I'm so confuuuuuuuused!

Kate said...

I am constantly astounded at what people will put on Facebook. (Sheesh, I might need to go back through mine and see if I am one of THOSE people.) I have a feeling that some people are going to have it bite them on the butts as a result of employers or would-be employers monitoring these sites. Also, just because you have a "friendship" with someone on FB, does not mean you have a friendship in real life. It gives the illusion of not only a social life (sadly the only one I have right now) but also of a relationship. It is a great way to connect/reconnect with people, but one must tread lightly. The written word cannot be undone.

Kate said...

Don't you also hate people who leave long, sanctimonious blog comments. Gah, I HATE those people.

Elliott said...

I have probably posted four status updates on FB in the year since I joined. I have those friends who post every waking moment of their lives, and honestly, I don't care that much about most anyone in my life. And I doubt any of them care that much about me, so I spare everyone. Again, just read the blog, people.

Elliott said...

Woo! No comment moderation! There's a FB status for you:

"Beverly turned off comment moderation on her blog, freely welcoming spambots one and all!"

Or not.

Bev said...

Franky, make no mistake - I think you're the bee's knees!!

Kate - TOTALLY. I have this one person who posts several times/day and it's all about how great her life is, how lucky she is to have her husband and son, every single thing they did from dusk till dawn....

Oh, and her grammar and spelling SUCK. She's nice enough IRL, but now that we're FB friends I suspect that she's a raging idiot and a dork to boot. DISLIKE.

I love sanctimonious blog comments! I live for them!!

Elliott - Yes, I've been meaning to talk to you about your FB slackerdom. Tsk tsk. I read the blog, but without FB how will I know what you had for LUNCH today?!

Ok, and the scoop on comment mod: I noticed the spammers were coming by and posting on a week's worth of blog entries at a time, so I turned comment mod off for current posts but kept it on for anything older than 2 days.

Because I'm sneaky like that.

We'll see if it works.

Mala said...

Seriously, I've been thinking a lot about defriending folks, and I'm not just talking about FB. Time to cut the fat, I say!

Funk? What do you mean? *GROAN*

Anyway, just wanted to let you know my husband is the greatest (*cough*), and my kids are geniuses. They do real good in school.
I'm having left over gas station chinese food for lunch.

onebadmamajama said...

I'm with you on the whole FB thing. As for the whole employer checkin' folks out on FB...I thought that was what privacy settings were for, but that's just me;)

Anonymous said...

i am perpetually *this* close to updating my fb status to "thinks you're a dumbass."

i abhor the idiots who put every meaningless detail of their pathetic lives on fb. the worst in my opinion? (since you asked. heh.) the bitches who say all that happy, positive parenting bullshit like, "This is the fifth night that little Jaden didn't wet his pull-up!"

OMG
SHUT
THE
FUCK
UP

or, the people who put sad this on their pages. recently, i had to put my dog down and it was all that was on my mind. except, rather than updating my status to tell people that i had just put my best friend down, i said something about the fucking weather. because i didn't want a bunch of RANDOMS being all OMG I'M SORRY! i had to put my 12 yr old... bleh . . bleh"

sorry, evidently i'm in a really bad mood. 2 days at home with a sick 3 yr old will do that to you. ooh! just thought of my next status update...

Frank Irwin said...

Speaking of which, I love me some lamebook. It never ceases to amaze me how some "Friends" treat each other, or how people keep ex's as Friends.

And, speaking of TMI....

MtnMama said...

Bev, my darling! I know exactly what you mean. My peeve? The friends who post vague, inexplicable shit that you are supposed to understand and remark on, when they can't be bothered to string enough words together to make a complete thought. One recently? "Sigh..."
Really?

And one guy who is a friend of a friend who I don't talk to IRL unless trapped in a corner keeps sending me friend requests. Um, I don't want to be your friend in a living room, why would I want you to be able to read my stuff and look at my pictures?! F-off!

But now I'm flustered about how much I post about my kid. (Like I have anything else to talk about...) Ga!

MtnMama said...

Oh, and now I want to send you all friend requests! ;)

raskal said...

I don't get annoyed on facebook at all because I hide people as soon as they start to annoy me. ;)

and I'm sure that plenty of people have hidden me after figuring out that all I really post is inane crap. I kinda treat FB like my blog. I think I probably have about 2 readers. HA!

Seriously - the hide feature is the bomb. Then you only see the peeps you actually like.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Yeah, I try to keep the facebook thing and my blog thing separate.

I really don't need my mom's non-sequiters spilling into both realms. One is good enough for me.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

As for the real friend versus facebook friend...when I finally decided to do an active facebook account, I vowed that I would only add those people who were really friends, and not people whom I thought were assholes in the past.

I wield my ignore button with impunity.

And I like it.

I've only let one person slip through who wasn't really a friend, and I did that only because she's cute.

Bev said...

Mala - mmmm, gas station Chinese food! YUM! Mind the staples!

OBMJ - Oh yeah, I've got my page on lock-down mode! It's like Fort Knox up in here.

Anon - I HATE THOSE BITCHES TOO. *ahem* Sorry. But yeah, they irk me. Yes, we get it, you're a fabulous mother. Now STFU.

I'm sorry about your doggy. :( Hope the little one feels better soon, too. Until then, grump away!! You've come to the right place....

Frank - I am about to go click all of those delightful linky-poos. Thank you in advance for today's much-needed giggle!

MtnMama - Shoot, I think my posts are sometimes vague & inexplicable! Sorrrrry!! And I love your statae, so please don't change a thing!

I've definitely become more discriminating when approving friends. I've had several of those "I don't like you IRL" people ask recently, and I do the whole, "Oops, my finger slipped and I ignored it!"

Rask - I ignore a fair number of people too, but there are a couple of annoying types that I need to keep an eye on. ;)

Jenks - I don't know your mom, but I would waiger that your TMI Thursday offerings would be a little... um, disturbing for her to read. Just a hunch.

Oh, and I'd better not be the person who only slipped through because she's cute. On second thought.... ;)

Bev said...

Now I'm just waiting for Jenksy to come back to correct "statae" for me. Tick tock... tick tock...

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

and because, apparently, fate loves me, just as I was posting the last comment, I got a new friend addition. I have no idea who she is, but she's cute.

So damned much pressure.

Heather said...

*frowns*
I don't think I do that. Maybe I don't. I'm not a facebook fiend but I post random stuff regularly. I once told everyone that my dog poo'd on the driveway.

TMI?

Love your blog! Does that get me cyber points?

Elliott said...

I just removed the 'Facebook' link on my blog, it seemed counter-intuitive to send people somewhere I never go.

I read an article about a Facebook suicide tool the other day, it graphically unfriends everyone while you watch, deletes all of your apps and bookmarks, deletes all your photos and finally changes your password and registered email so you can never use the account again. Not surprisingly, Facebook has blocked the URL.

calicobebop said...

My mom doesn't lurk on FB but I'm still one of the lame people that doesn't post anything saucy. Maybe I need some proper motivation...

Elliott said...

And yes, I'm double-commenting again, because the WV that just popped up is MOPHO.

That would be a great name for a Vietnamese restaurant in St. Louis.

Just sayin.

Senorita said...

That is why I am NOT on Facebook. I don't have to add anyone I don't like nor do I have to read about the steaming turd my friend left in the toilet.

Bev said...

Jenks - You are a stud!

Heather - Of course you get major brownie points for loving the blog AND following AND posting comments! You're in like Flynn, baby doll!

Oh, and dogs poo'ing on the driveway posts are totally acceptable in my book. Hilar!

Elliott - that FB suicide tool is terrifying. Just reading about it made me feel all sad and frowny inside!

Also, MOPHO?! Greatest WV EVER!!!!

Calico - Oh, I'll sauce you, girl. Just you wait!

Bev said...

Senorita - you only have to read about turds if you friend PorkStar. ;)

Frank Irwin said...

The IGNORE button is my favorite FB feature.

If I decide I want to hide someone, I'll just unFriend them. No sense in letting them see what I'm up to when I don't care what they're up to.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I don't give a damn about my mom reading my TMI stories; hell, that'd probably be the best cure for her sniffing around my blog.

It's my college profs that I don't want reading my TMI posts. And, I'm not sure why.

Stacie's Madness said...

hahahahah that spongebob...so niave.

i'm a little tamer on facebook than I am on my blog too...

actually I don't even mention I have a blog on my facebook, cause that's just too much socializing that I don't care to do...

so mums the word, yo.

oh and i put up what the radio guy said this morning that had me giggling with pleasure...then grumbling. ;)

Samsmama said...

I agree with MtnMama. I have a friend who puts up the vaguest things ever but never has the courtesy to respond or elaborate if you ask. My other annoying friend has had sick kids since October, constantly prays for their health, is forever thanking her husband for being so amazing, etc. Really on my nerves. Not to mention, constantly beggin people to come hang out with them. I could go on, but I'm boring myself.

Frank Irwin said...

Bev, will you join my Mafia and be my neighbor in Farmville/Yoville/Fishville/Margaritaville/WhenwillIevergetalifeville?

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

ahahahaha i love someecards!

Jillinator said...

Crap... shorter status... shorter status!

but I do agree... I was going to put "Jill is pissed and is going to get drunk" but my younger relatives are "friends" so I behaved. sigh, I'm a whimp

Bev said...

Frank - OMG. Just looked at those Lamebook links, and... wow. I suddenly feel like a lady and a scholar, so thank you!

Jenks - Really? Iiiiiiinteresting.

Stacie - Yeah, I kept my blog url to myself until just recently, and even then I hid it from some people. What can I say? World colliding....

Smama - You'd better not be talking about me, biznatch! ;) I just realized today that my status reports could be considered rather vague to those uncool people who aren't in on my current life biz. Like, the people I went to kindergarten with might not get one of my pithy movie or song quotes.

Eh, fuck 'em.

Frank - Yes. Just don't expect me to actually participate.

Chelsea - Thanks, and welcome!

Bev said...

Jill, you know two of the people I referenced in this post. Muahahahahahahahaha!

Jillinator said...

crap... I was right... I'm a dumbass

Bev said...

Jill, what? NO! Not you, silly! I'll fill you in one of these days offline. ;)

Classy in Philadelphia said...

Hehehe, this post made me laugh! I don't really update my FB status too often!

Heidi Renée said...

I try not to mix my blog world and my Facebook world. Except that I have made some exceptions to be FB friends with blog people (because I like them) and some IRL friends/family know about my blog (um, gee thanks, Mom). And then there's Twitter... Social networking makes it too hard to have real live friends.

Brooklyn ML said...

I'm not sure which was better, your blog post or the comments.
I'm having very mixed feelings about Facebook these days, and have seriously considered committing FB suicide (but only after posting a status update stating that I will be committing FB suicide).
I have a blog post about FB waiting in the wings, detailing all of the things that annoy me about the site. Stay tuned...

Brooklyn ML said...

Oh, speaking of my FB blog post, is it okay if I quote and/or link back to yours?

WV-unment, as in "That status update was unment for my mother's eyes."

PorkStar said...

lmao awww you poor cranky thing... still funny as hell as always though : )

Bev said...

Classy - welcome, and thanks for the comment!

Heidi - I'm honored that I made the cut!!! :)

Brooklyn - the only reason I write this damn thing is for the comments! Oh, and link away! This blog is your blog. This blog is my blog....

Porkstar - thanks, buddy!

Jillinator said...

haha- I didn't really think dumbass was me... 'cause I'm all that and everyone loves me...right? right? anyone? Beuller?