Monday, January 18, 2010

Panty theft?

Last night I was watching Hung and a line jumped out at me, inspiring me to ask you all a somewhat personal question. In return for your honest answers I'll share an embarrassing TMI story from my mis-spent youth. Deal?

Ok, in Hung a female character admits to stealing the guy's underpants after bedding him, and she claims that it's a common practice and "who among us hasn't had our underwear stolen after a hook-up?"

Who, indeed?

Have you ever had your underwear go missing after a romp? Tell me true - I promise not to judge!

Now, to answer my own question. In a word, yes. Yes, I've woken up and haven't been able to find my knickers despite crawling around on my hands and knees and frisking the bedsheets. Yeah, I've been there.



I was twenty and heartbroken, you see. Back story: I don't think I'd ever labored under the delusion that my then-bf and I were going to get married or anything like that, but I was still blind-sided when he broke up with me early in the summer after our first year at different colleges. I thought we'd at least spend the summer banging each other and would break up before our sophomore years started, but no. He fell for some chick (the one he eventually married) and I was stuck hocking overpriced hippie clothes and jewelry at a boutique in my po-dunk town because I'd decided to come home for the summer... to be with him.

Bitter? Yes, yes I was. First chance I could, I hopped into my (t)rusty Subaru and went back to Burlington for a weekend sans parental units. My friend C was renting a room at, of all places, her cousin's frat house. You can see where this is going, yes? C and I partied it up that weekend with a couple of guys she knew from the house, and by Saturday night it was clear that I'd landed the short muscular dude and the taller guy was hers.

This guy was cute, but not my type at all. He was barely my height (5'7") and stocky, he had the short, powerful build of a wrestler and the vocabulary to match, but I honestly didn't care. As I looked at him through narrowed eyes that night I decided that it just didn't matter - I was horny and angry and he'd do. A few more shots of tequila and I didn't object when he tossed me over his broad shoulder (!) like a caveman and carted me off to his room.

Turns out he was short everywhere, which was a disappointment - but I'm not a quitter - so I stifled my giggles and carried on. The sex was... well. Ok, I'm being honest here - the sex was terrible. When it was over I felt more annoyed than anything else; I'd finally gone and had a real-life one night stand it it sucked. Go, me!

The next morning I woke up alone and heard him in the bathroom, so I seized the opportunity to quickly gather my clothes. Bra - check, t-shirt and shorts - check, black silky panties? Hmmm.... Not under the bed. Not in the bed. Not on the floor. Why were they not in my shorts - I knew they had come off at the same time! Crap! Out of time! Just throw on the shorts and get the heck outta dodge!

We hugged awkwardly and I took his number but didn't give mine, and I can honestly say that over the next three years at college I never saw him again, and that was a-ok by me. Another thing I never saw again? My undies.

Your turn. Ever misplace your undies or have them taken as a "trophy?" Ever stolen a pair?

Spill.

35 comments:

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

I have never had this happen. I wonder what they do with said panties... keep them? Wash them? (I hope)... I would have been like um... hey short stuff where the hell are my panties?!?!?

Elliott said...

Had a bachelorette party ask me for my boxers one night, but I refused to give them up. What can I say? Not one of my brighter moments.

No, I have never taken a trophy from a conquest, but I've lost more than one shirt to random women post-coitus.

Mala said...

Once.... just once. Last time I was in NYC. Bev??????????

MtnMama said...

I've never lost undies, but I used to be a terrible shirt stealer. I've reformed. I've certainly had to do the walk of shame more times than I'd like to remember.

mo.stoneskin said...

No, never misplaced I'm afraid, though I do occasionally lose a sock (temporarily) if it ends up in my trouser leg. Sure the pants hadn't got lost somewhere like that?

jennybean79 said...

Never had my undies stolen. I have friends whose undiers were stolen out of the laundry in college though - creeee-peeeee!

Frank Irwin said...

Bev, I'll give 'em back if you promise to quit telling people how short I am.

I've never lost a pair, but JM did comment that she noticed I don't leave racing stripes.

Bev said...

Kelly - That's exactly what I wanted to say, but mostly I wanted to lower my head & run.

Elliott - D'oh! Not the favorite flannel, I hope.

Mala - Oops, sorry.

MtnMama - Yes, Elliott would really like to have his shirt back. Thx. ;)


Mo - anything's possible! Perhaps I was just a victim of static cling.

Jenny - erm, yes - super CREEPY!!! Eeek!

Frank - Ha! And ew. Mostly ew. :-*

Organic Meatbag said...

Some girl stole my cock sock once...nah, just kidding... hehehe

Elliott said...

Bev, I lost several valued flannels, but thankfully not the one that makes me look like a lumberjack. Leaping from log to log as they float down the mighty St. Lawrence....ahem. Sorry.

MtnMama - where were you during my glorious single years? And how you doin?

Anonymous said...

omg, elliot mentioning that he had a bachelorette party ask him for his boxers reminded me of the time i was once coaxed into asking a guy for his boxers by my gaggle of girlfriends. i am not proud of that. ugh.

and yes, of course i've had the drawers go missing. i'm guessing guys keep them not to wash them but to smell them. what?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I've never taken a pair of panties as a trophy. Ever.

Might be because I've had my share of Plumpies and didn't want the embarrassment that comes from flying a pair of panties that could double as a kite.

Frank Irwin said...

"Ew" was what I thought, too, Bev.

It's nice to hear that OM still has his cock sock. I guess.

Bev said...

OM - I hope you filed a police report on that one.

Elliott - Farewell, flannel friend! All for a good cause, tho!

Anon - ACK! So icky, but you're prob right!

Jenks - HA! Bit of a chubby chaser, eh?

Frank - Yes, what a relief! ;)

Senorita said...

Thankfully I can say that this has never happened to me, and I haven't stolen a man's trunks either.

Salt said...

Bev, I big puffy heart you. This story just made my whole day. :) I wholeheartedly wish I could say that someone had stolen my underwear as a trophy, but alas I cannot.

onebadmamajama said...

I can't say that they were actually stolen. I have (like you) abandoned them just to be able to get the hell outta Dodge a bit quicker. It's hard to locate undies in the dark and you're trying really hard NOT to wake up the other party.

onebadmamajama said...

stalking!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

In my defense, I figured out early on what the fat chick in the corner at a party was there for. And I haven't any shame over my discovery.

Regret, yes.
Shame, no.

Lose That Girl said...

I guess it would help if you wore panties.....just sayin'! ;)

Bev said...

Senorita - You're obviously far more careful with your delicates than I was!

Salt - Big puffy heart you back! <3
OBMJ - Personally, I think the dude stole 'em. They should have been right there with my shorts... and in retrospect he seemed like the panty-swiping type!

Jenks - "What she was there for?" Aside from changing out the kegs and making her friends look hotter, you mean?

LTG - Welcome! Thanks for following. I have a strict "semper ubi sub ubi" policy - always wear underwear! :)

Frank Irwin said...

Hmmmm....Maybe you really could just not find them, and he didn't steal them. He probably thought you left them as a gift! He probably searched the entire campus to find the woman who fit into those panties, just like Prince Charming and the glass slipper.

Mary said...

Ok- I've never had a pair stolen after a hook-up, but... my freshman year in college a weird sophomore had a crush on me and asked me out. I went out with him once and at the end of the date, he asked me, in a very creepy way, to lick my lips really slowly...I couldn't get out of the car fast enough.
The following weekend someone stole all my undies from the laundry.
I'm not a big believer in coincidences.
Now, excuse me while I go bleach my memory....ewwwwww.

Cary said...

Never stole anyone's drawers. Stealing is a crime.

Never had any stolen, but, like some of you, I did abandon a pair once. Crawled right out of them the morning after a one-night stand so I could amscray without waking her. She had the waistband in her teeth, so it wasn't easy, I assure you.

MtnMama said...

Okay, well, my weirdest roommate EVER (and I've had dozens) also was found to have not only emptied the dryer that had my load of undies in it, but he had carefully folded the whole thing, too. When I came home with my girlfriend and we went into my kitchen and saw the laundry basket with my folded underwear (who FOLDS underwear?) we both just looked at each other. It was a full minute or so before either of us could speak, and then it was mostly "eeewwww!"

Brooklyn ML said...

Gee, no, no one has ever stolen my undies after an amorous encounter. However, I have been robbed of my dignity and common sense on more than one occasion.

Brooklyn ML said...

Oh, and I took Mala's undies when she was in NYC. :)

Carol said...

back in the day of drunkin' college sex I came home one morning with only one sock and no shirt. Not sure where they were. Luckily I had a coat on because when I got to my place my sister had arrived for an unannounced visit. She was aware that I was in college having a good time but didn't know how good. Anyway, never felt the need for trophy undies and back then I was going commando.

Heidi Renée said...

I have neither stolen underwear nor had mine stolen. I've lost a few in the sheets, but they always turn up eventually--since it's my bed. I was not very adventurous in college.

dogimo said...

That's one damn interesting situation you describe. Huh.

Damn interesting.

Stolen underwear, huh.

I guess I probably would have noticed if it happened. I'm not prone to commando raids, so. Probably I've never had my undies swiped out from under me. I know I definitely haven't stolen any panties as a trophy, although, all this talk of panty trophies gives me an idea what I'd do if I did luck into a pair. Let's say they'd been left behind accidentally, such as some have proposed happened with yours, Bev!

If that happened, I would have them bronzed in a pleasing, lightly billowing pose, (or would it be brassed? Trophies seem shinier than mere bronze) and mounted on a slim, tall pedestal with a commemorative plaque of some kind.

"ALL-STATE PANTY CHAMP '10."

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Yes...changing out the kegs...that's what I meant. *shifty-eyed*

Okay, look. I went to a small college. There wasn't a lot of dating material, and the town it was in was small and the townies were all cornfed, but they'd do anything--ANYTHING--for some beer and Taco Bell.

Perhaps I've said too much...

Elliott said...

Hey, I may be cornfed, and willing to do most anything for beer and Taco Bell, but....

...um....

Never mind.

WV: stserif - the Patron Saint of antique typewriters

Bev said...

Oh my, your responses are all making me ROLL! I'm literally ROFL - see? Look at me go!

Frank - Yeah... maybe that's it.

Mary - EW!

Cary - In her teeth? Rookie mistake. I always grab a fistful of hair to keep 'em where I want 'em. Er, I mean... I used to.

MtnMama - That is creepy! My MIL has folded my underwear, so I feel your pain.

Brooklyn - Yes, I've parted ways with those things many a time myself. Oh, and you have to wear undies to lose 'em. Just sayin'.

Carol - WOOOT! Good times, gf!

Heidi - My favorite thing is finding a pair of crumpled undies when I'm changing the sheets on my bed. I always have to raise the roof to myself, out of principle.

Dogimo - Dude, are you trying to tell me that you bronzed my drawers?

Jenks & Elliott - Damn, I also love beer and Taco Bell. And CORN. Shit.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

You love corn shit? That's kind of...odd. I mean, I'm amused when I see the kernals in there and all, but to actually love...

Hold on.

Oh God.

There's a period between corn and shit.

What is wrong with you?

Dave said...

Nice, this is a great topic and many great stories.
I don't ever remember noticing that I was missing the underwear after sex, but it would mostly be very worth it. Like Elliot, I've had coitus cost me more shirts than I can remember. I've also never kept any girl's panties afterwards on purpose, but I have had a few left at my place afterwards - but those weren't normally with one night stands, they usually got them back next time "benefits time" came around.
That's a shame when you're out for sex, especially for a grudge fuck (either for a grudge against the victim or the ex), and get sorely (or not sorely enough) disappointed. I feel for you there, tough summer.
Great post & comments, tho! Even almost a year later...