Monday, January 11, 2010

Worst. Movie. EVER!

Last night after the kids were safely tucked up in their cozy beds, dreaming their kiddie dreams, the hubster and I decided to watch a movie. I had recorded The Watchmen a few nights ago after hearing about it from our friends Mr. & Mrs. Mala. That is to say, we had heard that it wasn't very good but that there was a rather scandalous "practically soft-core pr0n" scene in it that had made a mother and her teenage son leave the audience when they saw it in the theater.

Of course when they told me about the booty scene, I was sold! I can dig a comic book movie from time to time; I've suffered through every Batman & Spiderman movie ever made and can even add both craptastic Hulk movies to my resume. The Superman movies are classics, IMO; even the dreadful Superman III has it's moments! So I figured, how bad can it be, especially if there's a good bit of super-sex to spice things up?

It was the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life. I HATED IT. As in, it was so bad that it made me angry.

First of all, it was boring. Each dark, rainy scene was more dreary and dull than the last, and even two hours into the movie we still weren't 100% sure about the details of plot. What is the point? Something about nuclear war? Something about Richard Nixon (worst movie make-up job I've ever seen, btw)? I really couldn't tell you.

Secondly, it was gory. Gratuitous compound-fractures punctuated every fight scene, and if I wanted to watch someones hands being cut off with a circular saw I'd go rent one of the umpteen million torture pr0n movies out there instead of a movie about supposed crime-fighters.

Third, and this isn't a complaint so much as a WTF kind of thing - since when is full-frontal male nudity suitable for an R rating? The blue dude was hanging low and loose throughout the entire movie! Again, not complaining, but... weird! What is UP with Papa Smurf's shlong? We saw it so often it was practically its own character in the movie. Get some BVDs on that guy!

Oh, and the sex scene wasn't all that great either. Sure, we saw Patrick Wilson's gorgeous, firm hiney doing the bump & grind, but we see that in Little Children a lot more and it's A LOT HOTTER. Like, a lot hotter.

So, after watching this piece of trash for two hours I paused it to see if it was going anywhere and found that it still had an HOUR to go. An f'ing HOUR more. Three hours? Really?!

We threw in the towel and agreed that it was the worst movie we'd ever seen, which is saying something because I've seen some real piles of road apples disguised as film in my 30-some-odd years of movie-viewing.

We actually felt dirty afterwards and decided to watch something else so we could go to sleep without horrible images etched onto our mind's eyes. It's bad when you put on TLC's Hoarders and it soothes you back into feeling like the world is a normal place.

So, there you have it: the worst movie I've ever seen, ever.

What's yours?


Mala said...

There was nothing UP with Papa Smurf's schlong...ever. WTH! Gratuitous naked guy - normally I'd like that, but in this film... not so much.
Anyway, I warned ya. I felt robbed of three hours of my life. ROBBED! Even if at least 2 hours of it consisted of a flacid, naked Billy Crudup.
Watching the woman and her teenage son in front of us squirm uncomfortably was however fairly entertaining.

Worst movie ever... I hated Blue Velvet, Baghdad Cafe and Whiteman's Burden... a lot!

Elliott said...


Mala, I love Blue Velvet, but I love all things David Lynch, so take that for what it's worth.

My 'Robbed of two hours of my life' films are Body of Evidence, Moonlight and Valentino, and Boys on the Side. My own fault, I rented them with the promise of gratuitous female nudity, not realizing I'd need to endure weeks of horrible acting just for a brief flash of boobage.

This was, of course, back in the mid-90's, before I had access to the Internet and before I realized my video store rented real pr0n so I wouldn't need to endure this any longer.

MtnMama said...

I tried to sit through Heaven's Gate when it came out - way back when - and although I love westerns, I couldn't stand it.
Mala's comment on Blue Velvet reminds me though of several "artistic" movies of that period that I tried to like but just couldn't. Too weird without enough compensating entertainment.

I love movies and have willingly subjected myself to countless strange offerings, but gratefully, have been able to also forget most of the bad ones. In one ear and out the other, so to speak.

New England Girl said...

I HATE wasting time on movies that turn out to be such horrible films. I always feel like I've wasted so much time that I can't get back - It really pisses me off!
I have yet to see this one, but now I will steer clear. I don't watch many movies, so I can't pinpoint which one is going to be my worst pick ever... hm.

calicobebop said...

Eraserhead. Hands down, worst movie on the planet. My college roommate's boyfriend brought it over one weekend and we were horrified. Talk about leaving a bad taste in your mouth... gak.

Lindsey Himmler said...

I saw Watchmen in the theater and HAAAAATED it. I thought the opening credits were awesome, and it was all downhill from there. Of course, the people I went with loved it. I actually like the original comic. But I hated the movie. I hated the graphic violence and the music, especially during said sex scene,

raskal said...

this is my favorite post on your blog of all time, Bev...

My all time worst was Moulin Rouge. Hands down. But I haven't seen the watchmen, either.

PS - loved the reference to the hot sex scene in Little Children. Just watched that again the other day! ;)

Elliott said...

Calico, I love Eraserhead (see my comment to Mala above), but I can understand - it does leave a bit of an odd taste in one's mouth.

jennybean79 said...

I saw Watchmen this weekend as well. It was not the worst movie I've ever seen though - have you had the misfortune of seeing the Fountain? OMG - the worst movie ever! Space Jam was also pretty bad - I walked out on that puppy!

On another note, Raskal said Moulin Rouge was the worst movie ever, but I love all of Baz Luhrmann's movies, including that one (had to admit it)!

Great post!

Bev said...

Mala - Exactly! He gives blue balls a whole new meaning. Ba-dump-dump!

I also hated Blue Velvet, sorry Elliott.

Elliott - Yeah, I am not a huge David Lynch fan. I guess I'm just not smart or cool enough to grasp the genius of midgets talking backwards and all that good stuff. Although, I do like Mulholland Drive, so there's that.

Ah, so YOU'RE the one who saw Body of Evidence!

Mtn Mama - yeah, sadly enough, as I've gotten older I find that I just stick to comedies a lot more. I just don't have extra brain power to spare & some movies need a lot of deciphering!

NE Girl - it pisses me off too!! I even said last night, "I want my 2 hrs back!"

Calico - Never seen it, but I'll take your word for it!

Lindsey - Thank you!! Oh, and I liked the opening montage too, even though I didn't know wtf was going on.

Raskal - YES! That movie sucked eggs!

Jenny - OMG, yes! The Fountain is also a terrible, terrible movie. My husband immediately fell asleep but I plugged away at that POS for the duration only to be rewarded with the mother of all WTF moments at the end. AWFUL!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

I'm the minority - I actually enjoyed this movie in the theater. We haven't watched it at home yet (my boyfriend is HUGE into comics and I got it for him for Christmas). If you read the comics you'd get the movie more as far as how it was shot, why certain things were left out in the open (*coughbluedongcough*) etc.

The movie was made almost identical to the comic book which I was shocked to see when I paged through the full comic book that my boyfriend owns).

Maybe not the most entertaining to some (and those that don't know much about the comic) but I like it a lot.

Love, GF of a Comic Geek.

Mala said...

Oh yeah, the opening credits were very cool.
It went downhill from there.

Senorita said...

I hate comics, and dark, depressing films. Glad I didn't see this film.

I forget the name of the film I hate most. It had to do with latino gangsters in the eighties and it was so bad an depressing that I was pissed off after watching it.

Frank Irwin said...

I didn't think that I had seen this movie, until you mentioned the Big Blue Schlong. I don't remember the pr0n scene.

Those two facts, together, worry me.

Harmony said...

I, too, hated Watchmen. Although I did make it through the entire movie, there was a couple of times Ant and I had discussed turning it off, but we knew we would never EVER watch it again..and the little optimistic bitch inside of me suggested that it would wrap up nicely in the end. Ant and I both let out a big "oh" at the end and silently went to bed, not speaking a word of it. Why let it ruin anymore of our time together?

I agree with Raskal, Moulin Rouge IS super that is a movie that only lasted 10 minutes in my player. I think I hate watching actors/actresses sing...weird?

Heidi Renée said...

We saw Watchmen in the theater, too. And I'll be honest, I was confused pretty much the whole time. Glad I'm not the only one.

Bev said...

Kelly - Thanks for the comment! I knew someone would chime in to say they liked it, and that's a-ok. thanks for shedding some light on it for me too. I'm sure there's a lot that I didn't get because I didn't read the comics.

To each her own, after all. You guys have at it! ;)

Senorita - Can't think of what that movie is, but it sounds terrible.

Frank - Yes, that is troublesome, and so unlike you! btw, love your new avatar! Such an artsy guy, that Frank.

Harmony - After reading your comment I am really glad we didn't tough it out for that last hour!

Ya know, I kind of feel the same way about actors singing, but then again I liked Sweeney Todd, so go figure!

Bev said...

Heidi - Yes, confusing! And horrifying. Still trying not to think about the dogs fighting over the bone scene....


onebadmamajama said...

Yea, Watchman sucked the big blue schlong! My BFF's hubby raved over it and so we rented it to watch at her house last summer. BOR-ING! I was so unimpressed that I had to force myself to stay awake to see the naked blue guy..which, for the record, I was not impressed.

Bad movies that made me wish I could turn back time..Just about anything Nic Cage has done recently..specifically, "Next". GAK that movie was awful!

onebadmamajama said...

Stalking..gotta keep up with the comments ;)

Frank Irwin said...

Thanks, Bev! According to Daisy, my new avatar isn't just artsy, but artsy fartsy!

Brooklyn ML said...

The Fisher King-I walked out of it halfway through. I can't really remember why I loathed it, other than finding it terribly dull. Dull movies are criminal.

Carol said...

Thanks for the warning, my son was wanting to see it. My worse movie experiences that I can think of: Funny Games, what part of cruel torture is entertaining? For some all of it, for me I was never so mad of wasting a couple hours except when I ordered StepBrothers on pay-per-view. I know WTF was I expecting, I guess more than what I got. Not even a laugh, just a bunch of sighs.

Cary said...

Worst movie ever? Hard to say. So many unworthy candidates. I'll go with Oleanna. Two people talking in circles for two-plus hours, courtesy of David fucking Mamet, who never met a line of dialogue he didn't like and didn't like to repeat 500 times. Absolutely nothing happened in that movie. I'm not sure the two characters even blinked.

Blue Velvet suuuuuuucked! Most overrate movie EVER.

Mission To Mars was laughably bad.

Did not see Watchmen but thought it might be a fun rental. Thanks for saving me two dollars.

Just for the record, I too have a firm, gorgeous butt (except for the occasional unfortunate ass-pimple). That's not a brag, but simply a statement of fact.

Good day.

Cary said...

btw I loved The Fisher King. To each his own.

I never saw A.I. but heard that was a major knobsuck.

Eyes Wide Shut blew hard.

Kate said...

I loved Watchmen, but then again, I loved the comic book. And it is just like the comic book. I think most people either love it or hate it, no in between.

My all time worsts:

Wolf--I think that's the name, with Nicholson and Pfeiffer. I walked out of the theater. Bad, bad, bad.

A.I.--This movie offended me to the very core as a mother. I hated it with a passion.

Eraserhead--love Lynch, hated this movie...WTF David????

Waterworld and The Postman--For shame Kevin Costner, for shame.