Thursday, February 11, 2010

(My First) TMI Thursday: Carlos Rossi

I'm trying something new here today. Since I tend to post all my TMI stuff all willy-nilly (heh heh, I said "willy!"), I've decided to try to streamline it a bit and follow the lead of the Indefatigable Mjenks in participating in Lilu's TMI Thursdays.

Not long ago I posted about a trip to the liquor store and all the fun we had finding inappropriate sexual innuendos in the bottle sizes and shapes. I left out one bottle, deciding to save that story for a rainy day. Well folks, it ain't raining but today is that day nevertheless.

May I introduce you to an estranged friend of mine? This is Carlos. Carlos is cheap and easy, two things I've never been despite what you may think. Yes, I know I'm a bawdy gal and I like to talk about all things dirty (with the exception of poop), but just because I'm a perv doesn't mean I'm a bimbo. On occasion, I can even pass for classy.

This story is NOT about any of those occasions.

One spring break when I was about 20 my sister and I decided to take a trip to the Bahamas, just the two of us. We went to an all-inclusive resort that turned out to be kind of lame as far as night life went, but we enjoyed the beach and the sight-seeing. We swam with dolphins, tried parasailing, drank rum, and watched Asian tourists sing karaoke.

The Rong and Winding Load has never been so poignant.

On our last night we decided to take a sunset booze cruise, and I got so drunk that it's all kind of a blur.

This isn't us, but it's a reasonable facsimile:

I do remember at one point talking to a lovely southern lady and for some reason I started to imitate her accent as we talked. Before long I was in full-on Scarlett and Rhett mode and no one could convince me that I wasn't a sassy southern belle with an attitude. To this day, I still blush when I even think about it, so of course I'm sharing it here with anyone who cares to read it.

Why? Why the hell not, that's why.

As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, as we disembarked from the boat I spotted a big jug of Carlos Rossi and decided to liberate it so we could have a delightful plastic cup of Chablis back in our room. Like I needed it. I slipped the huge jug under my shirt and whistled innocently as I strolled past the bemused boat staff, then I cackled about how clever I was to everyone in the shuttle during the ride back to the resort. The nice lady with the accent was also riding in the shuttle, of course, because I always have good luck like that.

I passed out as soon as we got to the room (a photo exists, but no, I'll never share it) and when I woke up the next morning with one of the worst hangovers I've ever had in my entire life, my sister had placed that big ol' jug of wine right next to my bed so I'd see it as soon as my bleary eyes creaked open. When I went to the bathroom to yack, I found that she had also gotten bored and had drawn all over me with a Sharpie.

When you pass out before 8 PM, anything goes. I know this.

On the way to the airport that morning I did something so vile that it goes down in bevstory as one of my top 5 worst moments as a human being, ever. Worse than my experience with Alli (don't ask). Worse than that night in college when I lost my undies.

In a shuttle bus full of people en route to the airport, I actually turned green and barfed into my own purse. Quietly, yes. Discretely, even; no one even noticed, or if they did they were polite enough not to say anything. But still. Not classy. And yes, the southern lady was also on the shuttle to the airport that day.

I blame Carlos Rossi. He must be related to Jose Cuervo -- cousins or something.

So there it is. I don't know if I'll be participating in the TMI fun every Thursday because of my fear of committment and all, but I'll do my level best!


LiLu said...

Thank you.

Thank you because A) this is an awesome TMI-de-flowering story, B) no, really, this is HILARIOUS, and C) you just reminded me of one of my own I have yet to share.


Elliott said...

Oh, joy of joys. I've gotten quite sick on wine, but never Carlos Rossi 'big jug o' wine. And trust me, nobody on that shuttle was going to say ANYTHING to you about your peristaltic occasion. That's the LAST thing anyone wants to discuss.

BigSis said...

As strange as it sounds, I think it takes class to puke into your purse. Maybe I just have a skewed sense of klass...

Brooklyn ML said...

Oh my, that is hilarious! I almost snorted my porridge onto my computer screen. Love it!

Mala said...

Not at the table, Carlos.

Sorry, I just had to.

Anyhoo. I love that story every.single.time. So what became of this purse? Did it make it through security at the airport? You know, now all liquids need to be in a ziplock baggie. Just FYI.

Senorita said...

You are my new hero. This is awesome that you can come up here and admit you barfed into your own purse.

I wish I could take a vacay into the Bahamas.

Bev said...

LiLu - Yay! I'm glad I did ok on my maiden voyage. Thanks for the awesome meme, and for the comment.

Elliott - I believe we were actually drinking Bahama Mamas that night. The Carlos was just divine inspiration on my part.

BigSis - Welcome! I kind of have to agree. I mean, how gross would it be if I'd just let it fly everywhere? Pretty gross.

Brooklyn - thanks, but who the hell eats porraige? Do you live with the 3 bears? :-*

Mala - NICE ONE! Love that line.

The purse was tossed as soon as we got to the airport, after I'd fished out and (gag) wiped off my wallet and a few other important things. Thankfully my sister had the plane tickets in her purse.

Senorita - Yes, I clearly have no shame! :) And yeah, I wish I could go back to the bahamas. Now would be good.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Well...I WAS going to write up a story about going to the beach and puking and maybe having inappropriate conversations with women who may or may not have been of legal age.

But, I guess I'll let that one pass today, since you've done a MUCH better job of telling a tale of wine and silliness.

Cary said...

About those panties -- when are you coming to get them? Or should I just throw them out. They aren't in great shape, and they don't fit me. Thx.

Frank Irwin said...

Was the purse a RALLLLPH Lauren?

Cary said...

Frank - HA HA HA!!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

I feel your pain COMPLETELY! I was in Costa Rica and for some reason decided to truly LIVE IT UP my last night there. We went into town and partied with the locals (most of which worked at our hotel). After too much rum and Coronas and Imperial beer we arrived back at the hotel. The next AM I wanted to die. I didn't go to breakfast it was all I had to take a shower. Thankfully I had already packed before heading out that night.

I didn't vomit on the bus BUT I almost did. The AC on our bus was broken and it was an hour ride to the airport. Lots of STOP and go to avoid the horrible pot holes on the trip.

When we stopped at the 2nd resort to pick up people returning to the airport I made my best friend run with me to the bathrooms so I could vomit. I made it here safely but I was frantic thinking where can I puke while on the bus.

I had a bag with tshirts in it as my stand by!!!

At the customs line one of the guys on the bus said to me "Are you ok?" I told him I had too much fun last night and he praised my ability to with hold the chunks.

From now on I will NEVER live it up like that on my last night in a strange place!!!

Bev said...

Jenks - Thanks, but you're not off the hook, buddy. I still want to hear your tale of beachy debauchery!

Cary - Well, they were in pretty great shape when I left them there, so... now they're all yours! I'm sure you stretched 'em all out anyway.



Kelly - LMAO! Yup, that definitely sounds familiar!! Good for you for holding out for a proper rest stop, though. I was wishing for a t-shirt bag, lemme tell ya!

Thanks for the comment!

Kate said...

That was AWESOME!!

I am reminded of the time when I was 16 at a frat party. They had a huge stage with a band playing, and me? Well, me was sitting on the edge of the stage puking up my toenails onto the dance floor. Ah...the memories.

Kate said...

I'm a drunk, so I'm not ashamed of puking in public, and I refuse to ruin a perfectly nice handbag with vomit. Sigh. Poor purse.

onebadmamajama said...

That was a divine post! I love your TMI Thursdays! I'm glad you told us what happened to the purse, cause that was really starting to bug me lol.

Good one, Frank;)

MtnMama said...

Hahahahaha! No, not the purse! I have similar tales myself. Amazing that I can remember them. If I ever get to the Bahamas, can I take you with me?

Salt said...

The story just kept getting worse and worse and then just when I didn't think it could get did. I literally yelled "OH NOOOO!" at my computer screen. OMG that's so....TMI. :)

Although I did have a friend that puked all over the inside of my car once...I wish she had thought to use her bag which was RIGHT. THERE.

JennyMac said...

I have done this...shame on both of us. Carlos Rossi, if related to Jose Cuervo is an evil bastardo. My excuse was Corono and some flaming Dr. Peppers.

Rich Girl Red said...

That was a great story! Don't you feel better now that you've shared with the group?

As a southern gal ("lady" would be a stretch) I'm never insulted when people imitate my accent. I've been known to mock a Yankee or two after a few double bourbons. :)

I've never hurled in my purse but I did blap in my friend's. (Her purse was bigger and came from Goodwill. Mine was a Dolce. At least it was mine until I had to give it to her!)

Frank Irwin said...

Several years ago, when I was getting checked out in a 4-seater airplane, my friends Paul and Kat came along to fill the back seats.

After a couple of maneuvers, including banked turns and a stall (right after the stall, actually), I hear Paul quickly digging through his camera bag.

Then I hear Kat let loose into a plastic newspaper wrapper that Paul had found.

Unfortunately for Kat, though, the wrapper was so narrow that the force of her effluence forced the effluent back into her face.

carissajaded said...

Oh my goodness I am so happy I found your blog. I don't know how I hadn't before. Hilarious! I can't stop laughing. I am so gonna barf in my purse (or someone elses) one of these days.

Classy in Philadelphia said...

Hahhaha, LOVE IT. Oh man, I can't even imagine!

Heidi Renée said...

What became of the wine jug? Did you leave it behind as a tip for the maid?

Alli did nothing for me, or to me.

Lucy said...

Oh, my gosh, I have to admit I kept thinking please tell me she threw the purse away before getting on the plane, right??

Way too funny!!!

Anonymous said...

Love the story Bev...hysterical!

It reminds me of one when I was 20 or 21 and one oy roomates and I went to this party with these random guys that played baseball. (i know we should not have gotten in a car with strange guys) I was so drunk and I quietly puked in a bag and shoved it under the guy's driver's seat. The next day he was leaving for spring break..I can only imagine what his car smelled like when he got home..


calicobebop said...

Oooo, girl! I'm proud of you. We all have to have stories like that to tell the grandkids, don't you think? :) Beware the cheap wine!

Melissa said...

"To this day, I still blush when I even think about it"

Ah yes. Thoooose moments. *Cringe*