Monday, February 8, 2010

I'll be Maverick; you can be Goose.

Hi all! Good weekend?

Mine was okay, but nothing to write home (or blog) about. Yet, here I sit wanting to write something despite my glaring lack of good material. Now I know what it must be like to be a writer on SNL!

On Saturday morning I took my kids on a cub scout outing to the NH Air National Guard in Concord. The guardsmen were very accomodating and even let the kids climb all over one of their helicopters for quite a while, then landed a copter and gave a little show of what it could do outside while we watched inside. Very cool!

The only buzzkill was my oldest son, who woke up that morning with a bug up his arse and the word, "No" punctuating every sentence he uttered. I swear to dog, if I didn't love him so much I would have left him with the guardsmen until he was old enough to enlist. He started his Asshole Tour of Duty (AToD) by taking the pilot's seat and refusing to give it up to other kids for turns, then we got down to brass tacks when he took off across the hanger towards a roped-off high security section and wouldn't come back.

Oh, and remember the part about how I have no voice and am also in charge of keeping my 2 year old from hurting himself while climbing around in a helicopter? Yeah, that was also happening. Did any of the other parents in our pathetic little den offer to help when they saw me struggling, voiceless, to calm a tantruming 65 lb. six year old who refused to do anything I asked, even go to the bathroom? Nope, they sure didn't. Great job, folks - it takes a village!

Rest assured that when I finally wrestled the kids back into the car and calmed down for a minute, D felt mom's wrath. He lost his new mp3 player (a hand-me-down from J), his lunch trip to McDonald's, and his afternoon playdate with my friend Jill's daughters. So THERE.

The moral of this story: Mom may not be able to git' ya when you're being bad, but you'll pay later. Oh yes, you'll pay.

You mess with the bull, you get the horns.

Yesterday was even more dull. The high point was a trip to BJ's in which I bought a bunch of stuff because I had some killer coupons, then I forgot to use said coupons at check-out because YOU KNOW WHO decided to goof around and distract me. Yes, the AToD continued as he tried to push the cart away (with his brother in it) as I struggled to pay, load the cart, and make myself heard by the annoyed cashier. That little brain fart cost me about $20. Sigh.

It was really just more proof that I shouldn't have left the house at all, and I wouldn't have if we weren't at Defcon 5 thanks to a severe diaper shortage and a case of the toddler ploppy-poos.

By the time my husband and his brother came home from their calm, delightful day of skiing, I was a wee bit frazzled. I passed off tortellini-boiling duties and retreated to my room to regroup.

I know a lot of you probably enjoyed the Super Bowl last night. I didn't watch; I don't really "do" sports. What I did find myself zoning out to for a good 20 minutes last night was this:

Puppy Bowl IV.

Good gravy, is there anything cuter than 3 month old puppies? Fuzzy puppies, fat puppies, skinny puppies, puppy tummies, puppy breath... just... PUPPIES!

Yes. I dislike sports and love puppies. SO? It's good to be a girl.

A mom? The jury's out on that one.

Here's to a better week ahead!


Elliott said...

Oh, happy day. This is what makes it easier to boot them to the curb on their 18th birthday. Love that the ANG does this sort of thing, that's like pre-testosterone heaven.

Thank you for the dig at SNL, too. It makes me smile.

Kate said...

Motherhood sucks big ol'dicks right now. **collective gasp!!** Yeah, I said it. Bite me.

Word verf: curge. def. the redneck word for bravery.

Frank Irwin said...

Damn, Kate, you sound like you're trying to potty train a kid or something!

I, too, appreciated the SNL comment.

Samsmama said...

Yep, the SNL dig was golden! You make us proud, Bevaroo!

Hold up! 6 years old and 65 pounds? Is he a bit of a hoss or is that about right? If so, my kid has 6 months to gain about 3olbs. Little runt.

And, can I just say, show Dick some respect! LOVE IT!

MtnMama said...

Oh, Bev! Good to know we share that special glow that being a mom can give us... the radioactive glow. Of joy. My little bundle of joy pulled a major theatrical poutfest/velcro baby fit for the first half yesterday while I was trying to cook in a kitchen full of my friend's guests. JUST the kind of attention I was going for! Score!

mo.stoneskin said...

LOL at Asshole Tour of Duty! Sounds like he *might* have learned his lesson.

Bev said...

Elliott - I'm glad I made you smile! The ANG was pretty awesome.

Kate - AGREED! And no, I haven't even started potty training my toddler... unless you count when he says he wants to go and we sit there for a while as he unravels the TP. Which is super fun.

Frank - Yay! Thanks.

Samsmama - Yes, my kid is a total brut. He's tall & freakishly strong and wears shoes that are only 3 sizes smaller than mine (in mens' sizing).

MtnMama - Why, that sounds like a lovely way to spend time at a party! Don't you just love the rush of affection and pride you get when they decide to show off that side of themelves to your friends? I sure do.

Mo - Even then, he felt victimized, but when I started crying along with him he finally STFU and felt bad. Which was the goal.

Cary said...

Ah, kids. Yes, they're a challenge, but think of all the fun you had carrying them around for nine months and then passing their giant heads and shoulders through your vagina. Makes it all worthwhile, don't it?

It takes a village - that made me laugh. People are too afraid of getting sued to interfere anymore, I think. Didn't a guy just go to jail for slapping someone else's kid?

Bev, send that boy over to Sgt. Cary's for a week. I'll straighten his ass out. He'll bring his balls home in a ziploc bag.

onebadmamajama said...

Ahh, the joys of parenting! Sad news is..the AToD won't stop til he's about 24. Sorry:( Of course, I'm right there with you in the same parenting canoe w/out a paddle. Just give him the mom curse (I hope you have kids just like you!) and then laugh crazily. Revenge is a dish best served cold;)

Salt said...

Good LAWD, girl! Sounds like you had your hands full! At least you got to hide in your room for awhile once hubs got home. It sounds like the National Guard trip could have been really fun of certain someone hadn't been on an AToD. :)

I love "AToD". I will be working that into my everyday life from now on thank you very much!

Bev said...

Sgt. Cary - You are such a poet! Yes, the little bugger is worth every stretch mark, I'm sure.

OBMJ - Oh, I give him the Mom's Curse ALL THE TIME!! I need to add the maniacal laughter though; that's a good touch.

Salt - Yeah, makes ya' wanna run right out and get pregnant, don't it? ;)

Melissa said...

Yeah, nice SNL zinger.

The parental thing I don't get and don't know that I ever will, but man, I would have really lost it at some point. And as an outsider, I probably would have tried helping you wrangle. Sheesh.

Also, the coupons - I shop solo and still, still I can peel off a coupon on something right there in the store, stick it in my pocket, and forget to use it 10 minutes later when I go to check out. It's a disease!

Senorita said...

Forget the terrible twos ! Your son had the Satanic six ! Good on you for disciplining him. Serves him right !

Brooklyn ML said...

Hmmmm, AToD...Yet another item on my list of reasons not to have children. 774 and counting.

Bev said...

Melissa - Yes, the coupon thing IS a disease. I know my short-term memory is crap, but JEEZ!

Senorita - Thanks! It's a constant battle with him. He's my little Taurus the BULL.

Brooklyn - You'd be an awesome mom. Like Mommy Dearest without the eyebrows. KIDDING! :-p

LiLu said...

I watched so much puppy on Sunday. And it was GLORIOUS.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

ah, how fun!

Mala said...


Damn, I totally would have gone with you to wrangle the little ones... you know, if I wasn't a roaming nomad trying to find a fucking flight home.

So sorry you had a craptastic weekend.
And Puppy Bowl certainly has hypnotic powers, for sure.

Jennifer said...

Clearly my eldest son called yours and they decided to enact holy terror on their mothers. I almost left mine of the side of the road today (for his father to pick up).

Heidi Renée said...

If you ever go to the Salem, NH BJ's, beware of my mother in law. She's one of the sample ladies and she might try to poison you simply for being associated with me. She's on a permanent ATOD. Just think, though, someday the little guy will get married and you can get your revenge on him by making his wife miserable.

onebadmamajama said...

Okay, there is a post showing for you in blogger but not here? What happened?!