Monday, February 15, 2010

If the Olympic Village is a-rockin'...

...don't come a-knockin'!

Hey there! Hope everyone had a nice V-day and got some good lovin' from their loved ones. Speaking of good lovin', I need to address a thought I had on Friday evening while watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games. As always, instead of getting misty over American pride (which I cop to once in a while because what am I? Made of stone?!), I found myself thinking about all of those attractive young athletes in their adorable Ralph Lauren gear. I thought about how pumped they all must be to have realized their dreams and been repaid for their long hours of training by achieving the ultimate: being at the Olympic games.

Can you imagine the rush? The excitement in the air must be palpable! And of course, all that adrenaline and hot blood coursing through those young, fit bodies from every country.... Well, I can only imagine the parties that must be happening once certain competitions are over and people find themselves free to mingle and enjoy a frosty beverage or twelve. It doesn't take a genius to do that math - even I can manage it, and I kind of suck at numbas.

excitement + youth + alcohol - stress = S to the E to the X ! Am I right?

"Hey everybody! We're all gonna get laid!"

First of all, everything about the opening ceremony made me think of dicks. Yeah, I know, that's kind of typical for pervy ol' Bev. But honestly, I can't be the only one who noticed all of the massive phallic symbols?

Mmmm, frosty penises....

My favorite part was at the very end of the opening ceremony when one of the giant peens had a little stage fright and decided to just lie there while the other three pillars rose to the occasion, as planned. Poor, flaccid pillar. I'm sure all of us ladies felt like soothing it a bit, "It's okay. It happens to all pillars once in a while! It doesn't bother me a bit. I'll bet no one even noticed."

But anyway, back to the sexy athletes and all the boning they must be doing once they have either won their medals or screwed the proverbial pooch. You KNOW they're hitting the bars. You know they're scoping out the cute Asian figure skaters and the Swedish ski bunnies. You know they're trying to wiggle their way into the U.S. snowboarder social circle so they can knock a few back with the charismatic (and by all accounts, funny and nice) Shaun White.

Back in my TV days I worked with a news photog who was a big skier. He grew up in northern NH and spent all his free time on the mountains; in fact, I believe he's still on the ski patrol at Bretton Woods. Nice guy. Anyway, he grew up with Olympic skier Bode Miller. He knew him pretty well, had partied with him, and told lots of stories about Bode and what a nice, down to earth kind of dude he was.

So when Bode made the Olympic ski team four years ago in Italy, we were all rooting for him. Not only was in from NH, but he was a good kid and a friend of a friend!

Well, Bode didn't do so hot at the games. Why? Because Bode likes to party, and Bode partied a little too hearty and screwed up his runs. No medals for Bode. In fact, we were all kind of ashamed that he hadn't taken it more seriously.

According to my friend, Bode told him when he returned that the parties at the Olympic village were EPIC. Those athletes can apparently show us ALL how it's done!

Bode is back again this year, and hopefully four years of maturing will keep him on the straight and narrow until AFTER his competitions are complete. I'm still rooting for ya, Bode!

That's the kind of wonky crap that goes through my little brain on a Friday night after having two glasses of wine for the first time in weeks. Yes, I've been laying off the booze because it's drying to the throat, and I'm doing everything I can to get my dang voice back. You SEE what sacrifices I make, damn it? I miss my vino! On Friday I had some and felt pretty darn good, so of course I started picturing all of these clean-cut professional athletes doing the nasty. Of course! This is ME we're talking about.

One last inappropriate observation, and then I'll shutey:

You call these torches? In college, we called them "spliffs."

That is all.

Have a happy Monday, and go U.S.A!

PS) How cute are the Canadians? I think I have a crush on an entire country; even worse than I did back when the Kids in the Hall were in their hay day!


Senorita said...

I'm a huge fan of the Winter Olympics. Man, what I would give to do the nasty with some of those skiers.

I watched the figure skating last night and loved it.

I hope the Americans kick some ass out there !

SP said...

Is it weird that I want you to be my cyber lover. You crack my ass up and nothing is hotter than funny.

MtnMama said...

Oh, Bev! :) On this one we are so in sync! And speaking as a Colorado gal, yeah, the partying can be pretty awe inspiring. I'm thinking about a couple young men who blew it big right before their events due to having MUCH more talent and youth and energy than maturity and judgement. Kinda sad, because it's an awful lot of work and money to get that far, and a long time after to kick yourself.

Thank goodness I had a FANTASTIC weekend or I'd be too worked up from all your imagery and hot talk. Rock on, sista!

Salt said...

Holy ish that DOES look like a spliff! OMG! OMGGHHHAAA!!!! I cannot wait to point that out to like everybody that I know.

I, too, would love to go party it up with those kids. Especially Apolo Ono and he could preferably not be wearing a shirt like when he was running up the mountain in that segment they did about him. That would be all right with me.

And yes those ice peens were the most phallic things I've seen in quite some time.

Melissa said...

"You call these torches? In college, we called them "spliffs.""


During the Summer Olympics 2008, I would read Lainey Gossip's accounts/reports of how utterly insane the Olympic parties were. They are totally all screwing each other. Heck, if I were young and tight-bodied and around all those other tight bodies... well, hell yes!

Mala said...

It's no wonder we're friends. I was thinking the same thing... oh the parties that must be rocking!

And seriously, the 2010 Olympic peeps are major pervs. First the Lisa Simpson playing the man-flute logo and now.. those... those... what the hell are they supposed to be?

Heidi Renée said...

My DVR is brimming with Olympicses. If a certain someone would stop playing ancient Nintendo downloads on the Wii I would be able to see the Olympic dicks in action, but NOOOOO. I think he's just jealous.

Kate said...

I'm sorry but if Shaun White weren't so famous he wouldn't be getting any. He's fugly!

Frank Irwin said...

The USA'ans who've finished their events should go and party with the non-USA'ans who have not finished their events, so that the good guys (e.g. USA'ans) will win!

WV: unerica - Steve

Mala said...

Am I the only one who can't see Shaun White without thinking of Carrot Top?

MJenks said...

it wasn't that it had stage fright: shit's cold up in Canada. It had shrinkage.

Apparently, they ran out of free condoms at the Atlanta games back in 96. So, yeah, lots of sex goes on in the Olympic village.

Frank Irwin said...

No, Mala, you're not.

Cary said...

My dorm neighbor used to roll 'em just about that big. Popular guy, that one.

A friend with weed is a friend indeed.

Cary said...

Oh, and yeah, if I were young 'n' hot (again) I'd be showing my O-lympic shag face, too.

tracey said...

you made me proud to be a Canadian. glad the giant wangs in the opening ceremonies made you smile. why do you think Canadians are so nice? if that's a scale model of the, ahem, equipment canadian men are sporting, no wonder it's hard - pun intended -for other countries to compete.
sorry. i've had 2 screwdrivers & an ambien tonight. i think the ER calls that a coma kit...

Bev said...

Senorita - I also love figure skating, and I don't care who knows it!

SP - Aw, thanks! *blush*

MtnMama - We could drink 'em under the table and you KNOW it. ;)

Salt - I knew I could count on you to see the peens too! Yay!

Melissa - Hell yes, indeed!!!

Mala - I haven't seen Lisa S. giving oral in a while - think they scrapped that logo in favor of the yeti/owl/whatever-the-fucks?

Heidi - Get to it, lady! Wii can wait!

Kate - Yes, but I still dig his hair.

Frank - oooh, I think you're on to something! Good strategy.

Bev said...

Mala - Shaun White is Carrot Top without the 'roids!

Mjenks - Nice! And sure, it could have been shrinkage... I guess.

Cary - So, do you still know that dude? Can I have his number?

Love "O-lympic face!!"

Tracey - HA!! "Coma kit?" I was gonna say that sounds like the first 10 minutes of a date with Tiger Woods!

poker affiliate said...

It was good to see Bode win a medal. He has overcome a lot of personal demons and come out on the other side.

Frank Irwin said...

I always get slapped when I try to poker affiliate.

Or maybe it's poker e fellate?

Bev said...

Poker (heee) - Yes! So glad he finally won. Also, do you have Liquor in the rear?

Frank - HAAAAA! Score!

Cary said...

If you can't poker, poker affiliate.