Monday, February 22, 2010

Mala and Silent Bev Go To The Movies

Mornin', folks!

How are you all? You're looking especially sexy this morning, if you don't mind me saying so. What? You didn't realize that I could see you? You have underestimated The Bev yet again, I see. Muahahahahaha!

Ahem. Okay, enough of that silliness. You all want to hear about what a great time I had with Mala on our date the other night, don't you? Of course you do!

Here's a preview of how this story ends:

But let's start from the very beginning (a very good place to start...). On Saturday I peeled myself off of the sofa and went to get a mani/pedi with Mala, which is always an interesting experience. The place we've been going to is as un-shi-shi salon as they come; it's more like a Vietnamese sweat shop. The women who work there are all teeeeeny tiny creatures who spend 12 hours/day sanding down giant American feet while horrible movies play on an endless loop. Every time we go, it's a movie we have no desire to sit through, and this time it was no exception. The movie was Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself, and dood, it was depressorama!

Also, the lead actress reminded us of someone, but we couldn't put our finger on it.

Then it dawned on us - the answer was right there in front of us all along! Her doppleganger was swimming around in an algae-infested tank, in keeping with our Hell on Earth motif.

Those of you who remember my last post about this place will be glad to know that the fishies are alive and well!

I've decided that this nail place and the poor ladies therein exist in one of the circles of Hell: eye to eye with people's calloused February feet, cleaning out their toe jam, while watching a Madea movie? Yeah, definitely a scene that Dante left out of The Inferno.

ANYWHO, we managed to put our moral issues aside and simply enjoy the vibrating massage chair, scorching hot whirlpool foot bath, and excellent company. Well, we enjoyed the chair after we figured out how to turn off the "ass rape" feature; seriously - who exactly wants a hard moving poky thing jabbing at your buttocks while you're trying to enjoy a massage? Hmmm, never mind - don't answer that.

Once our nails were did and we freed ourselves from the Tyler Perry spell we we went to dinner, where what little voice I had was completely obscured by the din of several large parties in the dining room. This is when we started communicating largely in hand signals, which was interesting. Thankfully Mala's powers of telepathy were working well that night, but I'm still not used to having my friends order my meals for me. They don't seem to mind being the dude, but it's always funny when they tell the waiter, "The lady will have the salmon and a big-ass honkin' chocolate martini. Actually, make it a double." Hopefully by the time I get used to that my voice will have returned to its original glory.

We had 90 minutes to kill before the movie started, so before we left the restaurant we requested some to-go cups and made a quick stop for some libations.

Ha ha! Just kidding, we didn't really get Carlo Rossi. Mala just wanted to show off her big jugs.

We did get a couple of bottles of cheap wine, and we couldn't resist this one in particular, just because of its name.

As one would expect from an $8 bottle of Chianti, it tasted more like "My Cousin Vinegar" than Vino. But whatev.

We went to the movie theater and bought our tickets to see Shitter Island, then proceeded to have a few lovely glasses of wine in the comfort of Mala's car. Why? Because we are KLASSY. Obviously.

We just hung out, listened to music, sipped our wine with our pinkies extended, and laughed about how awesome we are. Good times! Then we took some horribly unflattering photos of ourselves making dorky faces and showing as many of our chins and forehead wrinkles as possible, and that's how the first photo of this post was born. That's clearly the best of the bunch.

Don't hate us because we're beautiful.

The movie was good, btw, but not fantastic. We both liked the mind-bending aspect of it and the twists at the end were intriguing. I found it to be more sad than scary, though there were some very ominous scenes that were reminiscent of Scorcese's work with Cape Fear.

So that's that. On Sunday I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I hoped it could be, and more.

Hasta la pasta!


MJenks said...

*slowly lowers his hand and leaves the room, head hung in shame*

Samsmama said...

Dammit. I can't believe how long I sat there trying to figure out who that actress looked like, only to scroll down and see that sad fish. Nicely done.

Love the pictures! You girls give me serious hair envy. And Mala's jugs are "top of the line".

Later tater!

Mala said...

Hmmmm, in only ONE of those pictures was I *trying* to look cross-eyed. Fabulous. sigh.

Good times as always Bevers. We is classy! But I think we need to go back to OK Nails because they have the courtesy to ply us with fuzzy pink wine. Yeah, you want our business, that's what ya gotta do!

Now off to figure out what exactly Jenksy means by his comment. It's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma, deep-fried in a WTF.

Anonymous said...

ok, LMFAO @ "ass rape" and those stupid massage chairs. I KNOW! i hate those things. a pedicure is supposed to be a relaxing experience, not a rectum-tightening fright fest! and you crack me up with your description of where these women come from. i guess lotioning giant, calloused feet is better than what they were doing with their lives back home (?) sad, really. oh, right - leaving moral issues aside... ;)

next time, bring the big red solo cups. for me. please? :)


mo.stoneskin said...

You extended your pinkies? At what angle? In the style of the upper-classes or in the style of the wannabees?


MtnMama said...

Ah, girl, I so wanna hang out with you - so much more fun and relaxing than how I spent my weekend. *sigh* Doesn't everybody drink cheap wine in the car before the movie?Laughed my way through this post... especially love your pictures. Crazy eyes!

Bev said...

Jenks - I've asked 3 people, and none of us understand wth your comment means. Just sayin'.

Smama - Hair envy, eh? Well, we do pride ourselves on having rockstar hair. Come on up to NH and we'll get you all fixed up! You can borrow Mala's extensions.

Mala - HA! Your eye isn't so much lazy as it is bored, right? It just likes to do its own thang!

And yes, I'm all for going back to OK Nails... although they made us endure "Deconstructing Harry" or whatever the fuck that movie was. GAH!

Anon - Yeah, I suppose giving endless pedicures all day long has to beat working in a brothel or a rice paddy... D'oh! Bad Bev! So un-PC.

Mo - wannabes, for sure!

MtnMama - Crazy eyes are my specialty! If I had a nickle for every photo that exists of me giving crazy eyes... I'd be able to fly to CO to hang with you!

Mala said...

I like to think it's just unmotivated, is all.

Mike said...

I see a good time was had by all.

Elliott said...

I believe Jenks is referring to the 'Ass-Rape setting' and the previously rhetorical question of who wants such a thing.

At least that's how I read it.

Nice jugs, too. And the wine's not bad, either.

Samsmama said...

"who exactly wants a hard moving poky thing jabbing at your buttocks while you're trying to enjoy a massage?" That would be MJenks. Next time, call me.

Mike129 said...

Hahaha! Props for working "ass rape" into your blog. Not just anyone can pull that off you know!

(But you can tell me, and I'll keep the secret to my grave: You would have enjoyed that setting if there weren't all those other people hanging around, right? Shhh! Don't tell anyone else.)

Mala's jugs are impressive. I'm still hoping to see yours one day. :)

Samsmama said...

Dammit, Elliott!

Oh, and I've got some clip in hair from my wedding, I'm just challenged at doing it myself. So I keep it all in a bowl in the cabinet. Sam saw it once and asked Dave "is that all the hair Mama has lost?" Seems I shed quite a bit.

Elliott said...

Oh, I may have to remove my comment, I like Samsmama's better...

Samsmama said...

Hold up! I want to go on record that by "call me", I meant that Bev should have asked me, as I knew the answer. Not that I want anything to do with ass rape, or assisting with said rape. Just so we're clear.

Elliott said...

That's not nearly as funny. I say we all just go with our first assumption...

Bev said...

Mala - Just like me! Not lazy... unmotivated. I like that.

Mike - always!

Elliott - Today's "Aha Moment" compliment of Elliott! Thank you for translating.

Samsmama - heeee!! Yes, yes, we all know you're down with the ass rape. ;) Clearly, you and Jenksy would get along just swell.

Mike - Shhhh!! I told you not to tell anyone!

Oh, and all you need to do is peak through my archives (ooh, that tickles!) to see some cleav, but nobody gets to see the full monty unless they buy me lots of drinks first.


Samsmama - Ok, so you keep a bowl of hair in your cabinet? That won't scar Stink for life. Oh no, never.

Elliott & Samsmama - Sure, sure... that's not what you meant. Uh huh. Heard that one before....


Anonymous said...

did someone say anal sex?

Lindsey Himmler said...

That top picture is hilarious! Love it!

Heidi Renée said...

We keep the spare hair in the shower for safekeeping. And we could always pluck the cats if we run out of our own. If Cary's eyebrow ladies haven't gotten to them first.

I am grossed out by my own comment.

Laurie said...

Looks like you two had a BLAST! I am going to try the school down the road tomorrow for a mani pedi. They are soooo cheap so I gotta try em. Glad you had a good time!

calicobebop said...

Girl, you're living the high life. I'm jealous of your girl's night out adventures! Must make some of those for myself!!

Melissa said...

Great. Another Sound of Music song looping endlessly in my brain! Thanks!