Thursday, February 25, 2010

TMI Thursday: How I Dented My Derriere

As I was flipping through the Restricted Section of my mental library this week and pondering which juicy tidbit I should share with you all on LiLu's TMI Thursday, I realized that many of my stories fall into three categories:

Crazy things I've done while drunk
Amusing vomit stories
Dirty, dirty sex tales

I've already talked about the first two, and I told a story about gettin' jiggy wit' it last week, so I need to mix it up today if I want to keep things fresh, am I right?

Today I will tell you a tale from my childhood, and you will like it, goddamn it.

Today's tale: In which I scar my ass for life.

I was maybe 6 years old, and it was summer in Vermont. My grandmother and her friend Lilah were visiting from New Jersey, and I was all juiced up on excitement and Freeze Pops. My father owned a furniture company, and for some reason he had rented a U-Haul for the day; I suppose his delivery truck was otherwise occupied. He and his workmen were loading heavy furniture up into the truck via a big wooden ramp.

For some reason that now escapes my logical adult mind, I saw the wooden ramp and decided it looked like a... GULP... slide. While the men were inside getting another helping of back pain I crawled up the ramp and yelled out to Grandma and Lilah, "Hey! Watch this!"



I sat my previously-unblemished six-year-old ass down on the wooden ramp and slid.

Does that not just make you CRINGE to your very CORE?! Good lord!

As the 4" long wooden splinter embedded itself firmly into my right butt cheek, I proceeded to scream like a banshee. My grandmother came running to my aid, but there was clearly not much to be done right then and there.

Thus it came to pass that two white-haired little old ladies in their late seventies each took hold of one of my arms and together hauled a screaming, crying child half a mile down the street to our house.

Once at the house, my mother sent me to lie face down on her bed and arrived moments later armed with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a pair of tweezers. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it, closing her eyes for just a moment, before saying words that I'll never forget, "Well, Pookus (shut up), this is gonna hurt."

She wasn't lying. It did hurt, and if I had known swear words I'm sure I would have used them and no one would have blamed me for doing so. I cried and shrieked and she muttered and prayed until she had plucked every bit of wood from my little bum, cleaned the wound, and sent me whimpering away.

I don't remember what the scar looked like for many years; kids honestly don't think about stuff like that, and how often do you examine your own rear end? I do remember as a tween that the mark was still there, and was still slightly purplish and hard. Eventually the color faded and just left a thumb-sized indentation, which remains to this day.

And that, my friends, is how I ruined my chance of becoming a thong model. If it weren't for that one little mark.... Ooh, curses!

ha ha.

The End.

37 comments:

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Haha! What a FANTASTIC story! Thank you for sharing this, and for the terrific morning laugh! I'm sorry about your whole "thong model future," but look at the great story you have to tell!!

Hi! I'm new to your blog and I'm so glad I stopped by! You're FUNNY! I'm your newest follower! Cheers!

New England Girl said...

Ohhh, I am in some serious pain just reading that! Ouch... but I did laugh - sorry to find humor in your misfortune. :)

Elliott said...

I was clearing vines from our fence and took a splinter about that large under the fingernail. Amazing how much that burns.

As a six-year-old, I'm sure it was a thousand times worse, not knowing any swears with which to dispel the pain, like a voodoo chant.

Pookus. he he.

Mala said...

OHHHH... OUCH, OUCH, OUCHIE!!! Poor little 6 year old Bev.

And you know the picture of Stuart made me smile.

Fabulous TMI!

BigSis said...

Ouchie! Great story and I LOVE the Harry Potter reference. I'm a dork like that.

MJenks said...

Well...Pookus...I'm glad to hear that you've recovered. Mostly.

Senorita said...

Ouch !!!! My mother would have lectured me while pulling out the splinters and possibly punished me after.

I never got a splinter lodged in my ass, but I do remember riding the workout bike as a teen, standing on the pedals while riding, and immediately falling and therefore bruising my vag.

Travis said...

Freeze Pops.

Cocaine.

There really isn't much of a difference.

T said...

Honey, that's not a cellulite dimple, that's a scar from the wood I was sliding on.

That sounds dirty.

calicobebop said...

Poor thing! What a traumatizing experience! I will have to remember that next time I get a U-haul - don't slide down the ramp!

Frank Irwin said...

OUCH!

You didn't ask your mom to kiss it for you?

Mike129 said...

Hahaha! Ouch!!! Hahaha!

Pookus (bwahaha), I am sure your ass is quite fine. A little bit of character never hurts. Well, getting the character often does....

Sympa Thea said...

Can we get a pic of the dent, pls?

Bev said...

AFANM - Welcome! Love your name, btw. True 'dat.

NE girl - I've missed you! And please, laugh at my misfortune, and learn from it. Lest you should consider sliding down a wooden plank....

Elliott - Under the nail? TORTURE! I'd rather take it in the bum. Say it with me: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Mala - Stuart was for you, of course!

BigSis - I'm also a big dork, so we'll get along just swell!

MJenks - Sigh. I... oh nevermind. Just don't call me late to dinner.

Senorita - OW! That sounds quite painful. Nothing like a bruised vajoojoo....

Travis - SO true! But Coke is more expensive. I mean, I hear.

T - Celluite dimple? Moi? Bite your tongue!

Calico - Thanks! It was traumatic, but little did I know it would be good blog fodder 28 years later!

Frank - No, but you can! :-*

Mike - I don't hear any complaints!

Sympa Thea - Heee, there's always someone who wants photo proof. I'd show you but I'm sitting on it right now. Sorry.

Liz Tee said...

Aaargh! I feel for both you and your mom. I had to pull a significant splinter (not as significant as yours!) out of the inside of my daughter's thigh when she was about that age and it was not fun for either of us.

Thanks for sticking that story in my head, btw. Now I'll be walking around the rest of the day with my butt cheeks clenched.

Kate said...

Oh Bev, Oh...I don't even know what to say. I am a little bit nauseous just thinking about it (the large splinter, not your ass. The thought of your ass makes me, well, never mind.)

Salt said...

OMG that story just gave me bad goosebumps. Holy OW! Scars are hardcore though...your ass has character!

P said...

oh my god, how bloody PAINFUL does that sound!!!!

Samsmama said...

Well done, Bev! The mental image of your mother mustering up the courage to perform the splinterectomy was wonderful! Pookus? I would never judge you.

Sincerely,

Poochie Woochie

Low Expectations said...

ouch ouch ouuuuch!!! great story!

MtnMama said...

Even your "sports injury" stories are funnier than mine! I have a nasty scar from a wooden stake on the roof of my mouth, but I had to pull it out myself.
hmmm... that sounds bad.
I have yet to deal with anything with my child as bad as the scrapes I got myself into (runs and hides)!

LiLu said...

AH! I had one of those too... and I am now eternally grateful it was in my FOOT and not my ASS!

Bev said...

Liz - HA!! Thanks for the visual. I'm clenching right now, just thinking of it!

Kate - the thought of my ass better make you dizzy with excitment, lady. That IS what you were gonna say, right?

Salt - HI! Aren't you somewhere warm & tropical right now? Thanks for coming by on your honeymoon! And yes, scars are hardcore, and I have a lot of them... so I'm the hardcorest.

P - thank goodness I don't remember the pain, just that it hurt!

Samsmama - Poochie Woochie! Awwwwww! Aren't we special?

Low Exp - thank you!!

MtnMama - I need to know how you got a stake in your mouth. heh heh...

LiLu - Exactly! You can model the thongs for us both, ok?

Cary said...

I've heard of having a stick up your ass, but not like that. On the bright side, you got a nice toothpick out of it.

Lindsey Himmler said...

Oh god. That made me shiver, literally. Splinters are the woooorst. I dread the day I have to pull splinters out of my children.

onebadmamajama said...

I would love to hear your mom's side of this story! LOL As a mom who has pulled numerous splinters out of the hand of her children (alas, no ass splinters..yet!), I can't believe at some point she didn't have to hold you down to finsh the job! haha!

Sorry to hear about your thong modeling gig, though;)

onebadmamajama said...

stalking!

Frank Irwin said...

No "junk in the trunk" comments, yet?

I'm disappointed.

ClevelandPoet said...

just find a thumb sized scar on the ass fetish place and you can model thongs there.

Brooklyn ML said...

I once squatted to pee in a bush and sat on a stick. I peed wood for about a week.

Melissa said...

I have to say I relate to this one, except not in the ass. What a weird sentence. But no, when I was 5 or 6, I got a splinter about that long in my foot. I was playing barefoot in the little park near my apartment building and somehow managed to get a piece of wood into my foot... it looked like I just slid it under the skin, like butter under chicken skin. But wood. Hurt like a mofo getting it out, oh yes.

Awww Pookus. *Pinches Bev's cheeks*

tracey said...

I had to extract lumber sized splinters from my 4 yr old's feet (walking on the boardwalk at Jones Beach barefoot - cost me Mother of the Year Back in '02). It was worse than the time she severed the tip of her finger in a door. Not kidding. There was waaaay less screaming with the hand injury.

I myself have a spectacular scar that splits my cleavage. I gutted myself when the branch I was standing on broke & i hugged the tree to try to save myself. Instead, slid all the way to the ground. I was 10 & didn't have much cleavage, but the wound was pretty spectacular - so spectacular that my Mom called our neighbor to come over & perform surgery with Q-tips, tweezers, hot water & hydrogen peroxide. I got a lecture about climbing trees to accompany the searing pain. Good times. Good times.

Heidi Renée said...

Everyone's horrible injury stories have me squirming in my seat. I keep visualizing things and... I have to stop. And I caaaaan't.

Frank Irwin said...

I hope that you're not sitting on a wooden ramp, Heidi!

Jillinator said...

bwaaahaaaa! that was GREAT! Unfortunately all the indentations on my bottom are simple cottage cheese ass... sigh

Carol said...

crazy funny story, just saying,C.

supercynic said...

(Forrest Gump voice) Sorry about your buttocks.