Thursday, February 18, 2010

TMI Thursday: You got what where?!

Yes, folks, another tale of debauchery brought to you by LiLu's TMI Thursdays, and the letter U.

U is for uncomfortable, which is how you're going to feel after reading this. Enjoy!

When I was a wee lassie of about 17 I had my first serious boyfriend. I'd dated other boys before, naturally, but this son of a preacher man was the one with whom I went all the way... and we went all the way every chance we got.

Since we both lived with rather strict and annoyingly-present parental units, we used to go all the way outside pretty frequently during the warmer months. Hey, it was northern Vermont - there were lots of secluded spots in which to boink! Once the temperatures dropped we took to the shelter of our cars, which is yet another reason I plan to be a bitchy mom who never lets my sons borrow my car.

Screw teen spirit! Why does my car smell like sex?!

One time in late summer/early fall, we went to one of our favorite au naturale spots and started getting our freak on.

(cue Barry White)

A day or two later, I started to itch. Not just a little "Ooh, I have a little tickle; I think I'll scratch it and feel relief" kind of itch either... it was a claw at your skin like the town crazy on acid level of scratching. Soon enough, raised red splotches and spots appeared all over, but the majority of them were on my derriere, back, and the backs of my thighs.

I sat there in study hall, scratch-scratch-scratching away at my own ass, wondering what in the name of Judas Priest I had gotten into. A quick check-in with the BF confirmed that yes, he was also itchy and blotchy, but his problem areas were his hands, arms, and... erm, knees.


It was Poison Ivy. Before the end of the week it was EVERYWHERE, and we were miserable sinners who had sinned and now were roasting in the fiery bowels of Hell on Earth.

Ok, maybe that's a touch dramatic, but you get the idea: it sucked.

I remember coating myself in calamine lotion and praying my parents didn't find out. My parents are great people, but talking about doing the nasty and any resulting rashes is just NOT something I felt like discussing at the dinner table. Ever.

Thankfully, within a week the ailment had faded and all that was left were pale pink spots to remind me that I was a fool and an idiot and I deserved every blemish.

Oh, and next time, bring a blanket. ;)


Mala said...





Oh, so sorry. That must have been....


Kate said...

What Mala said.

MJenks said...

The girl I dated before I met my wife had a fetish with fucking out doors.

HOWEVER, I had two things going in my favor: 1, it was cold while we were dating, and 2, I was one a Catholic Campus.

I only bring this up because, when she started talking about doing it outside, I immediately worried about getting poison ivy all over.

And now I see my fear was totally legitimized.

Thanks, Bev.

Kate said...

Is stealing someone's blog comment the same as stealing a facebook status? If so, sorry Mala.

laurieliz said...

I mean, seriously, what exactly did you expect, you whore! I mean underage sex? And in the outdoors like animals? You make me blush all kinds of colors! Me? I was a virgin til I married...;)

Organic Meatbag said...

At least it wasn't the crabs!

Elliott said...

I just don't even know what to say. That must have been awful for him!

Oh, and you, certainly. Yes. Awful.

Mala said...

Kate - No problem. We good!

Travis said...

I've done the nasty outside several times, and I've never caught poison ivy.

I did get a rock embedded in my ass cheek one time.

I'll stop right there.

Check out my TMI!

Senorita said...

Hahahaha ! I once got poison oak on my neck, but damn ! You took it to whole nother level.

T said...

My first serious man friend's mom was a minister and my mom was crazily in my business at home so we did the hibbidy dibbity outdoors a lot.

Thankfully I escaped getting poison ivy on the hoo ha, but I did have to endure a few too many spider and bug bites on the ass.

<3 T

MtnMama said...

Wow - if there was ever a morning I needed a genuine belly laugh!
At that stage in my life, I didn't live far from the beach (Pacific ocean, though, people = COLD) so we often got the bright idea to take a sleeping bag down to the sand and listen to the erotic sounds of waves crashing. The sand gets EVERYWHERE.
And should you accidently fall asleep and wake up at 10 or so the next morning? The sounds of kids saying "Mommy, it's moving!" are really not as erotic as you might think.

calicobebop said...

You poor little things! I can't think of anything worse - you take the cake!

Samsmama said...

I've never suffered an outdoor injury, but once got a terrible bruise on my knee from the seat adjustment lever in the car.

I've also never had poison injury, but stories like yours always make me think of an episode of LA Law (hello, old lady) where they were camping and had to use leaves for TP. Needless to say, they chose wrong.

OK, long, winding comment is now over.

Samsmama said...

What the f**k is "poison injury". Wow, quite the comeback I'm making.

Anonymous said...

Midwest, midsummer, middle of the pool deck, late at night...mosquitoes! ;^)

Frank Irwin said...

Learn from the animals! Why do you think they do it doggie-style? No butt rashes!

And...what Kate said.

Mike129 said...


Most excellent!

Yes, bring a blanket. ;)

Salt said...

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I hate poison ivy and am beyond allergic to it. I can't even imagine having it all up in my unmentionables!! Hahahahahaha!!

Bev said...

Ha ha!! I love how traumatized some of you were by this story... yet most of you weren't surprised. It's almost like nothing I can say or do would shock you people anymore.

Must fix that next Thursday.

(evil cackle)

Thanks for the comments! xoxox

Heidi Renée said...

I am an indoor-only kind of gal. I'll never say never, but so far... nope.

Lucy said...

Too funny and a very good reason why I like to do it inside!!!

Melissa said...

Never the poison ivy, but I did get a crazy (Texas crazy species... I dunno...) spider bite one time on my wrist. That thing was freaky.

And Bev, truly I was expecting worse. I thought you got it on your... um, well, I don't know you well enough to say snatch yet, do I? Ahem.

Brooklyn ML said...

Did you get the itchies in your privates too??? 'Cause that reeeeeealllly would have sucked.

Cary said...

I think God was trying to tell you something.