Thursday, March 18, 2010

TMI Thursday: Karma is a Bitch named Curtiss

I'm back on the TMI Thursday bandwagon! As always, head on over to LiLu's place if you crave more tales of debauchery.

Fair warning: This post is not for the squeamish. I mean it.

Today we're going back to my senior year of college. It was a Spring day much like this one: clear blue skies, warm weather, the muddy scent of thawing ground permeating the air. I lived in a rented house in Burlington with four other girls. Recently one of the girls, S., had gotten a Husky puppy with her boyfriend. The dog was a female that they inexplicably named Curtiss after a male character in a Cheech & Chong movie. S. and her boyfriend broke up shortly after acquiring the puppy but were sharing her custody and care, however Curtiss spent a good deal of her time at our house.

I love dogs, but Curtiss was pretty annoying. She whined incessantly (Huskies don't really bark) and wasn't completely housebroken, and S. treated her like a child and spoke baby-talk to her in a manner that I found to be as grating as nails on a chalkboard. The dog was always up on our furniture and shedding on our clothes, and she wasn't overly friendly to anyone but S.

One day I came home to find that Curtiss had gotten into the trash can in the upstairs bathroom. Three of us had rooms upstairs - S., B., and myself. As is often the case when a group of women live together our monthly hormonal cycles were pretty much synchronized, a fact which became abundantly clear when I stepped onto the landing upstairs and discovered what looked like a crime scene.

Blood...everywhere. Bloody things... everywhere. Smears on the wall, on the carpet, half-eaten tampons. It was horrifying. It looked like Curtiss had not only snacked on the offending materials but had rolled around in them as well. Curtiss herself was cowering in the corner, eying me warily.

Covering my mouth, I fled the scene. By the time I reached the bottom step my other roommates had arrived home from class, and I filled them in on the situation upstairs. After assessing the damage S. asked who still had her period. She and B. had finished theirs several days earlier and we had put the trash out since then, so before too long all eyes were on me.

Now, let it be known that I'm a pretty tidy person; I wrap everything in many layers of TP and sink them to the bottom of the trash can like the disgusting little reminders of fertility that they are. I was flabbergasted when S. and B. suggested that since the garbage been mine, I should clean up the mess.

It wasn't my dog who had unearthed the garbage and ripped it to shreds, mind you! It wasn't my fault in the slightest, yet the jury of my peers had made their decision, and it was final.

I was PISSED. I grumbled and swore and stared daggers at the dog, who kept trying to sneak in and grab more bites as I gathered it up into a Hefty bag. I vowed to get my revenge on my bitch roommates someday.

Turns out, I didn't have to wait long to get some sort of satisfactory revenge.

The next day S. took Curtiss for a walk on the college green. It was another lovely day, and the green was bustling with students walking to class, lying on blankets, and generally enjoying the sunshine after months of dreary winter weather. S. had Curtiss on a leash when Curtiss squatted to poop, but nothing came out. The dog got more and more frustrated and started scooting around in the crouched position, clearly straining to relieve herself.

S. started to get concerned as the minutes ticked away and people started to laugh and point. A dark blush crept onto her cheeks as she followed her panicked dog in her awkward pooping pose, and she finally realized that there seemed to be something blocking Curtiss's rectum. Lifting the dog's tail, she was horrified to see what was undeniably the string of a tampon sticking out of Curtiss's asshole. S. tried to maneuver the dog over to a more private section of the park, but the dog stubbornly refused to relocate and had started whining and nipping at her backside.

It was clear what needed to happen, and there was nothing S. could do but grab the string and pull. Nothing happened. More people started to notice and S. could hear them laughing. She gave another hard tug, to no avail. Finally she sat behind the animal and grasped the dog's rear between her legs and pulled as hard as she could. The dog yelped loudly and laughter erupted behind S. Several hard yanks later, the tampon came flying out along with a huge log of dog shit, leaving S. sitting on the ground holding the world's most disgusting piece of evidence that Karma does exist, and she's a wicked bitch when she wants to be.

Revenge. It is sweet.

The moral of this story: don't mess with The Bev... and put your bathroom garbage in a locked cabinet if you have dogs.

29 comments:

LiLu said...

GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

That karma, she is a bitch. Fo sho!

Mike said...

LOL that's a great story. Made my day.

Senorita said...

I think you've outdone yourself today. This is the best story ever !

And wouldn't you know it, the word verification du jour is "ovuless"

Samsmama said...

I'm having such a weird feeling of deja vu, like you've mentioned the tampon shitting dog before, at some juncture in our relationship. Regardless, that story was beyond disgusting and I hereby vow to never cross you.

Frank Irwin said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHAHHAH!

*breathe*

HAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!

*gasp*

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!

That was some funny shit!

We had a dog that liked to get into those, too (not mine, though!), but she never ingested them, as far as we know.

Your story reminds me of this one.

MtnMama said...

I vaguely remember hearing about Curtiss before too, but I thoroughly enjoyed this. I've had big dogs all my life (except now, booo!) and I've had roommates, and between the two you'd think I'd have invented a lock-down trash can by now. One for the kitchen, too - because nasty old kitchen garbage strewn all over, while not as graphic, is also very unpleasant to clean up.

Love that she had to pull it out for an audience!

BigSis said...

GREAT STORY! Karma's a bitch and that dog was too! My cats like to take things out of the trash can too.

Ginger said...

Ah, Karma. She's a beautiful thing.

I laughed my ass off reading this! New to your blog but I'll be back!

MJenks said...

That...was...AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

I wish a few keystrokes of electronic media could convey to you the sense of wow and hilarity and...well...awesomeness...that swept over me upon reading that story.

I'd applaud, but even that wouldn't do it justice!

JC said...

You made my day, Bev. Laughed so hard my stomach still hurts!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

I cannot stop laughing picturing her pulling like mad on the string and the load of crap that came out! Good lord. And Karma was so generous to make sure you saw it all...I think I would have told that story every time she was around.

Salt said...

GROSS! GROSS! GROSS!!!
But oh such sweet (and gross) revenge! I can't believe those girls made you clean up the mess! S should have just done it to begin with and maybe she could have saved herself some very public (pubic?) humiliation.

Melissa said...

That was one of the best stories Ev.Er. Oh man... hahahaha, thanks for sharing Bev.

L said...

Bravo! New fan!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE that story Bev!! Freaking hysterical. And I do agree with you why did you have to clean up that God awful mess!!

Kate

Bev said...

Thanks, everyone!!!! You all have strong stomachs, and I admire that in people. ;)

Welcome, new people! I like you already.

Mala said...

I think that was a double dose of karma... one for messing with La Bev, the other for naming your dog Curtiss.

onebadmamajama said...

Gross,yes...absolutely friggin' hilarious? Most definitely!

Mental note to self..don't mess w/Bev:)

Cary said...

Great. I just had tomato soup for lunch.

That might be the nastiest story I've ever heard. And I've heard some nasty ones.

Kate said...

Oh good God.

T-Ro said...

hehehehe.
now dat's a funny story.
Me? it's her dog, she should have cleaned it all up.
When my ex and I first started dating, her family dog used to get into the trashcan in the kitchen, so they put a child lock on the cabinet. Somehow, it got into the cabinet while everyone was gone and chewed on the used rubbers my ex put in the trashcan. Her mom came home and found 'em!

ClevelandPoet said...

oh amazing.

friend's dog once came downstairs during a part with her pad stuck to her face.

Brooklyn ML said...

That dog was horrible.

Heidi Renée said...

I thought it was gross that my cats pull used q-tips out of the trash and hide them all over the house, but you definitely win.

Mary said...

can't...type...laughing...too...*gasp*...hard

laurieliz said...

Sooo gross! YOU should have not had to clean it! Her dog, her issue! Bitches! Glad Karma gave a big ole kick in the booty!

Carol said...

I was lol as I read your post. Hilarious story...

mo.stoneskin said...

Good grief, I would have chucked up had I discovered the bloody mess.

Nej said...

Awesome story.

Completely wrong on so many levels...but still, none the less, awesome!!!!! :-)