Tuesday, March 2, 2010

WTH am I lookin' at?

This morning as I drove to work I was feeling rather charitable, so when I saw the chance to let an old man in a giant sedan merge in front of me on a busy street, I took it. I knew immediately that doing so was a mistake.

First of all, no courtesy wave. Rude.

Secondly, he proceeded to go 5-10 mph below the speed limit for the entire 13 mile trip to Bedford, making sure to leave a good 2-3 car lengths between himself and the car in front of him. Every time he saw a police car or a pedestrian he'd slam on his brakes just in case. There was literally a mile-long line of cars behind him, with me leading the slowly crawling parade of coffee-deprived fools.

The real cherry on the crap sundae was when I finally got a chance to pass him. I pulled up alongside him at a traffic light and willed myself not to glare at him, but I did sneak a quick peek at him to see what exactly I was dealing with and was instantly rewarded with the sight of him thoroughly cleaning out his nostrils with his gnarled old finger. His wife sat slumped in the passenger seat, seemingly catatonic and not tall enough to see over the dashboard.

Of course, that scene pales in comparison to what Elliott witnessed this AM, but hey, this is NH, not America's Wang. We can hardly compete.

At any rate, I was inspired to show you a few other odds & ends I have seen over these past two days that also made me ask, "What the hell am I lookin' at?!"

First, Courtney Love has never looked better, right?

(photo courtesy of Dlisted)

Has she turned into a cracked-out Muppet? What is that thing on her head? Why does her skin look like a waxy orange peel? Why, Courtney? Whyyyyyy?

Next, at least Lindsay looks amazing.

(photo courtesy of WWTDD)

Are those motherhumping HAMMER PANTS? Why I oughta.... Girl, I will strangle you dead for wearing those if I ever get close enough, so watch yourself. And what in the world is that fur thing? Where are the Peta people with their buckets of red paint? Even if it's fake, it's hideous!

Why does this make me so angry? I really don't know. It just does, alright?

Last but not least, as I was watching Psychic Kids last night (shut up) I saw a promo that made me question everything I know about television.

Who the HELL keeps giving Kirstie Alley TV shows?

Jeez Louise! She's nuttier than squirrel poop and not the slightest bit funny. Also, this yo-yo dieting thing is really annoying - just be FAT already. Embrace it, sistah-friend. Nobody wants to hear about it anymore. So you're fat. BFD. She wouldn't even have a "career" if it weren't for her inability to step away from the deep fryer.

Frankly, what bothers me most about her is her hair. Why blonde? WHY? Remember on Cheers when she had that gorgeous lustrous thick brown hair? Why must she peroxide herself thusly? IMHO, it makes her look even fatter!

Okay, I'm done ranting for today. I think.

Thoughts? Concerns? Bring it.


Elliott said...

Yeah. Kirstie Alley needs to just go away. "Look, I'm funny! Look, I'm sexy! Made you look!"

Kirstie Alley in women's prison, in a bright orange jumpsuit, women who killed their cheating husbands calling her the Great Pumpkin?

That, I'd watch.

I regularly scream at drivers once I let them in: "Don't make me regret being nice to you!"

I have some anger issues.

Frank Irwin said...

I also hate the lack of a "thank you" wave. Bev, I'll bet the mile line of cars were pissed at you for letting that old geezer in!

I didn't even like Kirstey Alley when she was on Cheers.

I have that same mantra, Elliott.

calicobebop said...

Oh my God - I will cut a bitch that doesn't give the courtesy wave. Seriously!

Kirstie Alley has a new show? Where I have been...

Laurie said...

I dunno...I think Kirstie Alley SHOULD get healthy. I read something somewhere that she would eat pasta with a half a stick of butter. Holy heart attack! There is fat and there is FAT...I mean some people like the occasional drink and some pizza or yummy alfredo sauce...I think its on a whole other level when you are basically drinking butter and gaining like 70 lbs in 5 months! I just think she should do it OFF TV. I mean get a trainer and chef or order meals and have at it! Geez!

PS Hate when you are nice to someone and it bites you in the ass. HUGE pet peeve!

Cary said...

You and all the cars lined up behind Grandpa made me think of people lined up at the In & Out Burger restroom waiting for Kirstie Alley to drop a double-double. I wouldn't follow that for all the tea in china.

Cary said...

Oh, and Lindsay and Courtney both have been on my dead pool list for the last three years. C'mon ladies, somebody cack already so I can win some $$$.

Deb said...

Courtney Love - the female Keith Richards. That is the scariest picture; she reminds me of that old puppet Madam! Remember her, from Solid Gold??? Creeeeepy.

BigSis said...

I agree - Kirstie Alley isn't even funny. I'm overweight, but at least I'm funny - can I have a show?

Liz Tee said...

Ah, I can tell you are still but an egg. It is MUCH easier to camouflage gray with blonde. I was brunette and proud all my life... until my follicles betrayed me and left me with this dead mouse brown mess.

Talk to me in ten years about the blonde, 'k?

Bev said...

Elliott - Yeah, I'd watch that too! But only if someone shanks her at some point. $10 says pudding comes out instead of blood.


Frank - You're probably right! I know I hate tailgating so I was forced to ride my brakes the whole time....

Calico - Don't worry, I'm sure it won't be on the air for long!

Laurie - You're right, she shouldn't be eating gobs of butter for health reasons. My point was only that she has made tons of money off of this whole fat/skinny/fat thing, and I think it's nuts. She needs to stop binging, sure, but frankly I don't know why she thinks the public CARES what she eats at all.

Cary - LMAO @ "double double." Double double dookie. Ick! You're right though - she looks like she could fill a bowl.

And I want in on that pool action!

Deb - Of COURSE I remember Madam! I loved Madam. The best part of Solid Gold... well, except the dancers. You know I love sparkle and jazz hands!

BigSis - If I were handing out TV shows, I'd definitely give you one!

Liz - Good point, and I'm sure I will go lighter as I get older. But not platinum blond. Hellz no!

MJenks said...

Well...it seems as though dabbling in the Dark Side of the Force has finally had its effect on Emperor Palpatine...er...I mean...Courtney.

"Now Young Cobain...you will die..."

Also, one (as in me) wonders if the carpet matches the drapes on Ms. Alley. Or perhaps she goes with the linoleum look.

And, how does one (as in me) find out the answers to these riddles?

Senorita said...

I've caught people digging for gold at a traffic light before, haha !

Kirstie Alley looked so hot 20 years ago with her natural hair.

I don't care if people are fat or not. It's when it's such a TV event that it pisses me off.

MtnMama said...

What I hate about KA is how she thinks -and talks about - how every single thing she touches is the most creative, original, fabulous thing in the WORLD, and that her fat is somehow charming.
She isn't just getting a new show (which is just cameras following her around in her daily life as she loses the weight - YAWN) she has now launched her own Organic line of diet food. Of course.

I saw the whole mess on Oprah (shush, you know I'm unemployed) and it was mystifying to observe.

Courtney makes me feel young and beautiful.

onebadmamajama said...

Fat celebrities? Who cares?! Like I'm gonna take diet advice from KA. I agree that she is nuttier than squirrel poop!

Yowza, Courtney looks horrid! Thanks for putting the name with the face. I couldn't remember Madam's name!

And, the only thing worse than no courtesy wave for being nice is the "I'm waving cause I almost caused a major traffic accident and killed you but somehow waving makes it alright" wave! I get instant road rage when that happens.

Bev said...

MJenks - I think you should go to LA and stake out the In 'N Out Burger until you find her, then ask about her linoleum.

She seems nice.


Oh, and the Senator Palpatine ref is da bomb. Thank you!

Senorita - yeah, she was once a pretty lady. I wish she'd stop dressing in these crazy bodices with flowing skirts, too. Ok, it is becoming more and more apparent that I just hate everything about Kirstie Alley. Huh, who knew?

MtnMama - You are young & beautiful and Courtney Love is a ghoul. End of story.

And I missed that Oprah, but I did catch the one a few years ago when she debuted her new "bikini body."

Yeah, I still need therapy for that one.

OBMJ - Oh yeah, that wave is the WORST! "Oops, sorry I almost squashed you! We cool?" That only works when there's inclemant weather, methinks. Then it's like martial law out on the streets....

Stacie's Madness said...

shit fuck, glad you got that off of your chest.


Samsmama said...

I seriously doubt the linoleum theory. From what I understand, it's been YEARS since that area was visited, so I doubt she cares. And since she can't see her lady bits, I'm guessing it's probably more like shag carpeting. I did think she was pretty hot back in her Cheers days. Then she ate Norm and now look at her.

MJenks said...

Oh, man, two great tastes that taste greasy together: In 'N Out Burger and Kirstie Alley!

I'm sure there's not many people lining up to ride THAT train. I'm sure I'll learn about her pubic hair handlings first hand.

I'll fill you in. Right after I'm done filling her in.

Oh, I'm on fire.

MJenks said...

Samsmama: Are you saying that it's like a moldy grilled cheese sandwich down there?

Do. Not. Want.

Samsmama said...

MJenks, just imagine yourself pulling apart a cold grilled cheese and I think you'll get a glimpse as to what it would be like. (Ya know, I'd been craving a GC after reading LOTD, but I'm suddenly over it.) And that "on fire" feeling? Little penicillin should clear that right up. ;)

totalblammblamm said...

On a serious note, every time I see Courtney Love I die a little inside for her daughter. How is that kid going to turn out?

On a lighter note, your whole post made me laugh so hard I think I tinkled myself just teensy bit (damn aging). ROFL @ cracked-out Muppet. Also. I LOATHE Kirstie Alley and wish she would just fucking gain enough weight to show up on one of those Discovery Health shows where the person is like 1,000 pounds. Or explode. Or just become a food beast or something. That's prolly good meat there, at least. Well marbled, anyway.

Mala said...

You need to get behind the wheel of the SS LandHog. People don't dare to cut me off and if they're in front of me going way too slow, I just make sure my grill fills their entire back window, that usually gets them to move along. I don't know, something about a woman driving a big black truck makes people think twice about fuckin' with you.

And I think KA and Stevie Nicks shop at the same store.

dogimo said...

Courtney Love has entered the Uncanny Valley.

MJenks said...

Well, if it's really that moldy down there, Samsmama, I should be getting the penicillin while contracting anything else, right?

I think I'd still throw it in her. I mean, how many other readers of Bev's blog could say that they've been there. And lived to tell about it? I might be scarred for life, but I would definitely have some sort of badge of honor to carry around with me for the remaining two or three years of my life!

Heidi Renée said...

Kirstie Alley's head is way, way out of proportion with her body. WTF?

PS: Flour, not paint. PETA people only paint themselves.

Elliott said...

Dammit, Heidi, where was the NSFW flag on that second link? Now I have to clear my whole browser history just to remove the taint of PETA from my computer.

Yes, I said taint.

Heidi Renée said...

What, no love for seal suit furries?

This one is NSFW. And NSF people who fear guyliner and crotch-grabbing.

Mike129 said...

See, now, this is why cars need crash bars welded onto the front.