Happy Friday! I'm leaving after work to start our vacation, so posts next week may be sporadic. I'm not sure what the wi-fi situation will be like at the place where we're staying, but I'll do my best to stay in touch.
So yesterday I picked up some booze to bring with us on the trip. I was in the supermarket, so on the way out I stopped by the media section and picked up a new book and some magazines for the train ride, too. At the check-out I saw the cashier giving me the side-eye as I loaded two cases of beer and six big bottles of wine onto the conveyer belt, so I joked, "This should get me through the weekend!" and she laughed. I explained that we were vacationing with six adults for a week, and we chatted for a few minutes.
As she scanned my book, she burst out laughing. I had purchased a memoir called "Smashed," about a woman's journey to sobriety through an alcoholic youth. I didn't even realize the irony until she pointed it out. I rule.
ANYWHOOOOOOOOO, on to the stew! It's a small batch this week, and I'm afraid it might be a trifle bitter for some reason. I think some of the ingredients had spoiled, but don't worry, it still tastes fine. So, what have we learned this week?
THIS GUY is a sex fiend.
Apparently he and his skeletal gold-digging wife both had separate lovers for most of their marriage, and Larry's mistress was his wife's sister. Ack! What happened in those girls' childhood to make them crave (or even tolerate) old man cock?
Suck it, Planet Earth!
On Thursday we celebrated Earth Day by dumping tons of crude oil into the Gulf Coast after one of our oil rigs exploded and then sank. This has to be some sort of retaliation for all these earth quakes, floods, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, wind storms, and bizarre weather, right? Take that, Mother Nature! Don't mess with us humans, yo. We will fuck you up.
(On a serious note: this story bums me out.)
Kim Kardashian sucks.
That's not how you hold a cat, you stupid bitch. Of course PETA was all over her for this picture, and rightfully so. Do us all a favor and stop putting on your pouty "sexy" face for the camera long enough to actually fire your one existing brain cell once in a while, mkay? Actually, while you're doing us favors, just go away.
Everybody's talking about how much Ke$ha sucked on SNL last weekend.
Wait, did anyone ever claim she was talented? I missed that part. I like that catchy, dance-able song Tik Tok, but then again, I like lots of things that are terrible. (See: Twilight and InStyle magazine.)
I have a hot double date with Elliott & his wife Lori this weekend, and thanks to yesterday's TMI story, at least one of them will be thinking about my hairless hoo-ha while we dine. Fan-friggin-tastic! It's all part of my evil plan to insert inappropriate thoughts into the heads of all of my friends, one post at a time....
And yes... I will get Elliott liquored up and take pictures, don't you worry!
Have a great weekend, everyone!