Friday, April 23, 2010

OOBH Stew: Sour Apple Edition

Happy Friday! I'm leaving after work to start our vacation, so posts next week may be sporadic. I'm not sure what the wi-fi situation will be like at the place where we're staying, but I'll do my best to stay in touch.

So yesterday I picked up some booze to bring with us on the trip. I was in the supermarket, so on the way out I stopped by the media section and picked up a new book and some magazines for the train ride, too. At the check-out I saw the cashier giving me the side-eye as I loaded two cases of beer and six big bottles of wine onto the conveyer belt, so I joked, "This should get me through the weekend!" and she laughed. I explained that we were vacationing with six adults for a week, and we chatted for a few minutes.

As she scanned my book, she burst out laughing. I had purchased a memoir called "Smashed," about a woman's journey to sobriety through an alcoholic youth. I didn't even realize the irony until she pointed it out. I rule.

ANYWHOOOOOOOOO, on to the stew! It's a small batch this week, and I'm afraid it might be a trifle bitter for some reason. I think some of the ingredients had spoiled, but don't worry, it still tastes fine. So, what have we learned this week?

THIS GUY is a sex fiend.

Apparently he and his skeletal gold-digging wife both had separate lovers for most of their marriage, and Larry's mistress was his wife's sister. Ack! What happened in those girls' childhood to make them crave (or even tolerate) old man cock?

Suck it, Planet Earth!

On Thursday we celebrated Earth Day by dumping tons of crude oil into the Gulf Coast after one of our oil rigs exploded and then sank. This has to be some sort of retaliation for all these earth quakes, floods, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, wind storms, and bizarre weather, right? Take that, Mother Nature! Don't mess with us humans, yo. We will fuck you up.

(On a serious note: this story bums me out.)

Kim Kardashian sucks.

That's not how you hold a cat, you stupid bitch. Of course PETA was all over her for this picture, and rightfully so. Do us all a favor and stop putting on your pouty "sexy" face for the camera long enough to actually fire your one existing brain cell once in a while, mkay? Actually, while you're doing us favors, just go away.

Everybody's talking about how much Ke$ha sucked on SNL last weekend.

Wait, did anyone ever claim she was talented? I missed that part. I like that catchy, dance-able song Tik Tok, but then again, I like lots of things that are terrible. (See: Twilight and InStyle magazine.)

TMI Fall-Out
I have a hot double date with Elliott & his wife Lori this weekend, and thanks to yesterday's TMI story, at least one of them will be thinking about my hairless hoo-ha while we dine. Fan-friggin-tastic! It's all part of my evil plan to insert inappropriate thoughts into the heads of all of my friends, one post at a time....

**evil laughter**

And yes... I will get Elliott liquored up and take pictures, don't you worry!

Have a great weekend, everyone!



Salt said...

WTF Kim K!? Put that kitty down! She's such an a-hole. Awww that poor cat looks like my Oskie.

This is the first I have heard about that oil rig. That makes me super-sad too. I hope the person in charge gets fired. (Or are they dead?)

I hope you have a marvelous vacation, Bev!!

Frank Irwin said...

What was so sucky about that performance? I like dancing spacewomens!

Anonymous said...

Hey Bev,

Have a great time on vacation next week...I will miss your daily blogging :) And that sounds like a perfect amount of alcohol to fact I think you may need some more :)


MtnMama said...

Laughing at your supermarket exploits, and agreeing with Kate. Six adults? pffft... you'll run out.

Larry is beyond gross. His shoulders are almost to the top of his head; he looks like a 300 year old turtle.

I'm too sad about ANOTHER oil spill to say anything about that.

I am LMFAO at the thought of facing you this weekend... my heart goes out to Elliott and Lori and anyone else who "knows" - and yeah, it will probably be a tad embarrassing for you, too, for a moment or two. Cheers!

Bev said...

Salt - Yes, Kim is an a-hole! Thanks!

Frank - LOL! Ya know, I was kind of drunk when I watched SNL last week, and I didn't think it was all that bad either....

Kate - Thanks, girl!! I'll still blog, just perhaps not daily. No worries!!

Mtn Mama - Oh, that was just the beer & wine. ;) I have to hit the packy today for the hard stuff, and Jim wants to get some local brew while we're there, too.

Nah, no uncomfortable pauses and downward glances from Elliott, I'm sure. I'll be a perfect lady. For a while. WOOT!

Samsmama said...

Hahaha...Smashed. That's awesome. Think I might run out and grab that today. (Need to pick up Cary's book, too.)

I really feel like Larry and Liz Taylor should hook up. But that's just me.

I'm in no way defending that "pee on me" whore, but didn't she somehow justify that pic? Like she was doing it right? I dunno. I was probably drunk.

And speaking of, I had also had a few cocktails when we watched SNL. Why did WE watch it? Becauswe my hubby likes that song. *sigh*

I'm rambling. I'll stop. Have a wonderful time in Florida, God's waiting room. Say "yo" to Elliott and Lori.

Frank Irwin said...

BTW, it's not Spring Break, is it? What are y'all doing with the kids? I hear that it's ok to leave them by themselves once they turn 5, though.

Bev said...

Smama - Funny you say that, because Cary's book is my other beach reading!

Yeah, Kim K. claimed that the on-set animal handlers told her that's how to pick up the cat, but still. I think most intelligent people know that suspending an animal by the skin of it's neck ain't uncool, right?

Your hubby and I like many of the same things... True Blood, Tik Tok, you.... I think we'd get along swimmingly!

Frank - What kids? Oh yeah, them. I guess they can come with us, but they're really gonna slow down our drinking. Fuckin' kids.

Stacie's Madness said...

kim kim...holdin that pussy all wrong.

lmfao on the old man cock, if it pays well I guess.

I like tik tok too, but her other stuff is just...stupid. And not stupid in a cool way.

have an awesome vacation

Mike129 said...

If Kim is gonna' yank up on a pussy, it should be her own.

Put the poor cat down, bitch!

Samsmama said...

Went to the book store and bought his book and Smashed. I'll be in the bathroom all weekend if you need me.

And Frank is right; 5 is the new 15. Kids will be fine alone.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Oh, I just couldn't agree MORE with EVERYTHING you've just written! YES!!! Well done, my dear!! I feel so much better now, THANK you!

Also, have a great weekend!!

Frank Irwin said...

In the bathroom all weekend, Samsmama? I don't remember Cary's book having pictures, but I'm not sure about Smashed.

onebadmamajama said...

Srsly, the thought of Larry King having sex makes me vomit a little. ACK!!! Somehow I think when they say he's a sex fiend, the term has to be used rather loosely. How old is he anyway, 150?!

LOL I hope you guys have a great vacay:)!

Kate said...

How much you wanna bet that Ketchup's dancers begged to wear those helmets to protect their anonymity? WTF is wrong with that girl???

Mala said...

Well at least Kesha (yes I refuse to use the danm $!) wasn't wearing a massively unflattering outfit that made her ass look like...oh wait. Nevermind.

Have fun in FL! We'll miss ya!

Senorita said...

Old man cock is Naaaasty !

Kim says that the trainers instructed her to hold the cat that way, and I believe her.

I've seen cats being held that way before, and explained that it is the way their mothers transport them.

Nevertheless, I was too pussy (no pun intended) to handle a cat like that. I just can't do it.

Elliott said...

Apparently when Joseph Hazelwood is unavailable for Earth Day, they have to improvise.

Watched an episode of 'Ugly Americans' with the sound off the other day (I was on the phone) and they were dealing with a virus that turned ordinary people into Larry King. He really does look like an animation.

Ke$ha? Like the song, but really, is it necessary to try and out-weird the next act? And how pissed do you think her back up band was, making them stand under stage lights inside plastic domes?

And I'm so looking forward to dinner. I even resisted the urge to make you a little muff toupee when I cut my hair yesterday. I'm so thoughtful.

Valerie Wangnet said...
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