Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Semi-Wordless Wednesday: WTF Edition

Why? Because I have no good cell phone pics to share, that's why.

1. From the "Fashion Designers Who Hate Women" file:

Photo courtesy of Yahoo/Getty Images.

"Oh Princess fair, wouldst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?" ~ Troy McLure

First of all, these things are a foot high. 12 freaking inches! Secondly, they're fugly, right? Sure, they look like the ones Lady Gaga wears in the Bad Romance video, but who says we want to wear the crazy shit that Gaga wears? Not even me, and I think she's fabulous.

2. "Plastics, Benjamin."

One time my kid put a sippy cup in the oven when I wasn't looking. When I later turned it on to preheat, the smell of burning plastic filled my house and was impossible to get out despite all the Febreeze and window-opening in the land.

That is the smell that my brain inserts into my awareness whenever I see these pics of Heidi Montag sucking in her stomach for all she's worth on the beach recently.

Doesn't she look like she's in pain? "Owwwwww. My skin's all stretched and hurty! My eyebrows are too blond! I can't move my face! I have Barbie hair!"

Side, note, as a kid I loved to take my Barbies into the bath with me, but whenever I'd wash their long, luxurious blond hair it would get permanently fucked up.

So there's that.

3. My arteries feel soft & supple. Must do something about that immediately!

KFC debuted their new "Double Down" Sandwich this week. It's a bacon and cheese sandwich, but instead of bread it's wedged between two slabs of fried chicken. Uh huh. Because at some point, you just give up, clearly. Our friend Salt recently posted about a chicken and waffles experiment that turned out to be heaven on a plate, so I suppose I shouldn't knock it till I try it.

However, since I'm already struggling not to look like this at the beach on my upcoming vacay:

I think I'll give the Double Down a pass.

Happy Hump Day!


MJenks said...

Far be it from me to say something about fast food making people fat and what not *slaps gut to make it jiggle*.

But, the Double Down does seem a bit...excessive? Why not just pour paste into my arteries?

One of my friends saw the picture of Heidi Montag. And, while I wouldn't kick her out of bed (and, yes, I do hate myself for succumbing to the basal desire to put my dick IN something), she's pretty fucking ridiculous. Those don't even look like breasts anymore.

As my friend (mentioned above) said, "I think they put in those inflatable shelters for her."


Frank Irwin said...

Whew! When I first saw that KFC thing, I thought it was a close-up of Heidi's lady bits.

Bev said...

Jenks - I hear ya! I'm certainly not against fast food, what with my Taco Bell love affair and all, but yes... excessive is a good word for it.

Frank - You are one funny mofo!!!! That comment was perhaps your crowning achievement to date here on the OOBH. Congratulations. :)

Elliott said...

I'll out myself as completely non-pop-cultured...who the eff is Heidi Montag? Should I know? Should I care?

The shoes make me think of the Nat Geo illustrations of dynastic China, where women wore near-stilts...

I have a Waffle House waffle in the freezer, maybe I need to make a run to KFC at lunch and make a poor man's Double-Down Roscoe Sandwich.

Why is my left arm tingling?? Ah, I'm sure it's nothing.

Samsmama said...

Troy McLure, your life was cut too short. :(

Since I have a tiny kitchen with zero counter space, out of desperation I once stored an enormous sheet cake from Sam's birthday in the oven. How could I have possibly known that while I was putting him to bed Dave would turn it on preheat to make a pizza?

I thought the same thing about Heidi "sucking it in." Sucking *what*? Didn't she have all her fat removed? What a mess.

I'm totally going to KFC for dinner. I've gained enough weight here lately, why stop now?

Happy Humping! Today is my Friday.

Elliott said...

Just ignore me...forgot to subscribe to follow-up comments...

and my WV is "punchrod". Don't have a joke yet, but I'll be back...

Rich Girl Red said...

If I was forced to wear those cruel shoes they'd damn better be showing up with a KFC double down or a Heath Bar Blizzard or SOMETHING. Geez. You'd be wheelchair bound if you walked more than 10 feet in those puppies.

I once observed (okay I was eavesdropping) on some guys at the beach playing "which are real and which are implants." (Newest show on the GSN.) I couldn't help but cut their little game short by telling them, "Dudes, it's not hard. Real ones move, fake ones don't. Just drink your beer, Shelby."

BTW, I leave for the Florida beach next Monday and I'm entirely too excited about it. Living in a land-locked state takes its toll, you know.

MtnMama said...

The claw shoes DO remind me of Chinese foot binding. Also of the little kindergarteners at M's school who have taken to wearing heeled sandals. Good god, they are 5 and 6 years old. They are going to have feet uglier than mine someday if they keep that shit up.

Heidi is only on my radar from what she has done to herself. As I've previously said, she is the poster girl for bad body image marketing in my book. You don't even have to look to know she's got Mattel stamped on her ass somewhere.

That bit about her hair cracked me up; M's first baby doll used to go into the bath with her sometimes and her hair is beyond help. We recently tried to rescue it a bit and it looks so funny now.

I don't do anything at all to my hair and people frequently ask me about it, thinking I have a secret. Yeah, don't fuck with nature. Works for me, anyway. It all starts to come home to roost at some point.

Mala said...

No good cell phone pix?? That can't be right. I just found some doozies from Saturday on mine...

Heidi has some how made that DB Spencer seem like the normal and more likable one in the relationship... Eesh. Let's all hope for a really hot day in LA that renders Heidi melted into the plastic recycle bin.

And I too will pass on the Double (Over) Down. I'm still feeling pretty guilty over the Monte Cristo I ate last year... Mmmmm glorious ham and cheese sandwich deep-fried in a doughnut, sprinkled with suger. Mmmmmm....

BigSis said...

Those shoes kill me. Because it's not enough that I'm already 6 feet tall? Let's go for 7. I'm certain I would break my whole body in those!

And, for the record, your dad is a cutie!

Heidi Renée said...

I don't eat fast food, but I'm going to make a vegetarian double down. Because I can. And yes, I'll post pictures.

onebadmamajama said...

Those shoes really creep me out. Something about them seems demonic ACK!

@Frank..high five for the bestest comment of the day!

meleah rebeccah said...

Those shoes are just AS ridiculous as Heidi Montag!

Senorita said...

Oh WOW ! Where to begin?

1. I LOVE Gaga, but I will never wear anything she wears. No way, no how.

2.) Heidi Montag no longer is pretty. I used to think she was pretty, but all her enhancements makes her look 40 instead of in her twenties like she really is.

3. ) I can't believe KFC stooped that low with the Double Down. No wonder this country is full of fat lard asses.

I wonder if there is mayo between the fried chicken, bacon and cheese ?

Frank Irwin said...

Speaking of shoes, I just ran across this blog.

dogimo said...

I just love the idea of a chicken and waffles experiment. That should actually be what they call it, right on the menu.

Elliott, you subscribe to the followup comments? Hey, me too!

That's just good reading.

Mike129 said...

Those shoes look like something you would wear if you were being held under house arrest.

And who doesn't like chicken, bacon and cheese. LOL!

PorkStar said...

Heidi looks hideous, first of all, and the 1ft high heels, damn, that looks like S&M from outer space gear.

That sammich from KMC looks, much more delish than Heidi and Lady gaga.

I'm back to blogging.. kinda... weeee


I have missed the Bevers.

tracey said...

I've been living in a cave lately & haven't stopped by much. So, how've been? How's that wonky vocal chord behaving?

The montag/barbie/melted plastic may be my favorite thing you've ever written. Not sure why, it's just been one of those days.

And the Double Down is KFC flipping the American Heart Assoc the bird. A deep fried extra crispy bird.

Stacie's Madness said...

holy fuck seriously this whole post has me MESSED up.

the way in hell. FUCKING way in hell
and that sandwich, if you want to call it that...will send my arteries STRAIGHT to hell.

Salt said...

OMG! I totally blogged about this sandwich today too! Isn't it the most hideous thing ever?

You are absolutely right about Heidi. The smell of burning plastic does come to mind when I see pictures of her.

And as far as those creepy hoof shoes go, I think I might like to try a pair on. Just to see, like how they actually go on. Outside of that, I would pass.

Nej said...

I wear heels almost every day to work...but there's no f'ing way I'd wear those!

Well....I might try them on at least. I mean...come on, they are kinda cool.

In a "I haven't broken any bones lately, I guess it's time" kind of way.