Thursday, April 22, 2010

TMI Thursday: The Accidental Brazilian

As promised, I'm continuing to put the "T" in TMI here at the OOBH! This one's a doozy, and it goes out to aaaaaaaaaall the ladies.

I've mentioned that I'm leaving tomorrow for a family vacation to America's Wang, yes? I've been running around like the proverbial chicken with its head cut off this week, trying to get all of my work done and get everything purchased and ready for the trip. Yesterday was no different; I crammed some work into the morning hours and then scooted up to Concord to meet Mala for what was supposed to be a little pre-vacay pampering. By that, I mean I had to get my hooves sanded and painted and have a little wax on/wax off action.



We went to a Vietnamese nail/waxing place that we've been to many times before, and Mala has had the waxing done there but I had not. I've only been to the chi-chi American spas.

Since I've been so rushed I didn't have time to do my homework for my writing class, so instead of enjoying the vibrating chair and leg massage I was scribbling on my notepad. After the mani/pedi they whisked me out back to the broom closet torture chamber, and a tiny woman arrived shortly after and rolled up her sleeves, assessing my rolled-up pant legs and still-tacky nail polish.

Muttering in Vietnamese, she tsked over my nails and began unbuttoning my shirt before she'd even said hello. Before I knew what was happening, she had me lying down and she was leaning her full tiny bod over me, peering at my armpits. She was quick and I have to say, the underarms didn't hurt much at all! I was mentally patting myself on the back for having such a high thresh hold for pain when she went for the button of my jeans faster than a prom date.

As I mentioned earlier, I've only been to the salons for this procedure, and here in the States we maintain some sort of modesty at all times. They give you the white terry cloth wrap and a pair of little paper panties to wear, they wear rubber gloves, and they provide a soothing, aromatic environment.

Not so much here at Princess Nails. My nails were still not quite dry so she peeled off my jeans AND underwear in one swift movement, leaving me lying on the table wearing nothing but my bra. I stifled a giggle; I mean, this is absurd, already! I'm no prude but still - lying there mostly naked while a woman examined my lady bits is not something I do everyday.

She stood over me, a tongue depressor dripping with molten yellow wax poised above my crotch, and I stopped her with a wave of my hand and said, "Not all off, okay? Leave this much." I gestured with my hands, indicating which part of my muff I'd like to preserve.

"Ah yes, okay!" She said cheerfully, and I lay back as she started smearing the wax on me.

RRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPP!

I winced, but this wasn't my first time at the rodeo so I kept silent. I'm tough. I can handle a bikini wax!

RRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPP!

Wait a minute. That felt like a lot, and it felt like it was right across the top. I glanced down and confirmed it - she had removed everything on the right side and middle. Inside I started to panic. What if she misunderstood me? What if she gave me a Hitler 'stache? What the hell was going on down there?!

I didn't say anything because hey, you don't piss off the woman wielding hot wax, now do you? She started on the other side and I thought, well, I have to be even, so maybe it's not as bad as I thought.

It was worse. When I finally ventured another look, I realized I was heading straight into Brazilian territory whether I liked it or not, but it was far too late to go back now. However, if I'd known that she was just getting warmed up, I would have put on the brakes....




I don't think I'm being overly-dramatic when I say that the next 30 minutes or so were probably the most embarrassing and painful of my life, and I say this after having gone through cancer treatment and having two babies. This woman got ALL up in my bidness. She was literally pulling me apart and smearing wax in all the nooks & crannies, then ripping it off. Twice, I actually yelped involuntarily ("AAAHHHH, KELLY CLARKSON!") and teared up. It hurt like a mofo!

I've been having annual gyno exams since my teens and this was WAY more embarrassing. She put her face right down there and muttered in Vietnamese while she hunted down every stray follicle. She instructed me to hold my own skin taut (not unusual) and had me spread eagle.

Twice, someone tried to enter the room while I was prostrate and exposed. TWICE.

Finally she was satisfied and I was near tears. After all of that, the leg waxing felt like a walk in the park! I've never felt more relieved than when she was finished. As I swung my legs over the side of the table and started peeling the paper table cover off of my sticky self, she held up a tiny hand and indicated in her broken English that I should assume the position.

Are you fucking kidding me?!!

Yes, one final insult before she would let me leave - she had me bend over the table and hold my bum cheeks. You can imagine what happened next.

When I left I was a sticky, injured mess. As soon as I got back to where Mala was waiting I told her, wide-eyed, what horrors I had endured. She immediately took me to lunch where I had two giant alcoholic beverages, but as we ran errands that afternoon I was a bit of a wreck! The worst part was that we had our class that evening and I wasn't able to get home to slather myself with baby oil and then take a hot shower until after 9 PM.

No, actually, the worst part is that now I'm rocking the porn star/pre-adolescent look, and I am not a fan.

The moral of this story: make sure your waxer speaks ENGLISH before turning her loose on your nether regions!!

38 comments:

Mala said...

I'll be back wne I stop crying in laughter.

Nej said...

(crossing my legs)

(cringing in fear)

Oh, you poor thing!!! :-)

Kate said...

There.are.no.words.

Salt said...

I'm surprised you could walk out of there! OMG she made you BEND OVER? Is that NORMAL?

I know nothing of this procedure. Now I never want to know first hand.

Frank Irwin said...

Oh, ya big baby!

Cary said...

The Vietnamese are having their revenge for 1960-75, one muff at a time. I bet they hang up the hairy strips on the back wall like scalps. You sure that was wax? Might've been napalm.

janiece said...

OMG!! Thanks for linking this Mala. I will stick to my self razor trims aamd wear my old lady undies and swimsuits--especially after reading about your fun!!

Wynn said...

I'm never waxing my sensitive areas. Never.

Mala said...

*gasp* *gasp* Maybe the sound I took as being the Asian guy watching porn really was coming from the back room...

The picture of the pussy is killin' me.

Mala said...

OMG Bev, you forgot to add the over zealous guy that offered (repeatedly) to do your waxing. He reeeeaaaallllyyy wanted to.
Now I have an idea what the 3 of them were chatting and giggling about.

Liz Tee said...

OMG - you have just described my worst nightmare ever. I hope the grow-back isn't too bad... yikes!

It would take two of them and a tranquilizer gun to get me 'cleaned up'. I don't think the Vietnamese are a hairy people - they would be horrified by what I'm packing.

@cary - LOL at the wall of 'scalps' in the employee break room. One muff at a time!

Bev said...

Mala - Laugh it up, furball!

Nej - thank you!

Kate - :)

Salt - I don't think there was anything normal about that experience! And yeah... owwwwww! Don't do it! Ever!

Frank - Orly? I'll give you her number & you can see for yourself, buddy!

Cary - LMAO! RIGHT ON.

Janiece - Exactly. I think I'll just go au naturale from now on!

Wynn - Good idea!

Mala - I'm working on blocking that dude out of my memory entirely, thanks!

Liz - I never thought I was a hairy person until yesterday. Trust me - don't do it!

Frank Irwin said...

Actually, Bev, I was talking about your new-found smoothness. ;-)

onebadmamajama said...

Holy Crap! I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry after reading that. Next weeks TMI Thursday should be great..I hear the grow back itches like a mofo! LOL

Bless your heart:)

Lori said...

I really, really, really hate saying how hilarious this was for me to read, considering the gross injustices that were done for my laughing pleasure.

But thank you! And God help you as it grows back!!!

the security word is 'trapness'...I imagine that's sort of how you might have felt?

Heidi Renée said...

Wow, she took your pants off for you? My husband doesn't even help me out that much.

Elliott said...

You realize, of course, this will be the topic of conversation on Sunday.

"Bev, this is my wife, Lori. Sweetie, this is Bev. She's SMOOOOOOOTH."

I'll get myself banned from the Internet for life. This is on the list of things I don't need to know just hours before I meet someone face to face for the first time.

Mala said...

Furball, eh? At least I stand up and protect my Ho Chi minh trail.

@Elliott - LMAO! Nice.

Mike129 said...

Haha!

I mean, "Ouch!!"

But I bet you look even hotter than ever!

Mike said...

Sorry, but BWHAHAHAHA. I guess you won't be going back there anytime soon.

God I love a good waxing story.

Lori said...

Ooohhh my...my one and only waxing experience left me oozing and bleeding and scabby a few days later...and that was only my eyebrows! I can't imagine the torture of the lady bits. You are a brave woman!

MtnMama said...

OMG! BEV! How did I miss reading this until now? Majorly distracted, but !

The pictures only served to exacerbate the hysterical laughing as I read... No! No! She didn't! Aaaaaaaaaaaa! (sticking with my electric trimmer and razor, thankyouverymuch)

Cary and Elliott are on their game today, no?

I think this pretty much guarantees you a great vacation (thumbing through the Karma manual... page 367)

Bev said...

Frank - that's much, much creepier. ;)

OBMJ - I refuse to think about the grow-back. NOPE.

Lori - You're welcome! Believe me, the whole time I was there I was composing this TMI post for you guys. It's just too out-there not to share!

Heidi - Right?!

Elliott - Dude, I even told Mala that I hesitated to post it because I didn't want you and Lori to be thinking about my cooch at dinner this weekend. CRAP.

I swear if you out me as a hairless cat I will walk!! Of course, after a few drinks I may be the one to bring it up. Alcohol is a fickle mistress.

Mala - TRUE!

Mike129 - Bless your heart!

Mike - No way, Jose! You get one strike with my lady parts, not two, and definitely not three!

Lori - Please, God, don't let my hoo-ha get red and scaley... please...?

MtnMama - Yes, Elliott & Cary totally cracked me up today!! And please, razor/trimmer is where it's at. Don't make my mistake!!

I hope you're right about the Karma! I really need a vacay... now more than ever.

Anonymous said...

holy fucking shitballs.

i have many lady friends who do the hoo-ha waxing. personally, i've never wanted to go that route. i mean, my stuff is already kinda messed up down there from having two kids - why make my messed up bits more visible? besides, the idea of a tiny little vietnamese looking at my Down There and judging me and talking in jibberish? yeah, not my idea of a good time.

in closing, "Good Job." that's about all i can muster.

<3

Samsmama said...

Alright, I think I've finally stopped laughing enough to type.

Holy shit, woman, you have so outdone yourself this time! I applaud you for sharing this story. As if the post wasn't hilarious enough, the comments are just glorious! Adore the "hobbled" picture!

And since I didn't realize you were getting your pits done I shuddered in fear when I read that she unbuttoned your shirt. I was very fearful for where this was all headed.

I'm going to go read this again...

Brooklyn ML said...

I, too, have had to "assume the position." Doggy style on a waxing table. It was humiliating. And very, very uncomfortable. I am squirming in sympathy.

Senorita said...

Hahahaha, you are my hero ! I love your TMIs.

Dude, the Vietnamese waxing ladies have no shame. They don't hold back. I am never going back for a bikini wax EVER. I would rather torture myself in my bathroom.

Last time I went, the Mexican busboy from the restaurant walked in as the lady asked me about my bikini wax. So embarassing.

dogimo said...

When the whole lakes-of-fire bit grows stale, and the wailing and gnashing of teeth from the ostensibly tormented starts getting a little perfunctory, Satan reads your blog for tips.

jessica o said...

For the love of God! Oh, Bev, I hope regrowing isn't uncomfortable. I'm proud of you for only having two beverages, though!

I LOVELOVELOVE that you ladies are taking a writing class, but you know, you are a fabulous writer already.

BlackLOG said...

Sometimes it really does pay to be a man...No Vietnamese psycho is going anywhere near my sack and crack and that's official

Frank Irwin said...

I'm still waiting to hear what hubby's reaction to this was.

Tracie said...

OMG! I'm dying laughing over here. This is so what I needed this morning. Too funny!!!

Bev said...

HA!! So glad you're all amused by my suffering. I count on it every Thursday! :)

*MUAH*

Bev said...

Oh and Frank... keep waiting. ;)

Kate said...

Bev, I will have you know that I dreamed about you and your muff last night. We were in a school lunchroom and you pulled your pants down to show me your recent wax job. Except it wasn't like a pre-pubescent girl. You had the shape of an airplane waxed out of the center of your, well, you know. You're like Freddy Kruger, insinuating yourself into my dreams. Thanks. :)

tracey said...

i'll have a clever/witty comment when i can stop laughing enough to type. my last wax was a by woman who weighed 90 pounds and it was all bitterness. i will have scars that identify me even if i die in some gruesome way that Bones & Criminal Minds couldn't come up with. Pretty sure Cary's assessment was accurate.

Valerie Wangnet said...

Ooh dammn! Hilarious post you have a fantastic flair for humour writing I have to say!!

Great story! Cringe-worthy, but great!!

Val

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Just found your blog from Mala's and literally laughing out loud. And cringing. Then laughing some more. OUCH!