Thursday, April 1, 2010

TMI Thursday: The time I lacked Poise.

Well, look at us: 101 Followers!! Thanks for comin' through for me, peeps! We will celebrate tomorrow with a special party post, so everybody make sure to hydrate tonight and bring your beer goggles with you read tomorrow. It's gonna be a fiesta up in hurr!

Today, however, it's TMI Thursday sponsored by the lovely LiLu. I'm going to keep this one brief, but I'll make it up to you by sharing actual photos taken on the evening during which this tale is based.

This was about five years ago, I believe. My oldest son had just turned two and I had been working out like a fiend to drop the baby weight. I was especially motivated because my dear friend K was due to get married that June in Vegas, and I wanted to look decent for the bachelorette party and wedding festivities. I had finally pried myself into my "skinny" jeans (don't be too impressed, they're not size 6's) and was feeling pretty put-together, body-wise.

Please note that my son was just over 10 lbs. at birth, so things didn't exactly snap right back into place without lots of kegals some working out.

By the time the bachelorette party rolled around in May I was as buff as I get, which admittedly isn't all that buff. It was 25 months post-baby, I was wearing a smaller clothing size than I'd been wearing when I got pregnant, and I was definitely ready to blow off some serious steam with my old college friends.

And blow off steam we did. Friday was pretty tame, but Saturday started with a picnic by Lake Champlain and lots and lots of chilled white wine. We were drunk by noon, so I don't remember too much about what we did that afternoon. I think we shopped, which explains why I have a lime green tank dress in my closet that I don't remember purchasing.

Anywho, that night we went to what used to be our favorite club. In college we'd always hit this club for a college band called Jusagroove; they played disco and funk and dressed up in classic 70's garb. The lead singer wore a massive afro, which I always thought was groovy.

Sadly Jusagroove is no more, but they still had disco night so we proceeded to turn that mutha out! We danced and drank and flirted with jail bait and generally had a fantastic night. We closed the bar down, just like old times, and began the slow stumble in uncomfortable shoes back to our hotel.

Somewhere along our route the bride to be wound up climbing around in a fountain for some reason, and I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life.

It was at this point that I realized that I really had to pee. I mean, really had to pee. Like, I should have gone yesterday. My soggy brain sent a signal to all body parts: Red Alert: Find a bathroom, or a shrub, or some sort of receptacle, immediately! Go! Go! Go!

I confided in one of the girls that things were getting urgent on the bathroom front, but she just said something to make me laugh harder. I was bent in half, legs crossed, trying to stop laughing when it happened.

I wet my pants.

Not a lot, at first; I managed to stop the flow after the first little spurt came out. But still... my undies were definitely wet, and I was mortified.

The next 10 minutes became a mad dash towards our hotel with everyone laughing and trying to make me laugh. The more I laughed the more tinkle came out, and before I knew it my jeans were wet and I knew my goose was cooked. Finally we found an alley way and I copped a squat with another girl and let 'er loose.

Sweet, sweet relief!

Somebody lent me her cardigan and I wrapped it around my waist like an apron to get back up to our room at the Crowne Plaza, and after I was clean and in my jammies we all had a good laugh over it. All's well that ends well, I guess. But still - not my finest moment. Nothing says classy like bringing your balled-up jeans and panties home from a party in a plastic bag.

That's all I got! See you tomorrow. Bring your party hats!


Mala said...

What? It's NOT a party until you shlep your soiled clothes home in a plastic baggie!

Fabulous tale, Bevers!

BigSis said...

Nothing feels as good as a drunk pee - especially when it's not in the bathroom!

Frank Irwin said...

Oh how I look forward to Thursdays!

Bev said...

Mala - True 'dat! I'm all about the bags of poop/pee!

BigSis - Yup!

Frank - Ha ha, I'm glad you likey, Frank. I have no shame.

ClevelandPoet said...

at my bachelor party a drunk dude peed on me while I was peeing in the urinal.

drunk peeing FTW

Salt said...

I have a friend that peed her pants from laughing too hard in a convenience store. So badly so that they had to bring a mop out.

OMG I can't even imagine. At least your friend was nice enough to loan you that sweater!!

These pictures are hilarious and your blog layout looks SO PRETTEH!!!

Mike129 said...


This is an instance where it is definitely easier to be a guy.

And what is it with that censored pic?? What are you trying to hide?

tracey said...

I don't remember peeing my pants after drinking too much. Not saying it never happened, just saying I don't remember ... : )

Bev said...

Cleveland Poet - ACK! That's horrible! I only pee on myself, thankyouverymuch. ;)

Salt - I've been cracking up picturing you say "So pretteh!" all afternoon. You kill me!

Also, getting out the mop? Perfect.

Mike - I'm hiding my friend's lady bits, of course!

Tracey - Yeah, I'm fairly certain this was my only drunken pants-wetting episode, but who knows, really?

onebadmamajama said...

Gotta love TMI Thursdays!;)

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Wow! I need to party with YOU!!

Cary said...

I bet you were... well, you know.

Hey, coulda been worse! Twice as bad, if you get my meaning. Heh.

Rich Girl Red said...

Bev, that is a GREAT story!

". . . began the slow stumble in uncomfortable shoes back to our hotel." Story. Of. My. Life.

I'm convinced no matter how toned your Kegels are, when you have a bladder full of hooch and you get ticked, there's going to be some leakage. I swear I could crack walnuts with mine but fill me with bourbon and make me laugh and I'm looking for some clean drawers pretty darn soon!

Can I wear my tiara for the party tomorrow?

Samsmama said...

Oh, RGR, "I could crack walnuts with mine" made me laugh!

Bev, awesome story. I closed down the bar one night then had to stop at the store for, get this, cat food and a stapler. Had to go like nobody's business. Finally found the restroom, only to discover it was out of order. Began to panic. Cut to me, peeing the produce section. They had a rack of really cheap sweatshirts for sale so I wrapped one around my waist, paid for my items, and bailed. So you can add shoplifting to my resume.

Mr. Condescending said...

Incredible story!

haha, I've been so jaded by TMI this seems totally normal, luv ya Bev!

Brooklyn ML said...

Jusagroove! Ah, good times with them for sure.
Laugh out loud funny, this story.

Brooklyn ML said...

BTW, I once got so hammered that I peed myself while walking across the street. And there were cars. And I was fully illuminated by headlights. Awesome.

Bev said...

Thank you all for making me feel better! Seems like peeing oneself is par for the course among this crowd - AND I F'ING LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU!

RGR, I want to hump your leg for that comment. Ok, not really, but seriously - I laughed so hard that my husband actually had to ask what was so funny!

And YES, wear your tiara! In fact, I insist upon it!

meleah rebeccah said...

Ah yes, drunken peeing in an alley = instant gratification!