Thursday, April 8, 2010

TMI Thursday: When my boobs were not sexy

Mornin', folks! You know what time it is.

LiLu announced earlier this week that today will be her LAST TMI THURSDAY.

*Frowny Face*

I know I got in on this action late, but I have really enjoyed participating in this meme and getting to know the amazing LiLu through her uber-amusing posts. I've also met lots of very cool people through her site, so I'm thankful to her and to all of you for coming by & commenting! I'm sure I'll still do the occasional TMI post, so don't you worry your purty little heads over it, ok? Raunchy Bev lives on, and I still have many a story to tell.

Speaking of, today I'm going to talk about one of my favorite subjects, my ta-tas. Now don't get too excited, because this isn't a titillating tale (heh heh - see what I did there?), but it definitely qualifies as TMI.

You see, after my two sons were born my beloved rack took on a very utilitarian function:

Yes, I breastfed, and my kids were huge and loved to eat. Therefore, my already-large jubblies reached epic proportions and caused all sorts of embarrassing incidents before I, ahem... got a handle on 'em.

Let's start right after my first baby was born. I left the hospital feeling pretty good; D had taken to nursing well and I felt confident in my ability to nourish him. For those who don't know, for the first few days after birth your body does not produce milk, it produces a thin golden liquid called colostrum that is high in calories and nutrients.

Side note: when I told my dad (who used to be a dairy farmer) that little factoid he said, "Oh, just like in pigs."

Um, thanks, Dad.

Anywho! A few days after birth the mom's milk comes in, and when it does, it hurts like a MOFO. Now, my sister had her baby exactly seven days after my son was born, so I remember very vividly the moment when I knew my milk had come in. We had piled our newborn into his carseat to drive two hours north to visit my sister and her new family in the hospital, and on the way up I noticed that things felt... kind of hard.

Like, rock hard. And lumpy. And hurty. When we got to the hospital I gave my parents a hug and they were both taken aback and risked furtive glances to my chest when they didn't think I was looking. But I saw.

I ignored it as best I could and we spent time meeting my baby niece and chatting. At some point I took D to another room to nurse him and that's when I saw that things were... well, things were getting out of hand in the breastal region.

First of all, they were ENORMOUS. Bigger than my head, both of 'em, hard as bricks, and leaking milk. Nursing made it much, much worse. I was completely unprepared and suddenly realized that I wasn't nearly as much of an Earth Mother as I thought I was. I started to panic and searched through my diaper back looking for something to stop the flow, which had saturated my nursing bra and left two large wet splotches on my shirt. I tried TP, but it was drenched immediately. I finally found some panty liners in my purse and cobbled together a sort of semi-absorbent blockage just to get me home.

We said our goodbyes and left in a hurry. All the way home they hurt like bloody hell and by the time I got home I was desperate for relief. I'd read that hot showers help engorgement, so I stripped down and was preparing to shower when it happened.

Did you know that milk can shoot from a lactating woman's breasts with the force of a fire hose? Did you know that it can go pretty far, like, all the way across the room?

Well, now you do. You're welcome.

This went on for days until supply was regulated to fit demand. I discovered the wonders of nursing pads, thank goodness, so eventually I was able to leave the house again, though anyone who has ever nursed will tell you that being out in public with those things is like walking around with a loaded squirt gun and an itchy trigger finger. The potential for embarrassment is omnipresent.

My sister was also nursing at the time, and she once said that the feeling of your milk suddenly letting down in public reminded her of one of our favorite childhood movies, Top Secret!. There's a scene in which Hillary ("she whose bosoms defy gravity") arrives on a motorcycle and sees Nick (played by a pre-bloat Val Kilmer) and her breasts just glow. That's exactly how it feels when you're in a store and your milk decides to let down. Maybe you hear a baby cry, maybe you just think about your baby, or maybe you're even feeling a little frisky. Suddenly, your nipples tingle almost painfully and your shirt is drenched.

It's... it's... okay, it totally sucks.

Just one of the many sacrifices we mothers make to care for our ungrateful spawn little angels!

The good news is that once you stop nursing things do return to normal. Sure, eventually they might resemble two oranges in a pair of sweat socks dangling from my chest, but I am not above seeing someone for a little lift & tuck action at that point. Until then, they're still real and spectacular, thankyouverymuch.

Anyone else have embarrassing lactation stories to share?

No? Just me then? Alrighty then.

See ya!


Mala said...

Kinda like a glimpse into the life of a guy, right? sorta. unexpected engorgment, loaded gun, itchy trigger-finger...
Except, thank gawd nursing ends...eventually.

Cary said...

Be careful with those things -- you'll put your eye out!

This is why one should always have clothespins handy.

MJenks said...

Well...MY story isn't about lacatation, but it does involve tits and white fluids.

And, bravo. Bravo. Hey, can I get that hug you promised me yesterday?

Aw, thanks, Bev.

Oh...oh...that's nice...

Kate said...

My BF's husband says this of pregnant or lactating boobs: "It's like being given a Lamborghini and not being given the keys. All you're allowed to do is sit and look at it."

I don't have anything too embarrassing, just the typical walking through the store with huge wet circles on the front of my shirt and NOT being aware that they were there.

I was really smart and decided to quit nursing Aiden cold turkey(well, pumping actually, he was too little to nurse.) The pain was so awful I vomited. I'm getting nauseous now just thinking about it. Excuse me....

BigSis said...

I can pinpoint the exact moment when my milk came in - absolute pain!

Breastfeeding reminded me a lot of really needing to pee and then... Ahhhh... sweet release...

calicobebop said...

It happened to me in meetings and the mall - every time. I tried to "train" myself to be on the Muffin's schedule but mother nature had other ideas.

MtnMama said...

Hmmm... which memory is fondest? Crazy crying after I came home from the hospital until I figured out it wasn't the breastfeeding, it was the meds? Or the cracked nipples and the joy of enduring until things sorted themselves out?

No, I know! It was having that bitch at work pounding the (locked, thank god) door down and yelling at me to open it NOW while I was pumping on my break? Yep, that's got to be it.

Hard to imagine I did it for 28 months, total. Just goes to show that a rocky start is no indication of future success!

onebadmamajama said...

What? No squirting the hubby from across the room on purpose? LOL

Laura said...

It's such a relief (aaaahhhh, relief!) to know that I'm not the only uber-lactating woman in the world. I could be out and some other random child would cry and I would think "NOOOOOOOOO" as my milk let-down kicked in, dammit. I wish I had bought stock in nursing pads 16 years ago. :D Isn't being a woman fun?

Bev said...

Mala - Yes, indeed! I don't know how guys walk around with those things.

Cary - OUCH! Oh, and also, OUCH!

Mjenks - I'll be right over!

And yes, it is nice. Enjoy.

Kate - Love the Lamborghini comparison - sooo true. And yes, weaning was no fun with my first son. I walked around with actual cabbage leaves stuffed into my bra. I smelled like salad.

Big Sis - Yes! It would actually feel so much better eventually. But those first few days... egads.

Calico - Oh yeah, Mother Nature loves to scoff at "plans" and "schedules."

MtnMama - Goodness, you had a rough time! I nursed D for 19 months, but the 2nd time around with M I was all, "Screw 'dis!" after just 10 months. Pumping at work is THE WORST.

OBMJ - Never on purpose, though he did feel their wrath!

Laura - Over-producers, unite! It's really the one time in my life I can claim being an over-achiever, so I guess I'll take it.

jessica o said...

Nursing. WHEN WILL IT END????? Ava still nurses. She turns THREE in August. Are you fucking kidding me?! I told her that's the end of the road. She says in a sing-song mocking kinda voice, "Okay, Maw-mee."

Embarrassing? No. Milk squirt games? Yes.

And that giant boob picture scaared the shit out of me.

mo.stoneskin said...

No lactation stories from me I'm afraid. Though I did once spill milk ALL over the kitchen floor so perhaps that counts? Oh, and once I suckled no wait I'll stop that story right now.

Samsmama said...

I hated every lousy moment of nursing. I drew the line when I was pumping and looked down and saw blood from an enormous blister. And like Big Sis, I recall precisely when my milk was "delivered". I could even tell you the shirt I was wearing. I'm so glad I was in my own home with not witnesses. But, man, I loved my enormous rack. Evidently my dad pulled my mom aside and asked her if that was normal. Magnificent.

Heidi Renée said...

All I can think of is Fembots. Pew pew pew!

Kate said...

Judging by the title of this post, your boobs are NOW sexy....after nursing?? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN??? Mine look like an orange in a tube sock!

Frank Irwin said...

Mjenks, you may want to think about changing your shirt.

Bev said...

J-O - Good lord, you're still nursing? Bless your heart. I'd have told her to hit the road years ago. :)

Mo - You suckled... what?! I'm on the edge of my seat!

Smama - I didn't mind it, but was definitely not one of these "breast is best" folks. Like everything else, I'm committed to being wishy-washy and live & let live about it!

Heidi - YES!!!

Kate - Believe it. Of course, they look much better in a fantastic bra or lying down, but so far I've had no complaints even when they're hangin' loose.

Frank - it's cool. I'm not presently lactating. PRAISE JEBUS!

Rich Girl Red said...

Embarrassing breastfeeding stories? How much time have you got? Okay, just one. I will resist.

During the early days of nursing my son, kid #2, I was teaching a drama class to about 30 college students. I had "topped off his tank" right before getting up in front of the class to start my lecture. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to hook the flaps back up on my nursing bra. Nor did I remember to place the nursing pads back in their appropriate location. I'm up there just as animated as can be with breasts-a-flopping and didn't even know what I had done until about halfway through when I looked down and there was a nursing pad on the lectern and the other was coming out my neckline. Good times.

Bev, I swear by the cabbage leaf. I managed to get a blocked milk duct with each kid and a lactation consultant (from the La Lickie League) said to put a cabbage leaf in your bra to help pull out the infection. It worked. I smelled like coleslaw and buttered popcorn.

Wynn said...

After hearing about my sisters terrible experience with milk blockage or what it's called when you're filled to the awful brim but can't get anything out, I'm TERRIFIED of that shit. Hell. Why does everything have to be painful and terrible? Brrrrrr!

Elliott said...

Um, yeah. I got caught in the crossfire of the breastfeeding conversation at my new place of employment yesterday. Let's just place this on the list of things I really don't need to spend this much time dwelling on.

Though if there's video, I'm in. Definitely.

Carol said...

I am laughing while reading these posts mainly because it's been so long since I nursed and the memories are both painful and funny. I once called the La Leche lactation lady in the middle of the night crying. I do remember the hard breasts that hurt, the people at work knocking on the door to the utility closet (yuck) when I was pumping and the fact my daughter nursed till she was damn near four. I then figured if she could ask for it she was too old and cut her off. Funny story RGR, Anyway is that a real photo of the boob woman?

ClevelandPoet said...

there was a lady who had a charge added to her arrest because when stripped down she squirted a cop in the face with it.

meleah rebeccah said...

Okay, now I am GLAD I did NOT breastfeed my child.

Senorita said...

Your TMI stories are hilarious !

I have naturally huge ta-tas and if I had a child I would be one large Holstein cow for sure.

Nej said...

Milk stories....hmmmm....yeah....I don't really have any. I'm not a mom, and have no plans of being one (your post subject is on a long list of reasons why). :-)

I can only imagine the mess and embarrassment. I managed a grocery store for years....and you really have no idea how much milk is in a gallon of milk...until someone drops one and it goes EVERYWHERE! :-)

Anonymous said...

i love big boobies. visit me so i can squeeze them