Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Out with the Dong, in with the Ozzy

I fired my Endocrinologist this morning. He had it coming, and it felt really good to cancel that appointment and tell his secretary that I would be finding a new physician. Not only did his bizarre, inappropriate flirting make me uncomfortable, but last time we met he was pushing me to get more radiation for whatever minuscule traces of thyroid cancer might be left in my neck, which I refuse to do. I've been there, done that, thank you very much.

Ten years ago I endured what I jokingly refer to as "The Silkwood Experience." I was 24 years old and the doctors brought in the poison pill on a little metal cart. No one would touch it, but I was about to pick it up and eat it. After I ingested it they all peered at me for a few minutes to make sure I wasn't going to hork it back up, which would have been classified as a chemical spill and would have shut down the entire wing of the hospital. Fabulous! No pressure.

I was in a plastic-lined room in the hospital for almost five days, glowing from the inside out. I was instructed to flush the toilet three times after using it so I wouldn't corrode the hospital pipes with my contaminated pee. The nurses would open the door, slide food inside the room, and quickly shut it again. The garbage piled up and began to smell by day three.... After the second day a dude in a bright yellow Hazmat suit came into the room and stood 10 feet away from me. He'd aim a Geiger counter at me and that's how they determined when it was safe for me to leave and be out among the general public again. It was a pretty fucking terrible experience, overall, and one that I'm not anxious to repeat.

Dr. Duck Dong refused to listen when I told him that my other doctors agreed that more radiation would do more harm than good in my case, and I refused to be bullied. Hence, we reached a stalemate three months ago when I cried into his lab coat as he insisted that radiation was not nearly as bad now as it was ten years ago... and he enjoyed comforting me just a trifle too much. We agreed to do blood work in three months, but over these past months I've gotten more and more angry that he was so insistent on the "standard course of treatment" even though my particular case has been anything but standard since day 1, which was nearly 11 years ago.

Eleven years. I have been dealing with this "garden variety" cancer for almost 11 years. What a pain in the ass.

So I'm finding a new doctor, one who listens to me and takes ME and MY BODY into account instead of spouting what the AMA says. I'm quitting Dr. Dong, but will remain vigilant about my own well-being, as always. For goodness sake, I'm still struggling to get my voice back - the last thing I want to do is nuke my throat some more!

Suck it, Dr. Dong!

In other news, I heard some killer Sabbath on the radio this morning and it put me in a great mood! I know it's weird, but I have a total soft spot for Ozzy. I like many different kinds of music; you all know I refuse to pigeon-hole my musical preferences. If I like the song, I don't care what genre it's in, I just like the song. And I like "Sweet Leaf," goddamn it.

"Shut up, and listen to the Ozzy."

Quick funny about an Ozzy tune, and then I'm outtie: when I went to the hospital to have my second darling son, Mala took D for the night. Apparently they were rocking out to some Ozzy that morning, because as I was sitting there holding my newborn I heard my oldest son coming down the hallway singing, "Ay Ay Ay Ay!" I recognized it instantly, well before he busted into the room with, "Comin' off the rails on a crazy traaaaaa-iiin!"

See? Hospital settings can provide good memories, too.

So there's that. Have a groovy day.


Heidi Renée said...

Good for you! I wonder if you were special to him, or if he got all up in the other ladies' grills, too.

Also, like the picture, after I brush my cats I put the giant wad of fur back on them. I just don't put photographic evidence on the internet. Maybe I should.

Stacie's Madness said...

GOOD luck finding a new dr that will listen to you!

Samsmama said...

Excellent, Bev! I applaud you for standing up for yourself. I'm such a wimp sometimes about that kind of stuff, although I recently made a (not at all as huge) decision about the medical course I'm on.

I like all kinds of music, too, but Ozzy makes me cringe. Even reading that line made me wince a bit. I'm totally in the minority on that one and am OK with it.

Salt said...

Jeez what a nightmare!!! Good for you for kicking that guy to the curb!

Elliott said...

Right on! I hate docs that won't listen to the patient. It makes me sad to have left not one, but two of the greatest patient advocates behind by moving across the country, and I lost my first great doc when my insurance plan decided to bump him from the network.

Our last doc was named Pedro, and Lori always wanted to get a 'Vote for Pedro' tee for her appointments.

wv: emodisis - medical condition where hair turns black or some fluorescent shade and you're suddenly compelled to buy animal-shaped backpacks and AFI cd's. Only known cure is to subject the patient to repeated playing of Anne Murray and John Denver albums while forced to play with puppies.

Harmony said...

Wow..that sounds like a very traumatic experience, sorry to hear that you ever had to go through something like that.

Kudos to you for standing up for yourself..I could take a few notes in that department. F with my kids and you get a hell beast..mess with me? I'll probably let you slide. It's sad, really. I hope you find someone that's willing to think outside the AMA box.

Bev said...

Heidi - I doubt it's just me. I think he's skeevy to ALL the ladies... though as an Endo, I doubt he sees as many young-ish ones as me. Mostly old ladies with diabetes.

Stacie - thanks!!

Smama - I want to hear your news/decision. I will commence to stalking you!

Yes, Ozzy ain't for everyone. In fact, I don't like most of his stuff, but there are a handful of his songs that make my happy happy.

Salt - Thanks!

Elliott - Oh, how I missed your hilarious comments while you were busy moving! Welcome back!!

I love the "Vote for Pedro" idea. I should have gotten a "What's Happenin', Hot Stuff?" shirt for my last appt with Dr. Dong....

Also, I love John Denver. Sue me.

Harmony - Thanks! I'm actually very good at standing up for myself. Too good, sometimes. I get a little "pitbull-ish" when someone tries to push me around!

onebadmamajama said...

Good for you! I hate docs that don't listen and I'll drop one like a hot potato if he/she even acts the least bit uppity.

I like some of Ozzy's stuff too. I don't have favorite artists..more like favorite songs. LOL I have a total mish mash of stuff on my mp3 player.

BigSis said...

Sometimes it's hard to believe that doctors are human. Would they act that way with their own family? I bet they'd be a hell of a lot more sensitive. Poop on them, and go Bev!

Mike said...

Good for you. I suggest to my patients often to switch doctors when they have one that isn't listening or is just a plain ass.

Wow what a story. I knew the treatment from what was taught, but never heard the day to day information. Good luck with it.

Cary said...

No more yankie your wankie. Donger need clue!

Good liddance.

Mala said...

I guess it's about time we tell you the truth Bev. That pill, it was acid. And a really bad and unfortunate trip led you to spending some time in a maximum security prison. Luckily, due to some memory loss, we've been hiding these facts from you.

OK, I kid. Sadly though the whole prison version may have been more pleasurable. That sure did suck. I couldn't wait to get my glow-y friend home.

And good for you for breaking things off with the dong. Wish I could suggest a fabulous doctor, but you know I have no luck myself.

And I ROCK as a babysitter, yes? You're parents seemed so pleased when they picked him up. AYE! AYE! AYE!

Mike129 said...

You must take care of *you*.

I do not know what the right answer is. I am not that smart. But I so strongly and deeply wish that you get through this with the minimum of risk an pain.

I don't know if it really helps, but I am pulling for you. Completely.

Del-V said...

One thing I have learned about radiation exposure from comic books is that it often leads to super powers. Have you have a spider-sense, super-strength or the ability to become invisible? No?! Then maybe you should consult Dr. Doom. I think he is in the Blue Cross/Blue Shield PPO network.

Bev said...

OBMJ - Totally! My iPod is like the United Nations of music. Such a mish-mash, you just never know what's gonna come up next.

BigSis - Thanks! I sure hope he doesn't flirt with his family like he does with me. Ha ha... no, j/k. I agree - would he force his family into radiation? Ass.

Mike - I agree. Some docs forget that they work for the patient. God complex, party of one....

Cary - HA!!!!! Fucking hilarious comment. Thanks for the giggle!

Mala - I was wishing for acid when I was in there. I was sooooo bored! Though in retrospect, that would have been the world's worst trip, though.

And yes, you ROCK as a babysitter!

Mike129 - So sweet! Thanks, buddy. I'm gonna be just fine, don't you worry.

Del-V - LOL! Dude, I've always wanted to have the power of invisibility. Maybe next time!

Rich Girl Red said...

Way to go Bev! Dump the pervy doctor. When I was younger it was much harder for me to advocate for myself--anyone else, hell yeah, me? No thank you, I'll just sit here and take your abuse. Years ago I went in for a check-up and the gyno/creep, while giving me a breast exam, kept talking incessantly about how soft my skin was. Like enough to wig out the nurse. Ewwwww. I felt dirty.

I think you "glow" all the time! In a good way, not a Karen Silkwood way. Sometimes you just have to go all "Julia Sugarbaker" on some people. You know what's best for you!

laurieliz said...

Yes, Good and even GREAT for you! Eff that doctor and may he drive his car into a lake...BIG LAKE!

I am glad you are going to find someone new. Someone that will listen to you and your account of YOUR history and experiences!

dogimo said...

Ozzy looks like the scariest Cher ever.

But of course, he kicks appreciably more ass than Cher!

Good job dropping Dr. Sucko. Here's hoping the next doc is the shining example of the profession that you've been waiting for!

MtnMama said...

Oh, Bev, what a horrid experience! I didn't know they even did that to people. *shudder*

Like the others have said, it has taken me years to find my voice. I could stand up for my little brother as a little kid, but sadly it took decades to be able to do it for myself. I'm in awe of you in so many ways.

When I think about what you've been through, I am so thankful that you were able to have your two lovely boys. A friend who went through cancer treatment was counseled (at length) about how it would affect future parenthood.

Duck Dong sounds like a complete douche and I'm thrilled that you are moving on.

Senorita said...

I don't mean to get all sappy on you, but you are one incredible woman, and I really admire you for kicking cancer's ass for as long as you have. You've been fighting it for this long and you've come out strong each time. I hope that I can be half as strong as you when the time comes.

Glad you fired Dr. Dong. He should take that Dong of his and ram it down his own throat, and maybe while he's busy choking on it, he'll have an ounce of an idea of what it's like to have issues in the throat.

Good luck !

Kate said...

Ha! Cary's comment was AWESOME.

So did you get any superpowers after ingesting the radioactivity? At least the ability to raise and lower your cholesterol at will?

Whenever I see Ozzy I have that "bless his heart" kind of feeling like I just want to pat him on the head or something.