Thursday, May 6, 2010

TMI Thursday: PMS = I will keel you

Another one for da' ladies. Sorry, fellas. ;)

So, since I clearly have no shame on TMI Thursdays, I'm gonna come clean about something that happens to me for about two days every month that I can't seem to control or avoid despite the fact that I'm painfully aware that it's happening. You see, sometime in my early thirties I started to experience the delightful hormonal surge known as Pre-Menstrual Syndrome.
I'd never really noticed it during the first, oh, twenty or so years I'd been having monthly periods, but now it's undeniable and unmistakable.

So, 98% of the time, I'm just going along, doing my bevtastic thang, thinking, "La la la! Life is pretty cool. I'm just chillin', smelling the flowers, soaking up the sun. All is well with the world...."

Then, without warning, this happens:


(Cue Psycho theme)

I wake up one morning with a scowl on my face. I am annoyed, but I don't know why. I'm quick to anger. I'm irrational and insecure. I want to be told I'm loved, but by god if you touch me too much I might just snap your neck, so watch it.

Being self-aware, I always confess to my husband (like he doesn't know already) in an effort to buffer any nastiness I might inadvertently hurl his way. Thank goodness he's an easy-going guy who knows when to lay low.

The other night I was making dinner and had just discovered that our dishwasher, which is just over a year old, wasn't working. I felt myself becoming increasingly irate about the broken piece of Whirlpool garbage, so I was angrily stirring sauce & aggressively shaking salt into it when my husband wandered into the kitchen. Moments before, I had pushed the "Cancel & Drain" button on the dishwasher and had restarted it to see if that would help. After all, my days in video production taught me one rule of electronics that is simple and finite: turning it off and then turning it back on fixes anything.

But it hadn't worked, and that made me even madder. Jim leaned over me and speared a piece of chicken from the sauce I was stirring, which pissed me off for some reason. "Back off, buddy!" My brain screamed, but I kept quiet and started to tell him about the broken dishwasher.

Me: "So the dishwasher isn't working."
Him: "What's wrong with it?"
Me: "It's not starting the wash cycle. It says it is, but it never starts. I pushed the--"

Before I could continue, he reached over and pushed the "Cancel/Drain" button again, and for some reason... that infuriated me. I went from "moderately peeved" to "OMG I WILL RIP OFF THE SKIN FROM YOUR SKULL AND WEAR IT AS A HAT" angry.

Me: "Why did you do that? I was trying to tell you that I just did that! Now it has to drain and start all over! You never listen to me!"

Even as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I was overreacting. Of course I knew it. But PMS is crazy, yo - it's like Rational Bev gets put in a little cage in my brain for a few days, so she can see what's going on but can't intervene.

Jim did his typical, "Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, Uncle Leo," thing, which normally would make me laugh, but this time all it did was take the wind out of my sails long enough for me to mutter a parting shot about him never shutting up long enough for me to finish a sentence and turn back to my cooking.


Thank goodness, it doesn't last long and it goes away as suddenly as it came on. This is why men get it wrong when they say someone is "on the rag" when she is cranky; by the time the period starts, we feel fine. By then, I'm great, aside from dealing with... well, you know. But mood-wise? Even Steven!

It's those two days sometime in the week BEFORE the period... that's what'll git' ya. Oh, and you'll never know exactly which two days, so have fun with that.

Anywho. I'm better now, thanks for asking. All of this PMS talk reminds me of one of my very favorite SNL clips of all time, so here it is:

"Hold on to your F*CKING HATS!"

Ladies, back me up here, please? I'm not the only one... right?


Liz Tee said...

Oh, I so feel ya...

Wanna hear something effed up? I had a procedure back in March to basically stop my, uh, flow. The hormones are still there, but now I have no way to track the cycle! Arrrgh! Seemed like such a good idea at the time, too.

What I wouldn't give for a little spotting this week, just enough to show me my life has *not* gone all to hell all of a sudden...

Mala said...

And why is it, the more irritable I am (not that I ever am, mind you), the more my husband thinks I need to interact with him? It's like an F'ing death wish!
Love the video.

TotalBlammBlamm said...

No, really, go buy a hat, and then hang on to it!

Of course you're not the only one. Plus, you've got much better control than I.

Rich Girl Red said...

No, Bevers, it is most definitely not just you. For many, many years I skipped through menstruation happy and calm as a buddhist. I just couldn't understand what all that "PMS whining" was about. Then I hit 40. Oh. My. God. They say karma has legs--well she was wearing steel toed boots when she showed up at my house. For about 3 days a month some crazy woman lives in my body. (I wish she'd go to the gym and do my laundry, but oh, well.) I generally ply her with bourbon and chocolate and hope for the best.

I pray for menopause EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Mike said...

ROFLMAO that was way too funny.

Bev said...

Liz - No way! That is just cruel! Stupid hormones.

Mala - Yes, there's something to that, for sure. I have no idea why it is, but J is the same way.

TBB - Ha, thanks! I do try not to be a raging bitch, but often fail. Sigh.

RGR - Loved your comment - LOL! But as for the menopause bit... I'm not sure I'm down with that quite yet either. Something about growing a 'stache doesn't appeal to me! I already tweeze obsessively, so that's all I need.

Mike - KUDOS to you for being the only dude who has been brave enough so far to read AND comment! WOOHOO! You are highly-evolved, obv. :)

Stacie's Madness said...

OH, I have no idea what you are talking about...nope...not me...

*innocent smile*

laurieliz said...

I totally feel ya....what makes matters worse? My idiot husband will actually sometimes have the nerve to actually SAY, " I think you have PMS"...Even though he is right, it makes me wanna tear his balls off and feel them to him for dinner, ya know?

laurieliz said...

and I totally meant feed there...oopsies!

Frank Irwin said...

I get that, but a lot more than 2 days a week. Especially lately.

Frank Irwin said...

I meant more than 2 days a month, but I think more than 2 days a week is valid, too, now that I think about it.

Jillinator said...

OMG - totally me too this week! I was cranky as shit last night and just kinda being mean to Ric and I couldn't stop myself... I hat that!
oh, todays wv is rapura... as in rapurass to pieces when I'm PMS-ing

Jillinator said...

I hat that? ugh... I can't even type when I'm hormonal I guess

Salt said...

I can definitely relate to this. I should let my husband read this so that he knows that I'm not the only one on the planet that this happens to. :)

onebadmamajama said...

I totally feel your pain! Thank goodness my kids have finally figured out that "mommy doesn't feel good" is code for "stay the hell away from mommy for the next couple of days or you'll live to regret it"! lol

Everything seems and feels worse when you have pms:(

middle child said...

You blog is hysterical! I never did the PMS or any of the hormonal stuff but I did identify with the dishwasher thing and your man's response. See, I get this alot. Interrupted, not listened too etc,... And if he would just listen or even let me finish my sentence, things would go so smoothly. Yeah, this isn't PMS. It is more like "what's wrong with you guys?"

Mary said...

I love ANNUALE more than anything on earth...except for this post :)

Bev said...

Thanks, all!! I feel like I'm in pretty good company all of the sudden, which is AWESOME!

Hormonal Beyotches (and Frank)UNITE! :)

tracey said...

The fact that I'm typing this at my desk at work & not from a women's prison somewhere in the Midwest is a miracle in & of itself.

It feels just like when I had thyroid cancer & it jacked me up & made me crazy emotional for two years. At least then people had compassion b/c, "you know she has cancer", now it's just "Good god, who invited Satan's sister?"

MtnMama said...

(omg, Bev, forgive me for my attendance of late...)

I was gifted with PMS and really painful periods since my teens. I thought everyone was. No wonder the men in my life always acted like I was crazy... wait, no, that's not why.

Thank god they've subsided - not disappeared - after pregnancy. So I'm okay with menopause either way.

I used to have a Very Specific argument with my ex husband many many years ago. When I was PMSing was when I couldn't keep quiet about the stuff that bothered me ALL the time, and he believed I didn't really care about it therefore. Lesson: Deal with things early and bravely... don't wait for the rage to leak it out. It doesn't come across as rational then, somehow...

Brooklyn ML said...

Oh yeah, girl, I feel ya.