Thursday, June 3, 2010

Bird babies, narcissism, and unsexy sex tapes



Heh heh, hello.

Before I get to whatever semi-salient point I may make on this post, I'd like to thank you all for your kind words of encouragement about the most excellent and triumphant return of my voice. You're all dolls and I want to hug you and love you and call you George for being so nice & supportive. *MUAH*

And now for something completely different.


BIRD BABIES

Just in case anyone was wondering about those purty little blue eggs in my bush (yeah, I said that) - they've hatched!



Say it with me, "Awwwwwwwwwwww!" Four little baby Robins emerged from the shells last week. D's only comment was, "They're see-through!"



NARCISSISM 101



A lot of you have asked me to do a video log (vlog) now that my voice has started to heal, and I think I just might oblige.

However, since I am La Bev, I'ma do it my way, bitches! That means it might take a while because I'm gonna get all creative and shit, so don't hold your breath. I will do it and I'm going to try to convince my partner in crime, the lovely and talented Mala, to be my costar. Stay tuned!

The most unsexy sex tape, possibly EVER


Last night I had a chance to watch a few minutes of the infamous Kendra Wilkinson sex tape (don't judge), and holy macaroni - it sucks! I'd heard it was pretty gnarly, and I'd heard right. In fact, last week I read a funny list of the 10 unsexiest things about Kendra's sex tape (link NSFW), and it was pretty much right on the money.

Number 1 on their list?

The guy.



Really, Kendra? Really? THIS is the guy you chose to tape yourself banging? This pasty, goofy guy with all his... ahem... short-comings? Egads, woman, you've redefined "doing the nasty."

Also, their bedroom is skeevy, there's some sort of hand-sanitizer dispenser on the wall, pics of someone's kids overseeing all the action, and at one point she pulls out a vibrator contraption that looks like electro-shock therapy for your lady bits.

NOT HOT.

All that's missing is a neon beer sign over the water bed and maybe a crack pipe on the bedside table. Classy!

Ok, that's all I've got for today. Latah, mashed potatah!

21 comments:

Culture Served Raw said...

Oh I couldn't agree more with the sex tape!! (yes I watched it too) Wow... let down :(

Great post! Love what you did with the still shot! haha

Frank Irwin said...

Love that first photo!

That guy in the sex tape probably looks like Ralph Fiennes to Kendra, after being with that mummy in a satin robe all these years.

Bev said...

Culture - Thanks! I wish I could take credit for the Goonies pic, but that was done by Buzznet.com!

Frank - D'oh!! I just accidentally deleted that one and can't find (read: am too lazy) to find it again. Whoops!

Oh, and this is the goofy guy she was doing BEFORE she met Hef! At least she upgraded in the sense that Hef is loaded....

Cary McNeal said...

Mummy in a satin robe! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I too wondered about that thing on the wall. At first I thought it was a Dustbuster holder, but no, the room is far too dirty for that. Shitty music, too. At least she's limber.

Cary McNeal said...

Are robins edible?

Bev said...

Frank - I found it again! Ha ha. So weird-looking.

Cary - Ha, yes, she is very limber! But I don't care what you tell me, that backward/reverse cowgirl/turtle on its back position simply can NOT be comfortable. No way, no how.

Also, she looks more interested in the camera than the dude, not that I blame her.

Oh, and GROSS! My poor Robins. :( Although, now that you mention it, when they were in egg form I was reminded of that scene in Shrek where Fiona cracks the bird eggs for breakfast.

Frank Irwin said...

So, um, someone was asking me where one might view this video.

Liz Tee said...

The pix are hilarious, but Who-T-F is Kendra Wilkinson? Without that cultural framework it's about as titillating as peeking in the window of the Ocean Breeze Motel. Not fun at all. Have no great desire to see the actual tape.

Maybe the guy is her ex's accountant or something and she made the tape hoping he would see it?

Heather said...

I have found that all celeb sex tapes should be shot. The partner is always icky and there is never good action. It always makes me glad I don't have sex with celebs.

Glad you got your voice back!

Sadako said...

Will Kendra make it an ugly guy hat trick by screwing Dov Charney and Terry Richardson on tape next?

Love the bird pics. So cute.

Mala said...

" I will do it and I'm going to try to convince my partner in crime, the lovely and talented Mala, to be my costar. Stay tuned!
The most unsexy sex tape, possibly EVER"

Ummmmm, there needs to be some sort of page break between those two sentences...or an entire seperate post. Something!

I love how Franko pretends he has no idea where to find that video... Pssssst, try your DVD player, Frank.

Bev said...

Frank - Tell someone to Google that shit! That's what I did.

Liz - Kendra was on "The Girls Next Door," so she's only known for being one of Hugh Hefner's idiot girlfriends. Now she has her own show on E! about her shotgun marriage to Hank Baskett, former Philadelphia Eagle.

Heather - Thanks! And yes, I've yet to see a hot celeb sex tape. Well, except maybe for parts of Colin Farrell's... I'll let you guess which parts.

Sadako - HA! Don't give her any ideas!

Mala - HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I cannot believe I didn't notice the juxtaposition of those two thoughts. HILARIOUS.

Can't wait to shoot our video! I'll bring the hand sanitizer.

*WINK*

MJenks said...

I was going to make some sexist, harassing comments about your use of "salient" (mmm...salty) and the eggs in your bush (you need to trim that shit up, Bevvy-Poo), but then you hit me with that link for the sex tape and now--NOW--I must--MUST--see this thing for myself.

And then there's that picture of Sloth and--of fuck it, I'll cut to the chase.

Dear Bev, I do believe I love you now. More than before. Thank you. Thank you ever so much.

Rich Girl Red said...

Sweet wittle baby birds. Your son is right--they are see-through!

Looking forward to the LaBev/Mala production. I expect it will be another tiara/pasties-worthy occasion. My favorite kind. :)

If that was the reverse cowgirl, she was doing it wrong! It's a classic--and comfortable. I've heard. Or read.

Samsmama said...

Ohmygosh...great post and the comments are killing me! Especially Mala. Juxtapositions, positions, everything you need is right here!

I wondered about the thing on the wall, too. Very odd. And I never knew that Corky from "Life Goes On" banged Kendra. Good for him. And good for her, spreading (heh) the special love.

Frank Irwin said...

The DVD in my player says, Bev & Mala: Double-Dipping at the Ice Cream Parlour.

I wish I could find another copy, this one's about worn out.

onebadmamajama said...

UGH! After all the publicity it has rec'd, I think it's freakin' hilarious that it's sooo bad! She should be heartbroken!

I can't wait for the vlog! That will be AWESOME!

MtnMama said...

Of course all the funny comments have been made, or it's just my cold medicine, but for some reason I was thinking how rancid it would be to be married to some witless loser and then find out they'd done a sex tape. Especially one so un-lovely as this one. That former Eagle can't be any great prize (or just has remarkably low standards) but still... *sigh*

Mike129 said...

Um, you need help with that video you plan to take?

I am all technical and stuff.

Anonymous said...

haven't seen the kendra sex tape, but it sounds like i'm only missing out on sex with sloth or whatever the fuck that guy's name was from goonies.

i'm just writing to let you know that, so many times in my life (we're the same age, yanno) i have thrown down with the, "...hug him and love him and call him george..." and gotten crickets. AGH!

love you!

-ader
(trying to figure out how to sign my name. does this work?)

Harmony said...

Wow that guy is definitely nasty.

Ugh..holy shit Clay Aiken is on the Early Show singing "Can't take my eyes off of you" He's sporting some sort of weird patchwork-like-beard-stubble..he looks like a chick growing out a beard. *shudder*

Umm...Like you and Ader, I've shown my love and adoration with the "I'm gonna hug him and love him and call him George" with little to no reception. Definitely love that you used this line.