Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Meat Market: who's on & who's off?

It seems that nothing is quite as cyclical as Hollywood romances. New couples pop up among celebrities like dandelions on my freshly-mowed front lawn, and when the weeds are mowed over a week later ten more couples crop up in their place.

Recently we've had some big break-ups, so I thought I'd do a handy little scorecard for those of you keeping track at home. Who is currently footloose & fancy-free and who is still tied to the ol' ball and chain? Naturally, I can't cover all of them, but there are a few biggies that come to mind first-thing. Let's go to there.

Back on the market*

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James officially ended their marriage last month. Can you blame her? The dude screwed around with every embarrassing skank under the rock sun.

Here's hoping Sandy has better luck next time!

They kept it Common Law for twenty-three years, but last summer these two enigmatic beautiful people called it quits, leaving the rest of us shlubbs to wonder if long-term monogamy is really possible at all.

Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva split up amidst swirling controversy and more allegations that he's a misogynistic (and let's not forget anti-Semitic) douchebag.

Good news for guys who like beautiful, talented, 420-friendly actresses! Charlize Theron and her boyfriend of 9 years, Stuart Townsend, broke up.

By all accounts, Jim Carrey has been clinging to his remaining shred of sanity for decades now and Jenny McCarthy is a few sandwiches short of a picnic, so it shocked no one when they got together and dated for five years.

What did shock us was when they broke up last April. If those two crazy kids can't make it work, is there any hope for the rest of us? (Yes, I'm kidding)

The "seven-year itch" is alive and well, apparently. Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet had no other reason for ending their seven year union other than they "grew apart," which I think is code for, "wanted to sleep with other people."

Why would anyone give up Kate Winslet? I can't imagine.

*No, I'm not mentioning the recent Bachelor break-up because
A) I don't watch that shit
B) I don't care, and
3) They're not real celebrities, IMO.

Off the market

Sorry, fellas, Megan Fox is officially a married lady. She wed former 90210 "star" Brian Austin Green last weekend.

I must be the only person on the planet who doesn't watch Glee, but I do love Jane Lynch! I've laughed along with her screwball, straight-faced antics through all of the Christopher Guest films and quoted her lines from The 40 Year Old Virgin.

Jane recently wed her long term girlfriend Dr. Lara Embry. WTG, Jane - landing a doctah! Congratulations.

Mena Suvari, who I will always be fond of because of her role in one of my favorite movies, American Beauty, married a twenty-five year old concert producer named Simone Sestito in Italy last weekend.

If this photo is any indication, any resulting children will definitely inherit the unfortunate five-head gene. Ouch.

Han Solo and Ally McBagel tied the knot after dating for eight years (and acquiring a rather unfortunate and inexplicable old man earring).

Congrats to the happy couple! Let's hope Calista lays off the plastic surgery and tucks into some carbs now that she has snagged herself a hottie!

Recently engaged celebs (AKA not yet officially off the market)

Kellie Pickler
Carrie Underwood
Orlando Bloom
America Ferrara
Valerie Bertinelli

That's all I've got, and my fingers are sore from all this Googling (that's what she said!). Who did I miss?


Frank Irwin said...

Like you, I've never watched Glee but I do love me some Jane Lynch.

Too bad I don't have a chance with her, now that she's off the market.


Mike129 said...

I really never understood the Sandra Bullock/Jess James thing. I mean her being a nice girl and him being a wild west killer and all. I guess she thought she like the bad boys.

Mel is an ass (regardless of your potential interest in that anatomical part).

And I'll take me some Charlize Theron, please!

Bev said...

Frank, I always knew you had great taste in women! :-p

Mike, I hear ya. Even *I* would switch teams for Charlize. She's dreamy....

Heidi Renée said...

These people and their schizo relationships make me feel so normal.

Salt said...

I can't stand Glee, so you aren't alone. BUT I love Jane Lynch.

I can't believe that Megan Fox actually got married. We'll see how long that lasts.

And I was so sad about Charlize and Stuart! They seemed so perfect.

Mala said...

Bev, you may as well start writing next weeks post about how at least half these couples are now residents of splitsville. You know it's true.

BTW, is Ralph Fiennes single right now? Must get to him before he goes shopping for a mate again at the nursing home.

Bev said...

Heidi - Normalcy is over-rated.

Salt - I agree! I have tried Glee on and it didn't fit, which is crazy talk because I'm usually a massive theater nerd. Weird!

Mala - Don't worry, some day when you are old and wrinkly Ralph will want you. If he's still alive, which is doubtful.

Wait, that came out wrong....

Heidi Renée said...

Mala, I've thought the same thing about Naveen Andrews.

Samsmama said...

I thought I was up to speed on my celeb gossip, but a few of these were news to me. And I'll jump on the "don't watch Glee but love Jane Lynch" bandwagon.

"Han Solo and Ally McBagel" made me snort.

What the french is with the "visual verification"?

BigSis said...

Doesn't Megan seem a lot younger than Brian Austin Green? (Yes, I have to type his whole name.) It's only 13 years, but it almost seems like he could be her father!

Heidi Renée said...

BAG is no J. Howard Marshall, but I think it's weird, too. Although it somehow works in my mind... maybe he likes stub thumbs?

Stacie's Madness said...

holy shit. i didn't even know half of them were even togeter (allie mcbeal and hans solo)

i love glee. jane's character is the best.

MJenks said...

Kate Winslet's back on the market?

*has a harried Homer Simpson moment where I hop up and down, panting, and waving my hands in the air, palms down*

Would it be bad form to act as Kate's "rebound" man on my wife's birthday?

*more panic*

Samsmama said...

LMAO @ Stacie: "Hans"... He's not a yodeler, ya nut.

Kate said...

Frank, I am quite sure that you would've been the man to "turn" Jane. She's so awesome. (I wanted to like Glee, but I just couldn't.)

I snorted when I saw that Megan Fox actually bit the bullet. Shall we start taking bets on how long that union lasts??

I might swing the other way for Kate Winslet. You guys could call us "The Kates." ::sigh:: She's my girl crush.

Heidi Renée said...

The Kates = best thing I've heard today.

Rich Girl Red said...

Wow, I'm really behind on my celebrity do-ins. I love Glee and think Jane Lynch is amazing. Hang in there, Frank! "Don't Stop Believing!"

Charlize Theron and Kate Winslet are so absolutely luminous--they won't stay available long. (I'd switch but it's been a while--minor league only, no major.)

I used to love Mel but he's an ass. With a fine one.

Excellent work as always, Bevers!

Bev said...

Smama - visual what? I have no idea!

BigSis and Heidi - Yeah, there is an age-difference but lots of couples have that and it works. Of course, since this marriage won't last... who cares? Heh heh.

Stacie - Hans!! LMAO!

Jenks - Yes, it's wrong, but I don't judge. What happens on the OOBH stays on the OOBH!

Kate - Oooh, The Kates sound hot! :) Do it.

RGR - Thanks! And I agree - luminous is a great word to describe those lovelies. I wonder if they'd call us up from the Minors?

Heidi Renée said...

Totally agree - my mom and stepdad are 11 years apart but they've been together since I was in high school - longer than their age difference!

MtnMama said...

Glee just doesn't spark enough interest to even check it out, BUT I love Jane! (and yeah, I'm a theater geek and don't understand it...)

Also not understood is any attraction anyone could feel for Jesse James, so the fact that he turned out to be the loser he so clearly is, is just sad.

NOT that I follow these things, but I heard Megan Fox wants babies, so I figure she's just one of those neo-traditionalists that thinks she should be married to have a baby, and wait a suitable time (year and a half) before she gets a divorce and moves on. Only time will tell.

I'd do Charlize and Kate. The only question is, would they do me? I have references... maybe they would. ;)

Elliott said...

I don't consider most people celebrities, I don't buy into the hype.

However, I somehow doubt that Kate Winslet was the 'dump-ee'. That said, the morning radio show I listened to for my tenure in Wisconsin had a statement that rang true: For every desirable woman, there's a man tired of putting up with her shit.

I am sad about the Valerie Bertinelli thing, though. Or would be, if I weren't married, was about 30 pounds lighter, and somehow in her league. So I guess I don't really care about that, either.