Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Ah Can't Feel Ma' Ton


I spent about 75 minutes in the dentist's chair this morning getting a temporary crown put on my molar, which is more evidence that I'm getting old and decrepit. I've been putting it off for almost two years (oops) because my shitty dental insurance doesn't cover crowns & after all, the tooth didn't hurt... so what was the rush? Well, today I finally gave in and let them drill the hell out of my tooth, fill my mouth repeatedly with nasty gel/foam/putty to make their molds, and fit me with a temporary crown until the permanent one comes back from the lab.



Nah, it wasn't so bad. My dentist is a pleasant enough fellow even though his last name is Hussein, which Jim finds hilarious. Every time they leave a reminder call on my answer machine Jim says that Saddam called to remind me of my appointment.

The Dental Hygienist is also named Beverly, which gets confusing. There's nothing like having eight fingers in your mouth and hearing the dentist say, "Bev, could you reach that scope for me?" No matter how many times it happens, I always twitch a little. Bev the Hygienist also has a rather irritating habit of humming, or outright singing, along with the radio. I'm sitting there trying to ignore the whine of the drill and zone out to the easy listening channel and all I can hear is Bev humming away. Fuckin' Bev.

Driving to work after my appointment I discovered two things: the first is that I had some sort of dried white crusty stuff in the corner of my mouth that looked reeeeeeeally incriminating and disgusting. The second is that it's nearly impossible to apply lipstick when your lips are completely numb, so I ended up looking a bit odd by the time I got to the office.

Now I'm starving but can't eat until I can feel my face again, which Bev no likey. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry.

Of course, I can't mention novocaine or the dentist without posting this classic Bill Cosby routine. I grew up with this bit, and it's still funny after all these years. It's funny 'cuz it's true!

Happy Hump Day!


Frank Irwin said...

Love the lipstick, Bev!

The Cosby bit is also a classic.

I've been going to the same hygienist for 13 years, and really like her (she's from my hometown). The only problem is that I forgot her name about 11 years ago, and am too embarrassed to ask.

MJenks said...

Dammit, sit down!

But Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!

Mala said...

I just spent the entire morning pulling weeds from 4 acres of hand! Every. fracking. one. of. those. weed. bastards! BY MF'ing HAND! Thousands of them! In a big fruckin' pasture! Bending over and pulling each little effer the baking sun! BY HAND!

and I'd still take doing that over going to the dentist.

Rich Girl Red said...

I really hate going to the dentist. Always have. The numb lips/mouth thing is such a bother. I'll just be smiling away, thinking I'm looking normal and all, and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Eeek! Post-stroke victim complete with drool and crooked lipstick--which is usually on my teeth!

Thank goodness my kids didn't inherit my dental phobia. They love going to see the "gentle hyena."

middle child said...

Great post but I guess it isn't funny to laugh about your pain. Hope the novicain has worn off and you are able to eat. Or at least drink without it dribbling out the corners of your mouth. Funny pics!

Bev said...

Frank - That is hilarious. I had the same sort of thing with my childhood dentist office. I kept calling the secretary Celene and I wondered why she never seemed very friendly. When I told my mom that I didn't think Celene liked me she said, "Maybe that's because her name is Celest." D'oh!

Jenks - Right on! Love me some classic Cos.

Mala - Wow, that sounds terrible! I'd rather have my teeth drilled than do that, hands down. We should have traded!

RGR - HA!! Your description made me laugh. That was totally me this morning. I even drooled my water down the side of my face without even realizing it. Pretty!

Middle Child - Thanks! It did wear off in time for lunch... though I had to skip the little bag of chips that came with my sandwich because they're too crunchy, which killed me!

Cary McNeal said...

By all accounts Cosby's a total asswipe, but the man is funny. Well, Leonard Part 6 excepted; that was horrible.

The price of crowns, however, is not funny, even when insurance pays half, which is rare anymore. Bastards.

Worst thing about the dentist is having to listen to whatever Lite "Rock" station they pipe in. Like the drill isn't torture enough.. I gotta sit through "Always Something There To Remind Me" every goddamn time?

Sarah said...

Coming out from lurking here...I've never seen that Cosby sketch, but that has to be one of the funniest things I've face hurts from laughing!

When I think of visits to the dentist, I always think of the Tim Conway/Harvey Korman sketch from the Carol Burnett Show.

Frank Irwin said...

I liked the younger Cosby, before he got all preachy.

Sarah, that Conway/Korman sketch was great, especially how Harvey couldn't keep from laughing.

Mike129 said...

My childhood dentist was a Nazi devil. They have gotten much better since then.

And Bill Cosby pretty much only did great stuff during this time.

Elliott said...

Fuckin' Bev. Took the words right out of my mouth.

Oddly enough, Lori just had a new crown/cap/filling/somesuch dentist-y thing done earlier this week, and was numbed up when I got home. Glad to hear it wore off in time for lunch, the last time I tried eating while still numb, with four teeth missing, was when I was 11 or 12. I had ketchup all down the front of my white sweater. Nice.

wv: sarday - the seventh day of the week when you've been shot up with Novacaine.

MtnMama said...

I'll refrain from referencing my 15+ years working in dentristry and simply comment on the "evidence that I'm getting old and decrepit" bit.
A HEM! I don't think so, sister-girl! Teeth need constant maintenance; the alternative is dentures. That'll age ya.
Besides, I've had a recent spate of dental work and I REFUSE to correlate that with my age in any way, shape, or form. So there.

(but I still love you...)