Monday, July 19, 2010

Rock Stars Wear Spanx Too, Right?

HI! Fancy meeting you here! Good to see you again.

First of all, thank you for all of your fabulous birthday wishes last week! Seriously, each one made my day a little bit brighter, and I feel gratitude from the bottom of my boogity-boogity shoes. *MWAH* to all of my darling FOOBHS!!

I am back today after having pretty much unplugged myself from the Matrix since last Wednesday, and I confess that I'm still not fully into the swing of things yet. I came into work today to find the usual piles of random paperwork and unintelligible post-it notes from my crazy-cat-lady-coworker, but after I sifted through the rubble I found that I really hadn't missed much during my 3 days off last week. Hurray!

And no, I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.

My birthday party went off without a hitch on Saturday night! It was pretty epic, and I do believe that everyone had a really, really good time. Of course there are lots of pictures but sadly I don't have many today. For a change I didn't have my trusty Nikon attached to my wrist all night so I didn't get that many pics, however my friends Mark and Laurie spoiled me and set up a whole "red carpet" photo area complete with fancy lighting and a gorgeous custom-made background poster, so once they send me those pics we'll have lots to look at!

Wardrobe malfunctions galore.

Last week I bought a sparkly rock star dress that I love, but the material is very thin - like t-shirt thin. Since I am not a skinny minnie I was critically eying every lump and bump under the thin blue fabric, so I did what all of us ladies do in such a situation - I went to the lingerie department and bought myself a scuba suit foundation garment. Once I wriggled into it, which is NOT easy, by the way, I liked how smooth things looked under the dress, so I bought it and decided I just wouldn't go to the bathroom all night since getting the thing up and down was such a chore.

Sounds like a great plan, right?

What nobody tells you about these modern-day torture devices is that they never stay where they're supposed to stay. Once the garment begins its steady retreat towards your waist (as they ALL do) the flab that they're repressing migrates so you end up with unsightly bulges in the most bizarre places imaginable.

Therefore it came to be that my muffin top ended up somewhere just south of my bra strap all night long, so any photo of me from behind includes a stunning view of my seemingly-deformed torso. Needless to say, at some point in the evening my friend Jill and I both discarded our painful fat-compressors. Jim found mine the next morning in the back yard. Oops.

Then there was the little matter of the top half of the dress. When I purchased it I had no idea that whatever bra I wore was destined to become part of the outfit; I went with basic black, which is good because in just about every picture you can see my bra under my arms. Sigh.

My (real & spectacular) cleavage, however, looked fantastic. Everybody said so.

Thanks to our MALE photographer Mark, there are LOTS of boob-centric pics, so you're welcome in advance. Especially you, Mike129, since I know you only come here for the pics. *grin*

I'm now a gimp.

As soon as everyone arrived the men went outside and did dog-knows what and the ladies gathered in the kitchen to sample my newly-created signature cocktail, the Bevtini. It's purple and tastes like black cherry and has lots and lots of delicious vodka in it, and we all had quite a few of them. Once we were sufficiently limbered up we went out to the back yard and started the karaoke machine that Mala had rented for us as a gift, because she ROCKS.

People were singing, drinking, taking pictures in front of the "red carpet" background, and generally frolicking. I was chatting away when I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see Laurie grinning at me. She informed me that they were doing keg stands, and after I stopped laughing and told her that there was no fucking chance of getting me to do one, she asked me to come hold the tap into her mouth as they lifted her up.

I obliged, and no sooner had they gotten her into the air than the entire nearly-full keg and the wheelbarrow in which it sat tipped over and landed on my right foot/ankle.

Wait -- a wheelbarrow, which as we all know rests on THREE points, not four, wasn't stable?! GO FIGURE!

We wuz wicked smaht, yo.

So yeah, my ankle hurt like a mofo despite all the "anesthesia" coarsing through my veins. I immediately grabbed a chunk of ice and iced it, but it was already swelling and turning all kinds of colors. Thankfully this is when Emily brought out a tray of (purely medicinal) Tequila shots, so I don't remember it hurting much after that point.

Artist's rendering of me around 1 AM:

By 2 AM I found myself wedged onto the couch with my foot elevated with a bag of frozen vegetables draped over it.

Nothing's broken, it's just bruised as hell and swollen. And painful. Oh well!

Speaking of painful, yesterday morning was no picnic. I woke up feelin' like P. Diddy... complete with a false eyelash stuck to my forehead.

It was the stone groove, m' man. Good effing times with good effing friends! I only wish you ALL could have been there.

Hopefully tomorrow there will be more photographic proof of our idiocy good time.


Frank Irwin said...

Good thing that birthdays only come around once per year, eh? Sounds like it was a wicked good time!

Mala said...

Good Effin' time, indeed!
I returned the slighty sticky (and smelling of booze) karaoke machine this morning and the guy behind the counter smirked and asked me something about cocktails, which I instinctively denied... whaaaa?

Oh, you forgot to add that the wheelbarrow also contained no less than 120lbs of ice.

Thank Little Matty for letting me crash in his crib...literally.

Samsmama said...

Sounds like a fabulous time, and you look HAWT! Sorry about your foot. Wow, Laurie sure got dressed up, huh? She's rocking the keg stand. ;)

Mala slept in a crib? Priceless!

Bev said...

Frank - Damn straight! I think I can only handle it once/year.

Mala - Yes, the ice! It's really amazing my ankle didn't break. Praise Jebus!

And i know you loved sleeping in a bed with side rails. Snug & secure....

Don't knock it, I hear that Zsa Zsa Gabor just broke her hip from falling out of bed last night. If only she'd had side rails!

Smama - Thanks, girl! I just saw a lot of the candid shots though - eeek! Weight Watchers, here I come!

Rich Girl Red said...

It's not a real party unless someone ends up with frozen vegetables on their, um, extremities? It sounds like it was FABULOUS! Love the new cocktail--Bevtini. I perfected the Rich Girl Red last week--it only took about 20-30 tries. I know, I'm a perfectionist.

So what songs did you rock out to this time?

Heidi Renée said...

I also spent Saturday night mixing up the vodka sips. I didn't hurt myself, but I did get up in the middle of the night and puke all over the edge of the toilet. My dear husband did the honor of cleaning it up the next morning while I was sleeping it off.

Of course I can't put this on my own blog because my mother would send me a passive-aggressive e-mail about how disappointed she is that I haven't "outgrown the allure of alcohol."

Whatever, I'm glad you haven't outgrown it yet either! Bottoms up!

Mike129 said...

It's true. I *am* only here for the pics.

(Speaking of which, nice shot of Mala getting out of that car.)

Sounds like you had a serious blast!

Mala said...

Sad to say, Mike, that's not me getting out of the car. It's well known I never wear undergarments of any sort.

Mike129 said...

Ah, yes, I did forget that bit.

If you could submit some pictorial evidence to that effect, I would be much less likely to forget in the future. :D

Brooklyn ML said...

That sounds like a truly epic party! Too bad about the keg though. Oh yeah, and your ankle.

MJenks said...

in just about every picture you can see my bra under my arms.!

Oh, and, I'm glad the birthday party was fun.


MtnMama said...

Oh, my goodness! What party DOESN'T end with frozen veg, indeed? I adore your shopping woes, (and would love to go with you - to sort out the undergarment traumas, of course!) but you look divine in the sparkly blue. What I don't have in lumps, you make up in cleavage, my dear, so take heart. The girdles just aren't worth it after about an hour, though, y'know, I think they're really only good for photo ops.

Certainly not dancing the night away. Love you so much that yours ended up in the back yard. Big Birthday hugs (again). Cheers!

dogimo said...

Happy Bev'sday Bev! Glad to hear it went off without a hitch or at least, with no non-amusing hitches.

Heather said...

My birthdays always suck because I get way too drunk way too early and end up passed out in some strangers backyard with people begging me to get up before someone calls the cops...

Bev said...

Thanks, all!! Never fear, both the keg and my ankle survived the spillage!

As for what we sang... uuuuummmm? Mala? I recall "Goodbye Earl" and some Lady Gaga, but everything else is a little fuzzy....

But we ROCKED it, trust.

Pics are up on Facebook. Go laugh at us all you want. ;)

Cary McNeal said...

Boobs and tequila. What else do you need?