Monday, August 23, 2010

Adventures in Chatroulette: What we've seen cannot be unseen.

Good morning!  Oh, do I have a post for you today! On Saturday night Mala and I were supposed to attend a friend's birthday party but neither of us could secure a sitter, so we did what any pair of mature 35-year-olds would do; we had a slumber party! The kids had a ball trashing Mala's house while we made and ate our favorite meal (Chicken Tikka Masala). We both ate so much of it that we were about 3 months along with "food babies" for the rest of the night, but it was worth it.

When we finally wrestled the kids into bed we opened a(nother) bottle of wine and that's when things got interesting! For reasons that will have to wait for another blog post on another day, Mala had unearthed a Halloween costume from her basement and was currently dressed as a kind of Grim Reaper slash Greek Chorus member.

Doesn't everyone don an outfit like this on Saturday night?

Since she was dressed like a scary freak, we decided to try something we'd never done but had heard about - Chatroulette. Just in case anyone is not familiar with Chatroulette, it's a website where you turn your webcam on and are linked up to random strangers' webcams. You can click "Next" to move on, or you can stay and type/chat to the person on the other end of the line.

The things I do for my BOOBHs, seriously. You can thank me later.

This post contains raunchy NSFW subject matter; not the least of which are photos that we took during our session that are risque.  I did censor the worst ones and won't put them on the main page, and you can see them after the jump.

This warning most likely titillated most you (pervs) but if you're the prudish type, don't say I didn't warn you! 

So, here's Mala getting started. We got a lot of blank stares when they saw her ghostly image on the other end of the chat, but mostly she got "Nexted" fast and often.  She didn't even get to chat with anyone!

It took exactly 7 seconds before we saw our first naked wang. Let me tell you, if you love masturbating in front of strangers and/or watching strangers slapping their salamis, Chatroulette is for you.

At first we were shocked but by the third or fourth close-up of veiny man parts we almost got used to it. Almost. I've got to say, we were impressed by the variety of sizes, shapes, etc., but I'll get back to that in a moment.

After a while we decided to do a little social experiment.

Our hypothesis: visible cleavage = game-changer.

I took over chat duties and put on the mask, but not the cape.

<---- C'est moi.

The results were immediate. All of a sudden when people popped up on the screen, instead of their eyes bulging and the screen instantly shifting to the next one as they clicked "Next" as fast as they could, they'd hesitate for a second, taking in the mask and the boobs. You could actually witness the internal struggle as they pondered me; I'm turned on, but also freaked out. Which feeling is stronger?

My favorites were the wankers.  An erect penis would pop up and the owner's hand would pause mid-stroke, as if deciding. Then, it was as if you could hear him say, "Huh. Okay, I can work with that."

This guy was nice; he was the first one who did NOT consider "Let me see your titties!" to be an appropriate request after we'd just barely said hello, so we talked to him for a few minutes. He didn't get our jokes but he did like our mask so much that he even went and got one of his own, out of solidarity. We liked him, but he bored us, so we politely thanked him for his time and moved on.

We found a few like-minded folks out there. Both of these guys stayed on long enough to give our masks the thumbs up before asking to see my boobs, so we took that as a win.

And then we met Sven Olsson*.

*Not his real name.

As soon as we found this guy we both mumbled, "Well, he's kind of cute," at the same time. Turns out, he's a 25-year old waiter/bartender in Sweden and he was... in a word... adorable. He was flirty but not pervy. He never once asked me to take my top off (our Chatroulette standards of what is pervy and what isn't were sufficiently low by that point), and we ended up talking to him for quite a while.

Before long we had exhausted everything we know about Sweden: it's cold, they had Vikings, good meatballs, the Swedish Chef, Ikea, and Alexander Skarsgard. At one point we tried to gracefully take our leave but he wanted to keep chatting. He liked us!

Before long he was teaching us handy Swedish expressions like, "knullruff," which means "bed head" but literally translates to "fuck mess." He taught us some other, dirtier expressions too. In exchange, we taught him what a pimp and a sex cartel was. What can I say? We are givers.

Sadly, before we could book our flights to Stockholm the Chatroulette program seized up and we lost him. SAD FACES! We didn't even get to say goodbye! Oh, Sven! We'll always wonder what could have been!

After Sven, the quality of the chatters deteriorated quite a bit, though we did see the biggest dong EVER (pic after the jump). The variety was astounding - we saw everything from huge to tiny, hairless to gorilla-pubes, fat, skinny - you name it. The one thing they all had in common (aside from impressive 1-handed typing skills) was that they seemed to be under the mistaken impression that we were dying to see them ejaculate.


After a few moments they'd all ask to see the boobs as a trade, at which point we'd either do nothing or we'd say no, then they'd Next us.

There were some women on, too. One woman was straddling her webcam and giving herself a pretty thorough gynecological exam. Despite the fact that both Mala and I instantly groaned and shielded our eyes, she still paused and typed out a cheerful, "Hi!" to us.


We stayed up far too late. By the end it was nothing but pimply adolescent boys, giggling girls at sleep-overs, creepy old guys, and the ever-present wankers. Mala and I each decided to put security block upon security blocks on our future-teenager's computers! EEK!

We passed this guy repeatedly, which is funny because I didn't think Amish people even HAD computers. He Nexted us and we Nexted him about 5 times before we finally gave up and said hi. Then we called it a night.

SO, how'd we do?

Thirteen out of twenty-five? I'd say that's not bad for our first-ever session. Plus, we fell in love! Oh, Sven....

So, there you have it. Have you ever done Chatroulette? Have I scared you away from ever doing it? :)

If you want to see a couple (censored for your mental well-being) NSFW pics, they're after the "read more."

This pickle is actual size.  No, really!
He put the "wee" in weenie.  We nicknamed him "Buttons."
No hedgehogs were harmed in the making of this photo.


Frank Irwin said...

So that was you in the silver mask? If only you would have given me a few more seconds....

Frank Irwin said...


Steph said...

This made me lol irl. Also? No thank you on Chatroulette. Even if it means I get to see your rack.

Mala said...

I have been gitty waiting for this post! OMG!Can we make our own entertainment, or what!?

Sven, Oh Sven. Dear Gawd he was a sight. I can see now the inner turmoil of your BOOBHs...All those scary Chatroulette fails...but then, then, you could come out a real winner with Sven! It just may be worth it, yes?

And I was a bit disappointed that you had to edit Button's picture. Seriously, it's so small I don't think it can truly be counted as genetalia. Seriously, that picture would lead folks to believe he was WAY bigger than he is.

And yes, the pickle IS actual size.

Bev said...

Thanks, Frank! Btw, I love your new profile pic. LOL!!

Steph - Yay! Nice to see you commenting again. Oh, and what you saw in the pic there is all that I showed on Chatroulette, trust. I don't give that shizz away for free.

Mala - I know! I wish I could have let Buttons go commando just to prove our point. I originally just covered the button but then his big hairy ball sack was freaking me out, so I had to cover it all.

Awesome night!!

Rich Girl Red said...

Thank you so much for taking one for the team girls! Because of your noble sacrifice I don't have to venture onto Chatroulette. And boy am I relieved! I can see that kind of shit at my Wal Mart any Friday night.

Y'all make me laugh! I just wished we lived closer -- although we'd probably end up needing a bail bondsman or a trip to The Betty.

Brooklyn ML said...

"Fuck mess" really caught my eye.
I've never done it, but now I'm totally curious!

Frank Irwin said...

You killed it!

WV: hathunk - a stetson-sportin' dude you might meet on chatroulette.

Cary said...

Poor little button guy. You'd think Mr. Pickle would loan him an inch or two.

Mike said...

Nope, but the pictures from them that people post are priceless. Love the bingo card. You should cell them and make a fortune.

Heidi Renée said...

I agree with that grumpy/adorable rabbit. Chatroulette is not the place for me. X-Box Live group Halo sessions are.

Samsmama said...

So you mention the sheer volume of peens on the site and Frank runs right over there? That seems about right.

Frank Irwin said...

Nice, Smama! Actually, I heard the news here.

Mala said...

Cary, Mr. Pickles could have lent Buttons 5 or 6 inches. trust!

Melissa said...

"Despite the fact that both Mala and I instantly groaned and shielded our eyes, she still paused and typed out a cheerful, "Hi!" to us."


And aw, Sven. He was cute. I can't believe you guys did this. You are brave souls, though I imagine it would be easier with a girlfriend. Far more hilarious as well.

Mala said...

Obviously their social experiment was to see how long it would take Bev and I to visit Chatroulette.

Bev said...

Yeah, WTF? We broke Chatroulette? They took the site down the DAY after we went on?!

Their social experiment must have been:

1. If you build it, men will come. (literally)

2. Sooner or later, Bev & Mala will show up when there is pervy-ness to be found!

3. They finally found the perfect blend of blank face and cleavage.

Lee said...

LOL, this cracked me up!

MtnMama said...

I'm thrilled that you both

a. did this together. safety in numbers, girls.
b. managed it in the nick of time
c. did this so that I wouldn't.

thanks, but I've seen plenty of strang wang in my time.

Frank Irwin said...

Nobody likes a bragger, MtnMama.


That was so freaking funny. I had the same experience; bunch of dudes wacking it. BTW, It's not a button. Bev, I think you're blog is one of the funniest I visit. keep it up like the guys on Chatroulette.

Senorita said...

OMG, you totally RAWK La Bev ! You've done what I've always wanted to do. My friend and I have always wanted to play Chatroulette and take shots for every penis we see or something like that.

By the way, you have awesome cleavage ! So proud to be one of your boobhs !

Wynn said...

LOL! I would never dare go into chat roulette because I've heard what happens on there - flashing penises. And ya know, I have my own penis that get's flashed in front of me almost every day so no thanks.

But, a grown swedish man that does not know what a pimp is? Jolly gosh, I didn't think they existed. Swedish men are a very, very perverted breed.

Wynn said...

Oh, and you forgot the "s" in knullrufs ;)

Salt said...

Oh. My. God.
You're my hero, Bev. Seriously. And WAY braver than I could ever be.

Awww poor Buttons.

Laurie said...

That must have been sooooo fun! hehe

Frank Irwin said...

BlurryPeople is a similar concept, but with a couple of twists. Sounds interesting.