Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Facebook Pet Peeves: my brutal truths

Facebook is a funny place. I love it, I really do, but occasionally there are certain friends who fall into a behavioral rut of sorts. They're perfectly nice people (would I be friends with them if they weren't? Hell no!) but sometimes Facebook fails happen to the best of us.

I think we've all made the "vaguebook" mistake of posting a status report that subtly begs your friends to ask you to explain it. You know, like, "Beverly wishes today weren't so hard." The sole purpose of saying something like that is to get people to ask, "Why is today hard? What's wrong?" The best (read: worst) part about that kind of status is usually when people do take the bait, the vaguebooker will reply, "I can't talk about it."


Vaguebooking is annoying and self-gratifying, as are most of my F-book pet peeves. CNN had a great article that sums up a lot of these folks perfectly, and my favorite funny Facebook peeves list comes from The Oatmeal, with their illustrated "How to suck at Facebook" list.    This one is my favorite:

Of course I have my own list, and it's kind of harsh.  As you read it please keep in mind that I am fully aware that I am no better than you at Facebooking and I know I've been guilty of some of these things myself.  I'm just calling 'em out because hey, it's my blog, and I can.  Bring on the brutal honesty!

The Sad Sack

When the Sad Sack is happy you don't hear much from her, but when she's sad expect hourly updates about how much the world sucks and how hard it is to be her. Sure, we all get the blues sometimes, but frankly the "woe is me" bit gets old. First law of Facebook Club: not every thought needs to be shared.

The over-sharer

* Is my poo supposed to be this color?

* I don't want to go to the doctor so I'm gonna list out all of my symptoms here and let you guys diagnose me.  Cool?

* I can pick stuff up with my twat!

* Got so drunk last night that when I barfed I peed myself!

We don't care, we don't want to know, and we don't need those visual images in our heads.  STFU!

The braggart

What she says:

"Ran a marathon this morning, then brokered a million dollar deal at work.  Now I'm baking a cake from scratch for my hot, wealthy husband while wearing nothing but high heels and an apron!"

What she doesn't say:

"I'm so insecure that I need to pretend to be perfect so people won't notice my debilitating lack of self-esteem."

The Zen philosophers

Every status report is about how enlightened they are and how gorgeous the universe is.  Yes, we get it - you're deep.

There's no getting to know these folks, sadly, because they don't ever offer you a glimpse into their lives.  It's not like we want constant updates ("I just ate a bagel!"), but spouting off cliches about how to live a better life helps no one and makes the rest of us feel like idiots for still thinking farts are funny.

All lyrics, all the time
All the cops in the donut shop say....

Sometimes these can be fun.  Personally, I like to throw out half a quote and ask people to finish it, because I have some funny friends and their responses amuse me.  However, I've got a few friends who only post quotes and they're always random and nonsensical; they sound like half of a Dr. Seuss poem or something.  I don't get it and neither do 90% of the people on your friends list.  Quit it.

The passive-aggressive type

They're talking to someone on their friends list, that much is clear, but they don't come right out and SAY they're upset with them.  They say things like, "I'm so grateful for my REAL friends who stand by me!"  These statements are designed to let you know that yes, you suck, and no, you're not a real friend if you don't know what she's talking about.

Get on that, will ya?  What's wrong with you?

WTF are they talking about?

I have one friend who comments now and then and never makes a lick of sense. It's as if he's been having a conversation that only he can hear, and now he's responding to something you said in his mind.

Since I'm not psychic OR a code cracker, I usually just ignore these comments only to have him say to me later, "Why don't you ever respond to my comments?"


The shmoopy love birds
John Mayer: the face of Schmaltz

They just love to shout their undying love for one another from the rooftops, resulting in copious schmaltzy declarations about how perfect they are for one another, how handsome/beautiful the other one is, and how their union is better than anyone else's. Not only are these stomach-turning declarations irritating, but it leads friends to wonder if the lady doth protest too much. Sometimes it's the people who feel the need to gush who have the most to hide, perhaps even from themselves.

So sayeth Therapist Bev.

 Oh, extra dillweed points for people who sit in the same room and gush about each other on separate computers. Just shoot me in the goddamn head and get it over with.

Okay, hopefully I haven't alienated too many people with my frankness.

Now it's your turn -- what's your biggest Facebook pet peeve?


Liz Tee said...

OK, I admit it: I'm a vaguebooker! But I'm too much of a pussy to say my SIL is a bitch for being mad at me for taking care of her when she was so sick from her chemo last week that she shat herself.

Oops... wait, oversharing, right?

Mala said...

"extra dillweed points for people who sit in the same room and gush about each other on separate computers" - but it's cute when we do it, right? RIGHT!?

I swear, I have the King..errr QUEEN, of the passive agressive FBers. I don't know how long I can continue to hold back the typing finger of insult.

My favorite FBer is the "new guy each week-er". She's MADLY in love with a guy, they wildly profess their undying love...until next week when she's gushing about her new soulmate.
Seriously people, maybe date a week or so before you announce to the world that you have found the love of your life.

...oh and please, PLEASE don't post about procreating until you've dated at least 2 weeks.

Mala said...

Oh...and another annoying FB habit. Don't tag EVERY FRIGGIN FRIEND when it's just a picture of YOU!!!!
We get it, you want all your friend's friends to see your picture. LOOSAH.

Molly's Mom said...

My 'ho bag next door neighbor (who, thankfully, is no longer on my FB friends list) used to irritate the crap out of me with her Vaguebooking/Sad Sack/Oversharing statuses. Not to mention that she was updating statuses CONSTANTLY, especially if she didn't get comments on the previous one.

I also have a friend who is frequently a 'WTF is she talking about poster', although lately she's been into tagging bad photos (our class reunion was a couple weeks ago).

MJenks said...

I'll try and make more sense when I post from now on, Bev, if you promise to comment on my comments.

Mala said...

Back again... (wow I had no idea I had so many feelings about this subject)

The friend that seems to only tag REALLY unflattering pictures of her friends! Everytime we go out the pictures of her look great, the rest of us look like Sloth from the Goonies. She hasn't taken the hint that I immediately untag every single picture she posts. Eeesh!

Frank Irwin said...

Thanks, Bev, now you've got me wanting french fries.

I have a niece who's a roller-coaster vaguebooker. One day it's, "I love it when live is so great!" followed by, "Why does this shit always happen to me? ugh!"

WV: outgah - "Her FB status is so bad it outgahs all of the other statuses out there."

MJenks said...

It's a tough call for me. My hatred is almost equally split between the Schmoopies and the Passive-Aggressive bitches. It's so tough to tell!!!

However, the people who post links to their blogposts are, perhaps, the very worst kind and they need to be eliminated immediately.

Only more cleavage pictures can save their souls.

Bev said...

Liz - but vaguebooking is cute on YOU. :)

Mala - I keep waiting for the day when you smack down your passive-aggressive pal. *rubbing hands together*

And yes, tagging other people in a photo of yourself is ridiculous and vain. Yuck.

Molly's Mom - Oh my! A double-whammy. How did you ever get rid of her?

Jenks - I'm not big on promises, but I'll see what I can do about the cleavage pics. Ya' big old perv, you.

Mala - LMAO @ "Sloth!" hahahaha!!

Frank - Heee, I knew you'd get it. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when Mary reads it. ;)

tracey said...

I have the unique joy of as a 'minister's wife' being almost required to add people as friends. i have almost as many 'hidden' friends as ones i follow. one woman was SO freaking passive aggressive against her kids it was appalling. another one swore so much she'd make a truck driver blush. every.single.post was about how wasted she got & how hungover she is. she's a daycare worker. hope she added some of those parents so they got wind of her exploits. i dropped her.

sorry - like mala I had no idea i was so passionate about the subject.

Laurie said...

I have a few peeves myself....

How bout the constant f-bomber. Do I really need to hear that your breakfast was fuckin delish! and that your acting like a total bitch or always working your fuckin ass off while everyone else sits around. I do not mind the occasional curse when it adds proper emphasis to how you feel but not every status update has to have fuck in it! Gad!

Also, the constant changer of relationship status...we are in a fight means "So and so is now Single" or "So and So changed her status to It's Complicated". It is especially annoying when they are frickin MARRIED...grow up!

I also have a relative that constantly berates her poor husband. Things like "A real father puts together his son's swingset in a weekend and not put it off while his poor son suffers." I don't gotta know about every one of your personal problems at home, ya know?

I could go on and on...but I won't...

calicobebop said...

I have a bad habit of facebooking during TrueBlood. When I do it I think it's absolutely hilarious - but really, it's just silly isn't it? Yeah.

I hate the braggarts because I feel like their rubbing life full of rainbows and sparkles in my face. Which they probably are. But hey - I have a cute kid so they can suck it.

Anonymous said...

How about the one friend that constanty has nothing positive to say! I have one that you would think the world is ending on a daily basis. "Oh why don't I have money", "Oh more car repairs", "Oh life sucks", "Why me?". Seriously, is life THAT bad?? I being the good person I am always comment on her posts with all the positive things she has. Like a JOB, a HOUSE, and a beautiful healthy daughter! Some things that some people aren't lucky enough to have. Grrrr drives me insane! Phew...I feel better.


Elliott said...

I don't actually recall the last time I entered anything on FB that WASN'T my NetworkedBlogs link. Sorry, Jenks.

If you don't mind a little hair, I'll work on that cleavage shot tonight.

Elliott said...

And until I figured out how to block every last 'game' feed, I had an issue with the friends whose only status updates were their Farmville accomplishments. But thankfully those don't seem to be an issue anymore.

Bev said...

Tracey - A daycare worker talking about being drunk/hungover all the time is the stuff of nightmares! Yeee-ikes! Dont' blame you for dropping her.

Laurie - Yes, yes, and YES. I agree! I don't have any potty mouths (except for myself, maybe) but I know all about the r'ship status changers.

I can't imagine berating my husband like that on FB! That's ALMOST as bad as spouting off about how great he is. :)

Calico - See, I've never noticed that about you, so how back can it be? I love seeing TB quotes the next day! And yes, your daughter is cute, so they can suck it.

Lauralee - UGH! Negative Nellies need some real problems, clearly!

Elliott - Oh yeah, I've hidden almost every game on FB for the same reason. I even discovered some friends I had hidden way back before we could hide just the games, so I finally freed them from my newsfeed hell. Oops.

calicobebop said...

Elliott and Bev - how can you hide the games?!?! I looked for about 20 minutes after I saw Elliott's comment and can't figure it out. Apparently I'm either really dumb or ... Ok, so I'm really dumb - help me out!

Frank Irwin said...

Move your cursor to the right of the post, and you'll see an 'x'. Click on that 'x' then on 'Hide Farmville.'

Bev said...

Calico, next time you see one of the game announcements in your newsfeed click on the upper right-side and in the drop-down menu, select "Hide _gamename_".

Bev said...

Jinx, Frank!

calicobebop said...

That was WAY too easy! I thought it was hidden somewhere in my account settings!



Wynn said...

The last one of the most annoying.

"Watching a movie with my bestest love"
"Aww you're so cute!" and you just KNOW that they're in the same room, even the same couch. Come on, please.

onebadmamajama said...

I think you pretty much covered them all, as far as I am concerned. The biggest one for me is those folks who post the song lyrics all the time..especially when they don't id them as lyrics and I have no f'in idea what they are doing. My 19yo is bad about that. She'll post something that alarms me and when I call her on it, it's just some stupid song she's quoting. I finally bitched at her enough she's quit doing it (mostly).

I hate when people I marginally know (like from work) try and friend me. I don't like you at work, what makes you think I want to friend you on FB?

Frank Irwin said...

OBMJ, I've got a couple of people that you can bitch at, too!

I had a guy from a former job, whom I never liked, send me 3 Friend Requests before he got the idea. My cousin got the hint after only 2. Heh.

MJenks said...

Oh, oh! I thought of a new one. It might be a sub-category of the braggart, but the ones who go on incessantly about how wonderful their children are.

Look, buddy. I have kids. They're great. They're not great all the fucking time!

Oh, and thirty pictures you post of your darling little angel? They make her look like a fucking demon.

MJenks said...

The games annoy me, too. I wish people would figure out that you can send out game updates to only those people you're playing the game with.

I guess that's too much to ask. And I apologize for any past spamming before I had the lists mastered.

Harmony said...

You, absolutely, hit the nail on the head with this list. I know I am not the best FBer *clears throat*, ahem. But the people who are, without fail, sticking to their woe is me, my life is facking fantastic, I'll die if you don't give me attention, "what I am is what I am...are you what you are or what?" seriously make me want to bleach my eyeballs and anoint my soul with vodka.

Like, Lauralee, I have a Negative Nellie within my FB friends..however, I absolutely refuse to comment their status when it revolves around their life being a handful of suckasssandwich..it appears to encourage the shit out that person and I won't take part in it.

Great post..I must come around more often..this whole internet fail I've got going on is the pits. Moist, stinky pits.

Samsmama said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *gasps for breath******


I'm off to update my status.

Audra said...

You didn't mention my type of face booking. The childabusebooker, uses facebook to threaten all the things I can't actually do to my children due to fear of prison

Audra said...

@ Harmony, don't be so passive aggressive come right out and say its me.

How about the people who only post scripture? Every post is things like All things in him and Jesus is lord and the like.

Cary said...

The lion sleeps at the foot of Minerva.

Cary said...

I like being invited to events in Canada or Idaho or Guam. Yes, count me in, I'm SO there.

Rich Girl Red said...

Audra, the scripture people bug me, too! And if I read one more "Please pray for our little Tay-Tay. The neighbor's mean old cat scratched her because she was trying to baptize it again." Please. Put some Neosporin on it and stop bothering me AND Jesus with that crap.

Gigi said...

You've covered all the high, I mean, low points of FB. I"ve been all of those peeps at one time or another.

I kinda hate Facebook now, and rarely post.

Harmony said...

I am also not into the holy rollers of fb land. Especially when they claim the power of god has bought them a new car. WTF?

@Audra You know what you can do with your suckasssandwich..take a bite and save some for me. Get over yourself..they're other annoying people of fb too. >kisses< Nerd!

MtnMama said...

Right about now, I'm feeling pretty relieved that I don't do (most) of these things. Whew!
Of course, my world is sort of limited to my fabulous child, my awesome job, and how much I LOVE everybody... wait...

Pretty comprehensive list.

Harmony said...

And by "they're" I meant there are. *sigh* It's one of those days.

Senorita said...

Hola La Bev !

I am not on Facebook. It's a good thing though, because if I were, I would be bragging about the massive dump I took that almost clogged the toilet.

I do have to say, though, those people that talk about Zen shit or how awesome the world is are fucking annoying.

I would rather blog about it.

Bev said...

I love that I touched a nerve with this post! Hilarious comments!!


I just responded to another blog regarding a FB pet peeve here it is verbatim:

My favorite Facebook antic is the "suble bragging comment" disguised as a casual remark. I got reunited with an old friend I hadn't spoken to in a billion years and I noticed she left comments like " Just enjoying the vacation with MY DOCTOR HUSBAND (emphasis added) or You know your family loves you when THEY SEND A LIMO TO PICK YOU up thank you so and so (emphasis again) I'm thinking of doing a bit on this topic when I return to stand up. What do you think of this premise?


Oh I have another one that really occured to me. My cousin tried to convert me to Chrsitianity on the chat option! He started with small talk then it transitioned to "What do you think about God? I clicked off.

Audra said...


You had me at suckasssandwich

Mike129 said...

Ha! This post has really stirred the interest of your BOOBHs. It is quite good.

I never really know what to post there because I think most people don't really give a rat's ass about my stupid little life.

Oh, um, can you hook me up with the apron and high heels lady? I want to help her with her, uh, self-esteem. :D