Thursday, August 5, 2010

My "Oh Hell No" List

Recently Mala's husband and mother fulfilled their lifelong dreams of skydiving, which got me thinking about things that no one could ever pay me to do of my own free will. Ever. I was thinking it's kind of like an anti-Bucket List.

This morning I was planning to write something about this "Oh Hell No" list of mine, and then oddly enough my friend Cary posted a Question of the Day asking his readers what is on their Bucket Lists. This coincidence is more proof that my "Rule of Two" is still very much in effect. Furthermore, yesterday Jim reminded me of the time my son accidentally purchased a $5 on-demand movie by pushing a bunch of buttons on the remote control. The movie? The Bucket List with Jack Nicholson.

*Twilight Zone music*


Many of the items on some people's BLs are on my OHN list. I thought it might be fun to share them here, because sharing is giving a shit. Or something like that.

The top three items on my "OHN" list:

Am I in the Air Force and need to learn to drop into enemy territory in the dead of night? No. Does the concept of hurtling towards the hard Earth at 200 mph while my ears pop painfully (and maybe even bleed a little) appeal to me? Oh, HELL NO.

Life is full of opportunities to hurt yourself without putting yourself in a pointless, dangerous situation like this one. I once cut my hand apart on a can of peaches, for goodness sake, I don't need to take risks like this one. If man were meant to fly we'd have been born with wings.

Bungee jumping
I like my vertebrate aligned just as they are, thanks. Besides... ladies and gentlemen, Exhibit A:


White Water Rafting

I've almost drowned twice in my life; once as a child, and once when I was twenty years old and got sucked over a series of waterfalls in a natural gorge in Vermont where several other people had drowned before. Swimming there was not my smartest move, to be sure. Tempting fate by putting myself in the hands of a raging river and a (former straight C student) river guide is not exactly tops on my list of good time activities.

I know three different people who have done rafting trips and all three of them either fell out of the boat or witnessed someone falling out of the boat on their trips; nobody got hurt, but still. No thanks.

So there it is.

What about you -- what's on your OH HELL NO list?


Nej said...

Scuba diving, cliff diving, skydiving.....hmmmm...must be a diving aversion. :-)

Rich Girl Red said...

I'll try most anything once--an attitude which has landed me in trouble many times. I never learn.

However, I can think of two things I DO NOT want to ever do.
1) Have cosmetic surgery. I'm all me, all real. Love it, hate it, ignore it--it's authentic. Unless it's medically necessary (?) count me out.

2) Ride a burro down into the Grand Canyon. Not gonna happen. I've been to the Grand Canyon and it is magnificent. I saw those burros and I saw that narrow, treacherous trail and there is no way in HELL I'm climbing on the back of what, with my fabulous luck, will be the only suicidal burro. He'll decide that carrying my fat ass down that canyon is the last straw and dive right off the edge in abject burro despair.

Other than that? Sign me up!

Mike said...

The same 3 plus skiing. I don't want to be freezing and break something at the same time.

Whiskey Girl said...

1.)I will never have sex with a midget. OHN

I'll have to get back to you on the other 2....

Melissa said...

See now, skydiving and bungee jumping are actually on my bucket list. Love heights. I'd throw 'em both aside for basejumping though.

Anything else I wouldn't do? Join the military. I got that from a friend when she did a post like this and I can't think of anything else at the moment...

Bev said...

Nej - Scuba, YES! I have no desire to do that either. In fact, most things involving going into the ocean are on my OHN list.

RGR - You da woman! I wish I were so brave. I agree about cosmetic surgery because I've had more than my share of surgeries and I'd never willingly go under the knife for vanity's sake. No way, no how. I'll take your word for the Grand Canyon thing!

Mike - Yup! I grew up in northern VT but I haven't ever gone alpine skiing and I never want to. Brrrrr!

Whiskey Girl - HAHAHAHA! Duly noted. I won't fix you up with any.

Melissa - you love heights? Really? Wow. Good for you! I don't mind heights at all, but I definitely mind dying, and it seems likely that with my luck, I would die if I jumped out of/off of something high. That's just how I roll.

And I'd never join the military either.

Heather said...

skiing rocks my socks off you up there ^^^ Yea you. It's amazing wrapped in sex.

I would never jump off a bridge either, no sky diving for me.

No butt secks. OHN!

I don't want to jump out a perfectly good airplane either, but I can't say I never would.

Mala said...

Eh, the plane wasn't all that perfectly good... I had another dream about skydiving. I want to do it more and more every day, despite my Mom's warning about her ears bleeding for 3 days after.

...of course, it may just be the thought of some hot Italian* guy strapped to my back. heh.

My bucket list is far longer than my OHN list, but here goes:

- Learn curling
- Live without a dishwasher
- Be a camera person for the TV Show Hoarders

* Italian, as in from Italy, NOT the Jersey Shore. For realz some of those sky jumpers were HOTTT!

PorkStar said...

Not sure what 3 things I would not do but I'm sure I would not do the nasty with a cow. I don't want to end up like that Indonesian man in the news the other day who had sex with a cow and had to it and then have the court find his animal wifey be taken away and sacrificed. I couldnt bear the thought of not being able to eat all that meat by myself.

Frank Irwin said...

I've done one (rafting) of those three, Bev, and would like to do the other two.

I can't think of anything on my OHN list, except maybe getting back together with my most recent ex (JM).

Mike129 said...

I would not:
- Have sex with a man.
- Go to Denny's naked.
- Basejump (unless Melissa took me and promised me things afterwards)

Stuart said...

Seein's how I've willingly done all of these because I'm insane, I guess the only thing I really want to never do is be the center part of a human centipede.


Samsmama said...

STUART!!!! I was just thinkin about you earlier. And I remember your sky diving picture, too.

I'm a wimp. I can't stand heights at all, so that rules out many activities. And agree about the ocean. I have zero sympathy for people that lose limbs to sharks.

Last week we went horseback riding down the side of a mountin in Estes Park. I had to keep reminding myself that my horse didn't want to die any more than I did. That, and that my 5 year old wasn't scared.

And I'll never get a body piercing. My ears are done, and that's enough for me. And the odds of a tattoo are pretty slim.

MtnMama said...

I have a high level of attraction to dangerous fun, but I’ve watched Bungee jumping, and the way the thing snapped people’s spines was

Same with skydiving. No thank you – no way to cleverly save yourself if the parachute fails. I like better odds, thanks very much.

But I’ve rafted a couple times and it was FUN, and I’ve snow skied all my life, so I guess I’m not a total wuss.

Not at all impressed by or inclined to eat bugs or disgusting “fear factor”-ish yucky things just for the dare. OHN.

Not about to stupidly put my life in danger just to do it. Got a lot of that out of my system at a young(er) age... like cliff climbing (without a rope), taking acid, cruising and getting into strangers cars, and unprotected sex.

TS Hendrik said...

Bungee jumping has always freaked me out way more then the idea of jumping out of a plane. Trusting a rubber band over a large strong sheet.
Now Zip-lining I would do.

Swimming with piranha would be top of my hell no list. So would messing with anacondas and crocodiles. I love nature and believe it belongs on the TV where I can be safe.

Senorita said...

I have skydived and gone rafting.

But I don't think I could pull off bungee jumping.

On my definite OHN list:

1.) Playing with a Ouija Board
2.) Cliff diving
3.) Muff Diving. LOL, I had to say it because everyone's talking about all the diving they would never do, and I had to think of something different.

Bev said...

Heather - I feel the same way about butt secks. J/K! (Or am I?)

Mala - I'm currently living without a dishwasher AGAIN, after my new one died recently, the S.O.B. And I can think of nicer, easier ways to get a hot Italian on you. Call me.

Porky - Sex with a cow, huh? Sounds like what happens to drunk frat boys and "the grateful types." ZING! Kidding, kidding.

Frank - You're a brave man. I don't blame you - JM sounds terrifying!

Mike129 - I've been to Denny's naked. It's not so bad!

STUART!!!!!!!! Hi!

And yeah, count me out of being any part of the human centipede. In fact, I won't even WATCH it, much less be in it.

Thanks for making my day! A day with a Stuart Sighting is always a good day. :)

Smama - Ditto, ditto, and ditto. Oh, and Estes Park is a gorgeous place, but I don't think I'd be up for going down the mountain on a horse or anything else. Even driving up in a car was nerve-racking!

MtnMama - Oddly enough, I was brave enough in my youth to do all of those things... including acid and unprotected sex. Once again, youth = stupidity most of the time! Maybe all the drugs and sex I had scrambled my brain and deactivated my "bravery" instincts?

TS - Zip-lining does sound like fun. I'm with you on the flesh-eating reptiles, too. No thanks.

Senorita - THANK YOU! I was biting my tongue on the muff-diving front, for real. Also, ouija board is a great one. I've never done that either, probably because I believe in them.

Brooklyn ML said...

I remember when you got sucked down that little waterfall...Where was it? It wasn't really a little waterfall, and it was really quite scary. White water rafting? No thanks!


African Safari where lions roam

BigSis said...

Damn you, I'm going to have to think now.

Bev said...

Brooklyn - Were you there that day? I forgot - I just remember the awful look on Zipper's face as our hands brushed when he tried to grab me before I went over. Awful.

The place is Huntington Gorge. I fell over the Potholes, about a 30 foot drop total, into the lower river, then it took me 1/2 a mile to get to the shore because the current was so strong.

Here's a pic, but this looks far more menacing than I remember it looking!

Bev said...

Israel - Yes, lions are scary for sure. Rhinos, too.

BigSis - ha! Sorry!

Cary said...

I did a sorta bungee-jumping/swinging thing at Six Flags and it was a blast. Never again, though. I haven't snow-skiied in years but have no desire to break any more bones, so scratch that, too. Scuba diving is awesome and I can't wait to do it again. Need to lose some lbs. and get certified. Ditto rafting -- tons of fun.

#1 on my bucket list is to take a dump without my child knocking on the goddamn door and asking me what I'm doing.

dogimo said...

1. A tattoo, but I have nothing against it.

2. Big-game hunting.

3. Watercolors.