Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Was So Much Older Then (Updated!)

I'm younger than that now.

I was reminded of that line by Bob Dylan the other day when I had a series of awkward conversations with the new girl at work, who may or may not also work as a stripper as her other job.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.  The Bev doesn't judge.  In fact, when I heard that one of the new advisors (a notorious but unlikely-looking playboy) was thinking of hiring one of his ultra-young paramours as an assistant, I was secretly thrilled.  I hardly socialize with any of the uptight stuffy folks here in my little office, choosing to keep to myself aside from brief, polite exchanges when proximity requires them, so the idea that someone with a little pizazz and a little raunch was coming into the office was exciting.  The fact that my other female coworkers were scandalized just sweetened the deal.  Bring.  It.  On!

Enter the new girl.  It's not clear whether or not she was/is a stripper at all, but she is very young and very pretty.  She's got a lot of tattoos, including the ever-popular upper arm barbed-wire and a tramp stamp.  She wears a lot of make up and perfume but dresses appropriately, if not a little too nicely for our laid-back office.  All of our exchanges had been brief but I helped her learn the ropes quite a bit for her first week.  She was nice but a little... off, somehow.  Socially awkward.  She had a hard time maintaining eye contact, talked very fast, and asked weird questions at weird times.

I quickly decided that she and I would interact just as I do with the rest of the coworkers with whom I have nothing in common; that is to say, only when necessary.  Next thing you know, she keeps coming by my desk awkwardly trying to chat, which is not something that I encourage.  I have work to do and an overly-talkative crazy cat lady coworker to contend with on the best of days.  Plus, I sneak in quite a bit of my own writing (including this blog!) during my down time rather than make idle, forced chit-chat with anyone.  Call me reclusive, I don't care.  I don't come to work to socialize at this point in my life.  I want to do my job, collect my paycheck, and get the heck outta Dodge.

What followed were two extremely bizarre conversations that left me scratching my head and mentally adding her to "THE LIST."

The other day I'm making copies and sending out a fax.  She enters and blurts out, "Are you married?"  I said that I was, and then she proceeded to ask me a series of increasingly personal questions.   I was already edging towards the door as politely as I could when she asked if I have kids.  I said, "Yes, I have two boys.  They are seven and three."  She then said, "Oh, I have two boys too!  But they're rats.  Their names are Collin and Brandon."

I just smiled blankly.  Did she just compare my children to her pet rodents?

I asked her a few cursory questions about the vermin, but she wouldn't let me go just yet.  She asked if I have any pets and I told her we'd just gotten a kitten.  She then launched into a 10 minute tirade about how important it is to spay or neuter your pet, and if I didn't do that then I was practically abusing my kitten.

HELLO?  First of all, I've owned more pets in my lifetime than I can count on both hands, I used to volunteer at the Humane Society, and I guarantee that I've owned pets for longer than this skinny bitch has been alive.  Plus, my kitten is 10 weeks old - far too young to be spayed.  Maybe find out a little something about me as a pet owner before lecturing me for 10 minutes about something that I already agree with, ya' fuckin' weirdo!

I walked away scratching my head and muttering under my breath, but otherwise dismissed the incident as "Okay, the new girl is kind of odd."

The next day she showed up with a bag of stuff "for me."  Turns out, Skanky McSkinny-Bones is an Herbalife consultant on the side, so she oh-so-helpfully brought me in a whole bunch of samples because I've been getting over a cold.  Sounds nice enough, right?  Completely  unwanted, but nice.  Until she hauled out packets of weight loss shakes and thrust them at me.

Oh no she di'nt!

Let's get this straight.  I definitely don't have spare cash to be dropping on overpriced echinacea tablets, nor do I have the desire to starve myself or drink my meals in an effort to be skinny.  I like my curves, even the ones that I'm currently working on paring down after enjoying a little too much BBQ & beer this summer.  More importantly, who does that?  Who just shows up and says, "You must need these weight loss shakes since you're such a cow," after working with someone for less than a week?  Bitch best step off.

Later I saw that she had put a little Herbalife display up in the kitchen, leading everyone who walked in to ask who the fuck was trying to hock their wares in the break room, and IS SHE CALLING US FAT?!

For the first time ever, I actually bonded with my coworkers because of our mutual confusion caused by the crazy new girl.  So there's that.

On the way home from work I was telling Jim all about it and we had a lot of laughs at her expense.  We agreed that she is in that 20-something bubble when you think you know everything and have it all figured out, before the bottom falls out and bad shit happens in your life and you realize that you don't know your ass from your elbow about how life works.

I truly believe that age can bring wisdom, but really we just get wise to the fact that we don't know jack. 


Guess who was "let-go" this morning, right after I hit Publish on this post?  I'm a little freaked out.  *glancing over shoulder*  Is this place bugged?  

Yikes!  Back to the pole you go, Herb-Girl!


Audra said...

reading this brought the Louis C.K. quote to mind

You're not a woman until people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams

Frank Irwin said...

New girl ain't too bright.

Great quote, Audra.

Frank Irwin said...


WV: polenv - what stripper wannabe's have.

Rich Girl Red said...

My granny always said, "Wisdom usually comes with age but sometimes, age comes alone." Word.

Herbalife? Oh no she di'in't! Wow, that's some cold shit right there. Way to make new office friends chica.

Audra, that is the best quote EVER! I'm so stealing that. :)

Brooklyn ML said...

You know, I've been thinking about this same thing, and just this week!
It's autumn, my traditional time of taking stock (along with my birthday and the new year), and I find myself thinking about wisdom and "knowing." I think of myself in my twenties, when I "knew everything," and had it all figured out. I hit 30, realized how ignorant I was "back then," and decided I really knew what was what. Fast forward 5 years, and I'm back to thinking, 'I don't know shit.'
My conclusion: Wisdom is knowing you don't know shit about shit.

Bev said...

Audra - That is CLASSIC! I want that on a shirt.

Frank - True 'dat!

LOL @ "polenv!"

RGR - Your granny makes me smile. :)

Brooklyn - If I were to ever get a tattoo, I think that might be it: "Wisdom is knowing you don't know shit about shit." GENIUS!

Elliott said...

First, lighten up, Francis. Second, I'll take overdressed for the office over the office tramp a few jobs ago for whom we declared Tube Top Tuesday. Nice.

Even the head of our wellness committee, a 24-year-old marathon runner with .015% body fat, knows not to judge my weight problem or get between me and cake.

onebadmamajama said...

@ Audra...that is the most awesomest quote EVER...and yeah I'm stealin' it too:)

So, who gets to tell her no soliciting at work? LOL

Stacie's Madness said...

wow. yeah. i was young once.

Whiskey Girl said...

New girl needs to be cunt punted. Seriously.

Oh Bev, it gets better - next thing you know she will be telling you how she shit her pants.


Mala said...

Maybe she just thinks of her kids as rats.... maybe their real assholes.

Audra - awesome quote!!!

And I can't believe you didn't mention that she finagled a "wordrobe allowance" into her contract, because, you know, her other 'work clothes' were *cough* inappropriate.

Samsmama said...

Excellent, Audra. A t-shirt would be awesome! I once knew a girl that was going to get shirts made with "that's going on the blog" on them. Hmmm.

Ok, here's what's rolling through my head:

The Bevster, makin' copies.

Frank Irwin said...

I forgot to mention this earlier, Bev, but I like your curves, too.

Kate said...

I think we can have some shirts made up at vistaprint. I LOL'd for realsies at Audra.

Bev said...

Elliott - Smart guy!

OBMJ - I guess no soliciting was implied by "there's the door, use it!" D'oh!

Stacie - We may not be as young, but we're still fabulous. And not as dumb - bonus!

Whiskey - HA!! True, true. I get that from the cat lady too, so I feel your pain.

Mala - Ah yes, the alleged clothing allowance! Where the fuck is MY clothing allowance?

Smama - I say that ALL THE TIME when I'm makin' copies! Love it!

And yeah, I kinda blew off making my blog t-shirts. Oops... I assure you that if I ever get around to it, you'll be the first to get one!

Frank - Have I told you lately that I love you? :)

Kate - Let's do it! I love t-shirts.

Mike said...

I guess she indirectly told the wrong person that they were fat. Well maybe it will be easier to sell when she's doing a lap dance for someone since they won't be going anyplace.

Melissa said...

This post was so fantastic and made all the fantasticker by the post script. Heeeehehehehe.


That was classic. Sometime people just don't get it. But I agree with you, she is "in". She would have made my list also. I've run into people from generation "me" that makes me want to say "are you kidding me?". Funny post.

Audra said...

Did she take her Herbal Life crap with her when she left?

Also fav story ever. We had a temp back in the olden days when I worked who the agency forgot to contact and let know they were canned. He came in to all his shit in a box and the new guy at his desk.

Greg said...

Next time, try explaining your plan to enslave all of mankind and take over the world. I bet she will stop talking to you

tracey said...

First off, Audra, BEST QUOTE EVER. I may cave & get that tramp stamp after all. 'Cause, lets be honest, at 44, I have the real estate to have a that size instead of the butterfly that would have fit back in my dumber than a bag of rocks 20's.

As for the offer of weight loss supplements... there are no words. Well, actually there are quite a few, but I"m not supposed to say them. Wow. Just wow.

Cary said...

You'd think a stripper would have good drugs to sell, not stupid Herbalife. Fail complete.

w/v: tallho. I kid you not.

Senorita said...

Your posts always rock La Bev !!

The nerve of that girl, and who sells Herbalife anyway, especially at work ??

Imagine if she sold that and Mary Kay ?

PorkStar said...

This post made me LMFAO

This reminds me of one day me buying a pizza and when ordering a coke, the dude askes me: "Diet coke?"

WTF? just because I have a healthy set of face cheeks doesnt make me eligible yet for diet coke.

Anyhow, great post Bev.