Monday, September 20, 2010

Living Through Grief

I sure don't feel like working today, yet here I am, typing away and smiling benignly at my inexplicably cheerful coworkers, trying to ignore the fact that my pants must have shrunken in the wash again because why else would they be cutting into my waist like this?  THIS is why I hate pants, folks.

What else could it be?  I dunno.  Possibly the immediate results of the Burger King chicken sandwich that I crammed into my mouth on Friday night while driving my entire family around in the Odysexy?  Noooo, that couldn't be it.  Maybe the fact that I haven't felt good for about two weeks now so I've been using my treadmill as a towel rack?   Nawww.  Can't be.  It's gotta be that stupid defective dryer.

I would really rather be at home in my comfy flannel pants, playing with my pussy.

What did you think I meant, ya' pervs?  ;)

Happiness is a warm modem.
Her name is Luna and she is 9 weeks old. She's just precious and we're heaping affection on her to help get her adjusted to her new home. Of course, a 3 year-old's version of "heaping affection" is more like chasing/grabbing/holding her around the middle with her little legs dangling, but so far she seems to be tolerating all that love very well.

It's funny, because I didn't realize how much I missed having a pet in the house until we got one. I've always had animals - always, until last year when we lost our dog and both cats to separate illnesses.  Jim and I needed some time to recover, but recently we decided we were ready, and more importantly, the kids were ready for a furry friend.

So, we added a family member and I can't stop smiling about it! I'm on the look-out for a male orange kitteh to complete our pussy pack, but we're in no rush. Next Spring we may even venture back into dog-land. Things are finally coming full-circle for me after everything got tipped on its ear in 2009, and it's wonderful to feel like my old self again. As difficult as it was to lose my father, my grandmothers, and all my pets last year, I now see that I have gained so much... and not just in my thighs.

I made some wonderful new friends online (that's you!), I rediscovered a direction for my creativity and I finally see what will hopefully be a light at the end of the tunnel that is my boring financial job, some day.  Most importantly, I'm able to fully enjoy my family again. I've always loved and appreciated them, don't get me wrong, but during my worst months of grieving I felt like I was just going through the motions. I felt like I was missing out; I had disconnected myself on some level. I now realize that I was more introverted than I ever had been before, which is natural when you have a wound inside that no one else can see or heal.

Now, at last, I have more happy days than sad. I'm finally able to stop obsessing over things and people that don't matter in the long run.  A year after my Dad died, I felt like a spell was lifted -- but it still took another 6 months to feel like ME - yet somehow with more wisdom and sparkles and shit.

After all.

La Bev is happy. I'm an optimist but also a realist.  I don 't rely on the actions of others to determine my mood.  I don 't let anyone tell me what I can't do.  I love my children and my husband more than anything.  I believe in things that can't be seen.  I believe that everything happens for a reason - even the bad things.  I am trying not to take everything so personally because the world is filled with fucked up people who will try to make you feel like you're the crazy one if you let them.  I won't let them anymore.  I am a work in progress, just like Lindsay Lohan.

Here's Linds just last week, working on her progress.

Haha, I was kidding about that last part - thankfully I'm nothing like Lindsay Lohan!  Well, except that I like to party (but responsibly!) and I love petting furry kitties.  Heh heh.

So anywho, if anyone is still listening, thanks for being patient while I went on and on.  A good friend of mine once told me that there's no way around grief; you have to go through it.  I think that's a very accurate way to look at it, and finally I feel like I'm coming out the other side again.  Yay, me.



Mala said...

yes, yeah you!!!!!!!! Woo-HOO!!!!!

The best is yet to come, sista!

And your pussy is just too cute!

Brooklyn ML said...

I love your blog! Every time you do a post like this, it gives me a chance to step back from my hamster brain and remember what's important. Thank you.
P.S. Your pussy is adorable!

Rich Girl Red said...

Sweet, sweet Bev, we are truly sisters from another mister (and decade)! I got some pretty serious goosebumps reading your post. I understand what you're feeling on a level you can't imagine. Since 2006 I've dealt with one death, disaster, or heartbreak after another. I've buried my only brother, my mother, the best dog I ever had, my youth, and in many ways, my marriage. You are so right; you do have to go through the grief. If you don't, it will hunt you down and force you. I had to "drop my basket" to learn that lesson.

But finally, this year, I found "me" again and I'm SO happy. I'm learning to take care of myself and am making changes to make the next half of my life positively STELLAR! I don't care if it harelips the Pope, I'm back at the wheel and I'm gonna drive it like I stole it!

I'm glad we met (and we will meet IRL before long, I promise!) and thank you for sharing your heart. I love you more than my luggage! Mwah!

On another note, normally I would send my regrets (and the name of my waxer) upon hearing that your pussy is gray, but in this case CONGRATULATIONS!

Samsmama said...

Excellent post, Bevaroni! So happy things are looking up for you, and love your attitude! I've been in a funk for awhile now and am still waiting for my cloud to lift. Trying not to let things get me too down, but some days are harder than others. You're an inspiration, ladly love!

Very cute kitty, too!

MJenks said...

What's with the ourobouros picture? Or is that some kind of clever code for what sorts of treats Bev's Husband can look forward to after all the pussy petting is done? *wink* I'm onto you, lady.

Mala said...

Hey, where did the "Who loves Bev the bestest" scoreboard go? I was thisclose to beating that Irwin guy!

Bev said...

Mala - Thanks! :)

Brooklyn - You're so sweet. Thanks, my dear friend! I'm still giggling over "hamster brain."

RGR - I knew you were a sister from another mister! I'm so sorry to hear about all that you've been going through for these past few years. As a fellow Cancer, I know just how hard all of this hits us in the tender crab underbelly, but I also know that once we get back on our feet that shell becomes impenetrable once again!

LOVE that you're "driving it like you stole it!" I'm right there with you, riding shotgun and feeding you Bon Bons!

Smama - Thank you so much for always getting it. I wish I could ease your blues for you, my friend. xo

Jenks - Well, I was going for a circle of life motif, but now that you mention it... yeah, snake eating his own tail, and all that? Check, please!

Mala - Yeah, I got tired of looking at it. I may bring it back at some point but for now I just wanted a change.

I'm sure that Irwin guy can think of other ways for you to beat him....

Frank Irwin said...

You'll need to bring bigger luggage if you want to beat me in the Bev-love category, Mala!

Or, what Bev said.

Samsmama said...

Two comments today mention luggage. Interesting. Well, not really, but I still wanted to point it out. I'll show myself out.

Bev said...

Frank - thank you for the Bev-love!!!

Smama - Hmmm... I think you guys are trying to tell me nicely that I have a lot of baggage!

Which is true. :)

Melissa said...

"I am trying not to take everything so personally because the world is filled with fucked up people who will try to make you feel like you're the crazy one if you let them."

Right on!

I am in admiration of you Bev. I wish I would have figured out how to gracefully go through grief as you have. 7 years later and I am just now coming out of a grief-induced (and then self-inflicted) fog. I really can't tell you how wonderful I think it is that you feel how you do right now. You're so awesome.

And I love your kitten. Hee.

Molly's Mom said...

Awww...LOVE the kitteh! I love my old girls, but the babies are so fun :)

I totally understand what you went through with your dad; it was just about a year and a half before I started feeling human again after my dad's passing (it'll be 2 years in December). I'd never experienced that level of anxiety before and it was nearly debilitating...not to mention the guilt I felt. It is a fabulous feeling to come out the other end of grief and your dad is cheering you on :)

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Luna looks adorably sweet. My car is named Luna. It's a great name.

Mike129 said...

Yay for Luna! Take lots of pics, they grow fast. (I have always loved your taste in pussy.)

Yay for Bev! I like you happy.

OK Go celebrated your return to the world of pets, too:

Bev said...

Melissa - Aw, thank you so much! I didn't think I'd ever feel like the old Bev again, honestly. I think my naturally cheerful side just finally pushed its way back up to the surface! I hope you're starting to come out of your fog now, too. (hug)

Molly's Mom - I'm sorry to hear about your dad, but I agree that they're cheering for us! I can feel it some days, can't you?

Robyn - Woohoo! I don't even have a name for my current car! I'd better get on that....

Mike - Ha! My taste in pussy, eh? There's a nasty joke in there somewhere, but I don't think I even have to bother making it. ;)

LOVE that OK Go video!!!! Puppies!

Cary said...

Congrats on your emergence from the funkness, B. I like you happy, too.

Love your furry little kitty. Don't trim her. The little ones look better au naturel.

Kate said...

Much love and happiness to you and your pussy.