Friday, September 3, 2010

My stream of consciousness is polluted!

'Sup, peeps? TGIF! I hope you're all coasting through your Friday and have excellent long weekends planned. I don't have a lot on the agenda this weekend; we're due to get the remnants of Hurricane Earl tonight into tomorrow, so my plans involve not losing power and not having a tree fall into my house. Always good plans, I'd say!

This has been a rather busy week. Even though there have been tons of Stew-worthy things I haven't had much time to hunt and gather, so today I'm just going to give you a little stream of consciousness blabbing.  It's not really OOBH Stew, it's more like OOBH hors d'oeuvres. ;)

Of all the embarrassing ways to die....

Say you're a successful doctor in California who has an on-again, off-again relationship with a guy.  You're currently off-again, but you want to talk.  You go over to his house but he refuses to let you in.  You try to break in but can't, so what do you do?

If you're Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac, you set down your purse and cell phone in the backyard, climb a ladder to the roof and try to slide down the chimney like a sort of Fatal Attraction-style Santa Claus.  Yes, seriously.

A day or so later the boyfriend leaves for Europe. Another day goes by and the housesitter notices a smell and... fluids... dripping from the chimney.  After calling the authorities they find the good doctor wedged in the chimney just two feet from the fireplace, dead as a doornail.


What in the world?  Sure, we've all done some crazy things for love, I'm sure, but that takes the cake.  Think about that the next time you're seeking advice from your doctor, won't you?  I know I will.

Not to be outdone by Lindsay, Paris Hilton might be heading back to the slammer.

Not a moment too soon, right?   The story goes like so: Paris and her boyfriend were fish-bowling a  Tony Soprono mobile (Cadillac Escalade) on the Las Vegas strip when a cop pulled alongside them at a red light.  The cop smelled the sweet scent of marijuana and pulled them over, where her boyfriend promptly failed a sobriety test.

Being a celebrity, Paris asked to hide from the Paps in the Wynn Hotel (which has since banned her ass from entering their establishment, btw).  She then asked the cop to hand her her purse so that she could put on some lip balm, and when she opened the purse a bag of coke fell out at his feet.

"It's not miiiiine, baby!"
What a fucking idiot!  Oh, and let's not forget that this is the THIRD TIME she has been arrested for drugs this summer.  Lock her up & throw away the key!  She gets an "Eff YOU, Skank" award from La Bev, you'd better believe it.

I've never liked Paris or thought she was pretty.  In fact, I've always thought she looks like an insect of sorts, like a Praying Mantis or something.  I checked Google for a Paris Mantis shot but found nothing, but I did find this cool, creepy picture of a real Praying Mantis at night:

That's hot.

Which of course, made me think of those Isabella Rossalini green pornos:

So there's that.

9021-oh shit!  I missed it!

Yesterday was 9-02-10 and I just didn't have time to blog about it.  Sads, I know.  :(  I was never a huge fan of the show, I'll be honest, but I did watch it now and then and liked it a lot during my early teen years.

To me the funniest part of the show, other than the glaring lack of parental supervision and the fact that a dimwit who looked like Donna Martin was popular, was their hair.  Everything from big bangs (Andrea), flat tops (David), giant sideburns (Brendan, Dylan) to greasy curly mullets (Steve) were represented!  It was a hodgepodge of bad 'dos, and it was fabulous.

So there you have it.  Straight out of my head into yours, as advertised.  I hope you all have a fun and safe Labor Day weekend!



Frank Irwin said...

Mmmm....Good whore deserves, Bev!

The story I read about the chimney doctor was that her beloved ran out of the house when he heard her. He didn't say anything to anyone?

Salt said...

Eye to eye, my friend. I have always thought Paris looked rather mantis-like.

I don't know whether to be completely horrified or laugh inappropriately about that chimney story. Obviously someone dying is never good, but seriously? I thought doctors were supposed to be educated in the ways of not being a total dumbass.

Vegetarian Cannibal said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Tears are rolling down my face...the praying mantis porn just put it over the top, hahahahahahahaha!

Omigod...that's the funniest thing I've seen all week!

Elliott said...

Happy hurricaning. I'll bet you get more bad weather than we ever got in three hurricane seasons in the AW.

Really, what's happening with our prison populations lately? Shouldn't someone be shanking this trash when it walks into prison thinking it's better than the other inmates? Learn to sharpen a toothbrush, people! Don't they teach prisoners skills?

In my day, you just put the trash in with a homicidal maniac on some work detail, then walked away for coffee while nature took its course.

Bev said...

Frank - Whore deserves are my favorite! I could live off of them.

Yikes, so maybe he knew she was in there and then fled to Europe...? The plot thickens!

Salt - Exactly! I think we give MDs too much credit sometimes, but not being a total dumbass is kind of a necessity! Sheesh.

Vegetarian Cannibal - Thanks! I'm so glad you liked it. :)

Elliott - I could not agree more. Obviously their paltry jail time does nothing to rehabilitate them either, as evidenced by the fact that LiHo is back in the 'loids today because she HIT A BABY WITH HER CAR yesterday.

Someone definitely should have gone all Dahmer on her ass.

Heidi Renée said...

Paris and Lindsay need to be cellmates at an animal shelter that requires spaying and neutering before adoption.

Your tagline today made me laugh so loud that my cat ran away.

Kate said...

Oh come on, quit knocking Paris! She is obviously sorely misunderstood, and probably has kick ass peripheral vision. Oooooo, I wonder if she'll cry again when she heads back to the slammer. I hope so.

Poor, poor dead doctor. Didn't she know that chimneys are bad for your health?

Mala said...

Tastey hors d'oeurves, but really, did you think it wise to have Frank pass around a tray of weiners dressed like that?

Stalkers know no limits! Which reminds me, I need to have my chimney secured.

Paris - what a dumbass! Will she ever have to do REAL time? I have my doubts!
And was Isabella doing the drugs with Paris? Jeebus, what the hell was that?!

And FAWK! I missed 9-02-10 day as well. For shame.
Tory Spelling would be friendless and fat if her Dad didn't force his writers to put his fugly daughter into a show.

Frank Irwin said...

You tell her, Mala! I don't know how many people accidentally pricked my, um, you know.

Isabella has a bunch of those videos. All worth watching.

onebadmamajama said...

Wow..that green porn stuff was..disturbing. WTH is wrong with Ms. Rossellini?!

Had HoLo hit my baby with her car, I would make it my personal goal in life to ensure she would NEVER have to worry about a crack addiction again. I'm pretty sure dead folks don't need crack.

word verif: hotlyk..speaks for itself;)

MtnMama said...

omg, we were laughing (inappropriately, for sure) at the chimney story at work. Creepy. Just goes to show that people can be smart about one thing and STOOPID at everything else.

I was "shocked" to hear that Paris is in trouble again. (hahahahaha) good thing that dipshit has money... she'd be a homeless bag lady otherwise; obviously no skills in self-preservation.

Didn't ever watch 90329 - or whatev - because I was too old for teenage obsession tv and was out having a life (I did once, ya know) - so all I could contribute would be snarky comments about how ugly Tori is/was/will ever be. (see comment above about having money) ((must be nice))

Have a great weekend Bev darling!